Pour Your Heart Out: A Glass of Helplessness
If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.
But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.
Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.
Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)
My Bear(4) is my child that I worry the most about. He has some learning issues due to some health concerns. And while the progress he has made in the past year is AMAZING, he is still well behind kids his age. If you want to read more about some of what we have gone through with him, you can click on the "Bear" label at the bottom of this post.
Last year, he had a very limited vocabulary. Most worrying was that you could talk to him and it was like he couldn't hear you. Not a hearing problem- whisper the word "chocolate" across the room from him and he would come running. But, he often wouldn't respond when you would try to talk to him. It was different than a child choosing not to listen to Mom- it was like he COULDN'T, not a choice.
And then it started to get better. Where he would respond and we rejoiced. But, often, his response didn't match up to what you were saying. He knew he was supposed to respond, but didn't know how to respond in what we think of as in a "normal" way, so he would tell you something completely different from what you were expecting.
His vocabulary has really grown in the past year. And he is getting better with appropriate responses.
But, he still isn't where he needs to be. And this causes major frustration for him.
We had him evaluated in the spring and he falls into the range that made me groan in disappointment when I was a teacher: below average but not low enough to qualify for any sort of additional help/therapy.
Though, in gross motor skills, he tests 2-3 years above his age. We are not surprised in the least by this.
His evaluation team was shocked by the results, as they thought that they were going to be working with him. But, they had to go by the test results. One of them said that it's something that's hard to put your finger on, but when you are talking to him, something just seems "off."
He had a PHENOMENAL preschool teacher last year. Honestly, I don't think it's possible to find someone better for him. Unfortunately, we had to move and that school is now over an hour from our house. I so wanted him to have that teacher again. I thought of every scenerio where he could still go to that school- but it just wasn't possible.
So, I researched schools near us and enrolled him in the one that I thought would be best for him. Five days a week, for 3 hours each day, with some days allowing him to stay for an extra hour for Lunch Bunch, which he loves.
Next year, when he starts kindergarten, he will be in full-day kindergarten. So, I figured we needed to get him ready and that the routine would be good for him.
But, his teacher doesn't feel like he's ready. That maybe it is too much for him. She has a bigger class than what he is used to, so he's not getting the one-on-one that he needs. And she doesn't have the time to draw out the appropriate answers from him when she asks him questions. But, again, we're thinking towards kindergarten where he will go to the school where my oldest is- and there are TWENTY-EIGHT kids in his kindergarten class. So yes, the 10 in his preschool this year is more than the 4 in his class last year, but it's nothing compared to what is coming up next year.
Last week, he got so frustrated with the classroom and not being understood(this is the teacher's reasoning behind it), that he actually bit another child.
Bit.
Hard.
This is NOT something that is in his character. He DID used to bite back when he was 2 and couldn't say more than a handful of words. But, it has not been an issue in close to 2 years now.
He's usually the child who will hug or kiss a friend and want to sit in an adult's lap.
I wanted to cry in that conference because I didn't know what to say or do to help. I still don't know.
What we are trying for the time being is to have him go to school only 3 days a week. See if maybe giving him a little bit of a break works. And I am going to really focus on some structured activities with him when he is home those days.
I don't know if this is the right decision at all. I don't know if it would be better to keep him going five days. Or if I should try to magically find the money to pay for additional help for him. Or find him a different school. I just don't know.
But, my heart is aching for him. For my sweet child, who is struggling. For my little boy, who isn't always understood. I feel helpless.
Labels: Bear, parenting decisions, pour your heart out, preschool, school stuff
posted by Shell at
12:02 AM
70 Comments:
It's always so hard when we can't make lives perfect for our little guys! My heart breaks along with you...it's so hard being a mom and having the kid that just doesn't fit the mold sometimes knowing that when they grow up they will be amazing and this is just a stage! Hugs!
I know exactly how this feels. My son also struggled and it was so hard. I cried nearly every night and prayed that my son would talk to me one day.
He's doing much better now although I find I still hope that he'll talk to me. But he's in the "too cool for mom" phase so I get a lot of one word answers.
Shell,
I cried as I read your post. I cried because I felt like I was reading about Jayden. Especially when you said you could whisper chocolate from across the room and he'd coming running, but it's like he doesn't "get" what you're saying.... they hear you, but they don't.
Jayden's birthday is 9/22 and when he was turning 5 we could have enrolled him in Kindergarten. I chose not to. I didn't feel like he was there yet, and I'm grateful I waited. We ended up moving to Oregon and technically if we had lived here his b/day would have been after the cutoff.
It was chilling to me reading how much Bear is like Jayden. For so long I just didn't know what was different about him.
{{{HUGS}}} Shell, I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm always here if you need to talk.
It is so hard to watch our children struggle. I would rather lose a limb that know something is hard for them.
My oldest has some learning issues & a speech delay. There are so many things I wish I could go back & do differently. Mainly b/c I simply did not know enough of how to handle the situation then.
It's truly a shame that there isn't some sort of program for help out there.
hey, shell, my heart is breaking for my 8 year old daughter for different reasons. still it breaks with sadness for the feelings she carries about herself.
and for what people good people think of her today. what they think of my little girl who did some things she shouldn't have. and got humiliated for it.
why wasn't i there?
anyway. i feel ya. parenting is getting hard the older they get. it's emotionally much more difficult to maneuver than caring for toddlers and newborns was.
darn it.
good luck to you and your little bear!
I'm so sorry to hear about your son's struggles; my heart is sad for both you and he. I pray that wisdom in your situation.
This is my first time visiting and linking up. I look forward to getting to know you better.
Hugs
Ramona
http://create-with-joy.blogspot.com
Shell, I'm sorry, that has to be so rough. :( I hope that the change will alleviate some of his anxiety and frustration and help him feel more secure, get his point across more easily. Hugs to you, Mama!
I just wanted to tell you I understand where you are coming from. I am experiencing something similar like that with my son and he is 9. 4th grade is just killing us. Thank you for sharing your experience. Your not alone in this.
I wish I could give you a great big hug. I don't know how you feel in those exact circumstances but I know it must be hard. I will pray for little bear. It has to be just as tough on him as it is on you. Hang in there girl. We just had conferences yesterday...Em is a smart girl but doesn't test well so we are trying to work with her on that and Brad is smart! He just has to slow down and take his time...neatness at 7 is hard!
Aww Shell...
I really wish I could reach through my monitor and give you a hug... This has to be hard for everyone involved... Maybe a different school would be better?? Or have you thought about maybe homeschooling Bear??
Have faith that things will work out! I will keep you and Bear in my thoughts and prayers!
*hugs*
I wish I had some amazing advice. But I dont.
You're a great mom. You're going to make the choices that are best for him. And thats all you can do.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Have you thought about taking him to a development pediatrician?
Oh Shell {{{HUGS}}} my heart breaks a little for your Bear AND his mamma. It's so hard when its our kids, because finding the right fit is a little bit of trial and error and it feels so NOT okay to have an error when you child is struggling... you want to find the magic button-like his last year's teacher- that helps make it better.
You're doing the right thing Mamma... being flexible in trying something different when the first isn't working!
I don't have any experience in your situation so I have no worthwhile advice to offer. But I will add you and Bear to my prayer list.
**long distance hug**
I'm so sorry. This sounds so frustrating. I can relate on some level here, because we have had many struggles with our oldest. It's so frustraing when you know you child needs more of something, but they fall below or above the line drawn by schoolboard. When will they see that not evey child is on the line?! I read through your Bear posts. I didn't know about your struggles. Most of the posts were before I "met" you. He's precious!!! I don't have the answers, but I'm praying God will give you some! {{{HUGS}}}
You're right...as a teacher (and a parent, I'm sure), that is the WORST gray area that can be found after any testing. So frustrating...
I don't know if this will help, but do they have a program in your area that is like a step up from preschool, but a tiny step down from Kindergarten? Around here, I think they call it Kindergarten Readiness, but it's for kids that are too old/advanced to be in preschool, but aren't quite ready for Kindergarten for whatever reason.
The biting sounds like a regression which has got to frustrate the hell out of you. I hope you find some answers through your wonderful readers!
I feel for Bear, and I feel for you! The right answers will come soon, Shell. Your love, understanding, and caring will lead you. In the mean time, hugs to both of you..
I know this has been eating at you since the conference and hate that I don't have the fix all comments.
Prayers that the changes help.
Is retesting before kindergarten an option?? I have learned that sometimes it's all about the timing.
We as parents always doubt the decisions we make when it comes to our kids.
I think you will be able to work wonders with him at home! If you could possibly get one on one time with him that would probably be great too - might help him focus.
You know how to reach me if you want to talk.
xoxo
That is so frustrating. It is so hard when your kid doesn't exactly meet the requirements for assistance. We have some of the same issues with J. He has some ADD issues but they don't want to label him as ADD so after a lot of urging from us they are going to test him again for it. We also dealt with serious behavioral issues with him and parent teacher conferences always made me feel like a failure and I just wanted to cry. Over the years we have worked with J and his behavioral issues are better but they still need help. I wish you luck sweetie. he sounds like an amazing little kid and he is lucky to have you as a mom. Some parents would just give up. *HUGS*
It's so hard to be a parent...always trying to do what's right but not being 100% sure we're doing the right thing. I'm sure that he will show you in time which is right for him. You're a phenomenal mother!
Hey hon.
This is hard, because you don't know how to help him. But you WILL because you're his momma. You will figure it out. He is loved and you're in his corner. I don't have advice, only faith that you will find the answer.
I can't see a linky thing (prob work firewalls) - so here's my PYHO post:
http://mommakiss.blogspot.com/2010/10/mean-kids-bullying.html
I'm so sorry, Shell! That is such an excruciating feeling!
And it seems like kids falling behind is a slowly-unfolding process. Little by little, I realized how Maddie wasn't developing verbally, and it took a while until the difference between where we was and where she *should* be was so pronounced that we could take action.
I hope the 3 days a week is a good thing for your son.
I too wish I had magic words but I don't! I have internet hugs, you want some of those?
HUGS HUGS HUGS
It's hard to see our children struggle and we wish we could wave a magic wand and make it all better. I honestly believe that your son has the best chance of improving because of your teaching experience and knowledge. He may need more time and honestly there is nothing wrong with holding him back another year.
I'm praying to give you the strength, the knowledge and patience to find the right answers for Bear. I had been thinking about him for some time after the post where you were worried about sending him to this preschool. I think a break and 3 days a week will do wonders. I remember having to do the same for Miss K when she was 4 after Little E was born. Her issues were different but the less time at school worked wonders.
Hugs to you.
Not low enough to qualify for additional help has to be the most frustrating thing for both the teacher and a parent.
I think only going to preschool 3 days may help him.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's so hard to watch your child go through the struggles of something and be completely helpless when it comes to being able to help them. **hug**
Awww Shell I'm so sorry you are feeling helpless :( Seeing your child frustrated or upset is so difficult. Especially when there isn't an easy or quick fix for it. *HUGS* We are here when you need to vent about it! :)
I know this has to be frustrating for you...especially because we all want our kids to be "normal" and we tend to compare them to others their age or their siblings. It's hard not to do that. Don't beat yourself up over this. He may need an additional year to get ready for Kindergarten and it will be OK. It may be the year that he needs to really put everything together. It also may be the year that, at the end, his evaluations show more of a learning struggle and less of a gray area. This may be the year that he needs in order to truly get help with his learning issues. It's hard to see them struggle, I know...but on the other side I really think you'll look back and know that you did the right thing.
Oh, that has to be so tough for you all. And, even more of a challenge when you can't get him whatever it is he needs.
Can he be evaluated by another entity (our public schools do a lot of testing at 3) and maybe he would be eligible for some one-on-one time through that?
Don't kick yourself or second guess yourself...you are doing the right thing for him!
I can't even imagine being in your shoes. There are all sorts of fears you have about becoming a parent and this is one of mine. I've had to be on the other side telling parents. Even with the parents who don't care, I never wanted to be the one to tell them.
I wish I had any advice for you. This is something that I worry about for my own children. My brothers have learning disabilities of their own and I've seen them struggle over the years and it just hurts my heart.
I'm so sorry. It has to be so difficult, and so frustrating, and I cannot even imagine how helpless you must feel. Please know that your sweet son, and you (and the rest of your family!!) are in my prayers...
I'm so sorry. It has to be so difficult, and so frustrating, and I cannot even imagine how helpless you must feel. Please know that your sweet son, and you (and the rest of your family!!) are in my prayers...
Thank you for sharing! I have a child who struggles in school. She is a year to year and a half behind and it's been SOOO hard. I feel your pain in not knowing what to do for them. We as moms want to move mountains for our kids and sometimes we can't. Hang in there, I pray you will find the answers you are looking for. Trust your gut is what I've been told most. But sometimes it doesn't feel like enough.
wow 28 in a K class, that seems like alot for any child! there are somewhere around 15-20 in a K class at my son's school and I wonder how they (teachers) do it.
Not sure what they offer at your school but our school has a Kindergarten readiness class, it is a smaller classes (typically 10-15 kids) it's for those who just need a little more help before K. it's all day and they will participate in all school activities with the K classes they just get a little extra one on one time and more time to be ready for K, which they will go into the next year. We had the choice with Wyatt because of his birthday and he being a "young 5" when he started but we sent him on to reg K, but we have a friend whose son is doing the class and they love it and say it has been great for their son who was oldest to start school but very young.
I hate that this is going on for you I know it is hard to not know what to do when it comes to your kids, as moms we just want to be able to fix what is wrong.
I would look into all the options your school will offer and definitely when you register him talk to the K teachers about what if any help they offer children who need a little extra help.
I'm sure we've all been there, done that. I have to deal with that with Mr C nearly every day. Sucks and doesn't make life much better, but the fact that you and I both have sons that are healthy are something that I am very grateful for. Think of it that way.
Oh nothing aches a mothers heart like her childs aches.
It might help only going 3 days a week. Or possibly go back to full time after Christmas?
It's so hard to make decisions when it's about those we love the most.
Im so sorry. This isnt something that I know anything about. I do know how hard it is to make decisions about the right thing to do as far as school goes. Its so tough. We want to do what is best for our kids...and sometimes that isnt always the easiest decision
I guess I would say that as his mom you know him best. Trust your instincts. If you feel the best place to start is cutting him to 3 days, then go with it. You can always adjust things along the way.
That's a tough one for sure. I'm sorry you're going through this... and little Bear too. :(
I wish that I had some magical advice or something that would help but I don't.
Hugs, Shell.
All I can give you is my support and love.
I'm so sorry you're going through this with your son. There's nothing worse than not knowing how to help your child. But, it sounds to me you are being proactive and listening to your gut.
Wishing you the best and hoping that his new schedule will help him.
Oh Shell, my heart is breaking right along with yours. It's so hard to sit there in a parent-teacher conference and hear that your child is struggling and feel completely helpless as to what more you could be doing. And then you can't help but wonder about the future and how this could impact them.
I just sat through conferences with Cole and Bella's teachers and while Cole is doing extremely well (above average in some areas), Bella is struggling. I felt like crying through the conference, unsure of what to do to help her. Her teacher kept saying it's only the beginning of the school year and she will more than likely improve but still...it broke my heart.
Then, of course, you're racked with guilt wondering if you've made good decisions for them. It's then that you realize how vital every little decision is...how much it impacts them.
Geez, I just practically wrote a blog post, didn't I? This post just really touched my heart because while our children have completely different issues, I can relate to the feelings you're having, the doubt, the concern, the worries....I feel the same way.
But you know, our children know that we love them and that we always have their happiness and wellbeing as our top priority. We're doing the best we can and they know that.
I'm so so so sorry. But I know you're a great mom and you're going to find a way to help your son the best way possible.
oh! I am so sorry your little guy and u are going thru this!It is always hardest on Mommy!I know you will make the best decisions concerning Bear!
My olddest son never did well in large schools or big classrooms!
His elementary was really small and then I ended up puting him in a private school.I qualified for some grant money(was a single Mom)
Is it ok if I pray for him?
Hugs Shell
If you think he DOES need someone to work with him more, I hope you are able to get him that help.
It is so hard, the worry, the wondering if you're doing enough, the frustration..I really, really feel for you.
That is a hard situation. I am sure you have looked in to various free programs to prepare kids for school. I know every state is different. Hope you find some resolution! This parenting thing is HARD!
That has to be so hard! I honestly can't imagine.
What is your gut telling you about the school and his teacher? Listen to your gut.
I am so sorry that you are having to struggle with this. I don't know what you should do either - I hope things are able to work out. Good luck.
I dealt with this to a degree with my son. His verbal communication wasn't the greatest. Academically, in Kindergarten he struggled. I had him tested, and he, like your son, fell just shy of being able to receive help.
Thankfully our school has a buddy program so my son was able to get help by going with another kid.
By 2nd grade I asked to keep him back because he was having a hard time. They said no, socially he needed to move on. 3rd grade was fabulous because of the teacher. 4th grade he tanked. Again, I asked to keep him back. Again they pushed the social reason to move him on.
Turns our he has ADD and it has really been hard for him. I wish I wouldn't have sent him to Kindergarten at 5. I should've waited until he was 6. So he would've been the oldest in his grade. Every grade has that. Some kids are older, some kids are younger. The most important part is our kid's success.
I hope you are able to get this figured out. You have an entire year so don't feel like you have to make a decision right now.
~Mimi
Hey Shell,
I'm so sorry to hear about Bear. My son struggled with speech and sensory integration issues for 2.5 years when he was a little guy. I know how frustrating it can be to watch.
I read most of your post but didn't see whether he's currently getting any ST or OT. Is he? I know you're a former teacher himself, does your school district have an early learning environment or special ed preschool that might be able to get him some therapies or behavior work so as to ready him for kinder?
My son got enrolled in the school's developmetnal preschool here and it made a world of difference for him. I hope you can find the right path for Bear soon.
((hugs))
First of all I want to thank you for hosting this blog hop, I am a new follower and found this hop today and it couldn't have come at a better time for me so I joined in.
I used to be a personal nanny and worked tutoring kids of all ages, I am so sorry you are struggling with this and I wish you the best of luck. Your son is so lucky to have such a great Mamma that cares so much!
Clearly he's biting out of frustration and I feel so badly for him. I do so hope that you find the right solution!
Oh Shell, my heart aches for you as if this were me I would be feeling so very helpless too. You are so very right that if your son is to go into mainstream kindergarten next year with 28 children in class then 10 in a class now is not too many at all, it is actually pretty low, most 3 and 4 year old classes are bigger.
I think all you can do is explore options - a different school, maybe a private school, where he will be properly assessed and given the necessary attention and encouragement he needs. He was happy last year, so it is not school that is the problem it is this school and/or this teacher. As a former teacher yourself I am sure you know in your heart whether or not this new school and teacher can be made to work or not.
I'm intimately acquainted with speech/language delay and know it to be frustrating and heart wrenching. I wish you strength and courage as you pursue help for your little Bear.
It is so difficult when our little ones struggle. My heart goes out to your and your little boy. Just keep trying different things and follow whatever your heart tells you.
Praying for your strength and understanding!
This is hard stuff. As parents, we want to heal, correct, fix and control it all. At least I do.
When we can't immediately or magically find the solution, it's hard.
It sounds like you're doing exactly what you should be doing.
Awwww Shell! I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you! I wish I had some fabulous advice for you but just see how the year goes and you will know what the right decision about K is. You have this whole school year to check his progress, etc... Best wishes to you!!
I'm sorry, Shell :(
I can imagine that must be very difficult for you. Have you considered a different type of school? Maybe a Montessori where he can go at his own pace?
It is tough to see a child struggle. You just want to be able to make things alright for them. Best wishes to Bear and you!
I have an award waiting for you at:
http://lauragelnett.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-first-award.html
Oh Shell, I'm so sorry for the pain you are both experiencing. It's amazing how much we feel helpless over with our children, and the frustration when we do. Good luck with the new schedule, I hope it helps things to improve!
There is nothing worse than having a child with some problems that you just can't fix.
You just do what's best for both you and Bear and the rest will work itself out.
sending prayers to you.
OH Shell, these pour your heart out posts make me so sad and I feel helpless too...because there is nothing I can do to make this better for you. I can offer support and friendship, but it's not going to make anything BETTER for you..and that breaks my heart for you and Bear.
I know that as the amazing mom and woman you are that you will get Bear all the help he needs, you'll work with him and even when your reserve is low and you think it's not enough, you will be.
HUGS my friend, all the love and attention you are giving to this and to Bear will help you get to the better days.
I can really relate to what you are saying! I am a speech pathologist (very part-time right now), but when my son was 2, I took him to a speech pathologist. When he was 3, the school questioned if he had autism. He would hardly speak and when he did, you couldn't understand him. Today is his birthday. He is 6 and is fine intellectually. He still has sound errors, but has come such a long way since then. It is frustrating to have a speech and/or language disorder for everyone involved! I will be thinking of your little guy. :)
On another note, thanks so much for following my blog and for your nice comments! I know it was last week, but you stopped by Melinda's "Coming Clean" & read my guest post and then hopped over to my blog where you saw my "Real Women of Genius"-esque post. I look forward to reading more of your stuff!!
OH Bear!!! Sending you both a big hug. It's going to be okay. With you as his mom, he's going to be okay...I know it. Hang in there. He's making great progress, he's a kid, biting can happen...it's going to work out.
28 kids in kindergarten??? Wow.
Here if you need me...
A
Awwww, Shell.
I wish I had answers for you. But I can only offer you a giant GIANT virtual *HUG* and tell you that I'm thinking of you and your little guy. I hope all turns out okay with your Bear. Sometimes there just aren't any right answers, just a lot of trial and error. And you just have to keep reminding yourself that you are an awesome mom and are doing ALL THAT YOU CAN for him.
Let us know what you decide, whether it's cutting back a bit or going the full five days.
Again, because I feel I can't express it enough: *HUGS*
I am so sorry. I hope things are able to work out for him. Good thing he has such an amazing mom.
So sad, for you, Shell. I know what it's like.
I can tell you it will get better. My son is now 13, and had a very similar start: biting, being nonverbal, and frustrated to an easy rage, often.
Hang in there, it does improve..but very slowly. We got better in 5th grade.
Sorry, have to tell it like it happened....but I'm a good listener, if you ever need it. xo
Clearly, you are doing everything you know to ensure your child's needs are being met.
That's so admirable and I really like that you're less concerned with where your child SHOULD be and where he is RIGHT NOW.
I'm sure as a mother you never quite feel like you're doing enough, but I am really impressed with your ability to roll with the punches and never lose hope.
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