Pour Your Heart Out: Not a Fair Mom

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Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

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I know that all I can do as a mom is to make what I think is the best decisions when it comes to each of my children.

Those decisions might look different for each of them. And they might change from year to year... or even day to day.

My boys are all so very different. Even if they tend to look so much alike that they sometimes confuse people.

So, the choices that I make(we make, Hubs included) are with each specific child in mind. We try to do what is right for each.

That doesn't always mean that things are "fair."

Not if your definition of fair means exactly the same.  Someone once commented on a post that I wrote something like "Fair does not mean the same. It means giving each child what they need."

I can't remember who wrote it or even what post it was on- but a huge thank you to whoever said this as your words have stuck with me.

We have made very different decisions for our oldest two. Our oldest headed off to kindergarten last year.  He started the year already meeting all of the objectives that students need to meet by the end of the year.  He was confident and ready to go. We didn't even consider not sending him to the local public school.

It's a good public school. Possibly the best of the 20 in our district. And he did really well there. He can't wait to see who of his friends would be in his first grade class. He loves his school and he wouldn't want to switch.

But our Bear is 5 and we agonized over school for him.  Where should he go? Which school is right? Which program is right?

One thing I knew and these words actually came out of my mouth was that I would send him to public school over my dead body.

This was not about me having anything against public schools. In fact, I once thought before I had kids that I'd never choose a private school over a public school.

This was about knowing that it was not the right decision for our Bear. Once we thought we had a school that might be a good fit for him, I met with the Principal to discuss specific concerns. She helped decide which program to enroll him in and which teacher would be the best fit for him. I also met with that teacher before school started.

We're almost a week into Kindergarten and while I can't say anything for sure at this point, I can say that the choice feels right. That he loves going to school. "Thank you for taking me to Kindergarten, Mom!" he says. And that his teacher saying goodbye to him yesterday by saying "Okay, Handsome! I love you!" made me feel really good about this choice. He needs that warm and fuzzy.

So, he's happy and our First Grader is excited about starting his school tomorrow. Neither asked a thing about why they weren't in the same school. After all, they weren't in the same school last year either.

But, is our choice "fair?"

At orientation night for the private school, I ran into the mom of one of my first grader's friends.  Her son had been in kindergarten with my oldest but she was switching him to the private school for this year. We chatted but then she noticed that I only had one of my boys with me and it was not the one she expected.

I told her that oh no, only my kindergartener would be coming here and my oldest was staying at the public school.

Eyes that went WAY wide and then narrowed, a head tilt, a grimace, lips that parted as if about to speak and then a mouth that slammed shut: that was her reaction. I knew she wanted to ask why. But, I just smiled and excused myself as the line I was in moved forward.

Then, yesterday afternoon, we were at First Grade Open House. Oldest was introducing his brothers to his TA(who was his TA last year and very well knows who they are) and he pointed and said "He's in Kindergarten. But NOT here with me!" Cue same reaction as above.

Then his teacher was asking about my other boys, what grades, etc. When I said Kindergarten, she asked who his teacher is. I had to say oh no, he goes to insert name of private school here. 

Met with the very same reaction.

I know it's a choice that not everyone will understand. I know that it could be seen as not being fair.

But, I don't owe an explanation to others about the choices that I make in the best interest of each of my children.

And as for fair, I'm going to focus on that meaning that each child is getting what he needs.



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Fairness: I didn't learn it from my mom

I always struggle with what is fair between my kids.

They are close in age and are starting to notice these things.

When one gets something or gets to do something, I have to figure out how to balance it with the others.

But, here's an example of how NOT to do this.

Brought to you by my boys' grandparents, who spoil Monkey rotten, only occasionally notice Cub every once in a while and then only to say how cute he is, and completely ignore Bear.

They showed up at our house on Thursday with presents for the boys.
For Monkey: 3 games, 2 puzzles, 5 books, and a set of legos.
For Bear: play tools that were attached to this little truck thing that sang.
For Cub: a ball

Now, I was impressed that they actually mentioned that they noticed how much Bear liked tools, so that's why they bought that for him...

But, Monkey starts yelling that he wants Bear's truck. And Grammy tells him that he can have it.

Bear starts to cry, as Grammy takes the truck out of his hands and hands it Monkey.

Grammy tells Bear that he has to share...though when he reaches for Monkey's legos: she tells him no, that those are for Monkey.

This morning, Monkey manages to smash Bear's tool truck to the point where there is no way to fix it and it had to go in the trash can.

Then, we all went shopping so that they could pick out a birthday present for Monkey.

I do not expect something for the other boys.

However!

Monkey picks out this gigantic superheros castle thing.

Something that both boys can easily play with together.

And they share for a while.

And then Monkey decides he's done and tells Grammy that she has to put it away.

She listens and Bear SOBS as if his little heart was breaking.

I go to get it and Grammy tells me NO, that Monkey wanted his toy put away.

I whirled around and told her, "You told Bear that he had to share the ONE toy that you brought for him and then Monkey broke it. Why does Bear have to share and Monkey doesn't? I don't think so. Here you go, Bear, you can play with it."

Now, you might say that I'm not being fair, that it really is for Monkey's birthday and he should have the right to decide to put it away.

But, Bear isn't hurting it.

And they have to share pretty much everything.

And do a good job at it, usually.

It's only an issue when Grammy is here and favoring Monkey.

And how fair is it that Monkey broke Bear's toy and now Bear doesn't have something new to play with? (Btw, he did not accidentally break it- he acts like a BRAT when his grandparents are around and he maliciously broke it on purpose- because he knows the grandparents will think he's cute and funny for doing this)

It's hard enough for me to work out what is fair, as far as my kids are concerned, but to have the added stress of the way that the grands act like only one of my kids matters...

Is it any wonder that I am now on wine bottle #2 since they arrived 2 days ago?