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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out: A Glass of Hurt Feelings

Did you know this is the 26th "glass" of PYHO? We've been doing this for half a year now! I'm not a photographer, so the picture memes didn't work for me- unless I could tell a story about them, like this post from last December. Though I liked playing along with some fun memes, I soon felt the need for at least one post a week when I really pourd my heart out. I even said in some of those posts "I'm pouring my heart out today."   When I would say that, I actually started getting an image of that in my head(the one you now see on my button). And because eventually, I was writing these posts on Wednesdays anyway, I thought I would take a leap and see if anyone else would like to join in. Oh, was I NERVOUS, thinking no one would join in! Thankfully, you all are amazing and have joined in!

A big THANK YOU to everyone who has joined in- whether it's by writing your own post or by visiting those who link. I really feel like I get to know you better when I read your PYHO posts.

If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.

Please grab the button for your post and link up! 

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)


In this life, we are all entitled to make our own decisions. As long as it's not something illegal or immoral, we have a lot of choices that are completely up to us- we have to figue out what we think is best for us.

Personal decisions.

But sometimes, we hurt someone with those choices.

Not intentionally. We know that we can't please everyone.

And even though we have the right to make the choices we did, the people who get hurt by those choices....well, they have the right to feel hurt.

Because one of the choices that we are allowed to make is how we feel about something.  We're allowed to feel hurt by a choice someone made. Whether we understand their choice or if we think they are wrong, we're allowed to feel sad about it.

My baby brother's wedding is next month. My oldest son is a ringbearer in it.

I am not in it.

Not a bridesmaid, not a reader, not even the guest book attendee, which is basically a fake position anyway. 

I am his only sister. But, I am not close to his finacee. I like her, but we don't spend a lot of time together. Mainly because I now live 600+ miles away. But, when we did live nearby- well, we have three kids and they have none and are still busy with the party-stage of life.

Is it her right to ask whoever she wants to be in her wedding? And to not ask someone if she doesn't want them in her wedding? Yes, yes, it absolutely is her right.

But, I have the right to be hurt by it.

To remember that when I got married, I just assumed that my brothers(my two biological and my NC brother) would be in it. Even though dh could count the hours he'd spent with my bio brothers on his fingers by the time our wedding came around, due to how far apart we lived from each other. And even though I don't think my older brother had even said so many as 20 words to him at that point.

Just because I happen to think that you usually should think of family first in these situations... after all, how many times do you hear of people who look back at their wedding pictures years later and realize that they no longer even see the people who were in their bridal party...with the exception of family. So, to pick someone else over family- I see it as a choice that most people would someday regret. Not all the time, I understand- some people really are friends for life. And some people have crazy family members who should be banned from even attending a wedding. But, just because I happen to feel this way does not mean that everyone has to agree with me.

I do not have the right to pout, be a baby, throw a fit, or try to put a damper on their day.

I do have to respect her choice.  And I can even understand it sort of  kind of not really at all.

But, I do have the right to feel hurt about not being asked.

And I also have the right to wear a dress ten times as fabulous as what the bridesmaids will be wearing. Anyone have one for me to borrow?



Blogger Katina said...

Shell, you are soooo right! People do have the right to make decisions that work for them and the people they hurt have a right to be hurt. So many times as Americans we want to flex our "inallieble rights muscles" without any consequences! There is freedom of speech but that does not mean that everyone will agree with you or not be hurt.
Just like your sister in law to be can choose who she wants to be in her wedding. Yet, you have every right to feel like you do. Just don't give it any more engergy, wear your fabulous dress and enjoy yourself. Send em light and love everytime you think about your feelings and keep on being you! Next time I get married, please come be in my wedding! (LOL)

September 8, 2010 at 12:11 AM  
Blogger Casey said...

Wow, I can't believe it has been a half of year of these posts. It seems like it started yesterday!

You have every right to be hurt and I would be too. Like you believe family should always be included in the wedding. Before we even got to having friends as bridesmaids or groomsmen we made sure family members were included. I am sorry you are hurt

September 8, 2010 at 12:13 AM  
Blogger Steph said...


I'm in TOTAL agreement about the protocol for bridal party and family!

I'm sorry you're hurt. ♥

I was asked to be in my brother's (I am the only sister) wedding in 1999. I lived in TN and they in AZ. I found out I was pregnant shortly after the asking...my due date Dec. 7th. The wedding: Dec. 4th.

No chance I'd be flying from Nashville to Phoenix. I cried so hard for days. I couldn't even speak by the time I talked with him on the phone to tell him. I felt so terrible...especially since our dad had already died and that absence would be felt.

You know what I remember most? My sister-in-laws friend in the background saying, "Somebody ALWAYS gets pregnant and ruins it."

People don't think about the impact of their words. (as we've talked about before)

What I did...I listened to my brother's wedding over the phone, holding my 7 day old baby with tears streaming down my face.


September 8, 2010 at 12:13 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Same thing happened to me. My brother got married (I'm his only sister) and I was never asked to be in the wedding or participate in ANY way. It was like I was a guest at a total stranger's wedding. Family snubs hurt to the core. You wear that fabulous dress... and post pictures!

September 8, 2010 at 12:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You absolutely have a right to be hurt you weren't asked. I fully agree with you that family should be put first. I am sorry girl that she chose not to include you. It is her loss, big time.

September 8, 2010 at 12:15 AM  
Blogger Loni said...

I did not have my now sister in law in my wedding (hubs sister) but it was because DH's sister and him don't get along, not because I didn't want her (I don't particularly care for her if I'm being honest). I think if he was close to her it would have been no problem, and if he wanted her in the wedding then for sure! Since she didn't have him in her wedding it was like she set the precedence (sp?) that it was ok to get married without family. Maybe DH was hurt so that's why he didn't have her in ours, I don't really know. You are right though, you do have the right to be hurt, especially if you are close to your brother!

September 8, 2010 at 12:15 AM  
Blogger Callie said...

I just lived this in July! My little stepbrother got married. Our parents have been married for almost 20 years and he has no biological siblings. I have been married twice in the last 10 years (yeah, I know :-() The first wedding, he was 13 going on 14 and we asked him to be an usher. The second time, it was a tiny wedding and he played the guitar for the ceremony. So I had him involved in both-even though he was a teen the first time.

So- he gets engaged to a nice girl that is about 9 years younger than me. They have everyone they've ever known in their wedding. Except me. Now, I am not super close to his wife but we have spent holidays together since they were dating.

I took the whole thing as - you're not really my sister. I really did. I'm still not happy about it. We live in the South and you don't do this. At my first wedding, I was a month away from being 24. My bridesmaids were 23-25. Except for one. My future husband had a sister-in-law (his OLDER brother's wife). Now, fiancee was 8 1/2 years older than me, his brother was 13 1/2 years older and me and his wife was a couple of years older than him. You see where I'm going with this. She was a sweet girl, I mean lady, but I thought she'd feel uncomfortable with us 20-somethings. Well, my mom made me ask her because that was the right thing to do.

I was obligated, so why wasn't she!!!!???? I feel your pain, really, I do.

And PS- go for the fabulous dress!!!

September 8, 2010 at 12:18 AM  
Blogger adrienzgirl said...

Sigh....some people have no manners and no respect.

I want you to get your hair did, have some kickass fabulous makeup and upstage the bride!

September 8, 2010 at 12:23 AM  
Blogger We 2 Bees said...

Oh Shell! I 100% agree, you have EVERY right to be hurt! I'm sorry! Family sometimes doesn't think about the fall out of their choices.

You seem to be handling it well, even if your hurt. And you totally deserve to look fab!

September 8, 2010 at 12:29 AM  
Blogger The Boob Nazi said...

Oh man, I hate when things like this happen. I'm sorry.

September 8, 2010 at 12:39 AM  
Blogger Twincerely,Olga said...

you are so right!!sorry you are hurt! I really like this meme and will have to play next week!

September 8, 2010 at 12:40 AM  
Blogger From Tracie said...

I would gladly let you borrow a more-fabulous-than-the-bridesmaids-dresses dress! I get the hurt feelings.

My cousin did this.

SIX bridesmaids...no family. (well, her sister, but no other family made it even for the fake guest book "job" even though we had always been close. I was really surprised!)

My dress was seriously better..and it did make me feel a bit better too. ;-)

September 8, 2010 at 12:49 AM  
Blogger Cheeseboy said...

Of course, I don't have a dress, but I am sure you will rock it.

Does your bro read your blog? Maybe he will have a change of heart if he knew your true feelings?

September 8, 2010 at 1:17 AM  
Blogger Daisygirl said...

wow, yes you do have every right to be hurt. Boys don't always think about feelings....maybe he didn't even think about it. But you need to feel hurt if that is what you feel then feel it. I know I would!

September 8, 2010 at 1:27 AM  
Blogger shortmama said...

I can understand. My husbands sister was a bridesmaid in my wedding even though I hardly knew her. When she got married my daughter was a flower girl and my hubs was the best man...but I was just a guest

September 8, 2010 at 1:56 AM  
Blogger Tammy said...

As the SIL to be, I am surprised she didn't ask you and you do have a right to be hurt.

I never thought about the people in your wedding, you never see unless they are family...so true, so true! They are still my friends but never see them...how sad!

September 8, 2010 at 1:57 AM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

I hear you.
Well said, we feel your pain.
My daughter wasn't chosen to be a part of her cousins bridal party. The bride knew her 2 other girl cousins better. I get that, really I do. But my daughter could be their sister. Couldn't she just have had three flower girls?

September 8, 2010 at 1:58 AM  
Blogger Dysfunctional Mom said...

You do have the right to be hurt, but I'm sorry that you are. The same thing happened to my sister at our brother's wedding, I was a bridesmaid and she wasn't in the wedding. She was very hurt.

September 8, 2010 at 4:09 AM  
Blogger Simoney said...

Hi Shell,
I understand totally.
My sister went through the same thing at my OTHER sister's wedding. I didn't even have a clue that she was hurt or that she hadn't been asked. As it turned out the marriage didn't last, and my sister made it up to her at her NEXT wedding! (Sad but true)

I probably did this myslef actually. Picked friends rather than sisters. At the time one of my susters (can you guess which one) was being a total cow about my fiance. There was no way I wanted her in my wedding party. So the other poor sister had to miss out too - or create a family war. And the only way round it was... to get their kids in the wedding party!
I am STILL great friends with 2/3 of my bridesmaids ten years later. Not too bad.
But guess which sister is NOT TALKING TO ME??? (and didn't acknowledge the gifts I sent her kids for years, or my third baby, or let me know when she had her 8th child... erm yes, THAT one).

Anyhow, sorry that you feel so crappy about the situation and I'm also sorry, but I have NOTHING FABULOUS that could help you at all.

But in the meantime i have teken the plunge and linked up my all-time pouring-out-iest post about my journey with depression. I hope it helps someone.
Luv Simone

September 8, 2010 at 4:57 AM  
Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

I agree on all points... yes, people have the right to their own choices, but sometimes I wish they were more considerate. I didn't even like my former SIL, but she was in my wedding, as was her daughter, because she was my ex's only sister and it was just...well, what I did out of respect for him, because I loved him. Your almost SIL probably thinks that because your son is in the wedding, she's got you covered, but it's not the same and my feelings would have been hurt too!

September 8, 2010 at 6:32 AM  
Blogger Eternal Lizdom said...

There is one flaw with your line of thinking. I agree with most of what you've said.

But this isn't just HER decision. Your brother should be just as involved and he should have said, "My sister needs to be involved. It's important to me." This isn't HER day- it's THEIR day.

September 8, 2010 at 6:44 AM  
Blogger Oka said...

I agree with us having a right to make our decisions and aright to feel hurt. I also agree that we should throw public pouting session about our feelings of being hurt. Morally, even when we are hurt, we should not start drama and hurt more people.

September 8, 2010 at 7:07 AM  
Blogger Di said...

You have every right to be hurt. I also made sure to let my husband know that my sister, her husband and all four of their kids would be in our wedding party. No discussion. I would be hurt too if I was you. That being said - in the privacy of your own home- pout, throw a hissy fit and be a baby about it! You'll feel better after wards!

September 8, 2010 at 7:35 AM  
Blogger Angie said...

I would be hurt too. Actually - pretty much the same thing happened when my brother got married. His wife had one of my sisters in it and then chose my cousin and her friends over my other sister and I. But guess who is there for them and thier kids now...

I encouraged Wayne when we got married to enclude as many brothers as possible - I did not have his sister in our wedding (I don't think she has ever liked me) but we did have her do some things.

Be glad you aren't in it - less expense and you get to have FUN! And your SIL to be looks like she could have expensive taste (who needs to drop a couple hundred on a bridesmaid's dress??)

September 8, 2010 at 7:46 AM  
Blogger Ian said...

Instead of repeating what others have said above, may I ask if your Mom has anything to do with it?

September 8, 2010 at 7:55 AM  
Blogger Mumsy said...

I'm glad that you came up with this meme. It's just what I needed...

I had no part in most of my sisters and brothers' wedding, and yes, I was hurt also..I can totally relate, Shell!

September 8, 2010 at 8:18 AM  
Blogger Kmama said...

When hubs and I got married, he already knew who he wanted to stand up on his side. There were five guys (one being his brother). I had 3 brothers and no sisters, so I had to scramble to find enough girls to stand up as bridesmaids.

About a year after my wedding, I started to feel horribly guilty. Why didn't I have my brothers stand up on my side, with the only two girlfriends that I really wanted standing up anyway??

I regret that I didn't include my brothers in my wedding in a more formal way (one read, one was a host, etc.). If I could do it again, I would.

I think that maybe I was trying to appease the hubs and let him have who he wanted, and having guys on my side seemed too unconventional. Maybe your brother is trying to appease his fiancee??

In any case, I don't blame you for being hurt. I would feel the same way.

September 8, 2010 at 8:26 AM  
Blogger Evonne said...

I agree that everyone has a right to make their own choices. I can understand why she didn't ask you to be a part of the wedding if you're not close. But at the same time, I think your brother should find a way to include you.

I would be hurt, too. Sorry.

September 8, 2010 at 8:49 AM  
Blogger Truthful Mommy said...

you have every right to be hurt. There are six kids in my family, when I got marreid all brothers and sisters were in it,my sister in law, my neice and nephew plus we asked my husband's brother and cousin. His side was mostly friends but in my family all family members are in the wedding. I guess some people are more friend oriented but I agree, friends usually coem and go..family is forever.

September 8, 2010 at 8:53 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Oh, such a touchy subject! I do think people have the right to plan their own wedding details, but I also think siblings are generally a given. Right? I'm so sorry you got hurt in this process ... do renttherunway.com and look fabulous!

September 8, 2010 at 8:53 AM  
Blogger MommyLovesStilettos said...

I agree!! And I think you should get an amazing dress and just have fun at the wedding. Try not to let it get to you. She clearly can't handle the fabulousness that is Shell! :)

September 8, 2010 at 9:05 AM  
Blogger Cristy said...

You have the right to be hurt and I think even say something about it! It's an unspoken rule of weddings that the siblings be in the wedding party! You either have NOBODY on the sides or at least include the siblings. That's just the way it is...and the way it should be!

September 8, 2010 at 9:07 AM  
Blogger MommaKiss said...

Oh it is SO your right to feel hurt. But let's talk abiut this dress. What color / cut are the bridesmaids? I may have a few options for you.

Congrats on 6 mos! That's awesome!!!!

September 8, 2010 at 9:31 AM  
Blogger An Imperfect Momma said...

I feel the same way as you. Family should be involved in the wedding somehow. I had my husbands SIL as a bridesmaid and we werent really close. Granted shes not exactly family...but you get my drift. There should have been something for you to do even if it was guest book attendant. We had my cousin do that and somehow (i guess in retailiation) he ended up in most of my wedding pictures. LOL.

September 8, 2010 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Maggie S said...

OUCH. Your are really grown up to understand that it is her day, but it is also okay to feel how you feel. I am a lot older than you and I think I might not handle it so well.

September 8, 2010 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger Joy said...

I did include my soon to be SIL in my bridal party we weren't all that close since she lived hours away.

I say find out what the bridesmaids will be wearing find something WAY more fabulous and show up looking amazing in a dress that you will be able to wear again unlike the bridesmaids who you know will never wear that dress again!

September 8, 2010 at 11:05 AM  
Blogger Us said...

Stopping by from SITS. I love the idea of pouring your heart out. It's cathartic.

It is the bride's right to choose her wedding party, but I would be pretty stung too. Hopefully you can get all the hurt out of the way and enjoy the wedding when it rolls around. Looking fantastic is sweet revenge... ;)

September 8, 2010 at 11:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you are hurt. When I got married, my Mom talked me into having my younger cousin stand up because we grew up together even though we hadn't been close for a few years and I didn't want to hurt our Grandma etc. After, we had become close again. The time came for his Wedding and I wasn't asked to stand up and Buggie wasn't even asked to be a flower girl. Even though he and his wife spent every weekend with us I was however, allowed to make the flower arrangements, free of charge of course. It felt like I was being used.

I hope you can have a nice time at his wedding and the hurt goes away soon.

September 8, 2010 at 12:07 PM  
Blogger Andrea (ace1028) said...

These sentences are hitting me at the core of my being today:

"And even though we have the right to make the choices we did, the people who get hurt by those choices....well, they have the right to feel hurt.

Because one of the choices that we are allowed to make is how we feel about something. We're allowed to feel hurt by a choice someone made. Whether we understand their choice or if we think they are wrong, we're allowed to feel sad about it."

I started my post for this, but can't finish it right now, too heavy for my heart. But you're SO right. We're allowed to be hurt by things, it's how we DEAL with the hurt, how we respond to it, you're not throwing a total fit and scratching her eyes out [even if you want to!] ...

So, what color are they wearing? My mom just told me I have one dress from when I was my BFF's bridesmaid and it's in NY, but I'm sure you'd have to take it in, A LOT. But it's really pretty, and if you want it it's yours. :) Honest! ;>

September 8, 2010 at 12:22 PM  
Blogger Salt said...

I'd feel the same way as you do. When I was younger, my last stepmother didn't ask me to be a part of the wedding when she married my father and I was so hurt by it.

September 8, 2010 at 12:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're so hurt. Sometimes people can be so self-centered or even oblivious to others' feelings. This situation stinks. Yes, a fabulous dressed is called for, as well as a happy face at the wedding!

September 8, 2010 at 12:27 PM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

I know how you feel girl. When my younger brother got married, I was not asked to be in his wedding. It was pretty sad especially since both my brothers were in my wedding party. To make the sting that much worse, during the photos of family and wedding party his wife never had them call for a photo with his siblings. So it was as if I was never there. Sad..so sad. It still bothers me to this day.
We have to right to be sad and hurt about it. I hope you find that fabulous dress and rock their socks off! You didn't want that hideous bridesmaid dress anyways, what the heck would you did with it anyways??! lol!

September 8, 2010 at 12:33 PM  
Blogger Helene said...

What a very powerful statement...we do have the right to allow ourselves to feel hurt. We can't help it...we're only human. I totally understand your point of view. It seems logical to ask a sibling to be part of the wedding...even a very simple part. It's the thought that means the most, more than anything. I can see why you'd be hurt.

September 8, 2010 at 12:35 PM  
Blogger Bloggin in PA said...

I agree with you. Even though its her right to choose- family should be taken into consideration! I like how you explain it, too. The pictures will show who was in it, but in 25 years you may not even be friends with those people.

September 8, 2010 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Nancy C said...

Your kind heart comes out in this. Family is tough. We've talked about this via Twitter before. I've actually been putting a lot of prayer and thought into why I allow my family to hurt my feelings.

I'm not sure what I can say to help, because I'm dealing with this myself, except that you're not alone.

September 8, 2010 at 1:14 PM  
Blogger Tylaine said...

Love your last line!
It's so hard when someone makes a choice like that but you're right it is their choice and we need to respoect that. Hopefully he won't regret it someday (although I think he will)

September 8, 2010 at 1:16 PM  
Blogger Hutch said...

It always bums me out when I hear about brothers or sisters not being in their siblings weddings. Hello, you've most likely known these people longer than anyone in your bridal party and definitely longer than your future spouse! Bridesmaid dresses usually suck anyway, you're gonna look 100x's better :)

September 8, 2010 at 1:23 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I have a feeling that I'm totally going to be that sister-in-law. The difference? Dearest's sister hasn't always been the nicest person to me. She's very selfish and self-centered about EVERYTHING, which drives me completely nuts.

I've always told him that I consider my (future) bridesmaids to be "my girls." You know, those people that will always be there no matter what and those that truly mean something to me. His sister has never even attempted to have any level of respect for me, therefore it's hard to find ANY reason to consider her one of "my girls."

I'm sorry that you're hurt by it, but I'm glad that you're trying to see all sides of the situation. Now flaunt that dress, girlfriend!

September 8, 2010 at 1:44 PM  
Blogger Life Without Pink said...

Awe you have the right to have hurt feelings..I know I would. Even though you might not be super close with them, family is there forever. Maybe they don't get that now but someone they might after they have a family of their own.

September 8, 2010 at 2:21 PM  
Blogger Aging Mommy said...

It's not the first time I've read a post along these lines. In England people pick friends over family as best man, ushers and bridesmaids. Often family members are included but not always and to be considered a best friend and not included in the party is far more likely to cause hurt than a family member not being included. But I think as you have said, it is the right of the bride and groom to choose the people who mean the very most to them to stand up there with them on their wedding day. Family will always be family but I think honoring your very best friends is something very special to be able to do. I can understand you being hurt but I don't imagine your future SIL set out to make you feel that way at all.

September 8, 2010 at 2:37 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Yep, you sure do have the right to feel hurt. Absolutely. And I'm sorry this has happened. So now get yourself something fab - and outshine the bride! ;)

September 8, 2010 at 2:37 PM  
Blogger Babes Mami said...

We must start scouting dresses now! You have ever right to be hurt, I would be hurt too. If one of my brothers gets married without at least asking me to be in it I will be very sad.

September 8, 2010 at 2:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, sticky, touchy, and you do have the right to be hurt. I used to think people always included family members before others. :(

So glad you started this meme for those that want to pour out things like this or lighter noted things. I love reading everyone's post.

September 8, 2010 at 3:07 PM  
Blogger Sharlene T. said...

I totally agree that you have the right to feel hurt, along with your final statement... but, I'm confused with alot of the statements here... are all bridges total islands unto themselves in planning their weddings, today? do their mothers not have any input? to guide them? wedding planners? family should always be included in milestone photos -- if they're living, because they will be the only ones who follow you through the ages... friends come and go, like incomes (and, sometimes, because of incomes!)... that said, there is also such a thing as vindictive influences on young brides... mothers are mothers, but they're not perfect and they certainly aren't right about everything -- but, in many instances, they do control the purse strings and will make the final decision on who can and cannot be a part of a wedding...
if none of that has occurred, what's wrong with simple communication? if you're hurt by the choice, why not ask the brother or future SIL why you weren't included? could be, they just weren't thinking...

September 8, 2010 at 3:30 PM  
Blogger chele said...

Oh, you have every right to be hurt, my friend. I remember when my best friend (who is a man) got married almost 20 years ago. He insisted that I be in the wedding as a bridesmaid. His wife-to-be wasn't thrilled because she barely knew me. But it was HIS wedding too and he wanted his best friend to be part of the ceremony. And I was. It was awesome. I got the dirtiest looks from the bride's female family members but I didn't care. I was there for my friend.

September 8, 2010 at 3:48 PM  
Blogger Megan M. said...

I hear you, Shell, and honestly, the hurt doesn't ever really get better on this one.
I've bitten my tongue for 4 years now over the EXACT.SAME.THING. My now sister-in-law even had a girl who she didn't really like at all standing up with her, only because she was engaged to one of my brother's dearest friends.
My children, all three of them, were in the wedding. My other brother was the best man. Me? I watched. I made a beautiful slideshow of their childhood pictures. I ran back and forth with messages from the women to the men. I helped the ladies dress, and do makeup and hair.

And then.

I went home and tried not to cry about the fact that I felt like a servant as opposed to a loved member of the family. I tried to feel appreciated as opposed to snubbed.

It didn't work.

September 8, 2010 at 5:22 PM  
Blogger Rose Graves said...

Wow, I have the same story. Super rude! I'm sorry I don't have a fabulous dress for you, I hope you find one ;D

September 8, 2010 at 5:37 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

I feel the same way you do...that immediate family really should be included in the wedding in some capacity! Even if it's a fake position ;)

You rock that hot dress, girl! I know you'll find the perfect one.

I'm sending you hugs. I would be hurt, too.

September 8, 2010 at 6:10 PM  
Blogger Mellodee said...

She might just be totally clueless about what is "proper". Does she have sisters herself? Is the wedding party large? Her reasoning could make all the difference. If it was just thoughtless, that one thing, but if it was an indication of her feelings toward you, I would guess its gonna get worse after she marries your brother!

September 8, 2010 at 8:16 PM  
Blogger Stacey said...

I'm sure she's looking at it as her wedding and all that, but my brother was automatically in my wedding and I was automatically in his...even though I didn't necessarily agree with him getting married at the time! I just think that's how it works with siblings, no matter how far apart they live.

September 8, 2010 at 9:33 PM  
Blogger Stasha said...

I am sorry that your feelings got hurt!

I think sometimes people do hurtful things without really realizing that they're being hurtful... If you're comfortable, say something to your brother about it... Maybe he is just trying to let her 'have her day' and doesn't want to speak how he feels about it to keep from upsetting her?

September 8, 2010 at 9:46 PM  
Blogger Emmy said...

Oh yes rock your dress! And yes it is completely your right to feel hurt. I am glad you aren't going to try and ruin their day ;)

September 8, 2010 at 11:13 PM  
Blogger Chic Mamá said...

For these events I would definitely have family involved.
I know it must really sadden you but I'm glad you realize people have their choices and they may hurt others along the way. Enjoy the wedding and share the happiness for now, I'm sure there will be many other events you can take part in. Plus I bet you'll look 10 times more gorgeous than those bridesmaids!

PS . I bet she can't come up with a great meme like this one. I'll be sure to join next week. Does it last until Thursday?

September 8, 2010 at 11:50 PM  
Blogger WhisperingWriter said...

You definately have a right to be hurt. I certainly would.

September 9, 2010 at 12:05 AM  
Blogger Lourie said...

I hear ya. It would be hard not to be hurt...so yeah your feelings are justifiable. Hmmmm...don't have a fab dress at all...but I do hope you find one. Pictures please!

September 9, 2010 at 1:33 AM  
Blogger For the Love of Naps - Sarah said...

I totally agree with everything you said. I do have 1 bridesmaid that I can't even locate to keep in touch. Yes, I think of the siblings in the wedding as people who will always be there and who are friendships that are going to grow. You are allowed all those feelings you mentioned and you are such a good person for knowing when to let those feelings be so you don't cause issues with the bride and groom. Good thoughts.

September 9, 2010 at 7:46 AM  
Blogger Heidi said...

Sorry your feelings are hurt, hon. That's tough. Weddings can get tricky for sure and I think whom one chooses to be in their wedding party is largely related to what phase of life you find yourself in.

Also, though your brother may have very well have thought it would be nice to have you in a more prominent role, you never know where your new sis in law is in life. Maybe she has a lot of good friends or close family she feels pressure to include, yet wants a small bridal party???

A good friend of mine is getting married in Oct. I've had many conversations w/her about her bridal party. She has 3 sisters and would have liked to have kept her bridal party small with only them standing up w/her, but her sis in laws expressed (or complained to her future in-laws rather) that they were hurt and she then felt pressured to include. It was partly a financial choice too because they are paying for the dresses/tuxes for their bridal party and now they need to pay for more that they were not planning on.

September 9, 2010 at 9:01 AM  
Blogger Christa Terry said...

Your post reminds me of my own wedding, except my situation was kind of the reverse. Sort of. See, I also assumed I'd have some of my six siblings in our wedding party and that my man would have his sister. So he ended up with my brother as a groomsman and a friend as best man and I had my sister as MOH and my man's sister as a bridesmaid. My man was happy with his friend and my brother, but every time I think about my wedding, I get sad that I treated my choice of attendants as a family obligation. Neither my sister or my SIL bought the dresses I asked for - they took forever to buy anything and then chose whatever they felt like. They never offered to even look at stuff with me. My sister tried to throw me a shower but didn't even send invitations to most of my friends. And my SIL made me cry at my wedding! If I could go back and do it again, I'd do it all differently.

September 9, 2010 at 1:46 PM  
Blogger carina said...

Stopping by from SITS and loving your blog. Weddings are so tricky. I would feel exactly the same way you do right now... thanks for sharing and so glad I found you!

September 9, 2010 at 2:28 PM  
Blogger cornflakegirl74 said...

This is so strange, I was just talking to a close friend about this very thing, although in her case it was her cousin (who she is extremely close with) and he didn't ask her to be in his wedding.

You have every right to be upset. I know that I would be, too. I think you're onto something by upstaging the bride though. Make sure to find a fabulous dress, get your hair/makeup done, and walk in with your head held high. I'm sorry you have to experience this though, I really am. You deserve better and you seem like such a sweet person so I can't understand a snub like this. Understand that it's NOT you, but and who knows what's going on with your brother's fiance. Hang in there, girl!

September 9, 2010 at 8:51 PM  
Blogger cornflakegirl74 said...

This is so strange, I was just talking to a close friend about this very thing, although in her case it was her cousin (who she is extremely close with) and he didn't ask her to be in his wedding.

You have every right to be upset. I know that I would be, too. I think you're onto something by upstaging the bride though. Make sure to find a fabulous dress, get your hair/makeup done, and walk in with your head held high. I'm sorry you have to experience this though, I really am. You deserve better and you seem like such a sweet person so I can't understand a snub like this. Understand that it's NOT you, but and who knows what's going on with your brother's fiance. Hang in there, girl!

September 9, 2010 at 8:51 PM  
Blogger Michaela (aka Mama Michie) said...

Shell, I could have written this too. My brother got married last November and none of his sisters were in the wedding (there's 3 of us). Neither my niece nor my son were in the wedding either and they would have been the perfect flower girl and ring bearer.
To say that we, his sisters, were upset is an understatement. We didn't let that ruin the day though.
When my brother and his fiancé/wife went behind my moms back and changed the site for the rehearsal dinner without telling her... though he did call to tell me and my sisters 10 minutes before the dinner... we got hurt and upset, but didn't let those feelings ruin their day either.
I'm sorry that you're going through this! It's a crappy way to feel. I hope you rock that dress!!

September 10, 2010 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Oh boy... I'm feeling SO out of the loop this week. I think the long holiday weekend has me distorted at work and I missed Pour Your Heart Out!!! Ack...

Reading this, I completely understand your hurt in this. I think my feelings would be really hurt as well. Sometimes they just don't get it, but you're right... later on in life this might be a regret she'll have.

September 10, 2010 at 3:54 PM  
Blogger Helena said...

Oh Shell, I understand. My sister got married 6 weeks after me. When I got engaged, she joked about how she expected to be a bridesmaid. It was funny, because I would never think of doing it a different way! My sisters are my best friends. We were bridesmaids in our sister Amber's wedding, they were going to be bridesmaids in mine.

But then a few weeks later, Chantel got engaged (to a guys she had met 15 days before), and she became too busy with her own plans to really help out with mine. Which was ok. I still tried to include her, but I understood that she was busy.

And then, she decided that she didn't want bridesmaids. When she told me, I thought she was joking. But she wasn't.

She started planning her wedding with his 6 sisters, and completely shut Amber and me out.

We were hurt and confused, and I still get sad when I remember it. I try not to let it effect us now, but sometimes I can't help it.

September 17, 2010 at 11:51 AM  

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