Pour Your Heart Out: Not a Fair Mom

Welcome to Pour Your Heart Out- if you need more info on how to participate, check out THIS post. But it's personal- it's what YOU think is pouring your heart out. Please grab the PYHO button or link back in your post if you are participating.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

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I know that all I can do as a mom is to make what I think is the best decisions when it comes to each of my children.

Those decisions might look different for each of them. And they might change from year to year... or even day to day.

My boys are all so very different. Even if they tend to look so much alike that they sometimes confuse people.

So, the choices that I make(we make, Hubs included) are with each specific child in mind. We try to do what is right for each.

That doesn't always mean that things are "fair."

Not if your definition of fair means exactly the same.  Someone once commented on a post that I wrote something like "Fair does not mean the same. It means giving each child what they need."

I can't remember who wrote it or even what post it was on- but a huge thank you to whoever said this as your words have stuck with me.

We have made very different decisions for our oldest two. Our oldest headed off to kindergarten last year.  He started the year already meeting all of the objectives that students need to meet by the end of the year.  He was confident and ready to go. We didn't even consider not sending him to the local public school.

It's a good public school. Possibly the best of the 20 in our district. And he did really well there. He can't wait to see who of his friends would be in his first grade class. He loves his school and he wouldn't want to switch.

But our Bear is 5 and we agonized over school for him.  Where should he go? Which school is right? Which program is right?

One thing I knew and these words actually came out of my mouth was that I would send him to public school over my dead body.

This was not about me having anything against public schools. In fact, I once thought before I had kids that I'd never choose a private school over a public school.

This was about knowing that it was not the right decision for our Bear. Once we thought we had a school that might be a good fit for him, I met with the Principal to discuss specific concerns. She helped decide which program to enroll him in and which teacher would be the best fit for him. I also met with that teacher before school started.

We're almost a week into Kindergarten and while I can't say anything for sure at this point, I can say that the choice feels right. That he loves going to school. "Thank you for taking me to Kindergarten, Mom!" he says. And that his teacher saying goodbye to him yesterday by saying "Okay, Handsome! I love you!" made me feel really good about this choice. He needs that warm and fuzzy.

So, he's happy and our First Grader is excited about starting his school tomorrow. Neither asked a thing about why they weren't in the same school. After all, they weren't in the same school last year either.

But, is our choice "fair?"

At orientation night for the private school, I ran into the mom of one of my first grader's friends.  Her son had been in kindergarten with my oldest but she was switching him to the private school for this year. We chatted but then she noticed that I only had one of my boys with me and it was not the one she expected.

I told her that oh no, only my kindergartener would be coming here and my oldest was staying at the public school.

Eyes that went WAY wide and then narrowed, a head tilt, a grimace, lips that parted as if about to speak and then a mouth that slammed shut: that was her reaction. I knew she wanted to ask why. But, I just smiled and excused myself as the line I was in moved forward.

Then, yesterday afternoon, we were at First Grade Open House. Oldest was introducing his brothers to his TA(who was his TA last year and very well knows who they are) and he pointed and said "He's in Kindergarten. But NOT here with me!" Cue same reaction as above.

Then his teacher was asking about my other boys, what grades, etc. When I said Kindergarten, she asked who his teacher is. I had to say oh no, he goes to insert name of private school here. 

Met with the very same reaction.

I know it's a choice that not everyone will understand. I know that it could be seen as not being fair.

But, I don't owe an explanation to others about the choices that I make in the best interest of each of my children.

And as for fair, I'm going to focus on that meaning that each child is getting what he needs.



Link up your Pour Your Heart Out post and then visit at least the linker before and after you.

Pour Your Heart Out: When I Let You Be Hurt

Please note that this is the Pour Your Heart Out linky. If you are looking for the Summer Fun link up, please go HERE.

Welcome to Pour Your Heart Out- if you need more info on how to participate, check out THIS post. But it's personal- it's what YOU think is pouring your heart out. Please grab the PYHO button or link back in your post if you are participating.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

 <a href="http://www.thingsicantsay.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="" src="http://i904.photobucket.com/albums/ac246/shellthings/pouryourheartout.jpg" /></a> New button by Jess at The Frilly Coconut: it matches the brand new look she is working on for my blog! 

My 5 year-old has lead poisoning. Though his numbers are falling, his lead levels are still high. He needs to have routine blood draws to monitor his levels.  Because we know that his levels are high, this is no little and quick finger stick: he needs to have a draw from his arm to get more blood to accurately get a reading.  These draws are always stressful and painful. I realize that what we go through is nothing in comparison to other families, but it doesn't make it any easier at the time. 

Though the following words don't mean anything to him now, I imagine that this is how I would explain these blood draws to my son.

Usually, they let you sit in my lap. I wrap my arms around your body and one of your arms while a nurse takes the arm they need and another wields a needle.

I lean down toward your ear and whisper words of comfort that aren't going to help, but somehow I can't stop myself. I never tell you that it won't hurt because I won't lie to you. But instead I plead with you to stay still so that it can be over quickly. I tell you over and over that I love you and I just want you to be all better.

When the time comes, I wrap both of my legs around yours. The goal is to keep you as still as possible, even though I know that you are going to fight.

And it's terrible. The pain comes and you scream because they are hurting you. But, your little body eventually stops fighting and you collapse in exhaustion against me.

I thought that was hard.

But this last time you needed your blood drawn, the nurse shook her head at me when I tried to put you in my lap.

"He needs to sit up on the table," she said.

And so I lifted you up, even though you are more than capable of climbing up on your own. 

I stood close, in disbelief that she really thought this was going to work.  She tells me I should help hold you.

I move closer and put my arms around you. You bury your head in my shoulder, but it's the wrong shoulder, the one facing the needle.

The needle goes into your tiny little vein, the one the nurse insisted was fine, even though I told her we always had better luck in your other arm.

You scream. And fight.

Instead of being able to relax back into me, you lean your body backwards. I try to hold you still, but your body has gone completely rigid.

Your cry is heartbreaking. I know that you are in pain. That you are scared. That you don't understand why this is happening to you, why I would let someone hurt you so much.

I give a fleeting thought to the children out in the waiting room with their parents.  Your cries are frightening. I bet those kids want to run outside because they think that whatever is happening to you will happen to them if they come back here. But it's only a fleeting thought because those kids out there aren't you and they don't have to go through this.

This is taking longer than normal. And my eyes start to fill with tears to match yours.

Your tears and screams aren't getting the pain to stop, so you start to cry out.

"I want to go home! I just want to go home!"

"I know, baby, I know. Hold still and we can go home really soon," I whisper.

"You don't love me any more! You don't!"

And my heart breaks and tears flow fast down my face as I pull you close against my body so you can't see them.

"I love you. I love you so much. Mommy loves you," I repeat, like that will somehow make things better.

You gently pat my back, like you are trying to comfort me, even as you continue to cry.

It's over, but only because your vein blew.  The nurse starts to leave the room in a huff, saying she doesn't know if she has enough of your blood.

Thinking you are all done, you say to her, through your sobs, "Thank you."

That thank you is my undoing. Even more than your tears and screams and yes, even more than you saying that you don't love me anymore.

Because those two little words, they show your sweet heart. That even though someone was hurting you, even though you didn't understand, you still say "thank you" to whoever draws your blood. After every single blood draw for the past two years.

And I hate that you have had to go through all this. I hate that I don't really know when it's going to stop. I hate that you have to be hurt. I hate that you have it harder than a lot of other little boys your age. I hate that I can't fix things for you. I just want to make it all better for you. And I can't.

The nurse comes back in and I tense up, holding you tighter. I don't know what I will do if she says she needs more of your blood.  Let her do it because it needs to be done? Or have to come back another time and start all over again? Please God, I pray, let it be enough.

She tells us she has enough blood and that we can go. I'm prepared to carry you out of the room, though you are past the stage where you are carried unless you are fast asleep.

But, you slide down on your own and head for the door, still crying a little.

I follow close behind and gently take your free hand, not the one that you are cradling close to your body.

You squeeze my hand and I try to blink back more tears.

I want to promise you that it will never happen again, but I know that we'll be back again.



Please visit at least the linker before and after you.

Pour Your Heart Out: When Mom Doesn't Have the Answers

Welcome to Pour Your Heart Out- if you need more info on how to participate, check out THIS post. But it's personal- it's what YOU think is pouring your heart out. Please grab the PYHO button or link back in your post if you are participating.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

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Hey y'all! I have family arriving today.  I will be around to read all the PYHO links and to visit all commenters, but you'll have to forgive me if it takes a little longer than usual this week!

This is a crazy week at my house. Well, I should say a crazier-than-usual week at our house. It's always a little crazy here. But, we have even more going on here than normal.

When it came time for Pour Your Heart Out, I looked in my drafts and thought yesssssss! I have one already done and I can use that one and be done with it.  And there was nothing wrong with that post. In fact, I'm positive that I will post it at some point.

But, after spending yesterday morning in tears and yet having my post have absolutely nothing to do with what had me so upset, I felt like a PYHO fraud.

So, back into drafts that other post went.

And instead, I'll share what had me so upset. What has me so upset.

It's my Bear, headed to school this fall.

Now, wait, before you roll your eyes at yet another "my baby is starting school and I'm so sad" post, this is different.

My oldest started Kindergarten last year. And while I did the typical mom-worry over him about the little things, I also knew he would be fine and practically didn't bring the van to a complete stop as I kicked him out of his seat by the third day of school. Okay, I came to a complete stop. Otherwise, the van door doesn't open. Lucky for him. 


But, this is my Bear heading off to school. It's not the same for him.

It's not the typical worries of a kindergarten mom. He has so much more that he has to deal with.

And while I thought we had settled on a school for him, after talking to the director again yesterday morning, I was left feeling completely unsettled. Feeling that this was not the right choice for him at all.

There is a school that I do think would be best for him, but it is not a possibility right now. And yes, we have tried everything.

And I was left feeling worried and scared for my Bear. I don't want him to end up lost in the shuffle. I want him to be somewhere that will embrace his uniqueness and yet help him find his way in the classroom.

I don't know what the solution is. And that leaves me feeling even worse.

Moms are supposed to have the answers, aren't we? We're supposed to know how to make it all better.

And right now, I don't. I don't have a clue how to help my Bear.






If you are linking up, please visit the linker above and below you. You can always visit more, too!

A Lesson from Five Year Olds

On Monday morning, I took my boys to the church where my middle son went to preschool last year. The one that my youngest will attend this fall.

It was time for Vacation Bible School. VBS. Where I can drop off my kiddos and have three glorious hours of quiet each day without feeling guilty about it, since they are off learning and having fun and all that good stuff. My boys need Jesus, you know. 


I knew my oldest would be fine.  I wasn't sure about my 3 year-old because I hadn't even known until that morning that they had a class for his age. But, he was fine.

It was my 5 year-old Bear that I was the most concerned about. He's a total sweetheart, but things aren't always easy for him. And I always worry about just how much I need to explain to an adult who is going to be in charge of him.

But, when we got to his group, I saw that his girlfriend was there.  The one he started a flashmob with on a preschool field trip.

He went and sat down with her, big hugs all around, and I knew he would be fine.

One of the few ways I feel comfortable sharing a pic of someone else's child on my blog. 

They are best buddies and she helps him so much. Some of that help is because she can be a little bossy and he adores her so much he'll do whatever she says, but I'll take it.  I left with no worries about him.

On Tuesday, I went to go sign him out from his group and the leader of that group told me that he had been moved to another group that morning.  They ended up with a lot more 5 year-olds than they had planned on, so they split the kids up and created a second group.

My panicked eyes flew to the new sign out list, quickly scanning down the sheet. Phew. Bear's girlfriend had been moved to the other group with him.

I gave a relieved laugh and said, "Oh, I'm so glad you moved Bear and Bear's Girlfriend together."

An eyeroll was the response that I received.  When Bear was told to go to the other group, he and his girlfriend grabbed hands and headed to the new group together. They were told no, Bear was moving, but Girlfriend was not. They stopped, kept holding hands, and refused. So, the wise teachers decided not to fight it and let the two be together.

I could be embarrassed that my child wasn't listening and doing as he was told. But, I'm not.

Instead, I'm taking a lesson from him.  He has someone whom he sticks with. Someone who holds his hand and helps him. Someone he has a blast with.

And he wasn't about to let anyone separate them.

Yes, they both play with others. And they don't have to be together all the time.

But, when it comes down to it, they have that person that they want with them. And they aren't letting go.

I think we should all have a friend like that.  We might not always be together, but when it's important, we stick together.

Do you have a friend like that? 

Pour Your Heart Out: What They Don't Understand

Psst: If Blogger is still being difficult with comments, here's a way around it! When you go to comment, select "name/url" when you are chosing "comment as."

Welcome to Pour Your Heart Out- if you need more info on how to participate, check out THIS post. But it's personal- it's what YOU think is pouring your heart out. Please grab the PYHO button or link back in your post if you are participating.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

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I want to vent about how some people judge a child without having any idea of what that child is going through. How they make comments or stare at a child, assuming they are just acting out and that the child is bad or that the parents need to do a better job at parenting and then the child wouldn't act like that.

I want to remind people that they never really know what is going on. How they might think a certain behavior is acting out, but really, it's something that a child can't help.

But, I know that y'all will tell me that such people don't matter. To ignore them because they don't mean anything.

And, in my head, I KNOW this. I know that those people don't matter. I know that they don't have a clue what sort of difficulties my Bear has.  I know I should say say screw them and just focus on what an amazing little guy my Bear is.

Because my Bear is amazing.  I love him. I love him fiercely.

But, do you know what?

Sometimes I just want to stamp my feet and yell and scream that it's not fair.

I want to slap someone who says something judgmental about my child.

I want to shake someone who dares to stare at my child when he's doing something that he can't help.

Part of me wants to try to explain it away. To make them understand that he can't help it. To watch their expressions when they realize that maybe they judged too quickly.

But, then again- I don't owe any of those people an explanation.

Not even a little bit.

It's not their business.

What good would it do to explain? So that they can then nod their heads knowingly, give me a look of pity and superiority, and then rush to gossip with the other moms?

I don't freaking think so.

So instead, I take a deep breath.

I focus on my child until everyone else is blurred away.

And I see his huge smile.

I feel his arms wrapped tightly around me.

I hear him whisper "I love you in my heart, Mom."

And I realize that HE is the one who matters.

And that those who don't take the time to get to know him- it's their loss.

Pour Your Heart Out: When Your Child Is Different

If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.

But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.

Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

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When your child has problems being able to understand things the way other kids do, it's so heartbreaking.


You want to be able to explain. You want them to "get it."


But, they can't.


My four year-old thinks differently than "normal" kids. There are things he doesn't "get." The world is black and white to him: for instance, in his world, there are no shades of "bad."  Bad is bad. A toy stolen away from someone who was playing with it is equally as bad as a hit or a bite.


There is no "worse" to him. So, if he sees the reprimands differ so much, he doesn't understand why.  But, he will take it personally. If he and another child were both "bad," to his eyes, they should both get the same punishment. Not one more harsh than another.


It's a bit of an oxymoron, because he can't understand degrees of "bad" or "good," but he will notice if someone isn't as nice to him as they are to another child.  And he takes it personally- that it is not his action that someone doesn't like, but him. And he cries. And then I cry.


I do not expect everything that he does wrong to be excused because, "oh, he doesn't understand, let's let him get away with murder."


We do have to work to teach him.  But, it has to be in small steps, in ways that he can understand. 


Some might say that this approach isn't preparing him for real life. That exceptions will not always be made and he needs to deal with it. To this I say, he's four and that is why there is such a thing as "special needs." Their needs are special, different from other children's needs.


You can't just say deal with it, do what the other kids are doing.


It would be like if I dropped your non-swimming child into the deep end of the pool and said "Swim. The other kids can do it." And then sneered down at your sinking child instead of reaching out to keep them from drowning.


You don't hold the child who can't swim to the same standards you do the child who can. You let them start in the shallow end. You let them use swimmies. You let them hold on to the side. You understand when they go out too far and grab for you in panic.  You know that jumping off the diving board into the deep end isn't something that will happen that first day. You accept that it is going to be a process.


Even as you look across the pool and see all the fun that the other kids are having, the ease with which they swim back and forth and play.  Even as you wish you could say, "Just swim. The other kids can. They're your age. Just swim!"


You can't.


You have to take each child where they are and work with them to get them to understand.


It's not fair to treat them differently, you still say? Well, it's NOT FAIR that my son has the struggles he has, either.

Once Is a Funny Story, Twice is a Mom Fail

I can't believe it happened.


No, let me rephrase that: I can't believe it happened AGAIN. 


Once and it's just something that a lot of kids do.


But, when it's twice in one week...well, you start to feel like a bad mom.


Last Monday, I showed you the pics of what happened when my boys cut each other's hair.  All their long, beautiful hair gone.


And so many of you  shared stories of your kids doing the same thing or even you doing that when you were a kid.


No judgement, just laughter.


But, what if I tell you that for the second Friday in a row, my Bear got out the scissors and pretended to be a barber?


Good God, woman, don't you ever watch your kids?


Didn't you learn to put the scissors away?


Your kids are going to get really hurt soon.


What are you doing when your kids do these things?


At least, that is what I hear in my head. Trust me, I've said that and worse to myself.


And tried to defend myself but my responses sound weak even to my own ears.


He was in the kitchen, having a snack.


I did put all the scissors away. Except for the kitchen shears, which were dirty and in the sink. Didn't realize he'd climb up on the counter and find them in there and use them to cut his hair.


He was out of my sight for less than five minutes.


What was I doing? Well, yes, I was on the computer.  I do work.


Do I think that my children could somehow get hurt if I don't keep them in my sight at all times? Yes. Though, they could still get hurt even if I can see everything they are doing...


I felt like a horrible mom.


And still feel guilty that it happened again. Like once is funny, twice is a total Mom Fail.



Let me remind you what my Bear looked like before any of the haircuts:

After haircut #1 last week:

This week's haircut:

If he does it again, he'll be bald.

They recognized us and called my kids by name at the salon. After all, it was less than a week since we'd been there.

Total mom fail.

But, here's the thing: anyone who would judge and say that I'm a horrible mom for this...well, no one is as hard on me as I am. So, trust me, I've already thought what you may be thinking and worse.

*****

Btw, Natalie at Mommy of a Monster does a Mom Fail Monday you might want to check out if you've ever felt like I do.

Also, I saw this posted tweeted out yesterday by Lynn and thought it was a good philosophy to adopt: In Which I'm Not Even Worried About It.

Would You Have Smiled?

Literal are the young.
Expressions they do not get.

Hyperbole, similes, metaphor
Are lost in preschool land.


Misunderstandings do occur
If this should be forgotten.


All this we were reminded
When middle son his pants did drop


After Daddy remarked
to our skinny boy
"You have no butt at all."


Turning around,
His naked tush
Our son did flash.


"See? I do have a butt!"
As Daddy was proven wrong.


Mommy hid her smile
As the thought occurred
A blog post she now has!




Linking up with Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop and the prompt: Write a poem about a time someone made you smile. Okay, so I'm not a poet, but this definitely made me smile! And laugh until I almost cried.


Pssst, did you get a chance to check out any of the Pour Your Heart Out links yesterday? Some great stories there!

Pour Your Heart Out: The Hardest Glass to Pour

Yes, you are in the right place for Pour Your Heart Out! In fact, my most personal ever... Just a new look!

Thank you so much to Jess @ The Frilly Coconut for coming up with this fabulous design! I hope you like it because it will be sticking around for a long time.





If you are looking for a new design, I highly recommend that you check out her design site! Jess is so easy to work with- she really wants you to love your design. You can see her portfolio and her very reasonable prices if you click her cute button. She does both blogger and wordpress designs. She just opened her design list again- so hurry and get on it!

If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.

But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.

Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

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I've mentioned many times on here the struggles that my middle son, Bear,  has.  You can click on the "Bear" label at the bottom of this post if you want to read more about him, as this post will not go into his struggles. This is something else.

I'm always pretty vague and say something like "delays due to a medical issue." And I leave it at that.

The biggest reason is that we are involved in a lawsuit with the person who is responsible for his illness. And trust me, this is not a case of wanting to point the blame at someone. I am not a sue-happy person. There was gross negligence(is that what it's called when someone is a big fat liar and their lie results in a child almost dying?). But, I never really felt comfortable discussing it because we have not gone to court yet and so I worried about putting anything out there that could somehow come back to bite me.

I'm not really sure how it could. Yet, still, I will not put all the details out there now because of this. But, I will tell you that because of this, we HAD to move last year and my husband could no longer work for the company he was working for because he couldn't stand to look at his boss. And I had the overwhelming urge to charge into his office and punch said boss in his face. Even though I'm really not a violent person. And his ex-boss outweighs me by a good 200 pounds or so. Give or take.

And that I felt the need to get rid of the majority of our furniture, most of the boys' toys and a variety of other things. Anything that I wasn't sure that I could clean well enough to feel okay about it. So, it meant that when we moved last fall, we were starting out with almost nothing.

The details... I really can't discuss still. Or feel like I should. I'm sure you can draw some conclusions from all this, which I will neither confirm nor deny, so let's not go there. But, we can talk about Bear.

Last week, I noticed that there is actually an awareness week for what my son has. And I thought seriously about writing about it then. But, I needed time. This is not the sort of post that you just toss off really quickly and mindlessly hit the "publish" button.

What my Bear lives with is lead poisoning. He is the only one of my children who does. My other two are not affected.

Lead poisoning can be very serious. Fatal, even. It's not a joke or something to be taken lightly. And even if you are like me and religiously scan the recalled toy lists to check to make sure that none of your child's toys contains any lead... you can encounter it in other places.

Lead is very sweet. And little children can actually become addicted to it.

The effects can be serious: decreased bone and muscle growth; poor muscle coordination; damage to nervous system, kidneys, and hearing; developmental delays, and seizures and unconsciousness.

It can lead to potentially permanent learning and behavior disorders. Aggression, too. Autistic and SPD(sensory processing disorder) are labels that were considered for my son before we knew about the lead poisoning. Because he displayed many of the same characteristics.

Since he's been away from the sources of lead for over a year now, Bear's lead levels have dropped. When you get tested, you want your levels to be below 10µg/dL. Though, there are no "normal" lead levels: it should be at zero. But, once you have a high lead level reading, what you want is under 10. His started at 36 and are now down to 15. Still high, but dropping.

Removing him from the lead and being sure he has a good diet are all we can do.

No one can really tell us how long it will take for his levels to drop. Or how many of the effects will be permanent and which will fade as his levels drop.

We don't know.

Next to being told that the effects will definitely be permanent and that he will never improve, telling us that we don't know has got to be one of the most frustrating things ever.

I'm not writing this because I expect anyone to give me any answers- we've spoken to every doctor/specialist that we can about this. And, yes, I know how to google just as well as the next person.

I'm merely writing this as a mom, who is heartbroken. Who still can't think about this without crying. Who thought that she was being careful and never would have guessed how her child would be hurt.

A mom who knew something was off and kept insisting on evaluations and tests until she got an answer. Who could have lost her son if she hadn't pushed for these things.

A mom whose family had to start all over with nothing in order to help her son. A mom who therefore might not have the money to do really basic things now because of it, but a mom who thinks it was worth it to see the improvement in her son over the past year.

Also a mommy blogger who wants to kick someone when they call her a sellout for doing product reviews when it gives her kids things that they couldn't otherwise have because of what her family has gone through to help her son. Parents make sacrifices for their children, but it's hard when children have to make sacrifices, too.

A mom who fights for her son when others see him as different. Because not many people have a clue about the effects that lead poisoning can have and they just don't understand.

A mom who wants everyone to be able to see her son as the sweet, loving boy that he is.

A mom who prays for God to heal her son.

A mom whose heart breaks when she thinks of what could have happened. What might still lay ahead.

You just never know. Go hug your babies. And please know that there are some questions that I simply cannot answer- so if you ask them in the comments, I may not be able to respond. Or even if I can, I simply might not be up for it. Thank you for understanding that.

Pour Your Heart Out: A Glass of Helplessness

If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.

But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.

Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

 <a href="http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="" src="http://i904.photobucket.com/albums/ac246/shellthings/pouryourheartout.jpg" /></a>

I had a parent-teacher meeting at Bear's preschool last week, with both his teacher and the director of the school. I was still trying to process everything and deal with it all before I poured anything out.


My Bear(4) is my child that I worry the most about.  He has some learning issues due to some health concerns. And while the progress he has made in the past year is AMAZING, he is still well behind kids his age. If you want to read more about some of what we have gone through with him, you can click on the "Bear" label at the bottom of this post.


Last year, he had a very limited vocabulary. Most worrying was that you could talk to him and it was like he couldn't hear you. Not a hearing problem- whisper the word "chocolate" across the room from him and he would come running. But, he often wouldn't respond when you would try to talk to him. It was different than a child choosing not to listen to Mom- it was like he COULDN'T, not a choice.


And then it started to get better. Where he would respond and we rejoiced. But, often, his response didn't match up to what you were saying. He knew he was supposed to respond, but didn't know how to respond in what we think of as in a "normal" way, so he would tell you something completely different from what you were expecting.


His vocabulary has really grown in the past year.  And he is getting better with appropriate responses.


But, he still isn't where he needs to be. And this causes major frustration for him.


We had him evaluated in the spring and he falls into the range that made me groan in disappointment when I was a teacher: below average but not low enough to qualify for any sort of additional help/therapy.


Though, in gross motor skills, he tests 2-3 years above his age. We are not surprised in the least by this.


His evaluation team was shocked by the results, as they thought that they were going to be working with him. But, they had to go by the test results. One of them said that it's something that's hard to put your finger on, but when you are talking to him, something just seems "off."


He had a PHENOMENAL preschool teacher last year. Honestly, I don't think it's possible to find someone better for him. Unfortunately, we had to move and that school is now over an hour from our house. I so wanted him to have that teacher again. I thought of every scenerio where he could still go to that school- but it just wasn't possible.


So, I researched schools near us and enrolled him in the one that I thought would be best for him.  Five days a week, for 3 hours each day, with some days allowing him to stay for an extra hour for Lunch Bunch, which he loves.


Next year, when he starts kindergarten, he will be in full-day kindergarten. So, I figured we needed to get him ready and that the routine would be good for him.


But, his teacher doesn't feel like he's ready. That maybe it is too much for him. She has a bigger class than what he is used to, so he's not getting the one-on-one that he needs. And she doesn't have the time to draw out the appropriate answers from him when she asks him questions. But, again, we're thinking towards kindergarten where he will go to the school where my oldest is- and there are TWENTY-EIGHT kids in his kindergarten class. So yes, the 10 in his preschool this year is more than the 4 in his class last year, but it's nothing compared to what is coming up next year.


Last week, he got so frustrated with the classroom and not being understood(this is the teacher's reasoning behind it), that he actually bit another child.


Bit.


Hard.


This is NOT something that is in his character. He DID used to bite back when he was 2 and couldn't say more than a handful of words. But, it has not been an issue in close to 2 years now.


He's usually the child who will hug or kiss a friend and want to sit in an adult's lap.


I wanted to cry in that conference because I didn't know what to say or do to help. I still don't know.


What we are trying for the time being is to have him go to school only 3 days a week. See if maybe giving him a little bit of a break works.  And I am going to really focus on some structured activities with him when he is home those days.


I don't know if this is the right decision at all. I don't know if it would be better to keep him going five days. Or if I should try to magically find the money to pay for additional help for him. Or find him a different school. I just don't know.


But, my heart is aching for him. For my sweet child, who is struggling. For my little boy, who isn't always understood. I feel helpless.

Four Years....

Four years ago today, my Bear was born.

He was the sweetest little newborn. I would actually wake up in the middle of the night to check on him because he was such a good sleeper. Don't hate me-, my oldest was the world's worst sleeper.

He was the smiliest, happiest, most content baby.

If he was tired, he would just fall asleep wherever we were.

No fussing.

He often got dragged all over the place because his older brother(older by just short of 17 months) was on the go. Bear never complained.

He took his very first step exactly on his first birthday.

His smiles melted my heart...still do.

Btw, we actually called him "Little Bear." I've dropped the "little" since then, at least on my blog.

My baby turned 2...and became a big brother about 2 weeks later.

He was still a sweet little boy, but we did start to worry about him, since he wasn't hitting milestones when he should.

Here he is on his third birthday:

Shortly after that, we found out that he was sick and that explained a lot of the delays that he had.

Bear had us worried for quite a while.

Our sweet boy.

He's healed a lot in the past year.

He's our smiley, happy, loving Bear.

When I go in to check on him before I go to bed, I always kiss him and say "I love you."

Without even waking up, he murmers back, "I love you, too, Mommy."

He is a mama's boy:  He loves the beach and occasionally needs time alone. Oh, does he have a temper. But, he also cries when someone around him is hurting.

He gives the best hugs.

Have I mentioned that smile?

Happy 4th birthday to my Little Bear!

*****

The Baby Contest ends at 5pm EST TODAY! Please, please, please(yes, I'm begging), go vote for Bear's little brother Mason. No registration required. Quick and easy voting. Thanks so much! Vote HERE

Pour Your Heart Out: Week 3

If you want more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.

But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.

Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

   <a href="http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="" src="http://i904.photobucket.com/albums/ac246/shellthings/pouryourheartout.jpg" /></a>



This is my "where I suck as a mom" edition of Pour Your Heart Out.


I have to tell you that this is probably the worst thing that I've done as a mother and even *I* who tells you everything, hesitated about sharing this.


Because it breaks my heart that I failed so miserably.


For those of you who don't know, I was a teacher for almost 6 years before my oldest was born.  I became known for taking those students who didn't shine in other classes and having them shine like a superstar for me. That expectations and encouragement make a huge difference. I preached that shit.


Which makes my fail even worse.


Again, if you don't know, my almost-4-year-old, Bear, has had some developmental delays due to a previous illness. As he's healing, he's making tremendous strides.


But, I had him evaluated once again recently. As his preschool teacher and I were discussing the results from the eval team, she said something that stopped me in my tracks.


She said, "He is such a smart little boy. He's so smart."


And my heart stopped.


Not that I've ever said that he was stupid, but I don't think I've ever called him smart.


He's extremely athletic and has always tested well above his age in his gross motor skills. He tests higher than his big brother in this area. At least 2 years above the norm in that area. He's our little athlete.


He's sweet as all can be. He hugs and kisses and freely gives out "I love you"s.  He's the first to notice if someone is crying and go see if they are okay. I clearly remember the day that our doctor called to give us his lab results last year. Tears were streaming down my face and my little Bear ran to get a baby wipe and tried to wipe my tears away.


And he's gorgeous. He has the best smile and the prettiest eyes, with the longest eyelashes.


But, have I ever told him that I thought he was smart?


Maybe. Yes. No. I don't know. I don't remember. Probably not.


Worse: have I ever really thought "Bear is smart"?


I don't think so.


See, I told you this was bad.


And, oh, my darling Bear, I'm so sorry. So, so, so, so sorry. You are smart.  You know so much and try so hard to learn new things. You are learning new things every day. My smart, smart Bear.

Mommy Moments: Boys, Bras, and Boobs

Do you have those moments where you think OMG, I never thought I/my kids would say/do that.


 No, not me....and not my kids.....

And then, motherhood proves you wrong!

Mommy Moments Monday is our chance to share those.

I should probably go ahead and admit that I laugh inappropriately when this stuff happens.

Sometimes, it's either laugh or cry.

I much prefer laughing.

As you probably know, I have three little boys. In case you didn't know that and want to ask me if I'm going to try for a little girl, let me state for the record that I had three kids, none of them twins, within the span of less than 3.5 years. We're done. I can see the light at the end of the diaper tunnel.

Moving on.

Yesterday morning, my almost-4 year-old came into my room when he woke up in the morning. He found one of my bras on the floor beside the bed where I'd tossed it before getting into bed.

He picked it up and said, "It's your zebra, Mom."

Zebra?

Zebra?

Oh....

Ze......bra!

"Where's the white stripes, Mom?"

Side note: I want to cry that he no longer calls me "Mommy."

"I look on the directions."

Then, he tries to put my bra on.

Looks down at himself and asks.....

"Where are my horns?"

Don't worry.


Hubs told him that they aren't called "horns."


Instead, they are

There's my Mommy Moment for this week. Be sure to click the Mommy Moments button and check out others and to share your own!

A Completely Different Child

Just a few months ago, my little Bear....

Oh, my Bear.

He has always been such a sweet little boy.

But, he really struggled.

Developmental delays.

Sensory Processing Disorder.

Speech delays.

Even the big "A" word was tossed around.

All as a result of an illness that he had.

No one could tell us if the effects would go away as his body healed or if there would be permanent neurological damage. Just typing those three words makes me want to throw up.

I tried my best to hold it together during the day, but I would go into his room when he was sleeping, run my fingers through his hair, and pray for God to heal him. And cry. Wanting him to be "normal." Wanting everyone to be able to see the sweet little boy that he is.

Bear, on his first day of 3 year-old preschool.

He would try to express himself, get frustrated that he couldn't, and sometimes bite someone.

Or scream.

He'd try to tell us things, but couldn't really string many words together. Unless he was singing. It's the reason I tolerate the weirdness of Yo Gabba Gabba. Their songs helped us communicate with our son.

He'd cover his ears and leave the room if things were loud.

You could call for him and it was like he couldn't even hear you.

And not in the same way that my other boys might choose to ignore me.

He really couldn't hear me.

Getting him to do simple things like sit down or walk with his classmates in a line were impossible for him.

He wasn't trying to be difficult or defiant.

It was just beyond him to be able to do those things.

Even trying to get him to cooperate enough to be able to be evaluated by the early childhood interventionists was near impossible. They weren't sure what to do with him, since they couldn't really tell us any results that they considered valid. So, all they would suggest is that we retest him in a few months. Over and over again.

But, oh, how he's changed.

We all understand him now.

He speaks in long sentences.

He answers when you ask him a question.

Sometimes he says or does things that his older brother would get in trouble for, but we laugh and hug him. Excited that he CAN say these things.

He is able to sit and participate with his classmates.

He can hear you when you call for him.

Sometimes he might choose not to actually do what you tell him to, but it's a choice, not an inability to process what you are asking him to do.

He still has some struggles, but he is healing.

It's like he is a completely different child from who he was just a few months ago.

Bear, on the day of his preschool Valentine's Day party

I'm typing this with tears in my eyes.

He went through another early childhood intervention screening recently. I watched from another part of the room as he sat at the different stations, following directions and talking to the evaluators. We only hit one small bump, because they had over-scheduled the evaluations and at one point, he had to play for about a half an hour before moving to the final station. By that point, he was tired and wanting to play and didn't cooperate.

But, that was only one small segment. And I think it's even understandable for any three year-old.

The results of that screening told the team that he did not need to come back to undergo the full screening. Not unless I, as the parent, had additional concerns.

Because I like to be on the safe side and I'd rather he get additional help now if he needs it, and because his score was not much above their cut-off point for needing to have further evaluations done, I did tell the team that I wanted to bring him back for the full evaluation. That is where we are headed this afternoon.

I still worry about him. I don't know if I'll ever stop.

But, I know now that he is getting better. And pray that in time, there will be no lasting effects from his illness.

What a blessing.

Click HERE for other people who have to tell you the story behind their pictures.

Little Things Can Make Me Cry(in a good way this time)

I took Bear out to the beach the other day while Hubs was in the house with a napping Cub and a ninja-turtle-watching Monkey.





When we got out there, there were 4 children playing right in front of our steps.





I looked around, wondering where the heck their parents were, since they ranged in age from 7 to 11.





But,that's not my point.





Bear went right up to them and said, "Hi, I Bear."





And then stuck out his hand to shake each one of those kids' hands.





Once he had offered it to each one of them, he said, "Nice to meet you."





I was almost instantly a blubbering mess.





Because Bear is usually in his own little world.





He likes to be around other kids, but doesn't usually interact with them so much. He wants to, but he hasn't known how. And it's been the source of much frustration for him, to not understand why other kids aren't playing with him.





So, for him to go right up to them and introduce himself...





And in such a polite manner....





It was such a proud mama moment.





And it gives me hope that he will be able to pull out of the little world he's been stuck in. He really is healing.

Seeing the boy: Wordful Wednesdays

Because I don't know how to simply post a pic and not say something. I'll write more about Bear and his challenges at a different time. It's something that is still relatively new to us and hard to talk about, even on this blog that is supposed to be one where I can say anything...

But, I still needed to share this much, as the way that others(particularly family recently) see this little boy.

Bear is a beach person, just like his mama.

He's only 3.

He has the most beautiful smile.

He's quick to tell you that he loves you or to ask if you are okay.

He even brought me a tissue and tried to wipe my eyes when I was on the phone with his doctor, hearing his diagnosis.

Not having a clue that I was crying for him.

He has many challenges ahead of him.

But, I'll be there to help him.

I know that it is going to be a struggle.

People who don't know him don't understand.

I get that, I really do.

And thankfully, we've been blessed by people who are willing to try to understand him.

They don't just see his problems.

They just see a sweet little boy.