Pour Your Heart Out: Doing It All
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I don't know how you do it all.
I hear that a lot. Do you?
Three small kids, the house, the husband, working from home, cooking, cleaning, blogging, twitter, keeping up with emails, and yet still having a life(and by life, I mean going to the gym, the grocery store, and all the places that I have to for my family- a mom's life).
I have two responses when someone says I don't know how you do it:
- I don't sleep.
- I don't do it all.
The first is only sort of a joke. I'm often up way too late, trying to get one more thing done.
But, the second is the reality.
I don't do it all.
I do a lot. But, it's never everything that I need to do. It's all a balancing act and determining which ball I can drop or put off juggling for a little bit.
From Friday through last night, I've been running non-stop: from a field trip for my kindergartener to a playground with my boys in the afternoon to a date with my husband on Friday and then I was out of town from Saturday afternoon until last night for #GEMomsperience(which was incredibly fabulous- but not a "Pour Your Heart Out" post so I'll tell you more about it another day).
Oh, and while we're adding to the insanity, let's throw in Blogger's crazy issues last week that still hasn't restored all of my comments from last Thursday and didn't allow me to post a BFF on Friday.
So, BEHIND is what you would call me. Even more right now then when I am being THAT MOM.
Instead of doing it all, I put out fires. What really needs to be done.
I couldn't tackle Mt. Clothesmore last night, but I could ensure that my boys had clean clothes to wear for school tomorrow. (Thanks to @oneandonlyoka for that term!)
I haven't been on email, twitter, or blogs much since last Wednesday. And while that tends to make me feel bad and guilty... I had to let go of that and think well, I'll just start fresh today.
Not having enough energy to do a truly heart pouring post today- there's always next week. Pour Your Heart Out Lite this week.
No gym for a week- I'll start again tomorrow.
Somehow, what needs to be done will get done. It won't be perfect and my to-do list will never end, but I've learned to laugh when someone implies I do it all.
And not to feel guilty when I can't do it all. I never expect someone else to do it all, so it's only fair to cut myself the same slack.
No more guilt.
Do you do it all? (I'll try hard not to call you a liar if you say YES) Do you feel bad when you can't do it all or have you let go of the guilt?
Labels: pour your heart out
posted by Shell at
7:00 AM
93 Comments:
You are so lovely. I love this very honest and beautiful post about just doing what we can. xoxo
I think as women we tend to believe we can do it all. But the fact is we need to learn to do what you are doing. Letting some things go and realizing we cannot be all , do all, go all. We are one person and one person has a breaking point, much shorter some days then we would like to believe.
Sometimes I think I HAVE to do it all, but in reality, if it doesn't get done today, I can still finish tomorrow, or the next day.
Same boat here... in a sense, yes, I do it all. There is no one else here to do any of it, but, like you, it's a matter of prioritizing what needs to be done when. It will never ALL get done... people don't get thank you notes or birthday cards, I'm bad at making phone calls, sometimes the bathrooms are dirty and the tables are dusty, but the kids are fed and happy, the bills are paid and I do make time for myself. 'Nough said!
Sorta Single Mom said it perfect...that's exactly my house...and I'm not even a single mom.
we moms are way harder on ourselves then we should be...and just because we all have that ONE friend that seemingly does it all doesn't make us worse moms...and if anyone make you feel that way, I think it's thier own insecurity coming out...
I hate the "I don't know how you do it." Especially since I have 2 kids with special needs. It to me is not a compliment but rather a " your kids look like a holy terror and i can't imagine ever having to live with them." Maybe I'm over reacting but that's just how I feel
Giving yourself room to just be is so important. I bet your guys want you time more than clean laundry although I bet it piled up while you were away!
Thank you for sharing your readers with me yesterday. They showed up in droves to share how much they enjoyed your post.
I guess you are expertly giving off the impression that you're doing it all!! :)
Mt. Clothesmore. Love it! We do what we can. Hang in there!
I am a world class Firemom at this point.
I have had a bad case of the guilts lately though. I took on a new volunteer position for my children's Pop Warner organization and it has kept me out of the house for several evenings for the past couple of weeks and my little one is just falling apart (so not used to it). I feel so guilty about it, but I also know she needs to develop some coping skills on her own and that once the season rolls around in August she will be so happy to have me so involved. Right now though it is like a knife in my heart.
I don't even try to do it all! I am over the moon when my mom or MIL come over now and start doing chores. I have no idea how you do squeeze in as much as you do into a day!
Even if someone says they do it all, they don't, they can't. Its not possible!
We do the best we can and go from there. I am sure you are doing all you can and deserve a few days off from everything :)
I can't take credit from Mt. Clothesmore, I got it from @PonderingMama.
I am often asked how I do it, funny things is I wonder the same about several people who ask me. To be honest, I am happiest when I am as busy as I currently am. Makes it easier to do as much as I do.
I don't and can't do it all. I don't think anyone really can. like you said, it's a balancing act, and what really needs to get done, gets done.
Just ask my floors that haven't been cleaned in well over a week.
Ah yeah I totally do NOT get it all done and I totally feel guilty about it! It is crazy, it is like I am programed to try to do more and more and then feel exhausted, guilty and depressed for not getting it all done. I have found that getting it all done is just NO fun!
We all are juggling and doing what we can and when we can.
You are right...we just do what we can...sometimes there will be dishes left in the sink or laundry not folded...but like you said at least there was a meal and clean clothes to wear! :) It is such a never-ending cycle!
I wish I could let go of the guilt. I try, but it is always there. I have a running to-do list that sprouts heads like the hydra - I can never cross off as many as I add every day :(
Perfect, honest post Shell. This is the balancing act we struggle with daily.
I do what I can and I try not to beat myself up over what I don't fit in. As long as no one is complaining, we're all good. Love your honest post, Shell.
It's crazy isn't it? I feel like all I do is run around and work like crazy all day long... and at night I look around and honestly feel as if I have accomplished nothing.
And I am so darn tired!
And I know... that someday the kids will be grown up and on their own and I will miss all of this craziness.... but right now I feel like somedays as if I am barely treading water!
My sister in law and I were just taling about something similiar last week. I think that women are hardwired to sacrifice themselves for everyone around them. It just IS that way. I never get it all done either and for the most part, I don't feel guilty because I do the best I can and that's that. Some days, I feel horrible that the house isn't sparkly and my laundry isn't washed, dried, ironed, and put away, but most days, yeah most days, I feel good that everyone has at least something to wear today and there are no dishes in the sink.
I have been letting Dave take the reigns a lot lately. He isn't always very happy about it but it is such a big help!
I was thinking about this the other day when I was packing up suitcases for the 3rd trip this month. I guess we just do what we need to do and don't think about it.
Hmm...I feel a post coming on...
Yes...putting out fires, that's what we do well. And that mountain of laundry? Some day it will be just a little hill. :)
I didn't get all my comments back either - I hate that!! You make such a great point here Shell. It is about the triage method. What is immediate? And a date with your husband??? YOU ARE DOING IT ALL:)
You are so very open and honest and I think what you are doing is great. You are a good mom and doing a great job. Blogging and all the stuff is the least of things
I hate when people say this to me! Especially when I think they have more on their plate than I do. I guess it's all about perspective.
I've learned to prioritize and accept that certain things have to wait. Even then I don't get it all done.
I don't even come close to doing it all. I am really good at pretending I do though ;)
There is no way that we can all do/juggle it all! I swear there just aren't enough hours in the day. I have let go of some of the guilt lately though...trying to re-prioritize and put the most important things first and not get so wrapped up in work, etc. Isn't always easy, but I'm trying!
I am committed to doing the best I can and forgiving myself for imperfection. We expect so much more from ourselves than we expect from anyone else. It isn't fair. (And -- I know -- no one said life is fair!) Treating ourselves with a little compassion is so important.
The controlling mcnasty inside of me is always tempting me to do more--take on more--to tell me that I'm somehow less of a mom, wife, or woman if I can't add one more scoop of this or that to my plate. But the voice to truth assures me it isn't what I do or who I am that matters. It's WHOSE I am. *I'm making a mental note--Jesus over laundry today*
Cheers to not doing it all!
I'm right there with you. Anyone who says they do it all is a liar. But I think as moms, we are all really good at pretending. We are all really good at looking like we do it all because no one but us sees Mt. Clothesmore in the basement or the email inbox with 100 unread emails or knows that the gym hasn't been visited in over a week.
I think being able to give ourselves grace and lots of fresh starts is hard to learn but freeing to be able to do. I've long since made peace with the dust bunnies and dirty dishes and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day to tackle them.
I'm lucky if I do half of it.
I do what is important. I hug and kiss my kids and husband. I make sure we are all fed and clean. Everything else is secondary. :)
I DO NOT do it all, I don't even try. I can't, it stresses me out to even think about it. (oh and the laundry, I just caught up with ours, my dryer broke last week so you can only imagine).
I don't have nearly the number of responsibilities you do, and I can't get it all done either. I think part of life is learning to prioritize the important things and let the other things get put on the back burner for a while. I think, too, we need to slow down and really take stock of what matters most and focus on that. We've got so many distractions these days, they take a lot away from the things that matter most!
Of course I do it all! That's why my son went to school this morning in the same shorts he wore yesterday. LOL!! "Mt. Clothesmore"...I am SOOOOOOOO using that. As you all know, I can't possibly do it all, though I only recently decided not to die trying. Thanks for your post, Shell.
Something is glitchy with the text in the box under the PYHO graphic. :)
I'm not getting it all done either. Right now I'm struggling more with anger at the person/people causing the majority of the extra work and stress in my life rather than guilt for not doing it all. Well ... except for the Gym. I feel guilty about skipping that! But I hear you! And I think you are AMAZING!
Great post. Any one who claims that they can do it all is insane. The rest of us just do what we can to keep up.
I love your post. Totally relate to your post. I get the same comment, "i don't know how you do it all". I do what I can and I have a Mt. Clothesmore as well that i still think at the bottom might be left something from last summer .. great term @oneandonlyoka.
I don't sleep either that is why we talk late night. I love the fact I can always bond with my blogging sisters that for sharing sis.
Love this! We can't do it all. If we did we would never sleep. It is a balancing act sometimes.
Great post! Thanks for the reminder about not being able to do it all...and doing what's most important first. Now, if we could just find a way to let go of that guilt, we'd be in business. :)
I can't imagine how much larger my Mt. Clothesmore will be once we have kids. Oye.
I stay home, and Lord knows for a fact, I can't do it all. And no, I do NOT feel guilty. I may be a parent, but I am still a human who has boundaries in their abilities. And that's okay.
Like I said in my post about the "Mommy Wars", I am NO better than the mom or dad standing next to me. Working or not, WE ALL as a parent have a hard job. Parenting is NOT easy for any one person. Or even two parents together.
I do what I can do, or am WILLING to do, seeing as for ME, my thought is just because I stay home, it gives the others who cohabitate (meaning the kids AND THE SPOUSE) in my residence the right or even the privilege to NOT pick up some of the slack.
They now are all of the ages to be for the most part self-sufficient and able to clean up after themselves. Why make ME do it all?
I'm a human being first, a mother second, a wife third. And they know this.
Your "lite" post ;-) was beautifully honest! We can't do it all - ever. And knowing how to juggle and keep our heads above the water is what is most important. Most days this is all we can do.
I don't do it all. But my Husband does! I don't know how he does it ... he's one of those rare people who can survive on 4-5 hours of sleep at night. He's amazing. Makes my life much easier!
I always laugh (a little bit hysterically) when people ask me how I do it all.
I don't.
I frankly feel my life is one big half-assed piece of work.
I can't put my all into ANYTHING...
but I keep trying. I keep juggling.
So far, I haven't lost anything yet! Perhaps my mind....
No one can do it all. And I've learned that as long as those really important things are done (like making sure that the husband has at least ONE pair of clean underwear), the rest will sit idly until I can get to it. I think you rock, Mama! And your family is super lucky to have you!
No, I don't get it all done, and there are days, even when I don't and am burnt out from all the things that I do do that I just need mental-floss, to vegetate.
Yes, I do feel bad at times when I don't, but I learned long ago that I'm not Super Mom/Wife/Woman, despite my desire to be. Like you said, there are times when I just have to spend my time putting out fires.
Perhaps, with time, my experiences of guilt, as a result,will become more few and far between...
Hang in there, Shell!
No, I don't do it all and yes, I truly feel guilty about it, because some piece of my life has been neglected or put aside. In the last two weeks, it has been my writing and blogging along with household maintenance (and some financial stuff) - all very, very important things to me. The guilt comes and goes, which means I haven't truly let go of it. I try. Ahhh...
Love this post. It so resonates with me right now because I've been feeling the stress of not being able to get things done or missing out on things because I got to them too late.
I like the "just start fresh today" motto. That's why you are successful at everything, 'cause you're ok with that. I love you....is that too intimate? Whatever, I so do!
I feel bad about complaining when I can't do it all. I just have my work and social life to balance!
I've had people ask me before how I do it all and the truth is I don't. I really don't think anyone can. We all make sacrifices somewhere.
I think anyone that "does it all" is either lying or does a poor job on everything as it is impossible. Yes, some balls (like the laundry) just need to fall flat on their faces sometimes.
I hope things slow down a bit for you
it would appear that I sacrificed my husband ...
I just don't seem to have him on my "TO DO" list ;)
No, I can't do it all. I get sick (literally) when I try to and that's not worth it. There are weeks where I have TONS of down time and my house is sparkling clean. There are other days when I have too much on my plate and my house is a mess. You do what you can!
P.S. My PYHO post is the skinny version today, too. ;)
Well, geez, Shell, I just have to be reminded every day that I am not the only one who doesn't get it all done. This post just made me feel so much better.
I can't/don't do it all, either. It's too much. I don't think any of us ever really gets everything done all the time. We wish we could, but it's just not humanly possible, especially for ONE PERSON. But I think we all have the Supermom complex--we all think we're supposed to be perfect and get everything accomplished and smell & look pretty all the time. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
Thanks for saying it LOUD and PROUD, my dear!
here's the problem (Shy smile) you did just prove you can do it all..because you wrote this from a really HONEST place..a place where not everything GETS done and it's ok.
I know that in the midst of all you do it seems like you're not getting it all done, but you are. Look at you..GORGEOUS, look at this blog: AMAZING, look at your kiddos: FANTASTIC and as another mom who worries that I'm not doing "enough" I also know that the things I GET DONE..are more than enough for everyone.
I consider you one of my "hero moms" because even when you're not doing it all...you're doing enough to earn my respect and awe. :)
Definitely not! What people don't see is that there's at least one basket of laundry that needs to be folded, a dishwasher that needs unloading, my workspace is a chronic mess, and when we're not expecting anyone? The house is just this side of disaster. We keep most of it behind closed doors. :)
Yes, I do it ALL. But certainly not all perfectly or at the same time. See, when I say "I do it all" I just mean that I do a heck of a lot around here, just like all of us Moms do! I don't mean it in the way the statement is perceived - ha! We are only human after all... ;)
Life, in and of itself, is often enough to be "too much" before anyone starts adding in all the other responsibilities to the pile. I'm currently facing things I put off for too long...and I need to get out a needle and thread to finish up Kate's recital costume!
I get asked that all the time too (probably because I have 6 kids). I don't do it all either....who has time. I do what I can and I swear there are never enough hours in the day. But I do do alot which is why I'm usually exhausted by the end of the night. Once my head hits the pillow that's it for me, until the next day...when I'm up bright and early and starting all over again.
Love this post and love this series!! I guess my post today, could have qualified as PYHO material, but I didn't link up.
My first response was Yes, we can do it all but I'm betting you meant while we're awake. (LOL)
Seriously though, whether it's raising kids, marriage, housework, jobs, life ... you always have to pick your battles.
Better to do one job well rather than too many poorly.
I can't tell you how much I love this post! I get asked this ALL THE TIME too and sometimes I feel like it's a subtle jab at me, like they're saying "you must be neglecting your kids because no one has time for all that."
But like you, I stay up late both to blog and to finish my freelance work.
And like you, I don't do it all. I make choices. I have laid off my scrapbooking so I can try to build a freelance business and not have to get a FT job (got laid off end of 2010). I rarely watch TV or I watch and blog. I make choices. And while some days totally suck, for the most part I'm happy with where I am!
The more I try to do the less I seem to get done. It is a constant battle for all of us. Anyone who truly 'does it all' is kidding themselves!!!
I am far away from doing it all...or even half of it for that matter!
Love Mt. Clothesmore btw...just finished scaling it myself this afternoon!
Giving myself a break and realizing I'm good enough no matter how others see me is the best gift I even received.
I don't do it all! It's refreshing to just cross some things off your list, and start fresh! Sometimes when I'm behind with emails I just wipe the bin clean b/c I just can't get to it. You do a great job! Even though you don't do it all, you still out most of us to shame! LOL *wink, wink*
Keep it up! :)
I definitely can't do it all, and I don't think anyone really can. When people say things like, "I don't know how you do it", I say, "Well it's not as if I have a choice. I have to do what needs done or my kids go to school naked and we wipe our butts with leaves" lol. Just because I do what has to be done, doesn't mean I do it ALL and/or in a timely manner, lol. I've become very scatterbrained since having kids and it's been worse since I've been in college. I forget a lot of things, but we always figure something out.
I am asked this all the time too. And I just want to laugh hysterically until they bring out the straight jacket. If they only knew how much I can't get done, how often I feel like a complete failure, and how close I am to staying in my bed each morning and shouting at anyone who dares intrude on my space. I'm tired.
I've been wanting to join in to this meme for awhile and just haven't managed it yet. Today would be a bad day to pour my heart out. I'm feeling the lack today and would probably dump rather than pour. ;-) Hopefully next week!
It's impossible to do it all. I even put everything aside and take time for myself when Harlan is sleeping. We shouldn't be expected to do it all. It's not realistic. We need to take times for ourself too! Thats the only way we can be great moms!
My SiL just this morning asked me, 'how do you do it all? Your a wife, mother, business owner and women' which to me it's not really 'doing it all' plus I have a great helper in Chris who understands what is important to me and how we can get it done. Right now I too have a pile of laundry to do, toys all over and dinner to make but instead I'm reading blogs lol. Today it might not all get done but I will try again tomm!
Oh Hell NO do I "do it all." If I'm busy at work, my dishes and laundry don't get done. If work is slow, maybe I spend more time with the boys - stuff still goes undone. I hear it sometimes, and like today, when a friend asked how I was feeling-super sick. Because of stress & lack of sleep. Good times.
Thanks for the honesty. I feel so much less "together" now that I'm a mom. There is always so much to do and I think we're more exposed b/c of Facebook, Twitter, blogging, etc.
The "I can't do it all" is totally the realization that a good parent comes to. You do enough to survive - soon enough, that will be enough for all to thrive.
I have come to the realization that I can't do it all. I try to be "good enough" and that seems to be making us all a lot happier.
I DON'T!!! But I try. Yes, I certainly try to do it all. I'm just so glad to see this because I just asked that question, how do people do it? And all those things you listed, yeah, I wanted to know. Now I do. So I'll let myself off the hook. A little. Wait, is that considered doing something? Dang.
I'd don't do it all either. I find the people who try to are stressed and cranky.
I don't do it all either. I CAN'T do it all. I just do what has to be done first, and let the rest become a balancing act. But, I do feel guilty when I don't get everything done. And that stinks. But I'm trying to get over that.
First, "Mt. Clothesmore" is hilarious! I couldn't agree more. I don't sleep anymore either, but the second part is so true. I'm so behind on everything! I used to feel like I had it all together and I just don't anymore. I feel with young kids and other outside commitments - we're all in this boat!
I always think it's so refreshing to see posts like this. So many people out there who wear the "Mommyblogger" hat feel like they have to make their life seem perfect and like they really ARE able to juggle a million balls in the air. Most of us know the truth, though, don't we? ;) None of us can do it ALL all the time!
I try really damn hard to do it all, but something always gets pushed to the next day. Between 40 hours a week at my day job, another 30 to 40 with my business (Macaroni Kid) and the kids, the house, etc....I rarely sleep more than 3 hours a night. And sometimes emails go unanswered. And I rarely read blogs anymore :( In fact, I almost never even blog anymore :(
The term doing it all just doesn't register with me, and I think that any Mom that says they do it totally lying, or delusional, or possibly on meth.
I think I do a lot, but it's almost always chaotic and pieced together in some sort of haphazord way to just keep everything together. I do the best I can and most days, with three small children of my own, I kind of thing that just keeping them alive IS doing it all. :)
No one ever tells me they think I do it all - ha!
I must really suck.
(just kidding.)
No. More. Guilt.
You said it, sister.
We're all in this together doing the best we can.
And if that means arriving late to school for morning drop off?
It's NOT the end of the world. Hang in there. At least you photograph well ;-)
Eh..isn't getting it all done overrated? Especially when it involved laundry (which is usually clean, just not folded or put away).
You're doing a great job...and it doesn't even appear that it's only fire-putting-outting that you are doing.
I love that you are so relaxed and can say "hey, its alright, I'll do it next week."
That's how we should approach our lives.
You sound like a pretty awesome mom to me!
I would say you do it all:)
I envy date night(definitely do not let that one go!)
Visiting from SITS for Saturday Sharefest!
Have a great day!
Great post and I know what you mean, I've been thinking about this stuff myself lately (great minds think alike I guess). The constant balancing act, and the constant guilt (or at least I have almost constant guilt) I wish the guilt wasn't part of the equation, but I can't help it. I want to go easier on myself but it's hard. Maybe I'll make it my mid-year resolution, less guilt more contentedness.
Great post Shell. It's funny how people perceive you from the outside. I often have people say the same thing when I tell them I work FT and also have another PT job {both from home} and have the boys home with me all day. In reality, I dont do it all. I have 5 loads of laundry sitting in my living room waiting to be folded, bathrooms need to be cleaned, I am way overdue to go grocery shopping, I have a HUGE to-do list that never goes away, etc. I think we are all in the same boat but it is great to hear that others are just regular moms like yourself :)
I guess I'm lucky I've always set the bar really low for myself. I usually remember to feed the kids, but other than that, everything else is optional. Hope things slow down a bit for you.
You are awesome, Shell. Seriously. And the fact that you have learned how to balance it all just shows how dedicated you are to being the best mom, blogger, wife, friend, etc., you can be. I hope things slow down a bit for you, but perhaps you thrive on this pace?!
What a great post, as well as an awesome idea for a meme. I love seeing honest moms!
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