Pour Your Heart Out: Feeling Out of Place
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But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.
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Do you ever feel completely out of place?
On Saturday, my mil watched our three boys from the afternoon until the following morning. So, Hubs and I had a big chunk of kid-free time.
We did some window-shopping and then went to a high school play-off soccer game. Felt like back when we were dating!
And then, we went to party at the house of a friend of his.
Here is where I felt like a big out-of-place old loser.
I was the only female over 30. Probably the only one over 25, but I'm trying to make myself feel better.
The only mom.
The only female not in skinny jeans or jeggings, paired with a stylish top and boots.
No drinking for me
And so, I also was not joining in with the beer pong tournaments or the dancing. Or the conversations that were full of slurred nonsensical words and screaming to be heard over the music.
I kept thinking that we could never get away with a party like this at our house, with people hanging out in the garage and driveway, with music blasting. We're in a quiet family neighborhood. People would complain about the noise.
So, I felt out of place. After all, everyone else around me was having fun, and what was I doing? I probably stuck out like a giant loser.
But, I quickly shook that off. Not a loser, just different.
I might not be dressed like the other girls- but none of them had spent the afternoon at the Bounce House with their kids. Plus, it was cold and I wasn't trying to impress anyone.
I wasn't loud and flirty. Like I would have been in my early twenties. But, I'm married. I know who I'm going home with.
Even though I was probably viewed as boring, I didn't have to let that get to me.
It just wasn't my scene. When I was younger, I probably would have let this all get to me, to feel some sort of "peer pressure" to fit in. But, at this stage in my life, that does affect me any more.
I CAN have fun. I've been known to drink, dance, play games, talk too loud, and laugh a lot, too. When I want.
It made me miss MY friends. Where I might sometimes even been viewed as the loud one, the one suggesting what we do next, the one doing some sort of crazy dance even though she can't dance, the one talking silly nonsense, the one with the never-empty glass.
But, that night wasn't the right night for me. After all, someone had to get up in the morning and go pick up our kids.
Maybe the next time we are around that group of people, I will fit in more. Or maybe I'll still feel out of place. But, I'm okay with that, as long as in whatever I do, I make my own choices.
At this point in my life, the thought of peer pressure or trying to conform feels more than just a little bit silly.
Being in this situation, it was easy to see and roll my eyes at trying to fit in just for the sake of not feeling out of place. But, then I realized that it needs to extend to other areas of my life. Like whether or not I fit in with the other moms at my son's preschool. And suddenly, it's not as clear-cut.
Do you ever feel pressure to do something or act a certain way to fit in?
Labels: pour your heart out
posted by Shell at
12:02 AM
70 Comments:
I have been there too. It is hard to be out of place but at least you know what is important
Oh, how I hate peer pressure! It's good to know that you know what's important though. xoxo! (:
You know, at some point we come into a new stage of life. We can still have fun, still be loud, still hang out with our friends, but something changes. I'm sure if I were a psychologist I'd have a great term for it, but it's so great that you are comfortable where you're at. What a wonderful feeling knowing you knew who you were going home with! It was probably just a reminder of what's real "fun" for you now!
~Mimi
I'd have totally felt out of place there as well at this stage in my life. There was a time I'd have fit in and was doing that sort of thing all the time though.
Now, I'd rather have friends over for obnoxious rounds of board games in the living room while the kids play and eventually crash in the bedrooms... or something like that :)
I have always felt out of place. It sucks being the shy, quiet, backward person.
My hubs hangs with guys that are a lil younger than he is. Makes me think that he is trying to hold onto his youth. There will come a time when he will just have to let it go and live with the person he is now...
Heck, I feel out of place some mornings at school drop off when I see all the moms with makeup on and their hair done and wearing cute outfits.
But I get over it.
I have a toddler. That excuses everything.
I feel out of place everywhere, especially around couples since I'm the only single mom in my social gathering.
I'm glad you put things in perspective and know what's important!
ALL.THE.TIME and it makes me crazy that still, in my 30's, other people, or how I *think* other people are feeling can make me feel inadequate. The difference now is that I don't succumb to the peer pressure anymore... I try to stay true to myself.
And I'll bet that there was at least one chick there wishing she had the guts to pull off calm and casual like you did... wishing she didn't have to play up to the crowd and that she had a great guy like yours to go home with!
Funny how things work out that way...
That sounds like a bummer, but don't blame the jeggings!
I remember that feeling from when I first had kids and I was the only one in my group with spit up on my blouse.
Nowadays I guess I don't go where I don't fit in. I wonder if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
I've never been one to conform to peer pressure very well. I always flub it up.
I feel completely out of place in this neighborhood. That will escalate at our neighborhood party on Dec. 5.
I've been in those situations and the only part that bums me out is not looking my best all the time. Okay, ever. :)
I still struggle with fitting in with the mommy world, though. I've made some bad choices with friendships and still trying to find my way. I'm not sure I ever will, and may not ever find people I can trust. My reassurance is that I have my family!
That does not sound like my kind of party anymore. I'd be the one in the corner texting snarky things to my girlfriends about the drunk anorexics in their skinny jeans who are about to make huge mistakes.
Actually, I'd probably convince Husband to leave.
Pressure to fit in...let's see...nah. I've pretty much given up on that since turning 35. I guess now that I'm in my "late 30s," I can let that stuff go and just enjoy who I am. I may not have the most friends or go to lots of parties, but I am happy...I am content. Not everyone can say the same...especially those girls in their skinny jeans b/c after they take them off, they lose feeling in their va-jay-jay! Who can be happy after that??? LOL
In milspouse-land, most of my friends do not have children, because most of my friends are my age (20 & 21). They have these kinds of parties. I feel left out, too. But I think it's doubly hard for me because I still am the same age as them and by all means -should- be doing those same things. But life gave me motherhood. And I can't do those things. Somedays, I roll my eyes. Somedays, I cringe. Somedays, I'm jealous. It's hard to find the balance and find your place when you're the only one who's married with children, and all your girlfriends want to go clubbing while your husbands are away, and the only thing you want to do is stay home with the kid. :/
I totally hear you! I don't even bother going anywhere anymore because I don't feel like I have much in common with people. That's why I stick with the berry and you Bishes...
That has never been my scene, single or married. I just don't have fun at large, alcoholic, noisy gatherings!! I do feel the push to conform or fit in, but I've come to a place where I can be comfortable with who I am. Although I imagine my feelings might change once I take on a new role in life (ie: mommyhood, retiree, etc)
Great post!
First I feel the need to point out that "jeggings" is the worst. word. ever. It even beats out "slacks" and "moist" for words I hate to say. Blecch.
Secondly, I feel out of place a lot. I've always struggled with my weight, so when I'm a big group of people I always check to see if I'm the biggest girl in the room. I hate doing that. I know no one else is sizing me up that way. The worst was when I went to China for a mission trip. I felt like the biggest girl in the country. Boo.
No, I don't do anything to try and fit in.
I hate feeling out of place though. I would have been miserable at that party, based on what you described. Even if I were drinking, that still isn't my kind of scene.
I hate feeling like that and that's why I avoid places like that like the plague and am often labeled unsocial.
Oh well, I have wine to keep my company. ;)
I think as you get older you feel less bothered about not fitting in with a certain crowd and far less inclined to try to be what you are not. But it is still awkward. I think for me the feeling out of place in recent years has often been around other new Moms. Being so very old as I am and having spent all my life up until now living very differently :-)
There are so many situations where I feel out of place. Pretty much the entire time we are in Mississippi visiting with hubby's family and friends - I am a fish out of water. Its rough on me and him but we both know I will never really fit in there. That's okay though.
I also tend to stick out when hubby goes to do tattoos at someone's house. I'm the girl in the corner reading a book. I can't talk for 15 hours straight. I'm not going to drink because I'm going to drive. I always try my best to be friendly and kind though and hope that that is enough!
"Fitting In" is entirely over rated.
I try to hard sometimes...and it just leaves me exhausted and wanting to do my own thing...which is way more rewarding anyways.
Sounds like you fit right where you should.
We moved into a new community and at first I think it bothered me some and I tried then suddenly I went I'm 30 some damn years old and this is not high school. People will like me or they won't. Those that don't it's their loss.
I'm much happier now.
I think you just summed up how i feel at everyone of my hubbys friends parties.. I never drink more then one glass of wine.. I never been a drinker so i am always the designated driver... We have a party coming up for his friends on the 28th and i soooo don't want to go because I always feel different..
It's funny how the cool party scene is no longer cool.
I started a post very similar to this last night, but never finished. I guess that goes to show that even as adults, we still can feel out of place at times.
Seriously? Beer pong??? Wow...
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
www.mawhats4dinner.com
I'm willing to bet that many of those young girls looked at you and thought, "I can't wait for the day when I don't have to do "this". Don't have to impress. Know who I'm going home with. Look so confident". Because, really, you (and all of us moms) ARE in a better place.
Go throw yourself a cocktail party with YOUR friends... you'll remember how much better it is now! :)
I understand feeling this way as well. There comes a point where you assume other responsibilities so enjoying the things you once did takes on a whole different meaning. My interests/tastes have changed over the years and sometimes I have a hard time relating to my girlfriends who still want to go clubbing/dancing every weekend. I enjoy it every now and then, but I can't do it the way I once did and I'm totally okay with that.
You just have to be happy with where you are in life. And remember that you're always going to be your own worst critic, so I'm sure that no one at that party looked at you as a sore thumb, Shell. You are way too cool for that! Hope you're having a great week!!
Old people party too....you just have to wait until your kids are older and don't need constant supervision. (Feels like forever.) We went to an oyster roast this weekend. It was attended by lots of people in their 30's and 40's. (I was the only 29 y/o. What?!?! Shut it.) When you get to that age, it's okay to drink or not drink. No one pays attention. And it was chilly, so I wore my skinny jeans and boots. (Not to be cute necessarily...but to be warm!) Of course there was one mom who showed up in a sweat shirt and sweat pants (old school ones at that).....just don't ever be THAT mom!! Pinky promise?
I'm in a similar circumstance. Though I don't feel a social pressure to be a certain way as you did - I'm the 'new girl'. Though the people I'm meeting in our community and church are very welcoming and friendly, I have yet to make any 'soul sister' connnections.
I have not found 'my people' yet, you know?
It's difficult to break past surface barriers and really feel a part of a sigificant friendship.
I'm a very outgoing person and have no problem engaging in conversation and getting to know people and even suggesting getting together. However, after a while it's nice if someone else reciprocates or even initiates you know?
I sure hope we're able to stay in our new town long term. I'm growing tired of this 'new girl' routine.
I know what you mean but when in those situations I don't usually feel any pressure to fit in. I'm just going to be me.
I have most certainly felt out of place, and to be honest, during one of the most memorable times I was in the exact same situation you described here. Its a horrible feeling until you can come out of it and appreciate even more the times you feel right at home.
So funny you say you couldn't get away with a party like that at your home, our area is full of families but it is funny, all the kids play outside on all the families lawns and the parents sit in chairs and drink (of course we are all asleep by 9 pm) but we have some crazy "happy hours".
I hate the feeling of trying to fit in, I was invited somewhere with a mom of a preschool pal of my son's and I am almost happy that I can't go because I feel like I don't fit in with some of the mom's and that is SO not me, I typically never care what others think!
I feel like that all the time! Esp. since most of my friends dont have children so im the outsider and the boring one when im yawning at midnight LOL
I've been there except so often I'm the youngest one and the only one that's a stay at home mom. Suddenly I feel like I'm a freshman again trying to impress the seniors all while justifying why I think it's okay to be in "homemaking" when they're all presidents of the class.
It really sucks when this happens. And after reading all your comments, it's obvious that it happens to all of us.
Me too! Me too!
But it still sucks.
I completely get that feeling when I go out sometimes. I am married, when most of my friends are not. I am responsible and don't drink that often ever, as you said, someone has to drive home.
The first few times this happened to me I started to get down, and then I realized that there are times when I can let loose and have fun, that I am not so different, but that I have grown up and am at a different point in my life than everyone else. I know how to have fun, I have done it before, but I have a new definition of greatest accomplishments that don't include the beer pong table any more.
You are not alone in feeling different, but you know that :) You have so much to be proud of and you have times.. where you are the loud fun loving one, now though, your just not the one who is "always" loud and slurring words, I find people tend to like us more if we aren't always that person any wayys :)
Thanks for sharing!
It's great when you get to the point where you just don't care about conforming!
I struggle more with being the only single person. With my friends I'm ok with it and it's not like it's shoved in my face. But in an office of 30+ being the only single one, but nowhere near the youngest, That's tough.
I feel the same way a lot of times and usually it is me that feels out of place at my own party. Like my recent Halloween party. The hubs still insists on having a beer pong table set up in our garage. I personally have no use for it and never have, especially when I am hosting my won party. So you could tell who the crazy party people where because at one point most of the party was outside.
It is really hard when you have young kids that can't take care of themselves. Lucky for us we had my older nieces over that kept our kids buys and in bed that night so it was no big deal for us. But I can assure you that once 10 pm rolled around I wanted to go to bed.
I don't even try to fit in anymore. And you don't need to either. You are awesome just as you are and I know that we would have a good time partying together!
I may even talk you into some jeggings. I do love them...
I think wherever you are in life - there are times we feel totally out of our element. In terms of being a mother now, I feel like I lost my "cool" a long time ago and I don't know where to find it sometimes! but I think especially now while my kids are so young and dependent - my cool might have to stay hidden a little. But its coming back out soon and those drunk chicks in the leggings better watch out!
Isn't it interesting how things change when we become Mommies? The same things just are not as important anymore. Every time in our lives has its place and I try to live without regrets but I certainly would not trade this time as a Mommy for anything, cute little jeggings or not :) I am glad you are happy in your own fabulous skin!
Oh man, good stuff! I am right there - trying to desperately to shake the labels that everyone else has slapped on me.
It does get complicated when the situation is closer to home. I really liked this post and used it to write mine.
I always don't fit in because of the money issues here. Everyone else in this area seems to have huge houses and the best of everything... not that I want all that stuff, but I don't feel like I am part of the "club"
Actually I dont feel the need to fit in. I wear what I like, talk how I like, say what I want, etc.
The only time I feel insecure is when Im some where kinda fancy. Then I get fidgety. lol I always feel like Im gonna trip and fall on my face or something...
It wouldn't be cool to show off your hotness around all those young ones anyway. Good call.
Oh man, I remember the awful peer pressure back in the day. Thankfully, like you, I know who I am now and things have changed a lot since then. I'm not going to say I never give in to peer pressure now and then, I think it still exists in my life at this stage, but I guess it's just not as bad. I think the hardest thing I deal with now is giving into gossip. Gossip will always be a problem at any age, but I find that I start gossiping just to fit in. I hate to admit it, but I'm trying to get better about that.
If it makes you feel better, I just found out what jeggings were a few days ago. :)
I totally understand this. Hanging out in my college town over the weekend really brought home the fact that I had grown up and was out of place with the college crowd.
I agree we can still have just as much fun, but I'm with you on being glad I have kids I play with and a husband to go home to. I'd take that over the 'college party days' any day.
I feel like that at my husband's Christmas party for work. He and I are the only ones not drinking alcohol out of about 70 people.
It's nice to know we're not acting like total retards though like some of the other intoxicated folks.
I hate feeling awkward like that. I don't always have to be the life of the party, and I really love sitting back and people watching. But sometimes my silence is because I feel so out of place. And that always sucks.
I go to college and sometimes feel out of place surrounded by a bunch of 18 year olds with their skinny bodies and cute little clothes. I hate feeling like the old one, but I think a lot of it is jealousy because I don't like being 33 and wish I were 20 years old. BUT, then I think about what all I have gone through to get to where I am today, my husband, and my beautiful children, and I know those cute young girls still have sooo much ahead of them to experience so it makes me feel wise. I do hate that out of place feeling though. Thankfully, there are people my age or older that go to my school as well.
I rarely drink anymore because in my head if something were to happen with Babe I want to be clear headed and ready to go. It's rare to drink when he's not at the sitters and if it does hubs is home and sober. I frequently feel out of place with people who drink more (including my husband) because it's just not my thing anymore even though it used to be an every night all night thing. Hmm...I also seem to parent a little more involved then a lot of my friends with kids and a little too laid back for some. I don't seem to have a middle ground with my parent friends and I don't seem to fit in with my single childless friends!
I have felt out of place, and Craig and I were just talking about this. He has friends who still aren't even married, and most of my friends haven't gone down the baby road yet, or just started whereas we're done with that. Big life changes like that really do set you apart from people who otherwise aren't that different than you agewise.
I think it is hard when you don't have a lot in common with the people at the party.
I totally hear ya! I'm not a mom but I'm more mature than some people we end up around and it makes me feel like I shouldn't belong!
I think we all feel that way sometimes, but I'm finding that it bothers me less and less the older I get. I've been in situations like the one you described and usually find myself thinking how much I'd rather be home with a good book or curled up on the couch with my family and thinking how grateful I am to be past that stage in my life.
The older I get the less it bothers me. Even a few years ago I would have been sad and depressed about it.
I linked up again...finally...better late then never!
Yes I think we all feel that need to conform to be like those around us. Good for you realizing you could just be who you were and remembered that you had those kiddoz in the morning....nothing worse than a hangover or just being tired the next day when you have kids!
Parting in like your in collage is so overrated. I love not feeling the pressure to we wild and sow oats. Plus dating is even more overrated, the awkwardness, nervousness, and guessing games are just not for me. I'm a commitment-cuddle-up-with-the-hubby-on-a-Friday-night kind of girl. Plus it comes in handy to have neighbors that like you.
I hate situations like that. I've actually never been good in big crowds. I get nervous and clam up. I wish I could stroll up to someone and start talking, but it's just not me.
Aw, Shell, no one fits in everywhere they go. In this case, there wasn't any need to fit in because you, as a grown-up married lady mom, have moved into a different stage of your life, as they will when they reach that status. You had nothing in common with the people they are now, you are past that! You have more responsibilities, you are more mature, you are more aware, you are more interested in things beyond the need to go "party". Your definition of fun has changed and that is as it should be.
What is it that the Bible says? "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." It is a cycle of life that comes around to most everyone eventually. You just got there before they did!
I think I'd be grateful that I didn't fit in with that crowd. And you can be pretty sure that none of them would have felt they fit in at a party of your friends and contemporaries! That's just the way it works and that's why they call it the "Life Cycle"
PS....I have NEVER quoted from the Bible for any of my writing before! It's a first. This just seemed too appropriate to ignore! :)
Ha ha! Good point with the last paragraph.
I don't think I feel pressure to fit in anywhere because I know I can't. I'm just too different.
The ladies in my "circle" spend a lot of money on clothes, toys, etc., and I just couldn't begin to keep up with that. We just can't afford to live that way. So there's no way I could compete even if I wanted to.
I homeschool, and my friends don't.
I'm a stay-at-home mom, but most of the women I know work.
I'm mostly just in a category of 1. Doesn't that sound cool? Now that I write it down, it kind of does to me too. :)
Been there. I have come to a point that I just avoid those situations anymore :) Makes me feel old. haha
I would have much rather been hanging out at the Bounce House...even the name implies fun!
I'll bet you were the happiest one there though..at the end of the day. Because you're amazing!!
I've felt out of place in some form all my life - hence the "red-headed step-child" part of my blog ;) I've always felt just enough different to be an outsider in most scenes in my life - too social to be a geek, too nerdy to be popular; too Christian to be a liberal, but too socialist* to be conservative, etc.
* socialist as the uber right tends to use it, that is.
But these days? I know who I am and WHOSE I am, and it matters not what others, other than those I love, think.
I feel that way a lot. Luckily I don't have to be in that kind of situation too much anymore...we are too old...lol! It is a very commmon feeling though. You are not alone.
I am so happy not to go back to my party days. I love my life now.
I love this post. Although I do still struggle with the 'not fitting in' picture, it's more at church and stuff like that ... mainly b/c everyone else my age is single or newly married. See ... I'm 25 with two kids, so I'm odd just to start. Thanks for sharing!
I think you did much better than I would have. I just don't have tolerance for being uncomfortable. Life is too short. Seems to me something clicks or doesn't and I don't waste time trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. :-)
I *do* give everyone and every situation a chance.
I should have linked up today's post here. It had a lot of heart in it. :-)
Beautifully said.
I'm going to remember this to tell my teenage sons,
"Not a loser, just different."
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