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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Pour Your Heart Out: Guilt Over No Guilt

If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.

But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.

Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.
Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)


I'm spending four nights away from my kids. I feel so bad. I shouldn't leave them. I'm going to be so worried about them while I'm gone and checking in on them every 10 minutes.

Mom Guilt tells me that that is how I should be feeling right now.  That spending four nights away should make me feel bad and frantic about leaving my kids.

But, I don't.

So, instead, I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty.

I know I'll miss my boys(and my husband) while I am at Blissdom.  But, I also know that I will have a blast and learn a lot.  And I am rarely away from my family, so why should I feel bad about this?

Why do we moms convince ourselves that we don't deserve the time away? And why do we get a judgement of "bad mom" if we get excited about time away?

My husband has to travel for work sometimes. He also takes short trips that are just for fun. Does he agonize over leaving us? Does anyone expect him to?

No, we say that he need needs a break, that it's good for him with all the stress he's under.

Well, guess what? Moms have stress, too. Moms need time for themselves every once in a while, too.

And we shouldn't have to feel bad about it.

I could rationalize right now and say that this is a "work" thing that I'll be gone for. And that is partly true. But, it's also a whole lot of fun.

Plus, I think that if a mom needs to take a few days and go somewhere, anywhere, every once in a while, that no one should make her feel guilty for it or make her feel like she has to have a good excuse for doing it: if you have a spa week planned with the girls, go for it.

I love my boys and husband more than anything on this earth.  But, it's NOT selfish to occasionally want "me time." It's human. It is a need.

Do you feel bad when you spend time away from your family?

Thanks again to LeadCheck for sponsoring me to Blissdom and allowing me this break! If you have not checked out their at home testing kits for lead, please do so.



Blogger Oka said...

It will never happen for me. I can't see it at all.

I don't think ill of others who can. I just can't.

I am a little jealous that I can't.

I remind myself though, my husband doesn't ever get those benefits either.

January 26, 2011 at 7:13 AM  
Blogger Amethyst Moon said...

enjoy your break, you deserve it! Wish I was going. Can't wait to hear all about it.

January 26, 2011 at 7:17 AM  
Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Here! Here! (says the mamma just back from her own weekend away!)

Enjoy yourself! And don't feel guilty- not even for not feeling guilty! :)

January 26, 2011 at 7:21 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I need to go visit Oka's blog because that is me. I just can't seem to leave my kids yet but am jealous of the people who can. I'm just not there yet. Have an amazing time. You should have your husband post daily updates here, then we can all keep an eye on how he is doing for you.

Linking up to pour your heart out this week for the first time, because I just finished pouring my heart out.

January 26, 2011 at 7:29 AM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

Yes! I'm totally guilty of mom guilt. I get anxious before I actaully leave, but then once I'm gone, I'm so glad I left!! I'm so happy that you're getting some time away. I hope you have a great time, and learn a ton of new bloggy goodness! :)

January 26, 2011 at 7:29 AM  
Blogger Bits of L said...

Hope that you have a lovely time away.

January 26, 2011 at 7:35 AM  
Blogger singedwingangel said...

Hubby and I went off together 2 years ago for a night to a town less then an hour away. I called the house to check on mom and the kids a dozen times.. Hubby took the phone

January 26, 2011 at 7:40 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I feel worry more than guilt, it seems. I'm always worried that something's going to happen to my son as soon as I am (or my husband and I are) separated from him. As soon as the kid gets into the van with Nonny and Pop-Pop, I assume one of us is going to get into a fiery crash. I just prefer life with the three of us together. I have anxiety issues...

January 26, 2011 at 7:51 AM  
Blogger Renegades said...

I feel bad when I'm not with my family. My job is to run the house and take care of them all, so when I'm gone I feel like I'm letting them down.

Even Mom's need a vacation, but why is it so hard to get a girls heart to buy into that?

January 26, 2011 at 7:54 AM  
Blogger myevil3yearold said...

Stop it right now and have fun!

January 26, 2011 at 8:00 AM  
Blogger Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys said...

Moms really do need time for ourselves. We give some much of ourselves that at times we need to recharge. Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving my kids, but I know that when I come back I will be a better mom.
Good for you for taking "you" time.

January 26, 2011 at 8:00 AM  
Blogger Joann Mannix said...

I don't feel guilty, but then again, my girls are all teens. I will tell you this, my husband has always insisted we take trips without the kids. We also have family vacations, but we have our alone time, too, with each other or by ourselves. When my kids were very small, we went to Italy. I was so upset about leaving them for 2 weeks and one day we were walking around Rome and I burst into tears. My hubs said, "Look at you. You're in Italy,not even enjoying yourself. Your children are fine. Who knows if you'll ever be back here again and you're wasting your time here, crying over your children who are fine."

it snapped me right out of it. From then on I realized, taking time away, with or without my husband is the healthiest thing I can do for my family.

Have so much fun! I was just on your roomie's blog for the first time last night. Love her new laptop bag. Check it out. And bring back all the news. I want to hear everything.

January 26, 2011 at 8:00 AM  
Blogger chele said...

I still feel bad when I leave my kids and they are old enough to take care of themselves. My feelings, however, don't stop me from going where I want to go. I have to carve out time for myself in order to stay sane. The bad feelings don't stop me from having a good time and they always go away.

January 26, 2011 at 8:17 AM  
Blogger varunner said...

I have a total guilt complex. Even if I take an entire morning for a long run I feel guilty throughout. And I so deserve that time for running. I have a hard time breaking away from the guilt though. I think it'll be easier once they get older. I certainly hope so.

January 26, 2011 at 8:17 AM  
Blogger Diane said...

I usually feel the same way if I go away without my kids (and it's been way too long!) but I'm usually fine once I get where I'm going.

January 26, 2011 at 8:18 AM  
Blogger That One Mom said...

I used to feel badly when the kids were younger, but now as long as I have arrangements made for their care, I feel no guilt!

January 26, 2011 at 8:27 AM  
Blogger The Mommyologist said...

I definitely don't feel bad. But then again, every time I schedule "me" time, I wind up having to cancel!

Have fun this weekend!

January 26, 2011 at 8:30 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I miss them and it takes me a whole day to stop carrying around diapers and trying to hold someone's hand, but I truly do not feel guilty.
And I don't feel guilty about that either.
I know they are well taken care of. I know they are having fun.

I hope you have a great weekend!!

January 26, 2011 at 8:38 AM  
Blogger Angie said...

I have only once taken a girls trip without husband or boys. And that was when Z was 6 months old... so I have no idea... but I am sure I would feel guilty.

Have fun Shell!

January 26, 2011 at 8:41 AM  
Blogger Evonne said...

I think as moms we get so caught up in doing things for others that it can feel strange to take time for ourselves.

It's ok to not feel guilty about spending time away from our kids. We deserve that time.

January 26, 2011 at 8:43 AM  
Anonymous Amanda said...

I go away about 2x a year for a girls weekend with my stepmom and sister. When I leave I feel sad, but I also feel an old sense of me. When I come back I feel so excited to see my family and get back to our routine. I feel even more thankful to have them. Yet, I do feel like maybe everyone is wondering how I can do it! Why do we do this to ourselves?

Here's the thing, when I am home and make plans for a dinner out or a movie with friends- I feel way more guilty! Why is that? I feel guilty about missing bed time and taking the nightly routine away from all of us. Plus i always end up having to cancel for one reason or another involving my family. So for me, it's just better to plan some time away....

January 26, 2011 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger Kmama said...

Like I said to you yesterday, I do feel guilty and I worry. I mostly feel guilty about the inconvenience I cause for everyone else when I'm gone...I need to get over that.

January 26, 2011 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger bigguysmama said...

I know this sounds goofy, but if my kids go see their grandparents for a couple days I don't feel bad about being apart, it's just when I go somewhere (which is RARE). There are days when I WANT to go somewhere, LOL, but it just doesn't happen. Have a fun time and share all the juicy details of what you've learned & experienced when you get back!!


January 26, 2011 at 8:48 AM  
Anonymous Megan (Best of Fates) said...

I hope you have a FANTASTIC time - you totally deserve it. And probably because I'm a mom, but I wouldn't consider feeling guilty about it. You've totally earned it and your husband is plenty capable of caring for the kids for a few days!

January 26, 2011 at 9:02 AM  
Blogger MommyLovesStilettos said...

I feel guilty sometimes - only because I work full time outside of the house so I'm already missing that time with them. But regardless, we ALL need a break. I cannot WAIT until October (gosh it sounds so far away) for the Mac Kid Meet up in Miami. 4 glorious days of being responsible for no one but me :)

January 26, 2011 at 9:11 AM  
Blogger MommaKiss said...

Shell. I love this. I go away often. It's good for the soul. I don't get the guilt. Unless I'm away for work or nothing "fun". Enjoy yourself!!

January 26, 2011 at 9:28 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

I think all of us moms feel the mom guilt. It doesn't help to say it, but it's good for us to get away...we need "me" time and girl time and just being a woman time. Enjoy it Shell!

January 26, 2011 at 9:29 AM  
Blogger Nanny Anna said...

Many moms feel guilt, but not all. It is not a badge of a good mom to feel guilty. I consider myself to have been a great mom and I felt guilty about being away from my kids, BUT I also felt guilty if my dog ran out in the street and got hit by a car (I have no control over that), or if I cooked a new recipe that didn't turn out like it was suppose to (I have no control over that either), or if my friend got upset with me because she called me to talk about her problems and I had my phone turned off -to sleep...(I had no way of knowing that on that particular night she was going to fight with her husband and need to talk to me)

Do you see where I am going here? I carried guilt around for reasons totally unrelated to being a mom...I am just a guilt magnet because of emotional baggage I was carrying around since my childhood. Now that I am a grandma I am getting better control of it, but I still feel unwarranted guilt sometimes.

Don't beat yourself up because you don't have emotional baggage...take some 'me' time to rejuvenate yourself so you can be the best mom and wife for all your boys (hubs included). If you only give, give, give, eventually there will be nothing left of you. Taking time for yourself is necessary. Enjoy it!


January 26, 2011 at 9:31 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

I'm not a mom but at times I do feel guilty about leaving and expecting Keith to get the house in order, etc. However on the flip side of that coin, he always tells me he was able to do it before we started dating so then its his time to shine (ha). But don't feel guilty, you need your time away just like you and hubby need that date time from the kids. Have fun and I guarantee you it will all be there when you return :)

January 26, 2011 at 9:38 AM  
Blogger shellycoulter said...

Have lots of fun! I'm sure they will be having fun too! :)

January 26, 2011 at 9:38 AM  
Blogger Pamela said...

You're a better mother for taking a break from them. Shower them with your love before you go, buy 'em something cute while you're away, stick of photo of them in your pocket to glance at when the guilt arises, and shower them with your love when you arrive at home. Most of all, have fun and drink wine with the ladies!!

January 26, 2011 at 9:42 AM  
Blogger parentingBYdummies said...

I feel horribly guilty, but then I sleep in and forget all about it:)

January 26, 2011 at 9:49 AM  
Blogger ModernMom said...

I do not feel guilty about leaving the Hubby. Like yours, mine travels for work and fun, but will admit I suffer major Mama guilt when I leave the kids. I leave little gifts for them to open each day when I'm gone. It helps!
Have a blast!

January 26, 2011 at 10:00 AM  
Blogger Me said...

I feel guilty when I leave too. My hubby travels a lot for his job, and I'm lucky enough to be able to go with him while my parents keep the kids. I used to feel really guilty. But now I know my time away from them makes me a better Mom. It makes me miss them. And it makes them miss Me. And that's okay.
But in almost 15 years of marriage, I've only gone on 2 girl trips. My hubby's been on a few guy trips. Definitely more than 2. So why do I feel guilty when *I* want to leave? He gets to go to Bowl Games, and weekends at the lake, and NCAA tournament games. And I guarantee HE doesn't feel guilty. So why do I?

January 26, 2011 at 10:29 AM  
Blogger Brandi said...

I think I'm broken. LOL. I don't enjoy time away from my family. An hour away for a haircut is about the extent of my 'alone time' and I enjoy it for about 15 minutes and then I wonder what they're doing and what fun I'm missing out on. :/

Have a great time!

January 26, 2011 at 10:45 AM  
Blogger Jenn @ South of Sheridan said...

Hubs and I have never taken a vacation without the other, but that's primarily because money is always tight. So when we do have the ability to get away, it's something we both need.

Granted, we have nights away from each other pretty often, and I find myself anticipating the weekends, because Hubs works 16 hour shifts. ;)

January 26, 2011 at 10:53 AM  
Blogger platanosandmangoes said...

I think I felt bad when my now 7 yrs old was younger because I was a single mom with the first and was never there(had to work), so I felt the need to "make-up" for that but I'm just better when I do get that time! Enjoy, have fun, be blessed with the rest :D

January 26, 2011 at 11:03 AM  
Blogger We 2 Bees said...

It's true that people expect you to feel guilty - I'm glad you don't and I'm glad you are getting the time away. Good for you! Enjoy every moment! I haven't gotten away in a LONG time, I think it's time for it actually I'm going to go check on deals to somewhere :-)! Can't wait to hear all about your trip!

January 26, 2011 at 11:12 AM  
Blogger Salt said...

I intend to never feel bad when I spend time away. Being home isn't an option for me and while I'm sure it will be hard at first, I'm just going to have to get over it. :)

You shouldn't feel bad. I hope you have a wonderful time!

January 26, 2011 at 11:30 AM  
Blogger Andrea (ace1028) said...

YOU are going to be better than FINE! And THEY will all survive! :-) I am quite sure of that! Enjoy! I'm so glad you have someone sponsoring you for this, and that it is a company who you truly believe in and believes in you. Safe travels!

January 26, 2011 at 12:22 PM  
Blogger Lourie said...

You are so right. We need our breaks to recharge. And we shouldn't feel guilty for it. And don't feel guilty for not either. You are going to have such a wonderful time.

January 26, 2011 at 12:26 PM  
Blogger Tabatha said...

Oh Shell.. how i've missed pour your hear out wednesdays.. hope I get a chance to really get back into the swing of things.

But you should not feel guilty, as moms we need a break here and there. You deserve it!

January 26, 2011 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Mrs Montoya said...

I never feel guilty for getting away. I am so much better for them when I get back and I almost feel normal after even one night away.

Have a great time! Guilt be GONE!

January 26, 2011 at 1:06 PM  
Blogger MiMi said...

Ack, the name of the post is perfect. I've got guilt over no guilt in spades. :/

January 26, 2011 at 1:51 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...


Not anymore.

I hope you have an amazing time.

And that you somehow figure out how to get to BlogHer!

January 26, 2011 at 2:06 PM  
Blogger Hutch said...

I'm not a mom so I can't entirely related, but even just living with a roommate there's times when I need to just be alone or away!

Hope you have a blast!

January 26, 2011 at 2:10 PM  
Blogger Di said...

I was thrilled to get an hour away at Walmart on Saturday. It was my first "me time" in three weeks. I'm definitely going to need some breaks here and there but I'm sure I will have massive guilt attached to them.

January 26, 2011 at 2:33 PM  
Blogger Mothers' Hideaway said...

I am going on a big trip in May and I'm already feeling bad for not being here. I'm so excited to go, but feel I should be here so then I'm feeling bad for being excited!! AHHHHH

Have fun at Blissdom!

January 26, 2011 at 2:42 PM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

Go and have fun ...its not like you are leaving them to go do something dangerous or leaving them with Strangers... there is no other person on earth who makes a mom feel as bad as we can make ourselves feel over the little things

January 26, 2011 at 3:02 PM  
Blogger Emmy said...

Amen sister! Though I do feel the guilt. I guess the time my husband and I had a night away I was fine, but leaving all of them... Sadly I think I would feel it

January 26, 2011 at 5:24 PM  
Blogger WhisperingWriter said...

Nah, I don't feel bad when I leave my kids. A mother needs some time away. It's important.

I hope you enjoy your break!

January 26, 2011 at 6:37 PM  
Blogger Babes Mami said...

I don't feel guilty because I spend 98% of my time with my kid so I deserve whatever time I take!

Have fun at Blissdom!

January 26, 2011 at 6:40 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

You sing it sistah!!! But I can only remember one weekend that I've ever been away from my brood. Last May I went to watch hubby run his marathon. I dind't feel guilty at all...they were with grandma, and the oldest texted me morning, noon, and night (he has anxiety issues left over from daddy going to Iraq). i would LOVE a girl weekend...but I think guilt might get me since I've NEVER EVER done it. Live a little for me and have fun!!

January 26, 2011 at 7:03 PM  
Blogger FreeFlying said...

Good for you for going! Have a great time and don't worry one bit about taking some time for yourself!

January 26, 2011 at 7:21 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

I have never spent the night away from my son. And I totally should! You just enjoy yourself. Everything (plus more) will be there for you when you return ;)

January 26, 2011 at 7:48 PM  
Blogger Dysfunctional Mom said...

I totally get feeling guilty about NOT feeling guilty.
We just can't win!
I hope you enjoy yourself.

January 26, 2011 at 8:30 PM  
Blogger Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

Not missing them is almost worse than missing them. I can't escape guilt!

January 26, 2011 at 8:33 PM  
Blogger Lee-Ann said...

Have an awesome time! You deserve it!

January 26, 2011 at 9:13 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

No guilt sweetie. You deserve to go and have fun. We all need a break from normal life.

January 26, 2011 at 10:07 PM  
Anonymous Making It Work Mom said...

Have a great time! I have been away from my children 2 times, both in the past year. I spent so much time stressing before I left and then found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Why? Because I was having too much fun!

January 26, 2011 at 10:38 PM  
Blogger Welcome To Mommyland said...

I also have guilt being away from the kids. Plus the amount of work I have to do before I leave to get the hubby ready makes me wonder if it is worth it. But once I am out of the house I feel great !!
Enjoy !!

January 26, 2011 at 11:38 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

I hate that feeling of guilt too. I don't go away for that reason. I even feel guilty spending time with my friends. I am much better than I use to be but now that I am home all day by myself it seems selfish on my part to go and do more things "away"...call me crazy! I know. I am so much better when I do go away and need to remember that. Hope you are having fun.

January 27, 2011 at 1:52 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I don't feel bad or guilty...I feel lucky that I have a husband that I feel comfortable enough with leaving my twins. I know that not all men would be on board with that and I am happy that he is. I'm also happy that whenever I do go away, things are calm (or at least that's what he tells me) and Crazies are happy! He also encourages me to get away...yes, I do know I'm lucky and I'll take that over guilt any day.

Oh, and I don't feel guilty about not feeling guilty...that's just too much for me! Have fun!!!!

January 27, 2011 at 10:02 AM  
Anonymous Jennie @ Modern Mamaz said...

There is no escaping guilt in parenthood is there? It doesn't matter how good of a parent you are, you still feel like you should be better. The ironic part is, the more you feel you should be better, the better the parent you probably are.

January 27, 2011 at 1:25 PM  
Blogger Life Without Pink said...

I think Moms will ALWAYS have guilt no matter what. When I finally get time to myself I feel bad for leaving my boys, buy why? You are right, we deserve a little time and its good for us. You know your boys are in good hands...so have fun and enjoy your time!

January 27, 2011 at 2:47 PM  
Blogger John and Allie Fields said...

I have friends who try to make me feel guilty for not feeling guilty about times I want to go away without kids. Sometimes a girl has to have a break!

January 27, 2011 at 4:57 PM  
Anonymous Kimberly said...

Is it wrong that the first chance I get to have me time away...I start running and never look back. I have come to accept that we as parents need to separate ourselves from our roles as parents for our sanity. We need that time and it's ok to take that time. We deserve it and shouldn't feel guilty at all for it.
The only time I felt guilty was when my son was sick with the flu and I went to the airport to say good bye to my best friend.

January 27, 2011 at 6:50 PM  
Blogger Mungee's Ma said...

Enjoy your well-deserved break! I'm sure you'll have a great time.

I don't really get a chance to leave my family. I went out of town for a few days back in June and I did feel a little guilty about it, but I felt like I deserved it :)

January 27, 2011 at 8:32 PM  
Blogger TheBabyMammaChronicles said...

You do deserve a break! And you definitely shouldn't feel bad about it

January 27, 2011 at 10:13 PM  
Blogger Jene said...

With my current job, I have to travel to DC on a quarterly basis. It's usually a 3-night/4-day trip. Do I feel guilty about leaving? Not a chance. In fact, I look forward to it. It's my chance to get a lot of work done, meet with my colleagues, eat good food, visit neat places, and, most importantly, be completely and utterly alone back at the hotel. I spend 30 minutes alone every day - driving from daycare to work and back again. Being in the car during rush hour isn't a relaxing way to spend that time.

We all need our own time and space sometimes. Have fun!

January 28, 2011 at 8:04 AM  
Blogger Eternal Lizdom said...

I used to have a really hard time being away. Now, I've realized how rejuvenating it is- if I let it be- and I actually look for opportunities to getaway! Not because I don't want to be with them... but because the things I go away for are important and because going away allows them more time with Daddy making the decisions and because time away means I sleep better for at least 1 whole night and I get a shower and toilet time with no interruptions and I can eat my dinner in a restaurant with no crayons under my plate and without my food getting cold while I cut up and blow on someone else's food.

It's really so totally worth it.

January 28, 2011 at 9:19 AM  
Blogger cornflakegirl74 said...

I have many friends who are mommies and I always sense that they love time away from their families and I would NEVER assume it's because they don't love their husbands and kids... it's just as you said: time away is healthy and normal and natural. No one should feel guilty about needing a break every now and then. You do so much for your husband and kids; you need to take care of your needs, too!

I hope you're having a fantastic time and I look forward to hearing your stories when you return :)

January 28, 2011 at 3:41 PM  
Blogger Lady Jennie said...

I can't wait to hear the stories!

January 30, 2011 at 2:06 PM  
Blogger For the Love of Naps - Sarah said...

good for you for getting away. Can't wait to catch up on your blog and hear what you learned at blissdom.

As for me, I enjoyed my time at the hospital. Ordering off the hospital menu actually was fun. How sad is that!

January 31, 2011 at 5:41 PM  
Anonymous Lauren said...

Most of my travel now is with the kids but I absolutely LOVE the occassional get-away on my own. It is a treat and I always enjoy the luxury of soaking in a hot bubble bath in my hotel room jacuzzi with a glass of champagne!
But yes due to the mom guilt you mention I pay for it all in advance with pre-cooked meals just ready to re-heat, sitters on call in case Dad needs to go somewhere and activities planned so no one gets bored.
And no my husband never feels guilty when he goes away. LOL

April 8, 2011 at 9:37 AM  

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