Pour Your Heart Out: When Your Child Is Different
If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.
But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.
Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.
Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)
When your child has problems being able to understand things the way other kids do, it's so heartbreaking.
You want to be able to explain. You want them to "get it."
But, they can't.
My four year-old thinks differently than "normal" kids. There are things he doesn't "get." The world is black and white to him: for instance, in his world, there are no shades of "bad." Bad is bad. A toy stolen away from someone who was playing with it is equally as bad as a hit or a bite.
There is no "worse" to him. So, if he sees the reprimands differ so much, he doesn't understand why. But, he will take it personally. If he and another child were both "bad," to his eyes, they should both get the same punishment. Not one more harsh than another.
It's a bit of an oxymoron, because he can't understand degrees of "bad" or "good," but he will notice if someone isn't as nice to him as they are to another child. And he takes it personally- that it is not his action that someone doesn't like, but him. And he cries. And then I cry.
I do not expect everything that he does wrong to be excused because, "oh, he doesn't understand, let's let him get away with murder."
We do have to work to teach him. But, it has to be in small steps, in ways that he can understand.
Some might say that this approach isn't preparing him for real life. That exceptions will not always be made and he needs to deal with it. To this I say, he's four and that is why there is such a thing as "special needs." Their needs are special, different from other children's needs.
You can't just say deal with it, do what the other kids are doing.
It would be like if I dropped your non-swimming child into the deep end of the pool and said "Swim. The other kids can do it." And then sneered down at your sinking child instead of reaching out to keep them from drowning.
You don't hold the child who can't swim to the same standards you do the child who can. You let them start in the shallow end. You let them use swimmies. You let them hold on to the side. You understand when they go out too far and grab for you in panic. You know that jumping off the diving board into the deep end isn't something that will happen that first day. You accept that it is going to be a process.
Even as you look across the pool and see all the fun that the other kids are having, the ease with which they swim back and forth and play. Even as you wish you could say, "Just swim. The other kids can. They're your age. Just swim!"
You can't.
You have to take each child where they are and work with them to get them to understand.
It's not fair to treat them differently, you still say? Well, it's NOT FAIR that my son has the struggles he has, either.
Labels: Bear, pour your heart out
posted by Shell at
7:00 AM
86 Comments:
I have very similar issues with my oldest. His AS makes it hard for him to understand that things aren't black and white.
It has also held him back in other areas where people tend to judge us as a family. Especially in the responsibility area.
You're right...none of it is fair. I commented on the FB thing the other day, but the teachers/administrators cannot work in a world of black and white either. They need to look at the situation as a whole and create levels of comfort and understanding.
I agree, don't let him get away with murder, but at this age, it's all about creating those coping skills and teaching him different mechanisms to deal with different situations (run on sentence much?). I feel for you...keep in close contact with the people at the school...you're going to have to.
Oh Shell, what a perfect analogy and one every parent SHOULD understand. Your blog, and the way you post about your son's struggles, is reaching so many people. As a teacher with a SPED certification, I can't even tell you how much good you are doing, in addition to being such a blessing to you son. He's lucky to have your for a mom!
I'm double posting to call myself out...I call myself a teacher- look at all those grammatical errors. I swear I proofread... I am so embarrassed!
I identify with this so much and love your comparison to swimming, perfect. It took me a long time to feel confident that I was not giving my daughter the easy way out when I asked others to adjust their expectations for her. Over time I became much more confident in my decisions but when she was young I kept wondering if it was the right thing to do. Now I know it is.
My recent work with special needs kids has enhanced my compassion for the moms that struggle with this every day. The one great thing I've seen is the majority of typically developing children showing compassion toward the special needs kids, too. That is a wonderful thing.
I am sorry you and your son are going through this. It's heartbreaking.
You are right. It's not fair...life is so often not.
So sorry you're going through this. I think one of the worst pains is seeing one of our children struggle. ((Hugs))
As a mom to a bipolar child I spent YEARS begging for the help he needed through the school and such. Now at 18 he has a harder time because his true diagnosis was ignored and overlooked. I can feel the pain in that and it's not fiar Shelle
As a parent I think it's so hard to see our children go through difficult times.
My heart goes out to you. Keep hanging in there.
thanks for this Shell. My daughter has ADHD and I have to constantly remind myself that she needs extra help on some things. SHe needs a little extra patience from me and others. Great post! Keep on doing what you are doing.
Oh my heart is just breaking for you. No it's not fair, and I totally agree that his "special needs" need to be taken one step at a time, that his differences make him special.
I am so sorry that both of you are struggling, that you have to watch him be "different". I am currently reading "House Rules" by J Picoult and while their conditions are different, I find myself thinking about you as I read, knowing that you would do anyting for that beautiful boy of yours. RIGHTLY SO.
hoping that life for him and you gets very FAIR, VERY soon.
love and hugs
My heart goes out to you. Very hard to see your child struggle. E is young for his grade and kindergarten has been a tough adjustment for him. He's getting basic skills help twice a week. You just so desperately want them to kind of fall in with where the other kids are at. All in time.
Teaching in small steps is teaching the right way for your little man. And hopefully with all the small steps you take with him they will become huge leaps and bounds.
((hugs))
You know that I do "understand". You as a mom, and him as a Special Needs child.
It is so very difficult for him in this world. Because unless others have someone close in their lives, they TRULY could NEVER understand our kids..or us.
Eventually though, he will, like B. is having to now, have to be taught that the world will not adapt for him, but he will, as best as he can, adapt to the world around him.
It won't be easy. But it IS achievable.
Just don't let his disabilities get the best of him, or of you. Push him to and even a bit past his limitations from time to time. He (and you) need to REALLY see what he is truly capable of. And I can say at times, he will surprise you, if not himself.
You are so right. And it's really no one's business how you raise your son and handle his needs anyway! *HUGS*
My husband is a teacher. there is a student in his class who is special needs and is in class with other kids (it's a private school, so smaller classes). The parents wrote a letter to the teachers asking them to be considerate of this child when they are teaching because he doesn't "get it" like the other kids do because he has comprehension problems, I suppose? Anyway, my husband has had to adjust to this because he sort of had the attitude of "well he shouldn't be in the class if he can't keep up"...my opinion is, taking a little extra time with this child might help him grow and accept who he is and become more confident regardless of his differences. But even the most caring people in the world can have a touch of "well he should do what other kids are doing"...
You're an awesome mom. I'm sorry you're struggling with this, but your son has a fantastic advantage with you in his corner.
You know I relate to this post. Some people just don't get it and expect the same from all kids. Our little guys are going to do their things on their own time and in their own way. God has big plans for them!
Of COURSE you treat them differently. How can people not see that? All kids, and people, need to be treated differently because they are DIFFERENT.
Why is this new? It's not about generalities, it's about individuals.
Other people suck sometimes.
Shell, your post made me cry. This is such a tender topic for me. I posted about my son's struggles today, and he's 12! People just don't understand your child when they are "different". It's hard. I know. I'm so glad that your little guy has a mom who does understand. Who doesn't expect him to be like all the other kids. In that long run, I think that's all they want. Don't people think they would fit in, if they could? Your guy will get there in his time. I think you know that. {{{HUGS}}} I can TOTALLY relate!
So here's the thing - you ARE preparing him for "real" life by doing what you are doing. His reality is different than anyone else's and so you need to accomodate that. It is a tricky balance, for sure!
Sounds like you are doing the right thing to me. No matter what there are going to be people out there who don't like how you do things and especially when it comes to raising your children. Everyone....well most...want to tell you what your doing wrong. Only you know what's right for your child at every turn in my opinion.
You are a Wonderful mama!
I don't have a special needs child, but just the regular struggles of my children break my heart sometimes. I can't imagine how tough this must be for you.
And the world is never a black and white place and shouldn't be treated as one, especially when it comes to a child.
Hon, I know this was hard to write. And the pool / swimming analogy is simply perfect.
I love your swimming analogy. No kids are the same. Even with our own kids we might have to do things different with one then with their brother/sister. I wish every parent would realize that their way is not what everyone else should do.
Hey! MommaKiss stole my comment :) but the pool analogy IS perfect. You want them to swim with the other kids so badly but accept that they need to hold onto the side or use swimmies.
Being a Mom is hard to every child, but I admire so much that you can see that your guy needs some extra time in the shallow end. Sometimes that's the biggest struggle.
Your son is so lucky to have you, Shell.
xoxo, Mrs M
All children struggle. At least "regular" struggles are understood by all.
Special needs of children are not always understood.
I teach and I am supposed to modify for special needs. I am still blown away sometimes by how far off I was in what I thought a student could be expected to do.
A close friend of mine came to terms over the years that two of her children have special needs. Prior to that she did tend to ask them questions like "Why can't you just be like the other kids?". Those of us close with the family tended to think of them as 'special needs kids' long before she did. It's a tough road for any parent to travel down and a tough situation to face. It's hard enough for a kid to grow up in the first place - heartbreaking at times when the situation is like yours.
You're a good, smart, brave mom. Big hug to you.
This is exactly how I feel about my middle child but I'm not handling it very well. I keep comparing her to the older sister, not out loud, but internally and it frustrates me that she just doesn't get it and that frustration angers me that I am comparing them in the first place.
Being a Mom is so very hard and they grow up so fast. It was much easier just rocking, nursing and snuggling them as little babies!
Wonderful post as always Shell. As a mother with a special needs child is hard and heartbreaking. Especially when you get unwanted advice on how to raise your child. How the world looks at your child.
The swimming analogy was excellent. I forwarded this to a mom I know can so totally relate. And knowing you are not alone is always such a gift to people.
Thank you for your post.
You are such a good mom. He is lucky to have a mom who understands him so well and who will fight for him too. A lot of parents wouldnt you know.
And did you see that I linked up? I almost deleted it. But decided I shouldnt.
I was staring at my son the other day and just wondering what the heck is going on in that head of his. Things would be so much easier if we could see out their eyes once in awhile but since we can't we have to make the decisions we feel are best. We have to fight their struggles when they themselves can not.
It sounds hard but it also sounds like you're doing an amazing job with him. The best you know how.
I'm not linking up...didn't pour my heart out today...but wanted to tell you that this post made me think of a favorite quote I used time and again in my teaching days. Don't know who coined it, but I'd like to shake their hand: "Fair isn't 'everyone gets the same thing.' Fair is 'everyone gets what he or she needs.'" Kudos to you for providing your son with what he needs to navigate the world. xo
Um... 4 is teeny tiny! Seriously - that's far from a sink or swim age!
Not one else is going to fight for your child but you. That is advice that was given to me and I stand behind it. You are doing right by your son and his blessed to have you as his mom. Stay strong, my friend.
Maybe your little Bear is teaching us all something. Sometimes the things of the world should be black and white, that gray area is a pain. love your little boy. :)
You are a wonderful mom for understanding your child's needs and not caring what other people think.
I love your swimming analogy...it is SO true. He's four and he needs gentle guidance which you are clearly providing for him.
Your son is lucky to have you in his corner :)
I loved the swimming analogy! You are doing what is best for your child and I think you are amazing for standing by him. All children are different and need to be met where they are. Of course it's not fair, who said life was ever fair. Keep teaching him through all of the challenges, it's what you offer him.
Thanks for sharing your heart!
One of my brothers- now a senior in high school- has a learning disability (an auditory processing disability). His life and school and home experience has taught him to use it as an excuse. What I want for him is to learn how to compensate for it instead. That has to be taught and so far, it hasn't been that way for him. And teach someone to comensate for something that is lacking takes commitment and it totally means doing things differently.
Oh, Shell, how I wish I didn't understand what you were saying. How I wish that special needs children didn't exist. How I wish things weren't so black & white and literal for our children.
You are an amazing mama, and I know that he will come out on top because of that.
What an amazing perfect analogy. And oh this just made me want to come give you a big big hug. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing.
He cries, you cry and now I wanna cry! I wish every person in charge of little people would learn that you HAVE to work with a child where they are. One size doesn't fit all.
You GO, Momma Bear! Seems that those who would tell you to make your son learn that life isn't fair (at FOUR) should not be telling you that holding different expectations of him is not fair! Life isn't fair ... and we are all different with special needs of our own! What a boring world it would be if we were not!
awwwww Shell. Is this thw post that had you in tears? Very emotionally charged, and I loved it.
Shell you are such a great mom. I agree, every child is differently...even btw my two boys what works for one doesn't for the other and its not fair to compare them. You are doing the right thing....so sorry you have to deal with this :(
Your comparison of teaching your child to be 'normal' and teaching a child to swim is spot on! Nicely done! And you are right, it isn't fair!
People just don't understand sometimes. And, they can be so judgmental and cruel.
I think it's important to explain that to mothers that you interact with regularly. I would judge if I didn't know the background. But the minute I understand that this particular issue was a special needs issue, I would do my best to interact with that child the way he needs.
Sometimes we moms need to understand others' parenting in order to not judge, but we can't do that unless they explain. (Obviously referring to my own personal examples here). ;-)
Her children arise and call her blessed... Ephesians 31:28
Good luck to you and your child and God Bless you both.
What I've found is the people who say inappropriate things to parents of kids who are different in some way are ones who have "easy" kids. parents of "easy" kids don't realize that they didn't achieve an A+ in parenting and "made" their kids that way, and what works for their easy kids is not the same for other parents who have kids who aren't a piece of cake to parent.
I absolutely love this analogy:
"It would be like if I dropped your non-swimming child into the deep end of the pool and said "Swim. The other kids can do it." And then sneered down at your sinking child instead of reaching out to keep them from drowning."
My little guy is still considered non-verbal and has as many receptive language deficits as verbal ones and some people don' understand that...
Oh Shell, it it so not fair. I get where you're coming from. I wish more people would just GET IT.
Even though Landon will be 4 in a couple months, he sounds like a 2-year old when he talks. His pronunciation is just way off and he's in speech therapy. We were at the park a couple weeks ago and some older kids were making fun of him, calling him a baby because he couldn't speak clearly. And the mothers just sat there on the park bench, as if they were doing nothing wrong. When I asked them to talk to their kids, they said they would but I could tell they thought I was being overly dramatic. And we wonder why the world if full of bullies?
Anyway, so glad you wrote this post. Hopefully it will help others understand and be more accepting.
You know, I was thinking about this and the way it was approached (because you know my thoughts on some teachers right now..) What I think really bugs me is that levels of degree is not an issue unique to a child with special needs- it's relatively common at this age in general. So again, in questioning the logic of such an approach to this age group alone makes me wonder what the actual agenda is in the situation- because this? Is just plain crap. It should be handled with extra care, not extra insensitively.
Let me at 'em :)
You do not sound at ALL like a mother who isn't preparing your child for the real world.
You are preparing him in a way that will actually be meaningful and effective.
I taught public school for 16 years and we had accommodations in place for students who needed adjustments of all kinds: study habits, curriculum, behavior, seating.
And the ones who did best? Had loving, patient parents who knew their needs and had taught them to advocate for themselves.
You are doing the right thing. And doing it well. With love.
So well put and heartfelt.
I love to teach kids like your son. I'd much rather focus on teaching social skills and cues sometimes than on curriculum. So many kids like your son need the help.
You make such a great point. I think we sometimes as adults judge harshly...especially towards others and their kiddos. Each little one is unique in their strengths and weaknesses. Your little one sounds like he's got a pretty sweet little heart!!
I don't know what this feeling is like yet, coming from the perspective of a mother. But I can tell you, that as a kid who knew all too well that she couldn't do all the things the other kids could, my parents' support was so important to me.
*hugs* to you, Shell. I think you are an amazing woman and mom.
It sure is not fair.
My youngest son has some of the same struggles. I am so torn between helping him and wanting him to do as much as he can on his own. In the present it's easy to just help him but I worry so much about his future, and even what happens now when we're not there to help him. I also worry about him working to his fullest potential instead of using his issues as an excuse. It's SO damned hard!!
It isn't fair. But you know what I am learning as I go along in life. Screw 'em Shell. Don't think about what they are saying, ignore their glances, and write them off. Because they mean nothing in the world of your family.
That hurts my heart for your little boy. Of course you can't just try to make him be like everyone else. He's your unique and special child.
He will end up where everyone else is headed, but his path will just be different. As long as he has you in his corner, he'll be ok. :)
My new job has me working one on one with those very special kiddos that will touch your heart no matter what. I've only been on the job for a few days but they are close to my heart now :)
This is a beautiful post.
You are clearly an amazing mom who puts her kids' needs first, and understands that they are all different. It can be hard, but focusing on those baby steps and small achievements along the way will have a huge impact on your child.
I agree. I often get in disagreements with a close friend of mine...she has 6 kids and believes in treating them all the same.
I don't...each child is different. One more sensitive than the other, one struggles more than the other, one who is more attached to me than the other.
THey are all different.
I agree with your style.
And you know what Shell, if you don't advocate for your child, then who will? Keep doing what you're doing. You know best!
I work training over 400 early childhood teachers and one thing we always preach is "fair is not the same." Each child is unique with unique needs and as adults it is up to us to recognize this and adjust ourselves accordingly. I am always amazed how quickly children recognize this, letting a child "cut" in line beause he has a hard time waiting or giving a child a special colored item because they know the child would have a hard time functioning with out. Children recognize this so easily.
Teachers always are so worried that it will not be "fair" for the other children (the other children will be upset if Susie gets to color at the table while the rest of us are at Circle) when in fact children understand the everyone has differences and don't care.
As Sandra said keep advocating for your children!!
Each child is different! You are so right about guiding him where you want him to go and not assuming he will just get it.
I really like the Swimming Analogy and will be using it as frequently as I use MotherBitches ;)
I agree with every word. I think my special needs son has turned out better than my other kids because of the way I raised him. He is kind, compassionate, helpful and always respectful. The other kids are too, just maybe not as much. He is such a joy to have around, maybe more so because of all the bumps in the road to get to where we are now.
This Ozark Farm Chick is retired Special Ed. and so understand what a child goes through when they are 'different'. As are we all. My students used to say, "Mrs. Nezzy..you are crazy." I'd just smile and calmly tell 'em...I'm not crazy...I'm just like you...unique.
What a borin' world it would be if God made us all outta the same mold.
God bless ya'll from the icy hills and hollers of the Missouri Ponderosa!!!
That swiiming analogy is perfect! You're so amazing at making these things clearer. I totally plan on sharing you analogy with The Man the next time he freaks out on The Girl for not getting it because she is 10. Love you!
Amen! Before I had kids I didn't get just regular parenting stuff but forget meeting the needs of our special kids. And some people sadly will never get it. And for those of us who are dealing with these sorts of things, we can support one another and lift each other up. (((hugs))) And I loved the swimming analogy.
Love the comparison with swimming. Perfect.
I've also heard we should home school Sawyer because of his peanut allergy - why should we make other kids "suffer" by not being allowed to eat peanut butter at school?
People need to be more empathetic, you know?
This was a great post- some parts hurt to read though.
Poor little darlings :(
Loved the way you put this into words!
(insert super wordy, inspirational comment that supports you and your baby!)
Hugs momma!
I'm going to be pure and honest. If you threw my kid into the deep end and she didn't know how to swim and she sank, I'd seriously physically harm you. So, I understand how you feel even though I don't have a child going through what your child is going through. God bless, you are an awesome mother! Keep fighting for your kid! He will be fine, bc he has you for a mother....
I understand. My son has Aspergers and I hate how he struggles with some things. Breaks my heart.
I just come from a parent teacher conference. This is what his teacher and I both learned. He struggles with learning- alot, he tries- hard, he cares- too much, and because I work with him so much he is just above qualifying for any assistnace. It's not fair. I want to fix it for him and I can't. It is hard for him and me.
You son has one thing really going for him: a compassionate, great, understanding patient mom!
Being a mom with children, yes, that's plural, that don't fit into the "normal" category, my heart hurts every single time I hear another mom share her pain in standing up for and trying to protect her baby from OTHER MOMS!
When did it become o.k. for others to judge children? Mom or not, when the hell did it become o.k. for ANYONE to judge a child struggling to just be kid?
And....another thing. I swear I know more moms with children affected by some degree of autism, ADHD, ODD, varying degrees of delayed development, and the list goes on and on, than I do moms with "normal" kids. The number of children struggling in this country with special needs is staggering and it's high time EVERYONE who works with children stops turning a blind eye to it.
I guess this post just struck a chord with me Shell. I don't understand people, women, moms with no understanding, compassion, empathy or ability to nurture children in need. Argh!
LOVE YOU!
My Masters thesis addressed incentives/reward activities for kids in school. The bar should be high for for everyone, but to expect all students to reach the same height is wrong. Shouldn't a child who works his hardest and makes progress be rewarded, too? My heart goes out to your son and to you. Thanks for linking this up.
Awwww, Shell. Each time I read a post pertaining to one of your children I think to myself "I really want to remember this when I have children of my own." You have such a beautiful way about you that really comes through in your writing. I love that you treat all your children with respect and that you believe in PATIENTLY guiding them along in this journey. The swimming analogy is absolutely perfect.
I agree, it's not fair. It really isn't. You are beyond amazing with your kids, I have learned that over reading you for so long. I there was anyone who is up for this 'challenge' it's you!
Hugs.
Poor guy! But your right, he is ONLY 4yrs old. He will learn over time that the world isn't just black and white. Sad to say, he will get his fair share of learning. All of our kids have to learn life lessons, that is how they learn, good or bad.
Poor guy!
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