That's Not Me Anymore

Having 3 boys under the age of 5 at the playground tends to keep me occupied.



I don't really notice other things. Just constantly count my boys to be sure I know where they are. 1...2...where's?...oh!...3, 1...2...3...



So, I might not notice someone calling my name from across the playground.


I'm not intentionally being rude by not answering you, I'm just busy.



But, if you call me by a name that no one has called me in over 8 years, I won't even look in your direction.



Yet, it happened on the playground last week.



"Emmy? I thought that was you!"



Blank stare at the girl heading across the playground towards me, toddler planted on her hip.



"It's Michelle," I stammer.



"No, it's Sarah, don't you remember me?" I blink and let her think that I got her name wrong, not that I'm correcting her.



She probably never knew me as anything other than "Emmy."



And I really don't want to explain to this girl why that isn't me anymore.



She plops down on the bench near where I'm standing and proceeds to tell me all that she has been up to since we last saw each other. I vaguely remember that she was married to someone who worked under my X.



I'm not paying much attention to her, still counting my boys to be sure they are all where they are supposed to be, but I'm starting to get lost in thought.



Lost in memories.

Luckily, Monkey rescues me by racing over to remind me that I promised that he and Bear could throw stones down by the sound.

I smile and excuse myself from Sarah, plunk Cub in his stroller and head off towards the water to let the boys try to skip rocks(aka try to make the biggest splash possible).

Sitting beside the stroller, with the two bigs throwing rocks right beside me(close enough to grab should they decide to go for a swim), I let myself think about Emmy.

And of course, that leads me back to X.

A long, long, long, long time ago, I loved him. Anytime I think of him, I think of a line from a Poe poem: "We loved with a love that was more than love." He's the McSteamy character in my life, though I married McDreamy(whom I love very much, btw...I can't help that I got hit over the head with this memory)

One day, when we had been dating for about 6 months or so, as we were taking a walk, arms wrapped around each other, he squeezed me and said, "One day, you'll be me."

I laughed and asked, "I'll be you?"

"No, you'll be ME. Your initials, after we get married, will be ME. M....E.....Emmy. I think I like that better."

And so I became Emmy.

That's how he would introduce me to people. And it was always with a wink or with a squeeze of my hand or my waist. It was his way of reminding me that he wanted to marry me.

We did get engaged.

Started planning our wedding.

It didn't work out.

Too much time has passed now to really even explain it.

But, it ended.

And I was heartbroken.

One of the last conversations I had with him, he said, "I'll always love you, Em..." and he broke off, knowing that he shouldn't call me Emmy anymore.

I laughed through all my tears and agreed that that was who I was now: "Just M. I'll never be M.E."

Looking at my 3 beautiful little boys, I'm glad that I never did become Emmy.

The most important name change that ever happened for me was when I became their Mommy.