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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My Story: Limbo

She wanted to tell him, wanted to make him hurt like she hurt.

But, mostly, she just wanted to go back to him. Go back and have things be like they were the first year that they were together.

And so, she didn't tell him about Mack. 

Just the knowledge of what she had done was enough for her to realize that she couldn't go back.

They'd talk on the phone and sometimes it was like they were newly dating. And then other times, it was like a constant battle, with the person who showed they cared the least winning.

It was rarely her. She cared too much.

At times, she could see glimpses of the life she might have if she did leave him for good.  And it looked promising. She could see how she might be happy without him.

But, without him? She didn't want that. No. It wasn't possible to be happy without him.

Her roommate came home one afternoon to find her sitting in the hall, sobbing so hard that she couldn't speak.

The anniversary of their engagment passed and she couldn't believe it: it felt like much more than just a year had passed.

If they had loved so much, if she had loved him with everything that she had, if it had been such an all-consuming love....and it still fell apart, how could any relationship work, ever?

She knew she couldn't go back to him, but she still wanted to. She wished that it things could go back to how they were.

But, the longer she was away from him, the more that she saw that she was doing the right thing. Even though it hurt.

But, a test was coming: she needed to go back up to get more of her things.

Her roommate asked her if she was really going to be able to leave him again.

"I'm coming back....I think...."

If you missed any of the story of my past, where yes, I talk about myself in the third person, you can check out these links to get caught up:

10 Days After the Hurricane
Was It a Big Mistake?
A Romance Grows
And Then He Left Her
She Moves for Him
The Waiting Game
The Engagement
The Year It All Goes Wrong
The Break
The Worst Thing She Ever Did



Blogger Cristina said...

oh my.. I've been reading along but haven't commented. The pain is so real :(
Can't wait to read more

December 28, 2010 at 7:29 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

We don't always understand "why" right away... or ever. But we know who sees the end from the beginning.

December 28, 2010 at 8:28 AM  
Blogger FreeFlying said...

Ouch. Is there anything more painful than the end of your first real love? I swear, it took me seven years to get over it.

December 28, 2010 at 8:43 AM  
Blogger Evonne said...

Ack! I hate cliffhangers!

Change can be such a hard thing. I can't wait to read what happens next!

December 28, 2010 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger Di said...

Are you really going to make me wait a week to see what happens next? AAAAAHHHHH!:)

December 28, 2010 at 8:58 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

It's so unsettling to not know what to expect. Even from yourself. Can't wait to read more.

December 28, 2010 at 9:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't wait to find out if you told him.

December 28, 2010 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Oka said...

Wonder why we want others to hurt when we are hurting? Is it just the pain infliction, we don't want to suffer alone. or that we think they will get it and change?

December 28, 2010 at 9:43 AM  
Blogger Melinda said...

I know what happens, obviously, but you still have me on the edge of my seat ...

Change is always painful, especially when it concerns matters of the heart -- emotions usually cloud common sense, in my experience!

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas with your family! ;)

December 28, 2010 at 10:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So so hard.

December 28, 2010 at 10:15 AM  
Anonymous Kimberly said...

I can't even fathom being in a relationship and watching it dissolve. That must have been so difficult.

December 28, 2010 at 10:17 AM  
Blogger Pamela Gold said...

This is juicy, I'll be checking out the back blogs for sure!

December 28, 2010 at 10:50 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Those are the worst moments- knowing what's best but not being able to handle it emotionally. When I went through my horrible break-up, I used to wake up in the middle of the night, my face all wet because I'd been crying so hard, in my sleep. Can't wait to read the next part.

December 28, 2010 at 11:19 AM  
Blogger TheBabyMammaChronicles said...

Shell, I'm ready for this to start getting better, less painful, more happy for you and I am sure that you are too! Big hugs sweetie!

December 28, 2010 at 12:03 PM  
Blogger Kir said...

I felt every bit of that with you...mostly because we all (most of of us) have been there...where we don't know where to go. We know that going back is wrong, but where do we go from there?
I love the story and you for telling it. :)

December 28, 2010 at 12:11 PM  
Blogger Jackie said...

Ugg.. and you leave us hanging yet again!

I really do enjoy reading your story and I like how it's written in 3rd person!

December 28, 2010 at 12:12 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Sigh. SO painful.

December 28, 2010 at 2:23 PM  
Anonymous Craig said...

Oh Shell, those phone battles, I’ve had them, and lost – everybody loses in them. And seriously Shell, stopping where you did?! I’m beside myself with curiosity. Clever, fox like, and minxy writing. Grrrrr.

God Bless and Keep

December 28, 2010 at 2:40 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I can't wait to read what happens next. I hope the things were there.

December 28, 2010 at 4:04 PM  
Blogger mypixieblog said...

Wow, Shell... This really touches on a nerve for me, but I always love your story telling and am riveted, as usual. That is such a terrible feeling, to know that what we want serves us no good. It has the tendency to make us act in ways that are completely uncharacteristic. Look forward to the next installment!!!

December 28, 2010 at 4:45 PM  
Blogger Cheeseboy said...

This is pretty juicy stuff. Now I must go back to the old posts and see why. I'll catch up.

December 28, 2010 at 7:21 PM  
Blogger Joey Lynn Resciniti said...

I feel like I went through this a little, but we were only 17 during our breakup. I think it's more painful, or would be, as a grown up.

December 28, 2010 at 8:11 PM  
Blogger Macey said...

OH, such a little teaser!! I need more. LOL

December 28, 2010 at 8:16 PM  
Blogger Babes Mami said...

I find it so much easier to talk about some things in third person. Removes you from it a bit.

December 28, 2010 at 8:51 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Oh honey - I feel your pain. To break up, or not. I haven't quite been in the same situation that you were here, but close. Oh, the heartbreak!

December 28, 2010 at 9:02 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Oh no! I hope you passed with flying colors!

December 28, 2010 at 9:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just want to read MORE!!!!!

December 29, 2010 at 12:12 AM  
Blogger Sandra said...

I love how you say "where yes, I talk about myself in the third person!" It's definitely a riveting part of your life Shell. It's very generous of you to share it with us...now more more!

December 29, 2010 at 12:38 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Such a tease. I want more! :-)

December 29, 2010 at 8:47 AM  
Blogger Frugal Vicki said...

Oh my gosh, my heart hurts so much for that poor girl sobbing in the hall. Brings up some memories, for all of us, I am sure

December 29, 2010 at 9:54 AM  
Blogger Emmy said...

Thank you thank you for sharing your story. It could be a movie!

December 29, 2010 at 2:50 PM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

This sounds like a painful part coming up. As if some of the other parts weren't already full of hurt. I'm sure writing this has been part painful and relief.

December 30, 2010 at 10:58 PM  

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