The Worst Thing She Ever Did

She rushed out of the house, not sure what the hell she had been doing. Did she really just do that? She was hurt and not thinking straight. She wasn't acting like herself.


"Em, wait up," she heard Jeff call.


Not wanting to deal with her fiance's friend, she fumbled to unlock her truck and get out of there.


But he was faster than she was and grabbed her arm and turned her around. "What the hell do you think you are doing, Em?"


Yanking her arm free, she whirled around and smirked, "You know what I was doing."


But, her smirk quickly faded when he told her, "We all know what you were doing with Mack."


She never thought of herself as someone who could use someone else. Or to do what she had just done.  And especially with Mack.  Poor Mack who had had a crush on her since X had first introduced the two more than a year ago.


"Do you want to talk?" Jeff asked, gesturing toward the porch swing.


She stomped back toward the house and flopped down on the swing.


"X doesn't care what I'm doing," she defended.


"But, you're still engaged," he tapped the ring on her left ring finger.


"I took it off when I was with Mack.  I put it on his nightstand.  Almost left it there, too. It's not like it means anything any more," she tried to defend herself.  But, the look on his face told her that she wasn't going to get off that easily.


"Are you going to tell X?" she asked, hoping the answer would be yes. "And while you're at it, tell him that Mack was really good."


Jeff or any of his friends telling X what had happened would end their engagement for good.  She had known that this break was really a break-up, but neither she nor he could admit it. He was still arrogant enough to believe she would come back even though he didn't act like he loved her any more. He thought he could keep on treating her like that, but that she couldn't stay away.


He was probably right.  It would take strength she didn't think she had to leave him for good. 


If only Jeff or even Mack told X about what had just happened, she wouldn't have to worry about finding that strength; he would be furious with her and not want her back.


But, Jeff just shook his head. "He'd drive down here and kick my ass for not stopping it. And he'd probably kill Mack."


"You're wrong. He wouldn't care.  He's not in love with me any more."


And with that, all her anger, self-righteousness, and fight left her.  She was only left with the pain.


"X hasn't touched me in months. At all.  He didn't care that we are taking this break and he won't care if I never came back," she whispered.


She'd felt alone for so long, invisible.  And Mack gave her attention.  He made her feel special again, wanted.  She needed that.  Knowing that X hated Mack just made it feel even sweeter.


"None of us knew what you were doing with Mack....well, we knew what you were doing, just not why."


"None of you? You mean you were all talking about it?" even though some part of her wanted all of X's old friends to know just what she and Mack had been doing, the part of her who knew that this wasn't really her was horrified that they would all be talking about it.


"You and Mack weren't exactly subtle. You know he really likes you," he told her.


"I know. And that makes it worse. I shouldn't have let anything happen."


"What are you going to do? Leave X and take up with Mack?"


She buried her face in her hands.  "I've really screwed this up.  I'm not looking for a new relationship.  I just needed to feel like I mattered, even if it was just for a night.  And it felt good.  I felt good for the first time in months."


She wanted a way to make sure that she wouldn't or couldn't go back to X. To do something so awful that he would never forgive her and that she couldn't forgive herself for.  Even if he never found out, she would know. And she wouldn't be able to go back.


Mack came out on the porch then.  Leaning down, he kissed her and then turned to glare at Jeff, daring him to say something.


Instead, Jeff stood up and went back into the house without a word.


Mack sat down beside her and pulled her to him.  She let herself be held.  The months of living with a fiance who flinched if she so much as accidentally brushed against him as they passed each other in the hall had taken their toll.


She buried her face in Mack's chest, his chin resting on the top of her head.   How was she going to tell this sweet guy the truth?  She'd only wanted to get away, but she'd made things even worse.


X used to adore her.  She had felt so loved.  She still didn't understand what had changed.  And she knew she couldn't go back to him.  But, she knew that she still wanted to. She still wanted it to work out.  Even though she also knew that going back could destroy her.


Mack...well, he had just had the misfortune to become a place for her land, arms to hold her, to touch her.  What a blow to X's ego if he found out that she had slept with Mack.  He'd never forgive that, ever.


She didn't know whether to be relieved about that or to wish that she could take it all back, to still be able to make things work with the only man she'd ever loved. 


If you missed any of the story of my past, where yes, I talk about myself in the third person, you can check out these links to get caught up:

10 Days After the Hurricane
Was It a Big Mistake?
A Romance Grows
And Then He Left Her
She Moves for Him
The Waiting Game
The Engagement
The Year It All Goes Wrong
The Break