A Lesson from Five Year Olds

On Monday morning, I took my boys to the church where my middle son went to preschool last year. The one that my youngest will attend this fall.

It was time for Vacation Bible School. VBS. Where I can drop off my kiddos and have three glorious hours of quiet each day without feeling guilty about it, since they are off learning and having fun and all that good stuff. My boys need Jesus, you know. 


I knew my oldest would be fine.  I wasn't sure about my 3 year-old because I hadn't even known until that morning that they had a class for his age. But, he was fine.

It was my 5 year-old Bear that I was the most concerned about. He's a total sweetheart, but things aren't always easy for him. And I always worry about just how much I need to explain to an adult who is going to be in charge of him.

But, when we got to his group, I saw that his girlfriend was there.  The one he started a flashmob with on a preschool field trip.

He went and sat down with her, big hugs all around, and I knew he would be fine.

One of the few ways I feel comfortable sharing a pic of someone else's child on my blog. 

They are best buddies and she helps him so much. Some of that help is because she can be a little bossy and he adores her so much he'll do whatever she says, but I'll take it.  I left with no worries about him.

On Tuesday, I went to go sign him out from his group and the leader of that group told me that he had been moved to another group that morning.  They ended up with a lot more 5 year-olds than they had planned on, so they split the kids up and created a second group.

My panicked eyes flew to the new sign out list, quickly scanning down the sheet. Phew. Bear's girlfriend had been moved to the other group with him.

I gave a relieved laugh and said, "Oh, I'm so glad you moved Bear and Bear's Girlfriend together."

An eyeroll was the response that I received.  When Bear was told to go to the other group, he and his girlfriend grabbed hands and headed to the new group together. They were told no, Bear was moving, but Girlfriend was not. They stopped, kept holding hands, and refused. So, the wise teachers decided not to fight it and let the two be together.

I could be embarrassed that my child wasn't listening and doing as he was told. But, I'm not.

Instead, I'm taking a lesson from him.  He has someone whom he sticks with. Someone who holds his hand and helps him. Someone he has a blast with.

And he wasn't about to let anyone separate them.

Yes, they both play with others. And they don't have to be together all the time.

But, when it comes down to it, they have that person that they want with them. And they aren't letting go.

I think we should all have a friend like that.  We might not always be together, but when it's important, we stick together.

Do you have a friend like that? 

Can Men and Women Be Friends?

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not!
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.



If you read my post yesterday, you know that I got all upset about some little punk kid telling my 4 year old that he couldn't be friends with a girl. 


Because really, he should be able to be friends with whoever he wants to be friends with.


But, does that really apply to adults, too?  I've written before about how I had to switch teams when it came to friendship.  That I was friends with mostly boys/men from about junior high on but how that changed after marriage and kids.


Ladies, let's be honest here. Sometimes, we aren't that nice to each other. Friendships can be complicated and take a long time to develop.


It's easier with men.


But, after marriage, being friends with men was viewed differently.


Why would I spend a lot of time with a man who was not my husband?


And after kids? Why would I spend what little kid-free time I could get with a man who is not my husband?


Funny looks and rumors start.


And that isn't even counting if said man is married, too. His wife wonders why her husband is spending time with another woman.


It starts to get complicated.  I know I should say I don't care what anyone else thinks...but I do care if it reflects badly back on my family.


I can talk to friends of my husband...in fact, if we are out with other couples and the guys and girls separate, I tend to stick with the guys.


But, my husband is there, too.


If my husband were to call me right now and tell me that he wasn't going to be home for dinner because he was going to go out to dinner with some girl...well, my first thought would be WHAT THE HECK? OH NO, YOU AREN'T!


And if I were to tell him that I wanted to go hang out with some guy I just met, I'd expect him to think that was seriously weird, too.


Because I believe that after you are married, the most important member of the opposite sex should then be your spouse. Any "dates" you are going on should be with them.


Can men and women be friends? Yes, I do think they can be. Especially if you have been friends with them for a long time, like my gay best friend who isn't really gay.


But, there needs to be boundaries. Clear boundaries.


But, I really want to hear what you think about this: Do you think men and women can be friends?


Harry: Would you like to have dinner? ...Just friends.
Sally: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry: When did I say that?
Sally: On the ride to New York.
Harry: No, no, no, I never said that. ...Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can. ...This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted. ...That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

Can Boys and Girls Be Friends?

Several weeks ago, my Bear had a huge turning point at preschool.  Instead of hearing about what he had done wrong in preschool that day, I heard that he had good days.


He was excited to go to school.  And the credit goes not to his teacher, but to his friend Emily.(This is not her name, doesn't sound anything like her name, but was what he thought her name was for a few days, before he figured out what her real name is and is what I'll call her in this post b/c she is not my child.)


Emily and Bear adored each other.  She was very patient or maybe a little bossy, but in a good way, and helped him to stay focused at school and do what he was supposed to be doing.


They were just so cute together.  They were the ones who started the flash mob on their preschool field trip.

Again, not my child, so no pics of her on my blog, but I promise you that her smile is just as big as Bear's.

But, last week, he got in the van after school and said through tears, "I can't be Emily's friend any more."


"Why, honey?"


"I can't, I can't, no more friends with girls," said with a very emphatic head shake.


*SIGH*



But, I let it go.  Because when he gets his mind set on something or starts getting upset, it's really best not to push him.



Until, he stopped wanting to go to school.  He started getting upset about having to go and saying that he didn't have friends.


*sound of mama's heart breaking*


His teacher asked me if I knew what happened between him and Emily.  So, I decided to push a little further and see if I could get an answer from him.


"Meanboy told me that I'm not allowed to be friends with Emily because I'm not allowed to be friends with girls." *I've been around this boy enough to know that Meanboy is a good name for him.


I admit, I had a strong urge to shake Meanboy.  Really, why does this boy-girl split have to happen so young? Are preschoolers watching when Harry Met Sally? And if so, how do you explain that scene in the cafe? That Sally's food is just really good?


I went into the preschool the next day to tell Bear's teacher that Meanboy had told Bear he wasn't allowed to be friends with Emily any more.


His teacher had a sharp intake of breath and then said, "That's not true."


I paused for a second, in shock.  My Bear is far from perfect.  However, he does not lie; making up things like that is not something that he is able to do. 


But, then I realized she was talking to Bear after she told him that Meanboy shouldn't have said that and that Bear is allowed to be friends with Emily.  And she told me that Meanboy tends to tell people a lot of things that aren't true and tries to boss everyone around.


They had a talk and now Bear and Emily are back to being friends and Bear once again is excited to go to school.


And he's back to asking if he can have a sleepover with Emily. We can't win as parents, can we?


In case you are new around here, my Bear suffers from lead poisoning, which has many effects which cause him to have a difficult time in a school setting.

My Best Friend

No, this isn't BFF: Blog Friend Feature. That, you will find here tomorrow.


I'm talking about my best friend.


Do you have one?


Someone who you can tell everything to?


And I do mean everything.


The stupid things that you've done, the times you've really messed up- even the times you really messed up but aren't really even sorry about.


Your secret hopes and fears that you think anyone else would roll their eyes at if you told them.


Who would never tell anyone your secrets.


Someone you can safely have an emotional breakdown in front of, or call sobbing on the telephone and she listens.


Who doesn't judge and usually ends up making you feel better and laugh, no matter what is going on.


Someone who you know will be there anytime you need her and will tell you to shush when you feel bad about having to ask for any kind of help(like watching all three of your kids on short notice when she has two of her own). Because she's your best friend, so of course she will help you out.


A best friend who you could just drop by her house without notice(until you move 600 miles away).


A best friend who gets you.


Who knows when you are being sarcastic or serious without you having to tell her.


Who knows what your insecurities are and will always stick up for you.


Who knows the real you.


A best friend who will always be there, without a doubt.


A best friend who you always will be there for, too, even if you kind of suck like I do sometimes and do stupid stuff like not get her birthday card in the mail in time.


So,  to my very best friend in the whole world: Happy Birthday. I hope you know just how much you mean to me. I miss you and am sorely tempted to toss the boys in the minivan and drive up to spend today with you. I know we're not usually over gushy, but I couldn't help it today. I hope that you have a fabulous birthday! Love you! (insert sarcastic gay comments from my husband here)


I'm turning comments off. Please go wish my best friend Angie @ In My Own Little Corner a happy birthday!

Because You Are Important

Editing this to say that it's not that I'm being beat up emotionally right now, it's more that I have seen some meanness around, and it hurts my heart to see it happen to anyone. So, this is for any of you who feel like you're being attacked right now. I want to try to balance out some of the meanness out there by telling you that you are important. I didn't mean this to be a waaaaaah poor-me post, so please don't take it like that.




I didn't used to get this blogging thing.


Why the heck does someone blog?


I mean, isn't it weird to talk about your life to people you don't know?


But, then, I got it.


Blog friends are real.


They listen. They laugh with you and cry with you.


They rally in support of a fellow blogger's difficult time, like with Mission Monkey.


If you are very lucky, you have friends like this in real life, too. I have Angie at In My Own Little Corner, whom I've known since we were four. She gets me and lets me be me without judging.


But, really, she's been the only one in real life to do so. Including my family. Who is here right now visiting.


But, in blog land? I can't even begin to list the friends I have made here. Who listen and care and forgive me for having a bad day or a busy week. I suck as a blog visitor this week. New around here? That's not like me.


I could make a long list of those of you whom I feel so close to. And some new friends that I already feel such a connection to. But, I worry that it would take me all day to list all of you and that I might accidentally leave someone off the list.  And I would feel bad about that forever.


But, you know who you are. And yes, I'm talking to you.


I know I'm being really emotional and probably slightly crazy right now. Hubs would probably tell me that I'm being gay, because he's all politically correct like that.


Maybe it's PMS. I think I have PMS 3 weeks out of every month.


Or maybe it's just that I've seen some ugliness recently- in the blog world and irl, where people are tearing each other down. And blowing people off, saying they aren't important.


But, you are important.


We will return you to your regularly-scheduled sarcastic and light-hearted Shell tomorrow. This has been a test of the emergency emotional breakdown system.

Switching Teams

From girls to boys and back again.

It started in junior high.

I did NOT fit in in junior high.

Mostly because the whole clique thing eluded me.

I wanted to be friends with whomever I wanted to be friends with and not just be in a clique. And maybe I didn't like everyone in a clique.

In case you have forgotten the rules of junior high girls, that meant that someone was going to hate me.

I'm going to use real names here, because, well, these girls were bitches.

I was good friends with Dana R.(this needs to be clarified, since she wasn't the only Dana), though I didn't really like all the girls in her clique. I was friends with a girl named Amy, whom got absorbed into the clique one night when she was invited to a sleepover that I wasn't.

I wasn't invited because it was at either Karen or Aimee's house- two girls in Dana's clique, that I didn't really like. Not that I hated them, but I wasn't close friends with them. They knew this.

In junior high girl-land, it's not okay to only be friends with some of the girls in the clique.

So, they decided to turn on me, thinking they would somehow have more "power" that way.

Even though Dana and I had been inseparable before that, countless sleepovers and being majorettes together.

That was it, they hated me and no one would tell me why.

Or, they would tell me stupid "reasons."

One day, Karen and Aimee were shoving me down the hall at the opening bell, saying things like I was ugly and I had an ugly haircut. My hair and Dana's used to be identical, until I got mine cut shorter. Apparently, that was an unforgivable crime.

How I wish I could have fought back. But, at the time, I was less than 5 feet tall and maybe 80 pounds. Karen and Aimee were FAT. I would not normally say that about someone, but, in this case, I see no reason to be nice about them. I can call them fat and hope that they have girls of their own now as payback.

That was when I started being friends with boys.

Boys were easier. They didn't care about the petty stuff. Simple conversation- or not even much conversation, just hanging out.

I was a big flirt, but because I never actually "went after" any of the guys I was friends with, I got to continue to hang around them and be everybody's little sister.

I'd usually have ONE female friend and then the guys. All through high school and college.

I had female acquaintances, especially in college where I was an elementary education major, so I had to talk to girls or I'd have no one to partner with for projects.

But, most of my friends were guys.

My roommate in college and I got along fine...until senior year, when we had another roommate in with us.

I don't know what happened, but they turned on me.

They loved to "be helpful" and tell my boyfriend whenever he would call the room(this was the days before cell phones were so common) that I wasn't there, I was out with College Buddy.

Boyfriend was so jealous of College Buddy, even though there wasn't anything going on there. But, my roomies would tell boyfriend this, no matter where I was. In class, at work, at the library, in the shower. They would delight in telling him that I was with College Buddy.

I got a single for the last semester of school.

It was just so much easier to be friends with guys.

That all started to change after marriage and kids, though.

Wives start to look at you funny if you talk to their husbands. And even those husbands themselves don't understand that it's just friendship that you're looking for.

Then, being a stay-at-home mom and wanting friendships: choices become limited to other moms.

College Buddy has been grandfathered in, though. We've been friends for so long that he counts as my gay-boyfriend-who-isn't-gay.

And so, into the world of mom groups I entered.

Weary and scared.

Because, I know what it's like to have girls turn on me.

I eventually found what I thought was my little group of friends and was okay with that. But, even in that group, there were fractures.

That really didn't have anything to do with me, but hurt me anyway.

BFF and I reconnected. We've known each other since we were in preschool together(Hey A- I need to scan in that pic of us at the preschool Christmas program- how cute were we???) and stayed friends. Not always close, but we never had any big blowouts. Just drifted every now and then. But, about a year ago, we found each other again and became inseparable.

Of course, I moved a few months ago and lost that. Not our friendship, since we're still close and always will be, but we don't see each other a couple times a week like we got used to.

The desire to not be alone all the time has led me to join some mom's groups down here. Not a whole lot of luck there, hence the motherbitch stories that I entertain you with.

I'd like to take some of my bloggyfriends and scoop you up and plunk you down into my neighborhood to save me from this agony.

Guys are able to have simple and easy friendships.

Women, not so much.

But, I guess at this stage in my life, I have no choice but to have female friendships if I want to have any friendships at all.

Maybe it's just me? Am I the only one who struggles with friendships?

*I'm willing to bet that there is a very relieved Mommyologist that all I'm talking about is friendships, since we are sharing a room at SITS in Baltimore next month.

What's Really Wrong With Me

Oh, God, did I ever leave myself open with that blog title.

Try to be nice.

I'm referring to the funk that I fell into yesterday.

I need to say just how much I love those of you who commented.

It's so nice to hear encouragement.

But, I think I've figured out what's at the root of my mood.

Other than pms and lack of sleep. (took some pamprin, and went to bed early...champagne may have been involved....)

We moved back to NC a little over 2 months ago. It was an extremely quick move. There really wasn't much time to even think about it, I was just so busy getting us ready to move and then getting us settled.

And, to friends, who asked if I was happy with our move I said an enthusiastic YES.

That I don't miss PA at all and I'm so happy here.

To some extent, that's true.


Our house here is amazing.

It's right on the beach.

The beach relaxes me.

The boys love it, too.

I even sleep with the sliding glass doors open in my bedroom, to be able to hear the ocean.

Here are the boys, playing on our top deck: Yes, this is the deck that Bear likes to pee off of.

Even taken on a day when it's not so sunny, it's still gorgeous.

The pace of life here is much more laidback. And I'm a laidback kind of a girl.

Hubs' job allows him to be home with us a lot more often.

Bear is improving all the time. He's away from the crap that was poisoning him and making him sick(post for another time).

Bear and Monkey go to an awesome school, and at the same time, so that I have some nice breaks with just Cub.



Sounds great, right? Which is why I usually bounce around and say how happy I am with our move.




And I still am.




Yet...




Some of the bad came crashing down on me the other day.




Bear is getting better- but we have to start the whole early intervention evaluations allllllll over down here.



It breaks my heart every. single. time. I have to explain Bear's illness to someone(again, a post for another time). And I have to keep explaining it down here.

With Hubs being home every night for dinner, I've gained ten pounds in 2 months. And we haven't joined a gym yet. Even though you might know that what I really like to do at the gym is this, not exercising is depressing. My pants not fitting is depressing.

I don't have my bff or college buddy down here. The two people whom I could talk to without any filter and know that they would love me anyway. We do still keep in touch, but no more getting to go out, have some drinks, and get time away. Plus, bff's boys were my boys' bffs.

I've realized that a lot of the so-called friends I had in PA...whom I would talk to through email/fb almost everyday, go out with for margaritas about once a month or so, and our kids all used to be each others' playmates, so we used to have playdates all the time- until school got in the way, so it's been a while since the playdates anyway...but, most of them cannot even be bothered to click "like" on a fb status, let alone actually talk to me. And it's not for lack of trying on my part. I didn't realize those were such friendships of convenience.




I'm trying to get out around here, but I've told you how that has gone down here. I know if I keep looking, I'll find people that I connect with, but it's hard to find those people through all the motherbitches.




Though I love where we live and will be happy staying in this area forever, it's a hike to any place that I want to go. So, it's harder for me to say once Hubs is home, "Hey, I'm going to go run to Barnes and Noble or Target." Even if I didn't really need something, I would use those as an excuse to have some quiet time away. Now, it's a 30-45 minute drive to get to those places.





I'm still happy with our move because I know it's what was best for our family. Though here, I'm talking about Hubs, our 3 boys, and me. If I get into how my family members back in PA have reacted to this, that would just be another thing to add to the list of things that suck.



I know that I'll settle in more and find my place again.



But, until then, I really liked this bit of advice from Stone Fox yesterday:
Stone Fox said...
so what you gotta do is get yourself a tiara and a sash. crown yourself Princess Poutypants. get a banner and some buttons made. they should say "I *heart* My Pissy Attitude." pick up some party hats and streamers. have a Pity Party. the only things you are allowed to eat at the Pity Party are cake and cheezy poofs.or you can skip right to the eating cake and cheezy poofs part. the rest seems like an exhaustive amount of work now that i've written it down. let me know if there is going to be cake. i'll wear my Eatin' Pants.

So, you're all invited to my pity party. I'll have tiaras, buttons, cake, cheezy poofs, and wine for you all. Had to throw in the alcohol, you know.

But, I'm the only one who gets to wear the Princess Poutypants sash.

A Shove Down Memory Lane

I didn't think I would be writing today.

Like many of you, I thought I'd take a few days off for Christmas, getting things ready and spending time with family.

But, then, once again, I was shoved down memory lane.

No one called me Emmy this time, although I'm sure she had to make a concerted effort not to.

My old friend Dee(as in D is her first initial- you didn't think I'd actually use a name on here, did you?), sent me a Christmas card the other day.

I just adore her.

But, we have lost touch.

I met her because her husband was best friends with X.

And we became fast friends.

She was supposed to be matron of honor in the wedding-that-didn't-happen.

I tried on the wedding dress that didn't-otherwise-see-the-light-of-day with her.

When I was leaving X, which required a move far away, X, D, D's husband, and I went to lunch together shortly before I left.

D's husband opened the truck door for me afterwards, firmly shut the door to the truck and then he and D attacked X.

"If you let her leave, it will be the stupidest thing you've ever done. And that is saying a lot."

On and on they went.

Even to the point of telling him that they didn't know if they could be friends with him any more if he let me go.

They knew that I loved him with all my being.

But, that I was only leaving because it was too painful to stay. And that was his fault.

They wanted him to fix it.

For quite a while, we stayed in touch.

Because we would have been friends no matter how we met.

They even stopping spending much time with X, disgusted with him.

But, we tried to talk about everything except X.

It became the gigantic, 3 ton, 2-headed, fuchsia with lime green polka dots elephant in the room...who had bad gas...and was sitting on us.

Just way too obvious and painful.

So, we slowly lost touch, only a card here or there.

But, I did miss her.

And now, we're fb friends.

At least enough time as passed that I can look back on that time as bittersweet memories, instead of with any regret.

Because I love Hubs and my boys and wouldn't trade them for anything.

And, this time around, I'm packing an elephant gun.

Best Friends

I kind of hesitate to use that term, since it seems silly to use it as an adult, but it's accurate, so I'm going to not care that I sound childish.

My best friend and I met when we were in preschool. We have a darling pic of the two of us at the Christmas program in our frilly holiday dresses.

We were friends from then through high school. Not always the best of friends. Sometimes we were in different classes and sometimes we were in different circles. We never had any major fights, we just would kind of drift apart sometimes, but always come back together.

When I went away to college, we lost touch.

I'm not really sure why. Just headed in different directions, I guess.

We would think about each other often(I have later found out) and try to get in touch, but it wouldn't work or we would feel stupid about calling someone however many years later.

But, about a year ago, we ran into each other at the peds office.

She has two boys, almost exactly the same ages as my oldest two.

But, we acted all stupid and didn't exchange any sort of contact info.

Then, in February, I broke down and joined in the FB addiction and we found each other on there.

Since then, we have become inseparable.

At least one playdate a week for our kids, somewhere where we can easily keep an eye on them so that we can talk. And talk. And talk.

In the almost 14 years that we did not talk, we have found out that despite not talking to each other, we had very similar experiences.

We got engaged within months of each other.

We decided to cheat on the guys we were engaged to so that we would then be forced to end engagements that we knew weren't right. (I know- how awful! And it's something that is hard to explain unless you were in the situation, but since we both did the same thing, we totally understand each other)...oh, and we both did this rather appalling thing within a month of each other.

Both broke off our engagements in the same week as the other. Her, with relief; me, with a broken heart.

Both got engaged again in the same month.(not to the same guys that we were previously engaged to)

Married within months of each other.

Had our first and second boys within months of each other. Too bad she doesn't have a counterpart to my Cub, though.

Oh, and that won't happen b/c our dhs got snipped within months of each other, too. Ahaha.

Looking back, we think why the heck weren't we talking?

Granted, we lived far apart for the majority of that time, but how comforting it would have been to have someone who really understood what the other was going through.

It seems like such a waste that we weren't there for each other for so long.

And now, of course, I'm moving away.

She's pretty much the only non-family member that I expect to come visit, despite claims from other friends. And the only friend that I will be sure to visit when we are back up here, visiting my family.

This last bit is going to sound a little bit after-school-special-ish and disconnected, but I'm going to say it anyway.
If there is anyone in your life that you were close to, I urge you to find them and see if you can reconnect. I so wish that we had done that sooner.