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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Worst Thing She Ever Did

She rushed out of the house, not sure what the hell she had been doing. Did she really just do that? She was hurt and not thinking straight. She wasn't acting like herself.


"Em, wait up," she heard Jeff call.


Not wanting to deal with her fiance's friend, she fumbled to unlock her truck and get out of there.


But he was faster than she was and grabbed her arm and turned her around. "What the hell do you think you are doing, Em?"


Yanking her arm free, she whirled around and smirked, "You know what I was doing."


But, her smirk quickly faded when he told her, "We all know what you were doing with Mack."


She never thought of herself as someone who could use someone else. Or to do what she had just done.  And especially with Mack.  Poor Mack who had had a crush on her since X had first introduced the two more than a year ago.


"Do you want to talk?" Jeff asked, gesturing toward the porch swing.


She stomped back toward the house and flopped down on the swing.


"X doesn't care what I'm doing," she defended.


"But, you're still engaged," he tapped the ring on her left ring finger.


"I took it off when I was with Mack.  I put it on his nightstand.  Almost left it there, too. It's not like it means anything any more," she tried to defend herself.  But, the look on his face told her that she wasn't going to get off that easily.


"Are you going to tell X?" she asked, hoping the answer would be yes. "And while you're at it, tell him that Mack was really good."


Jeff or any of his friends telling X what had happened would end their engagement for good.  She had known that this break was really a break-up, but neither she nor he could admit it. He was still arrogant enough to believe she would come back even though he didn't act like he loved her any more. He thought he could keep on treating her like that, but that she couldn't stay away.


He was probably right.  It would take strength she didn't think she had to leave him for good. 


If only Jeff or even Mack told X about what had just happened, she wouldn't have to worry about finding that strength; he would be furious with her and not want her back.


But, Jeff just shook his head. "He'd drive down here and kick my ass for not stopping it. And he'd probably kill Mack."


"You're wrong. He wouldn't care.  He's not in love with me any more."


And with that, all her anger, self-righteousness, and fight left her.  She was only left with the pain.


"X hasn't touched me in months. At all.  He didn't care that we are taking this break and he won't care if I never came back," she whispered.


She'd felt alone for so long, invisible.  And Mack gave her attention.  He made her feel special again, wanted.  She needed that.  Knowing that X hated Mack just made it feel even sweeter.


"None of us knew what you were doing with Mack....well, we knew what you were doing, just not why."


"None of you? You mean you were all talking about it?" even though some part of her wanted all of X's old friends to know just what she and Mack had been doing, the part of her who knew that this wasn't really her was horrified that they would all be talking about it.


"You and Mack weren't exactly subtle. You know he really likes you," he told her.


"I know. And that makes it worse. I shouldn't have let anything happen."


"What are you going to do? Leave X and take up with Mack?"


She buried her face in her hands.  "I've really screwed this up.  I'm not looking for a new relationship.  I just needed to feel like I mattered, even if it was just for a night.  And it felt good.  I felt good for the first time in months."


She wanted a way to make sure that she wouldn't or couldn't go back to X. To do something so awful that he would never forgive her and that she couldn't forgive herself for.  Even if he never found out, she would know. And she wouldn't be able to go back.


Mack came out on the porch then.  Leaning down, he kissed her and then turned to glare at Jeff, daring him to say something.


Instead, Jeff stood up and went back into the house without a word.


Mack sat down beside her and pulled her to him.  She let herself be held.  The months of living with a fiance who flinched if she so much as accidentally brushed against him as they passed each other in the hall had taken their toll.


She buried her face in Mack's chest, his chin resting on the top of her head.   How was she going to tell this sweet guy the truth?  She'd only wanted to get away, but she'd made things even worse.


X used to adore her.  She had felt so loved.  She still didn't understand what had changed.  And she knew she couldn't go back to him.  But, she knew that she still wanted to. She still wanted it to work out.  Even though she also knew that going back could destroy her.


Mack...well, he had just had the misfortune to become a place for her land, arms to hold her, to touch her.  What a blow to X's ego if he found out that she had slept with Mack.  He'd never forgive that, ever.


She didn't know whether to be relieved about that or to wish that she could take it all back, to still be able to make things work with the only man she'd ever loved. 


If you missed any of the story of my past, where yes, I talk about myself in the third person, you can check out these links to get caught up:

10 Days After the Hurricane
Was It a Big Mistake?
A Romance Grows
And Then He Left Her
She Moves for Him
The Waiting Game
The Engagement
The Year It All Goes Wrong
The Break

Labels:

43 Comments:

Blogger Oka said...

Wow, you just brought back a flood of emotions. This was very similar to my story.

December 21, 2010 at 7:12 AM  
Blogger Cristina said...

wow, I can feel the loneliness in your words.

December 21, 2010 at 7:29 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

Wow -what a story! Can't wait to read what happens next.

December 21, 2010 at 7:30 AM  
Blogger Jenny said...

wow is right...i definitely can feel all the emotions you were going through...in all fairness i feel like you needed mack at that time, hopefully he understood.

December 21, 2010 at 8:05 AM  
Blogger FreeFlying said...

Oh my goodness, I hate you! It's Christmas, woman. I don't have time to be reading every single one of those back links. Yet, what choice do I have when you write it all so compellingly? Now, tell me the ending so I can get away from this site and go be productive!

December 21, 2010 at 8:19 AM  
Blogger MrsJenB said...

So sad. I can't imagine the loneliness you must have felt.

December 21, 2010 at 9:35 AM  
Blogger Brittney said...

you are such a good writer, i could def feel the emotion!

December 21, 2010 at 10:04 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Parts of this remind me so much of my younger self. My heart is breaking with yours because I've made that choice so many times.. just so I could feel loved or special even if for the night.

December 21, 2010 at 10:14 AM  
Blogger The Random Blogette said...

Wow! Every time I read a new part of this story I feel like I am there watching every moment in person.

December 21, 2010 at 10:20 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

What I would do for a fling with Mack right now! Live it up before you get married Em!!

December 21, 2010 at 10:26 AM  
Blogger The Mommyologist said...

I have a "Mack" or two in my past as well...sigh.

Great story though...I am anxious to hear how this all ends!!

December 21, 2010 at 10:29 AM  
Blogger Jackie said...

Okay... how long do we have to wait for the next part???

December 21, 2010 at 10:46 AM  
Blogger Diane said...

I can really relate to this story. It's making my heart hurt a little bit.

December 21, 2010 at 10:52 AM  
Blogger The Double Dipped Life said...

Wait?!? Did I miss something? Who is Mack? How did you get together? Great story; it just seems like I'm missing a part!

December 21, 2010 at 10:59 AM  
Blogger Kmama said...

Oh wow. Now there was a twist. I can't wait for the next part.

December 21, 2010 at 11:09 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

The stuff we do when we're young.

It makes me glad I'm not anymore, just for that one thing.

December 21, 2010 at 11:33 AM  
Anonymous Kimberly said...

This is so saucy...at your expense...sorry...you just write it so well and I am hooked.
Mistakes are made by all of us.

December 21, 2010 at 11:37 AM  
Blogger Stasha said...

Oh Mama! I can only imagine how you must have felt. Angry at him for not wanting you any more. Angry at yourself for letting this happen.

I know it hurt. But you have to remember that the things that happened in the past are what helped to make you who you are now...

December 21, 2010 at 12:07 PM  
Anonymous Megan (Best of Fates) said...

I hate when people make me cry at work.

So I think you know I don't approve of this post.

(Though it's perfectly written, as usual.)

December 21, 2010 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

You are a amazing writer Shell. Very emotional. I can't wait to read the next part.

December 21, 2010 at 12:43 PM  
Blogger Hutch said...

I definitely didn't see this coming, but walking away really is so hard. Even when you know it's what needs to happen, the memory of what was keeps tugging back.

December 21, 2010 at 12:53 PM  
Blogger Shelley T. said...

I completely had to stop what I was doing and go back and read all the back story. Not sure how I missed it to begin with. It is breaking my heart and I cannot wait to hear the end.

December 21, 2010 at 12:56 PM  
Blogger Babes Mami said...

I agree with wow and you are amazing with your writing. I can picture it in my head and see everything unfolding. I think I may have missed the previous part so I will have to read that one!

December 21, 2010 at 12:59 PM  
Anonymous Making It Work Mom said...

You Poor Thing! Sometimes love sucks. Nothing is easy and you and Mr. X are certainly taking the long and hard road to happiness.

December 21, 2010 at 1:07 PM  
Blogger Just Another Mom of 2 said...

You are amazing to be able to share these details. I actually got chills at some of the similarities to my own past. You are so brave to put out the details of something so personal and painful- and you continue to have us each waiting for more.

December 21, 2010 at 2:17 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

WOW!

Seriously, I never think there could be a bigger twist ahead, but, alas, I'm proven wrong. :)

December 21, 2010 at 2:54 PM  
Blogger Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

Ugh! What are you doing????

December 21, 2010 at 3:19 PM  
Blogger Go Mommy said...

Okay, so now you are making me need to read more, like when I read a Nicholas Sparks novel, can't put it down once I start!!! Urgh, I NEED more please!

December 21, 2010 at 3:43 PM  
Blogger MiMi said...

I'm with Go Mommy! I need more now. :)

December 21, 2010 at 3:48 PM  
Blogger MsBabyPlan said...

You bring such emotions! Although it's your real life story it reads like a novel.

Thanks for sharing, Please give us more

December 21, 2010 at 5:49 PM  
Anonymous Craig said...

Shell,

As one with cracks on my heart that surround it like the dry, split, and gashed desert ground. I hear every. single. word. of this story.

The times I was said goodbye to. And the times when I made it so I wouldn’t have to be the one to say goodbye.

My heart has grown since then, so much so that it hurts almost as bad - hearing someone else tell the same story. God Bless.

December 21, 2010 at 5:57 PM  
Blogger Ma What's 4 dinner said...

Good stuff. Can't wait to read more. Such a great and somehow totally familiar story!

Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
www.mawhats4dinner.com

December 21, 2010 at 9:12 PM  
Blogger Venassa said...

Your story is so addicting. I'm just sad that it's a true story that happened to you. Still, you write it beautifully.

December 21, 2010 at 10:55 PM  
Blogger Emmy said...

Yes when this is all done I am going to sit down and read it all from the beginning again. Wow oh wow. I think we have all had someone in our lives at some point to try and fill some loneliness, even if it was just a friend.

December 22, 2010 at 1:23 AM  
Blogger From Tracie said...

So....total heartbreak.

:(

There is nothing easy or storybook about real relationships.

December 22, 2010 at 2:10 AM  
Blogger Erinsgobragh said...

Great writing girl! Amazing story!

December 22, 2010 at 9:42 AM  
Blogger Daisygirl said...

I can relate so much to your story. We all want to feel special to feel like we are the only ones in the whole world and when that feeling isn't there what do we do.

There should never be regret for things in the past there is a reason....thanks for sharing your story Shell.

December 22, 2010 at 11:26 AM  
Blogger DaisyGal said...

first, why is it the "WORST THING" you ever did? I think that trying to find solace in someone else's arms or bed is not "the worst thing" ..
I know you feel like you hurt Mack, hurt X, hurt yourself, but Shell sometimes you need to take care of yourself and your heart too.

I feel for Mack sure, but the "worst thing" no way...no ..way.

I have cheated on everyone I ever dated until I met my husband..Daddy issues, life issues, attention issues, Plan B issues...and while I know that I hurt those men, in their own way they hurt me too...if I cheated I was feeling invisable, alone, not wanted..and I wanted to be seen, held, wanted.


I know that sharing this had to hard, but I want ou to know that I think your sharing is BRAVe and amazing...just like you. I also think you're not giving yourself enough LOVE. You needed that time with Mack, to figure out that it wasn't where yu wanted to be and to find the life you needed to live.

HUGS :)

December 22, 2010 at 11:42 AM  
Blogger TheBabyMammaChronicles said...

We all make mistakes we aren't proud of. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. And, given the circumstances, I could understand how you could feel you needed that. I am sorry that this post has been so draining. I am proud of you for writing about it. I don't think I have the courage to write about my big mistake. Lots of hugs and warm thoughts your way!

December 22, 2010 at 3:37 PM  
Blogger Simoney said...

You tell this so well.
It must have been hard for you.
xx

December 22, 2010 at 5:10 PM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

Can't wait to read more! I can relate to many of the emotions in this one. Good job!

December 25, 2010 at 9:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I became a fan of yours on Facebook a couple of weeks ago, and finally got to read all of what you've written of your story. I can so relate to the too-good-to-be-true fairytale love story, and then the reality of things going terribly wrong, and then things falling somehow back in place. I, too, married a Marine in the midst of the fairytale, only for things to go "all wrong." We now have two beautiful daughters and 6 years of marriage under our belts, and I am happy to say that we are learning to grow together instead of apart, and our love continues to help us conquer all. We give all the glory to God for guiding us through the trials and triumphs. (Today is our 6th weddding anniversary, by the way :)

I look forward to reading more!

December 27, 2010 at 3:38 PM  
Blogger Lady Jennie said...

I'm finally getting caught up on your posts after being away, but it seems like I missed a section on how you ended up with Mack and I can't find it ... or did you jump into this without preamble?

January 13, 2011 at 7:44 AM  

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