Pour Your Heart Out: When Mom Doesn't Have the Answers
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Hey y'all! I have family arriving today. I will be around to read all the PYHO links and to visit all commenters, but you'll have to forgive me if it takes a little longer than usual this week!
When it came time for Pour Your Heart Out, I looked in my drafts and thought yesssssss! I have one already done and I can use that one and be done with it. And there was nothing wrong with that post. In fact, I'm positive that I will post it at some point.
But, after spending yesterday morning in tears and yet having my post have absolutely nothing to do with what had me so upset, I felt like a PYHO fraud.
So, back into drafts that other post went.
And instead, I'll share what had me so upset. What has me so upset.
It's my Bear, headed to school this fall.
Now, wait, before you roll your eyes at yet another "my baby is starting school and I'm so sad" post, this is different.
My oldest started Kindergarten last year. And while I did the typical mom-worry over him about the little things, I also knew he would be fine and practically didn't bring the van to a complete stop as I kicked him out of his seat by the third day of school. Okay, I came to a complete stop. Otherwise, the van door doesn't open. Lucky for him.
But, this is my Bear heading off to school. It's not the same for him.
It's not the typical worries of a kindergarten mom. He has so much more that he has to deal with.
And while I thought we had settled on a school for him, after talking to the director again yesterday morning, I was left feeling completely unsettled. Feeling that this was not the right choice for him at all.
There is a school that I do think would be best for him, but it is not a possibility right now. And yes, we have tried everything.
And I was left feeling worried and scared for my Bear. I don't want him to end up lost in the shuffle. I want him to be somewhere that will embrace his uniqueness and yet help him find his way in the classroom.
I don't know what the solution is. And that leaves me feeling even worse.
Moms are supposed to have the answers, aren't we? We're supposed to know how to make it all better.
And right now, I don't. I don't have a clue how to help my Bear.
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Labels: Bear, pour your heart out
posted by Shell at
7:00 AM
73 Comments:
No we are not supposed to have all the answers.
{{{HUGS}}} Mamma. You WILL find the right place for your Bear. If not this year, then next, or the year after that. It may not happen as fast as you want it to, but it WILL happen and he will thrive.
I wish I had more answers for you, but like I said, we aren't supposed to have all of them.
Shell, you're the doing the best you can with the options you have....you know you love Bear, and that you'll do everything you can to make school a success for him...and really? who knows? maybe he's going to knock the socks off of everyone when he starts...
and I don't know who started that rumor that we're supposed to know everything and be able to fix it all, cause then this mama is failing miserably...
HUGS...being the mama is hard...but you love your boys and that's what's important...
It is not at all about having all the answers. It's about finding the answers along the way.
As for schools. Although I must give them credit for improvements they have made since I was a child, they are no where close to being where they need to be on a whole. For way too long education was all about cutting every child with the same cookie cutter. Now they are learning some kids need their very own cookie cutter, but they haven't figured how to catch up to that.
I had the same worries about my two children. Our oldest was always more self-assured, and our youngest struggled from day one.
My best advice is to be your child's best and most fierce advocate. If you don't get answers, don't like the system, keep fighting and keep asking the hard questions until you do.
I hate when as a mom I feel that there is nothing I can do to make things better for my kids. But you have to trust that things will work out. That there is a reason for each and every turn in life. And remember also that sometimes, experiences that are the hardest can turn out a lot better and a lot different then you expected...
Yet, letting go, moving on, trying to stay positive is SO much easier said than done. Hang in there.
I know that it might seem like there is nothing you can do, but you can make sure that the school is keeping up their end; if not I'm sure you will speak up and fight for your Bear. It's what mothers do and from what I read and see everyday you are a great mother!
You are such a good mom! You went to see the director instead of waiting for school to start. You know what your concerns are and now you can have us help you pray for the right answer.
You rock!
These are the things that keep moms up at night.
You have your sons best interests at heart...your decisions will end up being the right ones in the end.
I agree, there are ways you can re-instate your power. It must be so hard somedays though!
Could you please remove one of my links - I accidentally linked to you instead of my post. It is the first one I did. Thanks!
Does NC have charter schools, and if so, is that an option where you live? I am a proponent of the public school system, but I know that sometimes charter schools can offer just a little bit more to those kids that need more individualized attention.
I'm sorry your feeling so helpless. A solution will be found, and even if it's not the perfect one right this minute, I know you'll eventually find one that will be perfect for Bear.
Of course you are going to worry...that's what moms do best. You are doing the best you can and that's all you can ask for...I know things will be ok!
Shell, it may not be perfect the first time, but eventually, the right school will come along for Bear. Hang on in there!
I'm really sorry you feel so frustrated right now. Feeling unsettled is an awful feeling. I hope you find a good solution soon.
No, parenthood is a learning process and it's okay to not have all the answers. I'm sure you and your husband will figure something out that will be best for Bear. I'm hoping for the best for you =)
What a hard place, Shell. Can you do another meeting to talk it out more? Maybe it really is the right place and once he gets started you'll see good things happen. I hope so!
((hugs))
I know how you have struggled with this - and am sorry to hear you are feeling unsettled with it. Hopefully he will do great and you will be amazed.
(I tried to link up but it wasn't letting me today)
I hope you can find a solution that makes you more comfortable. I'm sorry you feel stuck and frustrated; it's hard enough to worry when you have "control" of the situation but so much worse when you feel like you can't "fix" it.
Hugs to you!
Isn't interesting that we think we are supposed to have all the answers? Girl, I know that feeling and the hoplessness that goes with it when you realize that you are at a loss about how to solve the problem. The good news is that God has this all under control. Now you have got to give Bear, school, the situation over to him and TRUST that he will provide. I stand as a witness to his provision on so many things that I know he will do this for you. God does not have favorites. Praying for you and your family.
It can be so frustrating not to be able to give our children what we feel they need.
You are not letting Bear down. You are doing the best you can with what you are given. You are a strong woman and will fight for what he needs.
Shell,
My heart goes out to you during this time. Being an advocate for your child is so important and you are doing a fantastic job!! Finding the right place where your Bear can flourish will happen. Just take it one step at a time. Perhaps beginning with a modified day in Kindergarten would help. I've suggested this to moms in the past with successful results. By no means is it the total answer but a beginning to what is best for your son at this time. Hang in there...the solutions will come!
This is really hard. I know, my brother (24 years younger, so I'm like a 2nd mama to him) has Aspergers, and I have watched my mother struggle with the best decisions for him about school since he was a little guy. You will do the best you can for him, because you love him so much. But I know it can feel terrifying when you look at the big, long-term picture of what ifs; it always helped my mom to make one school decision at a time and know she could make a change or advocate for him if she needed to. I wish you the best of luck.
That's got to be so frustrating. *hugs* I hope everything gets worked out soon.
I can only add hugs to what the others have said. You are doing the best you can for him, right now. Is home-schooling a possibility in the short term?
But even if the school he will be going to is not perfect for him, you will be there right along with him, watching over him, knowing when things are and are not right, and knowing the right thing to do, every time...
While I don't have an answer for you, I will say that no way do I ever have all the answers for anything! If we did, life would be perfect. I'll say a lil prayer for your kiddo - been prayin' a lot lately. I'll just add you & your family to my list.
You already know what to do for Bear and you're already doing it.
You love him unconditionally.
You advocate for him and for his needs.
And there is no manual I've found that says that moms are supposed to have the answers!
Making it FEEL all better doesn't mean you've actually solved or fixed anything... it just means your kids know they can depend on you to protect them, to love them, to help them, to be there for them.
Shell, you are such a great mama. You are doing what is best for him because you care so much. Because you worry so much. Because you love him so much. Hang in there hon. Chin up and tits out.
Oh, moms DON'T always have the answers. Sometimes we all wonder if what we are doing is the right thing. I'm in a situation where I feel like that now, so I DO understand what you are going through, though. Hang in there. Everything will work out in the end. I'm sending positive thoughts your way!
Awww Shell, we can't possibly have all the answers, yet we expect ourselves to do just that! I always say that when faced with a parenting decision, the odds are so stacked against us. We are lucky if we have only two options when faced with a decision to make because then we have a 50/50 chance. If we have 3 or 4 or 11 choices in that decision, the odds are just not fair.
Bear will be fine because he has YOU as his best advocate. Even if this first school doesn't work out, you have other options and because you are his mom, you will make the necessary changes as you see fit.
BIG HUGS to you!!!
I'm so sorry to hear this, Shell! I don't know what the right answer will be for Bear but I will keep you in my prayers. He is lucky to have you on his side!
Oh gosh my heart aches for you. Your son deserves the best care. I would worry too. I hope the experience is better than it's looking - the teacher plays an important part too. She might be more accommodating.
We're just back from vacation, but I think I saw a tweet about your birthday? Happy Birthday!
You are so on top of it - you will figure it out! It must be hard though being unsure :( - Good luck!!!
Ok first of all per federal law all schools are required to make accommodations for children that need the extra help. Contact your state advocacy board for recommendations on schools in your area. Ask them about grants or whatever to ensure Bear gets exactly what he needs. Most states have a voucher program to allow a child with special needs to attend a private better equipped school if a public one is not the area, that meets his special needs. Go with him , make periodic unannounced visits. OH and HUGS momma it will be okay..
though it may take time, with you as his advocate, Bear will find the right place!
You will be okay too!
Angel gives good advice. My strength has rested in the support of others who are or have gone through the same thing. Mommylebron is a powerful advocate, with much know how, etc. 4 little monkeys with the twins and the little boy with the p16--she knows a lot too. You don't have to have all the answers, just a fighting spirit. I already know you have one of those.
oh my sweet friend, I don't have any words for you. I know you are a fantastic mom and just knowing that Bear has you...I know that he will get what he needs. However, that doesn't make where you are any easier, any less than the icky place it is.
I wish I could fix this for you and for him,but as long as he has you, things wll fall into place. You are a GOOD MAMA BEAR and that will go a long way in his transition to school.
xo
I wish we had all the answers, I wish we could always fix everything. As a mommy I think the most we get is wanting too, because it makes us do whatever we can to try. Keep trying! You will find an answer. You love Bear and that is the best thing you can do right now!
I don't know what to say. I really feel for you. I had similar experiences with my son. This last place he was at I didn't want him going there but I really had no choice. Anyway, it turned out to be the best place for him. When he graduated I didn't want him to leave. Now he is in a new place. I didn't want him to go there in the beg. but after having a meeting with the staff, I feel really good about the place. Things will work out for Bear. Just stay involved and close to the situation. All the best.
I think the hardest thing about schools is really you won't know for sure if you made the right choice until you have made it.
It's one of those jump right in and see how it goes moments. It's not one where you'll know you made the right decision right away.
Good luck.
((HUGS)) Saying a prayer that you find the right fit soon.
HUGS!! I don't know what the answer to this is, but I hope that you guys get it figured out. I know you will make the best choice for him. :)
Girl, with you as his mom and on top of things the way you are...he WILL NOT get lost in the shuffle.
Sorry you're feeling that way. :/ Just remember YOU are in control (even though at times it doesn't feel like it). If this school doesn't work, try another. You can pull him out if it isn't right. There's nothing written in stone that says he has to stay there if it's not working. Heck, maybe you could even homeschool him until you could get him into that school you really like. Best of luck. I will be thinking of Bear and sending prayers for a wonderful school experience. :)
My heart breaks for you and Bear. I hate not feeling like we can make absolutely the best choice for our kids at all times.
I have hope it will work out, because you care enough to support him.
I am so sorry Shell. I remember being in this situation and am in it again, to a certain extent with one of my little ones who is not your typical preschooler.
It is so hard to send our kids off when we don't feel like they will be loved and accepted as we want them to be. But you will find the right solution for him because you are looking and you care and you will not give up. He will be in the right place. It may not start out that way but you will get there and find ways to make it work for him. You are a great mom Shell and make sure you give yourself lots of credit for doing everything you can for your son. And give yourself a bottle of wine too :).
I wish I could give you a hug! That HAS to be tough... I think it will all turn out great, you seem to be on top of things :)
I have faith that things will turn out for the best!
You are doing the best you can for your son. You are his advocate. It will work out because your heart is in the right place.
Sending prayers your way. It's hard to be a mom sometimes. Feeling responsible for making all the right decisons and so hopeless when you don't know what the answer is. I'm confident you'll find the answer when you are supposed to. Until then, hang in there. Hugs.
Oh chica... what a hard situation to be in. I'd be worried sick if I knew my son was going somewhere that wasn't just right for him. It must be so hard facing the challenges that you do with Bear, especially now that he is going to be in school. Do what your heart tells you and what you know is best for your little man. I'll thinking about you. :)
Oh, Shell. I'm sorry. I hate that "unsettled feeling"...but you should always go with your gut. I hope you're feeling more settled soon. XO
One of the toughest parts of parenting is not having the answers. I am so sorry you're struggling and will pray for a solution - one that you are at peace with!
Okay, first things first.... *HUGS* You could use one.
And also? Breathe. You are doing all that you can for your little Bear. That's how you're helping him. All the answers may not come to you overnight. But the fact that you're experiencing so much frustration and sadness means this is a decision you are clearly not taking very lightly.
I hope this answer comes to you soon.
I hope you are able to find the perfect place for Bear soon AND to be able to make it happen. But God will have him in the place he is supposed to be. I hope you are able to let go of the worry soon...you are an awesome mom!
I wish we had all the answers!
So hard, my girl! I have been keeping up with your tweets today, so I know how frustrated you are with the public schools. My advice? You know your bear. FIGHT like a mama bear. FIGHT HARD! The public schools usually oil the loaud squeaky wheel . . . so be loud and be squeaky!
Hugs and prayers!
The smartest Mom and woman will tell you; she never has all the answers! As soon as you learn the answer, they change the questions so you do as every other generation of Mother's has done ... one day and one battle at a time.
As for your concerns with Bear and school: go with what your heart and gut are telling you. Does he have to start his particular school year or can you wait to get into the one you want?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I really hope that something opens up for Bear. It's frustrating and heartbreaking to not be able to help your child.
I'm a new reader, so I did a little searching on your blog before posting. I'm assuming that Bear is the child with lead poisoning.
I know that it is more stressful to leave a child with any sort of special need at school, especially when you are not feeling secure that they will get the attention they need. My daughter had a speech impediment, which isn't the same thing, but still needed special attention.
My advice is to keep a constant bridge of contact open with the teachers, counselors and the school. Seriously...bug the H*ll out of them if you have to. It's your right as a parent.
HUGS!
when moms don't have the answers, we don't give up until we do.
I know that doesn't make the stress or discomfort go away ((HUGS)) but I'm hoping it helps a little.
You are your child's best advocate! You know him the best and I have all the faith in you; you will get him what he needs. I'm feeling the same way right now about 2 of my 4.
It's so hard to feel helpless when it comes to our babies.
I hope everything works out for the best for Bear (and mama!).
Awwww, Shell. I'm sorry you're having the inner turmoil about making choices for your child.
It's not the same thing at all but I have recently felt that something is just "off" with my boys' daycare. I want to look for a new one and I've made some calls but I just don't know if I can put them through another transition (we just moved and switched daycares in May). It's nagging at me though. I don't know the right decision!
I know you know this, but I will say it anyway.
Even more important than the perfect school for Bear is the adults who advocate for him. As long as you keep your voice loud, your thoughts clear and logical, and your demeanor calm you will get Bear what he needs - I have no doubt.
You're an amazing mom and a former teacher, so I know you've done your homework here. If you're like me though, you're probably swimming in options and information. In situations like this, I do my best (though I'm not always good at it), to give it to God. If you're faithful, send up a prayer - which you may have already done. I find that things seem more stressful the more I try to control and decide all on my own. I know this is going to be difficult for you, but I also know that Bear will do great no matter where he ends up ... because he'll come home to you and an amazing family every single day.
It's a bigger issue than that, I know, but hang in there ... and trust that things will play out the way they're meant to. :)
We're moms, we're only human. We don't have all the answers. Just know that somehow, someway, it will all work out. That perfect school will come along for Bear. Just try to hang in there, though I know it's hard.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Worst feeling ever. I understand completely. Please know I'm thinking of you and if you ever want to talk, just drop me a line.
Oh Shell- I just wish I could give you a big hug right now.
I hope things work out for him, I hope it ends up being a wonderful experience that he thrives and does well.
And no, it sucks that we don't always have the answers.
So sorry you're dealing with this. I think you have to listen to what you feel is right...it's just figuring that out that can be such a pain! Prayers for you and you little Bear.
Shell, I feel you.
So many times this year I have struggled with needing wisdom about what to do with my eldest son, who was scaring me.
A different situation, but the same feeling - lost, helpless, overwhelmed.
There was no blinding moment of an answer being magically presented to us but bit by bit we found our way, and that child who had scared the heck out of me has found his way at last.
So I have no answers for you, only empathy, and just a little reassurance that somehow you will muddle your way through to the right answer for you precious child, because you care so much about him, that anything else is not an option.
{PS I don't know if you're the praying type, but I don't think we would have made it without some serious prayer on our behalf from all kinds of people who helped us get our miracle}
I'm so sorry to hear about troubles with getting Bear into the school that you want for him. It's difficult when things don't work the way we want. I don't have any solutions for you but I do offer you my support.
That sucks.
Im sure you have considered it... but what about homeschool?
I know this may not necessarily make you feel better, but he WILL be OK. He will do amazing things.
You might be surprised - maybe you'll walk in the first day and love his teacher and see that she will do everything to embrace him for all that he is!
I think back to everything that made me want to get my teaching certification and it's for every single kid - even those like Bear that might be unique, need more attention, or have incredibly concerned parents like you. Most teachers do have the BEST in their heart for children - children of all kinds - and I'm certain that Bear's teacher will be nothing less than one of THOSE teachers.
He will be loved!
I think sometimes we think we have to have all the answers and we want nothing more than to have all of the answers...but it just doesn't work that way.
I'll be praying for you and Bear--and I have a feeling that because of how wonderful you are at wanting the best for him that the best will find him.
xo
I had family visiting me this week, too; so I've been dreadfully behind visiting blogs.
Still.
I felt I had to say something here.
Because this is the part of motherhood that's so painful; and nothing anyone can say can make it better, really.
You can be told that you're not alone. You can believe that yes, in the grand scheme of things, everything will end up okay. You can know that your love for your child will ultimately conquer any obstacles.
But in the moment when you don't have the answers or control - and what you DO have is a sinking feeling that what you had planned is not going to work anymore?
That is just painful. Plain and simple.
So I offer no advice. Just a piece of my heart coming to you through the blogosphere.
And a hug. You are a wonderful mother. Love to you and Bear.
XO
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