Pour Your Heart Out: Putting on Our Judge-y Pants
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Welcome to Pour Your Heart Out- if you need more info on how to participate, check out THIS post. But it's personal- it's what YOU think is pouring your heart out. Please grab the PYHO button or link back in your post if you are participating.
Welcome to Pour Your Heart Out- if you need more info on how to participate, check out THIS post. But it's personal- it's what YOU think is pouring your heart out. Please grab the PYHO button or link back in your post if you are participating.
Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)
"Not to judge, but..."
"I usually don't judge..."
Most of us say things like this.
Because most of us realize that we shouldn't judge others. That we never fully know someone's situation and so we can't judge them. Or we know that it's not up to us to judge.
And yet...
If you tell me that you never judge anyone, ever... I roll my eyes.
Because I believe that everyone puts on their judge-y pants about something. I admitted last week that I get judge-y about cheating.
You might not say it outloud. You might not blog about it. You might not do anything but have that internal flinch when you see someone doing something that you don't agree with.
It could be that dad you see who is totally covered in tattoos or has blue hair.
It could be the mom you see at preschool drop-off in her bathrobe or with a super-short skirt on.
Maybe it's the screaming kids in Target.
Or the child on a leash.
Or the baby being breastfed in public. Or the one being bottlefed.
Or the family with 12 kids. Or the family with only 1.
Or the mom who spends a lot of time away from her kids. Or the mom who never leaves her kids, not even to go to the bathroom by herself.
Or someone with tons of money or someone without any.
Or a parent who lets their kids watch tv or the one who never turns on the tv.
Or someone who is of a different religion or race or political party.
Or we judge someone who admits that they judge.
We're all human. And as much as most of us are aware that we shouldn't judge, it's hard to stop that initial gut reaction when we see something that we don't agree with.
It's what we choose to do after we recognize that feeling that counts.
Do you acknowledge that there could be a story there that you don't understand? Do you realize that it doesn't affect you anyway, so you should move on? Or do you get hateful about it?
We can't always help how we feel, but we can choose to be respectful in how we express those emotions.
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Labels: pour your heart out
posted by Shell at
7:00 AM
85 Comments:
Very well put as always Shell, I try to always remember there is a story behind why people do what they do but it is hard to not jump to conclusions at first glance of someone.
Most of us have learned to be "judge-y pants" just by being judged ourselves, our whole life.
I think their is something to be said for using judgement, but we do need to understand that judging on first impressions is not really effective.
Judging with little background information is difficult, but becomes necessary when hiring ( a new employee, child care, etc).
I will admit, I judge. It's often a mechanism for protection.
For the most part, I move on. I don't know the back story, any more than other people knew mine when my son would have a panic attack in public.
Everyone judges. Its human nature. The problem is not everyone can grasp perspective. Life is teaching me that as I mature...it helps me to not get so annoyed when people make decisions I would not.
Definitely have to agree...I have judged a close friend but then I realize she is my friend no matter what, so I try not to do it w/o getting to know someone.
I'm very judgmental.
Sadly, myself, my husband and one of our kids gets judged almost on a daily basis. Even by family (what a shock there, right?). But we take it all on stride.
I'm the last person to judge another, especially with my life background. But then again, I am HUMAN and I WILL drop the ball once in a blue moon.
At church this past weekend (first time back in almost 2 years) we had a guy on the Worship team (music) with spiked, pinkish red hair. And I thought it was UBER cool!
The older crowd I'm sure, being set in their ways with how we should "look" in church (not all, but some) may have taken the more conservative route of "we wouldn't DARE look like that in church in MY heyday!".
What a great post! I think it's human nature to judge, even though we might not want to do it. You're right that our reaction (and more importantly our actions) after we have that initial gut instinct are the more important parts of the equation.
We can't know everyone's story.
Ok, so I heard a someone preaching about this recently and I LOVE what he said.
"Judgeing is not the same as observing. You can see what someone is doing and observe that it is wrong. You can choose to distance yourself from them. That's not judgement. Judgement is when you think you know WHY they do what they do. When you think you know their motives, their intentions, the state of their heart, that's judgement."
So, I judge people at times, but I try to lean on the side of observance and away from assuming I know their heart.
I try really hard not to judge, but like you said, it's almost impossible not to, so instead, I try to be open minded. Yes, my human reaction is to make a quick mental assessment of a situation, but I try to make sure I'm aware that I just don't know the whole story and maybe it's not even my business, so it doesn't mattter.
Funny you posted this today because yesterday I spent the day with one of my oldest friends who happens to also live fairly close by. She posted about it on FB and referred to me as one of her oldest, most loyal and most nonjudgemental friends. It made me cry, because that is, IMO one of the nicest things a life-long friend can say. She's been through a lot, and in my mind I have judged some of her decisions, but I know she's a good person and I love her, so I'm so very glad SHE hasn't felt it!
Great post! If it doesn't concern me, I just move on. You are right it's natural to feel that way about stuff you don't agree with. However if they aren't hurting you or someone else I say just move on and forget about it. :)
I do try very hard not to judge others. In the worst situations, it's hard not to. I don't act on or express any such judgement, but I do feel it & I think that's where your post came from. It's refreshing to be honest & read honesty.
Someone above me said something about making a "mental assessment" & I think I do that without truly judging a person. No one is for me to judge, even if I know their situation & don't agree with it.
So right, Shell. We do judge, we may as well admit it. We know we should walk away especially if situations are beyond our control, but sometimes, the urge to do something kicks in.
I try not do act when I'm judgey. I allow myself that moment, and I move on. Life's too short to get our panties all twisted up over someone else's life, of which we know little or nothing about.
you always tackle the best topics, the ones that are timely and important.
This is one thing that Iwork on every single day, to NOT judge. To try to put myself in other people's shoes and understand that not everyone is like me, that it is that makes us a diverse and interesting world.
It's not always easy, but it is worth it at the end of the day.
It's so hard not to judge. After all, we were all born with our own opinions...and that makes judging inevitable.
I TRY to think about the whole situation and not just what I'm seeing, but it is hard. I have to constantly remind myself to have an open mind.
amen
I can admit it, I judge on occassion even though I know how hard this parenting gig is. In fact, my post today is on that subject:) Great minds...
Well said. I do judge but try to give people the benefit of the doubt; to put myself in that person's shoes. I guess it's only human nature to judge.
I think we all judge, whether we want to admit it or not. It's better to keep your thoughts to yourself and move on. I just wish everyone would do that.
I love the last part - we can't always help how we feel, but how we express it is important. Very well said!
Sometimes it's so hard not to put on the judgey-pants. But thanks for the reminder that we need to remember there's more to the story than we are seeing.
I love it, you don't know what someone else has been through unless you have walked in their shoes! :) I try not to be judge-y but I do admit I can be very judge-y sometimes especially when it comes to how people treat their pets! I'm very vocal about that, but surprisingly haven't been on the blog!
Shell, I just love you! I'm so glad I found your blog and I cannot believe I wasn't reading it forever ago!
I can totally relate to this. And I think most people make little judgments all day long without even noticing most the time.
"What is she wearing?"
That one MUST sound familiar to a few people ;)
I know I do it myself. I guess we just need to be more conscious about what our minds are doing. But that gets hard. It's almost like we are trained to make judgments but none of us SHOULD. Oh, the conundrum.
I just love everything you said in this post!!
It's so true..
This past year, I have really focused on trying to "throw out" my judgey pants...
Truth be told,, they still find their way back to me once in a while.
We're human, we judge,, but like you said,, it's all in how we express it..
Awesome post!!
I wrote about this topic last week on my blog http://therippleeffect2009.wordpress.com
as I was coming to terms with my inner judge. I judge other mothers, and I judge myself; I'm perhaps my own harshest critic. Backing off the judging is difficult, but being at least self-aware helps to keep it in check.
I am a mother who uses a leash, I let my kid watch tv, but I am also the mother who does a ton of projects and games with my kid, teaches her about helping, and she's happy, healthy, safe, and thriving. I think we all have our things we feel proud about as moms and we all have made choices we might not have thought we would before we became mothers. So I've started to really think about my motives when I'm judging another mother.
I think that we all do it more than we'd like to admit. It's really hard to be conscious of it when you're doing it too. It's even harder to change!
Great post! Good reminder also! you are right, there is ALWAYS a back story.
I wont even lie I judge at first, its usually because in my own mind I feel like they are judging me first.. its a mental battle I guess. Sometimes Ill judge just because I don't think Ill fit in so why bother... Ive gotten better about it. Now I try to talk to the person, if its the right kind of situation, and see what happens from there
I've been waiting for this one.
I'll say it. I judge everyone. There is not a day that goes by that I don't scowl at someone's behavior, fashion, kids. The list goes on and on.
Just last night we were out to dinner and there was this kid who looked to be just of legal age sitting with his father at their table, talking or should I say, TALKING. The dude yelled his conversation throughout dinner overpowering the whole restaurant. And I gave it my usual hmmmphhh and even went one step further, stereotyping him by saying, "I hate how the young people of today have no social etiquette."
Could he have been yelling because his father was hard of hearing? Definitely, even though his father kept telling him to quiet down. Could he have had something wrong with him? Perhaps. There are a million reasons why he could have been yelling but I chose to judge him.
I need to be better at this. It is one of my biggest flaws, especially since I certainly march to a different drummer and I'm sure plenty of judgement is cast my way.
Great post, Shell. I need to realize it doesn't affect me and move on. I really need to do that.
Except for the bad drivers. I can't help myself there.
Great post, Shell, and absolutely true. As much as I try not to judge, there are moments when I do cast judgment on others, though I immediately feel remorse later. I think it's human nature. But unless we walk in someone else's shoes, it's difficult to know exactly what they're thinking/experiencing.
Exactly, like if someone cuts me off in traffic I always assume it's my guardian angel reminding me to slow down.
Or a spy on his way to a rendezvous to sell our government secrets to the highest bidder.
But the first one had a nicer spin.
This is something I'm really trying to change about myself, because I never considered myself "judge-y" but then all of the sudden, I think my "judge-y-ness" got out of hand. So I'm trying to check myself when I judge someone and play devils advocate in my head.
Also, I feel like when I'm being all judge-y, I somehow think "no one could possibly judge me." How completely naive and self righteous of me!
Very well said.
I like the way you put this, Shell. That the judgment isn't the issue, but rather our reactions to it. Definitely food for thought!
Also? Does anyone else picture MC Hammer pants when you talk about judge-y pants? lol
you are pretty freakin' awesome.
even if i judge you for your "skinny after 3 kids self"
:x
thank you for such a timely post. just survived a weekend holiday family reunion where everything we did was judged and criticized -- to the point one person actually laid hands on my child and would not let my husband deal with a situation because she apparently felt we were not up to the parenting task. despite not knowing us at all, or having any kind of respectful dialogue with us. She actually told hubby he was rude for interrupting her berate my child!
Lucky for her, I was not present - because yeah, I can judge sometimes....... I would have judge how fast my fist could lay her out on the ground.
We all do it - This week my post is about how I judge a mother because I think shes is a%$@ for having a gun in her house :)
Well put.... I admit, I absolutely struggle with this. I have gotten better, but I usually still have that judg-y instinct, and then I have to reel myself back in....
Love this. I just told some friends that I *tried not to judge* when I met a new mom, and saw what she wore, and how she didn't monitor her kid, etc. but I also said I couldn't help my initial reaction. And I even defended her when my husband asked me a question or two. And then my questions were confirmed by these other moms, and I was like, ah, I try not to judge, but ... so yeah, I get it. Sometimes we just go with our guy, and our gut? IT judges!
You have a very good point there, Shell. I do try not to be judge-y, but am human - as you said - and do succumb from time to time. A good post and one that does get me to thinking.
Thank you!
You are SO right!
I think those who say they don't judge can be the ones who judge the most. We all judge - you are right. But the most important part of your post here is where you say "even through judging be respectful." Hatefulness is unbecoming and doesn't help - it only hurts. But it IS hard to remember that sometimes.
Man, Shell, I am a bunch of those! I learned not to judge people after I had my 17-year-old autistic son. He was totally out of control for a few years and we had no idea what to do with him. We just never know what someone else is dealing with...that screaming kid in the store? He might just be a frustrated autistic kid, not a spoiled rotten brat who isn't getting the latest wii game.
Sandy
I agree. It's impossible to keep from being judgy all the time. The trick is knowing when to say something and when to just keep your mouth shut and walk away.
I can be judgy, definitely. I have a friend at work who has a child the same age as mine, and we compare stories. We're totally different on everything -- she buys organic wipes, I don't....she won't let her child watch TV, mine has...she sleeps with her baby, I won't dream of it. And yes, I judge. And I feel awful about it.
Great post! I know I'm human and make judgements on a daily basis, but I try to be realistic. The whole "story" I might not know keeps me in check. Even though the guy that cuts me off in traffic is likely not speeding towards the hospital where his kid was just taken to the emergency room, I feel a little less mad thinking that about him then thinking he's just a jerk.
Well written. We all judge, like you said. I think it's totally how we act when we do. We shouldn't act upon it, its not our place and we don't know the whole story ever!
Thanks for pouring your heart out!
So true. No matter what it is, all of us judge others about something at some point.
It's also true that what really matters is how we deal with that.
I grew up with a Mother that judge and over generalized others about everything. It was strange to hear, and I notice it now so much more. She got/gets very wrapped up in the way others live their lives and I think it comes down to the fact that she is insecure about her own.
I know that I judge others about certain things, particularly parenting in certain moments. I thankfully usually realize I am acting crazy, have next to zero real information about this person and that yes, it isn't about me. It isn't ever about me so I am usually good about moving on and trying to focus on the fact that everyone does things there own way....thank goodness.
Watch out if you ever choose formula around my Mom though, you are basically stunting your child's growth in a million ways and she'll let you know. Good times!
I just flat out admit I want to judge more, on my blog!
So well written, Shell. It's true that we all judge; it's in our nature. But it is important for us to remember that there is a story there that you don't know. I assume If I ever find myself being all Judgey McJudgerson, I try to take a moment & remind myself that I don't know the full story. Besides, there's lots people can judge me about. And I try not to let it bother me.
I think it is a part of human nature to judge. By the definition--form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion--we all form opinions, good or bad about everything. You are correct when you wrote "it is how you act upon them." We all do it, we just need to take a little step back and inject a little kindness and understanding into our thoughts.
Cheers. VB
I don't really care that much about what other people do or how they do it. But that is something that has come with age. Of course I still have my days.
I think we all do it. I have learned that the moment I decide to go there in my thoughts I choose to go talk to the person that I have those thoughts about. I often find that they are nice sweet people.
Very well said, Shell. I try to remember that I never know the full story behind everyone's situation, but I'll admit, it's hard to not have those judge-y pants on sometimes. But we can choose to express our emotions in a respectful way.
So, so true. You certainly have a way of getting to the nitty-gritty of it.
I agree. It's hard not to judge and whether we want to admit it or not, we all do it.
Just a few weeks ago, I saw "those" kids running through Target screaming while the mother was trying to shop and I heard her threaten and beg them to stop and for a quick second I thought "damn, why can't she control them...." and then I realized that a few years ago, I was that woman. Made me stop judging right then and there and I just went to a different part of the store.
I didn't know her situation, just like all those other people didn't know mine when I was going through it, who was I to judge?!
Great post!!!
Excellent post. I try to remember I do not know the whole story. When I was preggers with Ryan, my husband was taking the girls to a friends on post--I was in false labor AGAIN--and he made a wrong turn. It was getting dark, I was in pain and he was driving faster than the prescribed 15MPH and this woman was chewing him out, shouting that the speed limit was 15! 15! 15! It proves your point. You just don't know.
Oh yeah. We all judge, but some people don't admit it. I judge at first and then make myself think of other possibilities and scenarios. It helps me feel compassion and empathy. I dont naturally have an abundance of that. :/
It's the human nature beast that we have to quell.
We may begin to think it, but we can stop ourselves.
And zip our lips.
Great post.
So, so well written. You probably remember my Judgmental Mommy post, and you said everything so much better than I did. There are circumstances where I find myself judging right off the bat. I don't agree with it, I don't condone it, but so long as it doesn't impact my family or my kid, then it's not my place to say anything about it or be hateful about it. We're all brought up in different circumstances and surroundings. We each have our own idea of "normal."
Shell, I love that you wrote this. You are so right. We all judge but it's how we choose to react after our initial reaction that matters!
I have always been a huge judger. But since losing my son I have a greater appreciation for the "hidden story" behind what we see. I think I am much less judgy these days.
Well said! There are so many reasons someone might choose to judge me and they don't. I need to do the same.
I've gotten really good at silently judging people. It's usually not my place to speak up when I'm being judgy, but I can't help myself from thinking it.
I have tried to make a conscious decision that when I start to judge someone, I try to turn it back to myself and realize that I'm the one in the wrong. I just have to keep reminding myself of that on a daily basis.
YES! It's all about what we do after that gut reaction crosses our mind. SO well said! Because we'd all want someone to think twice about us before they judge us, right?
I wish I could think of this in-the-moment more often, though.
I understand where you are coming from but I think there are times when judging is acceptable. For example, my neighbor smokes openly in front of her children. I judge her for that. Not because she smokes, but because no one can say they don't know the harm that is causing to that child. She is a nurse and should know better then most. So I judge her. I'm guilty of judging in most of the cases you laid out above and in all of them I try to self reflect and change my behavior because I do not believe it is appropriate. However, with my neighbor, I'm kinda proud of my judgement. I suppose that says more about me then her but either way thanks for posting this, it was thought provoking.
I think it's so easy to look at someone and think "I would never...". But I try not to get stuck in that mindset, because you never know. Those things that you think you would never, you just might. Like the kids tearing through Target. It looks bad from someone else, but that so easily could be me with 3 kids screaming and climbing up my head.
"We can't always help how we feel, but we can choose to be respectful in how we express those emotions."
You nailed it. I judge, often reflexively. I acknowledge that there might be a story there that I don't know, and I realize it doesn't affect me anyway, but the judgmental thoughts still pass through my mind. Even when it comes to how others parents - something I try to be especially conscientious of.
BUT... I don't say those thoughts out loud. And if I do - if I'm asked for my thoughts or opinion - then I phrase them respectfully. Because as a mom, I know how hard this gig is without the weight of judgment to bear. And nobody deserves a heavier load. (Except Casey Anthony.)
I think it's instinctive but I wish it wasn't. I always try to think about the situation involved that I may not know about when I jump to judging someone else. I say all the time that we women, mothers, we should be working harder to support each other instead of breaking each other down, but it's hard, so very hard, isn't it?
I agree completely! We should'nt base our feelings about a person on one glimpse we get of them anyway. We have no idea what goes on, on a daily basis.
Great post Shell! What a great follow up for last week's post.
I speak for myself, but I'm sure most can agree, that we are guilty of having automatic judgements about others. For myself, I tend to have a judgement about a situation then it's light a fleeting thought.
With friends, it carries further because I usually have background information. I know I shouldn't judge their actions but it's hard not to. Especially when I don't even say anything and they feel like explaining themselves.
It's human nature and if we watch our tongues, then no harm done. Better to keep our opinions to ourselves.
So true. I find that once people become parents, it's actually EASIER to judge... not right... but easier. Perhaps parenthood is so fraught with self doubt and anxiety that judging other's choices seems like a fast way to make ourselves feel better about ours. Been thinking about this same subject for a long time... thanks for bringing it back to my consciousness.
Well said, Mama. Thank you!
Thank you for the reminder! Great post.
Sadly, it's human nature to judge, but we can learn to control it and not act on it or speak it.
What a perfect post. As I read through the examples my heart hurt at the fact that I know I've judged people.
My son and I were just talking today about how you shouldn't judge. You never know what you don't know.
Short of child abuse or things that I just do not agree with in parenting/marriage/family I move on as it doesn't affect me and my day!
Love this! I wish I could get to a place where I didn't judge, or at least not think that everyone is always judging me.
Yes I judge. If someone lies to me, I judge them as untrustworthy. If someone is kind to me, I judge them as a good person. It can go both ways.
I was at jury duty once and one of the jurors said she couldn't serve b/c she didn't believe in judging people. Now that I rolled MY eyes at!
Amen, sister! LOVE this post, Shell.
Absolutely! We are ALL guilty of it sometimes no matter how hard we try not too
Yep - we have all been there - but that last sentence tells me exactly what your character is! Great post!
Great post Shell! That's so true. Even if we think we are too good to judge we judge those who are judging! Or we judge those who are judging us!
I like the idea of taking a judging feeling and deciding what you're going to do with it. There's always a choice I think. Hopefully, I will learn to make more good choices than bad.
Shell very well put...love this! You are right, we have a choose on how to act. I always look at everyone with an open mind because like you said you don't know their story.
What a great post. I know that I'm guilty of judging on a daily basis...but I try to keep it just in my head. Every situation has a story and it's not my place to decide what is right for others.
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