Pour Your Heart Out: Week 3
If you want more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.
But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.
Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.
Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)
This is my "where I suck as a mom" edition of Pour Your Heart Out.
I have to tell you that this is probably the worst thing that I've done as a mother and even *I* who tells you everything, hesitated about sharing this.
Because it breaks my heart that I failed so miserably.
For those of you who don't know, I was a teacher for almost 6 years before my oldest was born. I became known for taking those students who didn't shine in other classes and having them shine like a superstar for me. That expectations and encouragement make a huge difference. I preached that shit.
Which makes my fail even worse.
Again, if you don't know, my almost-4-year-old, Bear, has had some developmental delays due to a previous illness. As he's healing, he's making tremendous strides.
But, I had him evaluated once again recently. As his preschool teacher and I were discussing the results from the eval team, she said something that stopped me in my tracks.
She said, "He is such a smart little boy. He's so smart."
And my heart stopped.
Not that I've ever said that he was stupid, but I don't think I've ever called him smart.
He's extremely athletic and has always tested well above his age in his gross motor skills. He tests higher than his big brother in this area. At least 2 years above the norm in that area. He's our little athlete.
He's sweet as all can be. He hugs and kisses and freely gives out "I love you"s. He's the first to notice if someone is crying and go see if they are okay. I clearly remember the day that our doctor called to give us his lab results last year. Tears were streaming down my face and my little Bear ran to get a baby wipe and tried to wipe my tears away.
And he's gorgeous. He has the best smile and the prettiest eyes, with the longest eyelashes.
But, have I ever told him that I thought he was smart?
Maybe. Yes. No. I don't know. I don't remember. Probably not.
Worse: have I ever really thought "Bear is smart"?
I don't think so.
See, I told you this was bad.
And, oh, my darling Bear, I'm so sorry. So, so, so, so sorry. You are smart. You know so much and try so hard to learn new things. You are learning new things every day. My smart, smart Bear.
Labels: Bear, pour your heart out
posted by Shell at
12:01 AM
80 Comments:
You've always known he was smart, even if you never said it.
Those are tough words to say out loud (or type). But I'm glad you did. We love our children for all they are...and aren't. And I'm sure he is VERY smart, but maybe not in the traditional sense, or maybe not as smart as your other boys, or maybe... But you're saying it NOW. Even if you've never said it, say it now. And say it often. It will be wonderful for him to hear and will boost his ego. (Like you don't know that...) I'm proud of you for sharing something so deep and personal. I imagined myself writing the post, crying the whole time. Congrats to you for recognizing and growing!
Oh Shell! He knows you think he's perfect. AND SMART. Children who struggle in one area are almost always gifted in another. You were just so worried with making sure you did the best you could for him that you are second guessing yourself. Don't do that! You are a great Mommy! Bear knows your heart!
Shell? He knows that you think this--that you know this. You are a wonderful momma. I think sometimes us mommas get so focused on being concerned and trying so hard to make sure our kiddos are happy and we worry--we worry a lot.
This post made me cry :( You are an AMAZING momma--Bear, your readers, all of us? We know that--and Bear didn't need you to tell him that all of the time.
Because he is that smart. He already knew.
Love you honey. *hugs* xoxo
Shell you are amazing and you obviously thing he is amazing ...Smart is such a generic term for something that is of shear perfection...I know in my heart of hearts that there is no way you every thought other wise and unless you are telling him he is not smart he never thinks otherwise. He is obviously smart and shining because of the love he is getting at home, I may not make it to my pour your heart out story this week because I am up to my ears in life rafts love this post and the honesty as always great blog ma'am
Oh Shell, I cried reading this. Did you stop to think WHY he is shining? You have said so many other wonderful things to him, I know it in my heart. Girl, YOU are the reason he is shining, YOU are the reason he is smart. Through the comments you post, through your posts themselves, your wonderful, kind, caring, and loving nature just shines through. I have absolutely not one doubt in my mind that Little Bear knows that his momma thinks he hung the moon.
I, too, have tears in my eyes. I think we, as moms, can be hard on our selves when it comes to our children. I agree with Frugal Vicki. You hung the moon.
of all the things we tell our kids, I dont think ive ever said "you are smart" to my little one either. You are not a bad parent, and you were doing what teachers (and parents) do best praising on his accomplishments rather that be sports or what have you! Dont feel bad, your are not a "sucky mom"
This made me teary eyed too.
I think he knows that you're proud of him. I'm sure that he knows you love him and that he can make you proud.
Don't feel bad. Just the other day, i was thinking about how Emma is not reaching those milestones fast enough...she's almost 6 months and she still cannot sit on her own or roll over. I was wondering if she was smart enough. I felt really guilty and started crying!
You definitely poured your heart out. The words from his teacher are fabulous though. Kids are so amazing on how quickly they can overcome a hurdle and how quickly they learn!
you love him and that love you show him tells him everything. Sometimes us Moms have so much on our minds lately that we forget to say the simple things...our kids just know sometimes!
smart is just another label. labeling kids is unhealthy anyways. you love him because he's him. :)
Oh my goodness, in no way have you failed. You are the reason he is such a caring, kind, loving, and smart little boy. He knows you love him and think the best of him. Please don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing a good job.
Sometimes when we think of "smart" we think of "book smart." When really, there are so many other ways of being smart! Don't feel bad for not telling him! You are doing YOUR BEST as a parent, and that is all that matters! We learn from our experiences. You had a little change of heart, and now you can tell him how smart you think he is EVERY DAY! I love reading your blog, because you are so honest. Loves!
You have me thinking. I have a son who has Sensory Processing Disorder and has struggled in many areas. He's 8 and has trouble tying his shoes, he can't ride a bike {these are fine motor skills that are too much for him} and he has had his fair share of struggles in school. But he's smart ~ and I don't think I've ever told him either.
{{{HUGS}}} No matter what, we are fantastic moms. I love your blog and am excited that I have found you through Chelle.
And I totally participated last week, but LOL, forgot to link up WOOPS!
Shell-wow, that sounds like a very tough mommy moment and I think you're being very hard on yourself...your boy is very lucky to have such a concerned, loving and caring momma...give yourself a break lady!
http://thepursuitofmommyness.com/
I cried my face off reading this, because I totally understand. My oldest is the "smart one", my youngest the "athletic and cute one". I feel your pain, and your guilt. But I think we love our kids the same, just in different ways. He never thought you didn't think he was smart, even if you never said it. You are not a bad mom. You are a kind, wise, and brave mom. :)
My eldest is our "Smart" kid. The one who is in the top stream in Mathematics, English and Science. The one for whom school is easy.
Then came Rhiannon. She is funny and theatrical. She is everyones friend. Even the kids in school with disabilities. Always happy, always caring. Always struggling academically.
Sometimes we get so used to who are kids are that we don't see beyond that. That's why teachers are so great to help us see the bigger picture. They show us a side to our kids that maybe we don't see.
You are obviously a great Mum or else this comment would not even have registered with you. Keep up the good work and know that none of us are perfect. We are all just doing the very best that we can do.
Because of YOU my Rhiannon will be getting an extra special bedtime hug from me tonight. And just after I wish her goodnight I will be whispering something in her ear...
To one little girl in Australia you have never met YOU will have made a difference!
Thank you!
Have you told him he is kind? Have you told him he's compassionate? Have you told him he can change the world? Have you told him that he works hard? Have you told him the you respect him? Have you told him that you admire him?
There are a lot of things we don't say to our children' with words.
In fact, I'd encourage you to read NurtureShock. The first chapter deals with the "Inverse Power of Praise." Saying things like "you are so smart" is empty praise. Kids get hooked on that kind of feedback like crack. But life doesn't work that way and they eventually start to fail when real work is expected and they don't have praise being handed to them on a silver platter.
Instead, saying things like "I can see you really worked hard to figure that out" and "You practiced a lot to make that happen" are far mor epowerfu sets of words.
So skip the guilt and take pride in knowing you've been doing it right all along.
You are definitely too hard on yourself! The mere fact that you stop to consider such things shows that you are a compassionate and aware mother who is doing great by your children!
So this may be something you haven't thought of before. Sweetie, you're HUMAN--we don't think of it all and certainly can't do it all. Why did you take your son to be evaluated again? Because you care, you want the best for him, and you wanted information you may not have had. One of the pieces of information you got was he's smart. This is a good thing!YOU took the steps to care for him--you didn't fail him! And, when you got this new insight, you took it to heart!
Sorry, but I don't see this as a fail. I see this as a great, SMART mother working hard for her children, who will take other's observations and use them to make her kids' lives better.
You were focused on finding answers.
And when you needed one...you were given one.
Sometimes when us Moms are so busy caring and showing love and being concerned and always, always worrying...we get sidetracked a little.
Other people who aren't caught up in all that see things in our children that we may have focused less on because we're IN it.
This is a beautiful post. Stop beating yourself up.
You are such a wonderful mommy. And Bear knows how much you love him. And that is all he wants is your love.
Just because you don't say it doesn't mean you don't know it. And he knows that you think the world of him...otherwise do you think you'd get those free hugs and kisses and "I love you"s? Do you think he would want to wipe your tears if he didn't know that you worshipped the ground his little feet walk on?
You're a great mom and you know it. Never doubt that.
((hugs))
Sometimes it is hard to see past the issues that are on the outer surface.
I don't know that I tell my kids they are smart yet or not... maybe Z-man since he is learning so much in school, but Little b? I'm not sure. I always worry about his not knowing his colors and letters when Z already knew all that by this age.
Bear is loved and he knows and feels that love therefore you have been doing a GREAT job!!!!
As moms we are our worst critics. Bear is fully aware of who he can trust with anything, and who has his back. That would be you mom and he has learned that by watchign you and what you do.. You are a wonderful mom.
I don't think that you have failed at all...with ANY of your kids! You are an awesome mom, and even though you may not have said out loud that you thought he was smart, you didn't have to because as parents, we all feel that way about our kids!
awww momma-
i bet you told him a million other things every single day though and I bet you told 10 parents something they .. didnt' realize. You're just on the recieving end this time. :)
it's hard bein a momma bea to little bears- we don't do it all perfect. But as soon as we remember.. we do.
It's a learning curve for all of us. I don't tell my mnm i love her as much as i should because she's such a handful.
you have lots of years to think of him in all kinds of different ways.. and with a first born like yours.. it's no wonder .. your first born was exceptional and that's hard to balance fairly - even with THE BEST training.
That's why we have those lovely teachers. It's your turn now to be the parent.
xoxox
Awe you are not a bad mom. Even if you didn't say it he knows that he love him and think he is the best little guy. Don't beat yourself up. Believe me there are many things where I feel that I failed. But its funny you talked about this topic because whenever my son does something he always says "Mom am I smart?"and gets so excited when I tell him YES you are!
I bet you tell him a million other awesome/motivating things!
I think anytime we come to a realization, that that in itself makes us a better person- or mom in your case ;-)
I'm sure you're nothing but an awesome mom! Being fiercely loved is the most important thing, everything else is just icing on the cake, and it's plainly clear that you do love all of your kids with everything you have.
From reading your posts, you are an amazing mom and I can tell how much you LOVE your family. Don't beat yourself up. He knows that you love him and think he's smart. You show him everyday whether or think you do or dont. Moms always have guilt over something...start today tell him how smart he is {if that makes you feel better}...but like I said he probably already knows that :)
Oh sweetie! You are not a bad mom at all. I think sometimes it is easier to see our children's best qualities first. I agree with Messy Mommy, you may not have ever verbalized it, but you have always known he was smart.
I don't think I can add something new or meaningful, the commentators befor me said it all.
Just wanted to add that you are the best mother for your children that motherhood is such an amazing thing and a mystery that even doubting yourself comes with the teritory.
You are such a great person and an inspiration for us, your readers,
Love,
Ramona
This does not mean you have failed as a mom. You have always known that Bear is smart. Whether you have verbalized it or not, it doesn't matter. I think Bear knows this, too.
Hugs
Ahh, you have me crying before 9 a.m.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I can say the same thing about myself. Buddy is smart...but not nearly anywhere near as smart as Buster. Buster hears or sees something once and he's got it. Buddy has to work harder. I see Buddy as the charmer, the athlete, etc., and Buster as the smart one.
The only thing is, I realize I do this and...I KEEP DOING IT. Ugh.
I'm sure you've always known he was smart even if you never told him. And the awesome thing is that you can start telling him all the time now!! :) *HUGS*
You're not a failure. A child knows things like that without having to be told. He knows you love him more than anything, and that's just enough for him :)
Shell, I love the raw honesty of this... I cried too. :(
It's funny the things we find ourselves doing in our classrooms and when we are successful teachers "who make a difference"...(I always took "those" kids in too), when our own children struggle with something or we "fail" (in our eyes) as a parent, we're a thousand times harder on ourselves simply because we believe we know better.
We're human. And yes, teaching IS a superpower...but we're human. :)
I'm grateful I found your blog...and you.
xoxox
No failing here. You were a concerned mother concentrating on what you thought was necessary.
To be honest, I have done the same thing with my second born. He is very athletic and loves the great outdoors. I always knew he was smart, but it never dawned on me how smart until this school year.
My oldest is very smart. He showed signs of his intelligence at a very early age, he was speaking complete sentence by his 1st birthday. I would give anything for his memory skills.
My 2nd born always wanted to play, play, play. I never saw his intelligence like I saw his older brother's. In school, teachers made comments about his math skills. They would say he could read, but his comprehension sucked. I listened to a few other comments too.
This year, he has shined brighter than any one expected. His reading skills tested higher than his older brother's (when he was in 3rd grade). His teacher has gotten him a tutor to take his math skills into Algebra, she feels elementary math is too easy for him. Even his English skills are above his older brother.
I did not see it, until recently.
I am so proud of him, but I don't think I tell him enough. I need to make a better effort in that for all my kids.
I think it's great that you were able to realize it (even if with help). there are many parents that don't spend the time of day talking to their children's teachers. They never learn the full potential of their children, and they never help them with that potential.
GW (my 2nd child) has also helped me to looses that Jock image I still had in my head from days of school.
The good news is that smart is just a word---you have absolutely (and i can say this without even really "knowing" you) shown him acts of love and kindness, support, and confidence boosting. :)
I'm amazed at your ability to completely open up during these posts... it's a goal I'm working. From what I can tell, you are an amazing mother, and I think you can cut yourself a lot of slack on this. And if you regret not having said it before, he's three, and you have many. many wonderful years to say it to him going forward!!
While I'm not a mom Shell, I can see from your posts and all of your writing how much you truly care and LOVE your family. Please don't be hard on yourself. Just because you saw other personality traits/traits about him, and not necessarily that one does not make you a bad mom - IMHO. It doesn't mean you love him any less.
I just found your blog today - from someone else pouring out their heart - and I love it - and now I'm following.
I'm so amazed that you were so open in your post. As mom's we put so much on ourselves to be a certain way and when we don't we hate ourselves for it. I don't know if I could have posted that. But I'm glad you did - and I can tell how much you really love your kids!
OMG! You are so NOT a bad mom at all!! I could definitely feel the LOVE you have for your little Bear! Your post just screamed raw emotion and love!! It brought a lump to my throat!
I guess we can all feel like a failure at times. Parenting, though rewarding and enjoyable, can be very emotionally draining!
Keep your chin up! You're doing a great job!
Sending virtual hugs across the blogosphere!..
Annette
www.mammakerr.com
This took stones. Not because I think you're a bad mother in any way, shape or form but because you clearly feel so badly about it.
You very evidently love your family so much and I don't doubt your faith in your son for even a moment.
Don't beat yourself up Shell! We tell them those things with love. Your little bear knows he's smart especially with the mom that he has!
You? Failure? No. Good Mom? Yes.
Hey Shell! You won my giveaway! Be sure to hop over to my blog and contact me with your info so I can get the prize pack sent out....
http://adollopofmylife.blogspot.com
That's one of those things that goes unsaid, but it doesn't mean you don't think it! Your a great mom!!! Don't beat yourself up about it! :)
I was beating myself up the other day as well for different reasons but it had to do with my children not knowing how much they mean to me.
My husband said something that really stayed with me he said, "They'll always be able to tell how much you care about them and how important they are because they have a mother like you, that stops herself in the middle of the day to think about things like this"
Much Luv,
Karen
Shell don't be so hard on yourself. When we know better we do better. You haven't neglected him in any way, shape, or form. Now go hug that little boy and forgive yourself.
Shell - You might not have said the word 'smart', but it's obvious in all of your posts how you really feel. And your little Bear knows and feels your love and confidence. It's good, as a parent, to keep yourself in check. But don't be too hard on yourself.
I think we all do this with our kids. We give them a title in a way, that one is the athlete and that one is my brain child and it's not a bad thing at all...but it does sometimes make us focus on just that for them letting other talents go unrecognized.
Personally I think you're totally normal...we all do it.
The coll thing is you recognized it! High five in the mother category girl!
Don't be so hard on yourself. You obviously see all of the other wonderful things in your son and you appreciate just how special and wonderful he is. As parents, we can't remember every single praise - especially when we are focused on other areas of their life. You are obviously focused on his recovering from the illness and encouraging him to keep working.
It's those things that we know somewhere deep down, but we need someone else to help us recognize. Even if I believe it to be true, I won't coddle you and say you already knew, or that Bear could tell without your words.
Instead, I'll say think about those times as a teacher when you were on the teacher side of the table. You brought the light of awareness to those parents and they carried on with it. So now it's your turn Shell, to take the light of awareness that the pre school teacher gave you and carry it on from this point forth. Even if it was kind of there before, from here on out you can really let lose with it and help Bear to SHINE even more.
Shell,
This is my 2nd comment LOL ~ but I've been going through and reading and getting to know you and your readers and I'M IN LOVE!
Seriously.... where the heck have you been hiding?!?!?!? I think that this carnival Pour Your Heart out is AWESOME and just what I need in my life.
Shell-
As moms, I think we expect too much of ourselves. We are expect that we will recognize all their strengths and specfically encourage and support those. Recognize their weaknesses and provide opportunities for them to grow in those areas. We expect that WE WILL DO IT ALL! And we do - we love them unconditionally and THAT encourages and supports their strengths and lovingly challenges their weaknesses. Sometimes we have a hard time seeing the forest for the trees - and thankfully we have our "support staff" (teachers, grandparents, etc.) that help us see and think of our children differently. Isn't that wonderful that you have surrounded your bear with people who love him and support you?!!? Thanks for sharing!
Oh! I'm crying for you! How sad to feel like you forgot to tell your son something that seems so important to you right now. But think of all the things you do tell him every single day. He will remember all of that forever.
How incredibly honest and touching. I'm so glad that you had that epiphany and that now you know. It's ok though. He IS smart!
Stop. It. Right. Now!
You are a great mom!
All three of your children know that.
I mean you are one busy momma. You're probably lucky if you notice if your children have had lunch or have gotten a bath! I only have two and that's ENOUGH to try to keep up with. :)
Seriously, you are awesome and your children know it.
Stop. It. Right. Now!
You are a great mom!
All three of your children know that.
I mean you are one busy momma. You're probably lucky if you notice if your children have had lunch or have gotten a bath! I only have two and that's ENOUGH to try to keep up with. :)
Seriously, you are awesome and your children know it.
I bet you have noticed things that he did that were smart. You have noticed so many wonderful things about him.
Thanks for stopping by.
Shell,
You are a wonderful mom. And I know that bear knows that you think he is smart even if you never said it to him.
YOur actions to him and your love are much louder than any words. He will always know that.
Shell, you are an amazing mother! That totally shines through. Your boys are so lucky to have you for their mama.
Some where deep inside even if you didn't acknowledge it I bet you knew he was smart.
I remember always thinking and I would NEVER tell my daughter this but...I remember thinking when my girls were small that I was happy they were small...so shallow in that thought. My youngest because of medical problems is heavy now, but she has so much self esteem and I am so proud of her....yet I feel horrible sometimes because of the thought I had when they were small. It's almost like I brought it on her because I was being ugly minded. I've grown up a lot since then but it still hurts.
Bear knows you love him and its never to late to start telling him that now.
BIG HUGS
I think we all beat ourselves up at one point or another...that's why we have our spouses and our friends (irl or not) so that they can lift us back up!
You are obviously a fantastic mom!! Go give that boy some hugs from me!!
I think we all beat ourselves up at one point or another...that's why we have our spouses and our friends (irl or not) so that they can lift us back up!
You are obviously a fantastic mom!! Go give that boy some hugs from me!!
Being a mom is so hard. I swear we can do as much as possible, and still miss something important. I am sure he knows you think he is smart. He obviously knows you love him. It is so sweet that he went to get something for you to wipe your tears with. Kids are wonderfully forgiving and forgetful. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all fail sometimes. I would be willing to bet you did, at one point or another, tell him you thought he was smart.
Bear is a sweet, sweet little boy and you are a great mom to him. Sometimes we do things we don't really mean to, but we are just moms trying to do the best we can.I think our kids know how we feel about them even without saying it sometimes.
Right there with you Shell! My precious boy was wired a little differently than the norm and I worked hard to make things work for him but somehow I left him with the perspective that his differences were undesirable and that he was, maybe not dumb, but certainly not smart. And it breaks my heart that I did that!
I know it might seem as if you've never said it, but you have. Even if it wasn't "Bear, you're so smart," it was said in different words. If you've ever said he did well on a piece of art, or a project, or even while playing a game. We don't have to say it overtly, but we say it all the time in other ways. This is not a fail. No way. You're too excellent a mother, and I don't believe it for a second. And hello? You had a blinky ring AND a mask at Bloggy Boot Camp. So that makes up for it :)
This made me tear up! You are a wonderful mom and clearly care for your children, so much. Don't feel badly, about anything.
That pulled at my heart strings. I, too, have felt like you with comments from Bug's teachers. You are a great mother, don't forget that, either.
You've never had to say he's smart because this whole time you knew in the back of your mind that he IS smart!
It's awful feeling like you've failed your kids in any way. I know. But at least when we realize there's something else we can do, we can make that change.
Lots of kids are "smart" but, what is really special and what is way more important, is what you and his teachers are saying about your little guy. He's empathetic. He cares about people and the other kids in his life. Those are life skills way above the importance of IQ smart. Give me one of those any day!
Saw you on Blog Frog. I really like your site - I'll be back.
Blessings,
Tia
All right, now, STOP that this minute! Don't you know that there is no such thing as a perfect mom? Anywhere! EVERY mother makes some mistakes. EVERY mother wishes she had done something better. EVERY mother has massive attacks of guilt over some horrible way they have hurt their child. EVERY mother goes through a time when someone says something that opens our eyes. EVERY mother questions whether she has done irreparable harm to her child.
Do you hug your kids? Do you feed them, play with them, encourage them, clothe them, teach them, protect them, learn from them, love them???? OF COURSE YOU DO!! Do you do it right every single minute of every day? Nope, and neither does anyone else.
If you help your children learn you are not perfect and you remember it yourself, you'll make it through and so will they!
Your little guy will always remember how much he felt loved by his mom and in the long run nothing else matters very much!
oh Shell... Its ok. Really. You are still an awesome mom!!
I think this makes you an even better mom. I don't think you've failed at all, if anything, but seeing something you want to change in how you're doing things, addressing it, and then MAKING that change, you are a better mom than most.
I am sitting here bawling like a big ol' baby because I think as moms we try so hard to do right by our kids and make sure everyone is getting what they need. Omigosh girl you are such a good mom and you are doing right by your boys!
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