Pour Your Heart Out: 14th Glass
If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.
But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.
Please grab the button for your post and link up!
Please grab the button for your post and link up!
Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.
Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)
I'm going to talk about something that I've never talked about here.
Something that you probably wouldn't expect me to talk about if you read Monday's post or any of my other posts about marriage(which you can check out by clicking on the "marriage" label at the bottom of this post).
You see, I talk a lot about how I believe that love is a decision and you have to work to make your marriage last.
I talk about how Hubs and I reached at point before when we almost didn't make it and how we made the decision to stay together and work on our marriage. And how good things are now.
So, you might think that I am someone who frowns on divorce.
Who gets all holier-than-thou and snotty if someone is divorced or is thinking about getting divorced.
Sorry, that's not me.
You see, my parents separated back when I was 10. And, oh, PRAISE THE LORD that they separated and got divorced(being a child at the time, I have no idea when it all became official, but I do remember when we left).
And I remember my mom getting upset and crying a few weeks after we left, telling us kids that she was sorry for breaking up our family. My wise 10 year-old self said, "Don't be sorry, Mom. You're happier now than you ever were before. And we want a happy mom."
My parents divorcing was the best thing for us kids and my mom. My father was an addict., Prescription pain pills, but trust me, all addicts show the same sorts of behaviors when it comes to trying to keep up their supply. Years after they were separated, I was home alone, practically knocked out from the pain pills I was taking for the inner and outer ear infection I had in both ears all at once. And my father showed up and was banging on the door to get in- he wanted my pills. I hid in my room and prayed he'd think I wasn't there and that he would go away. He eventually did. But, can you imagine what it would have been like if we'd still been living with him?
I know, from experience, that there are valid reasons to divorce. Addiction and abuse being two big ones. You have to make sure that your marriage is a safe one for you and for your kids. If it's not, get out. Though again, I don't judge and if your spouse is actually doing something to change and you are staying to support, well, I applaud that, too.
Around here, there is a huge military base. And so many of the Marines get married while they are still babies. To women who are babies, too. After knowing each other for a whole week because the guy is about to be deployed for six months. And then he comes home to a wife who is 4 months pregnant and can't even say for sure which guy is the father....you might think this is an urban legend, but I've seen it happen....well, in that situation, I certainly wouldn't launch into a lecture about trying everything you can to make it work.
We can never know what someone is going through. We don't know what made them decide to divorce. And so, I'd never judge.
When you hear me talking about marriage and how important I think it is that couples put effort into their marriage and make it work...well, yes, I believe that. But, Hubs and I also didn't have insurmountable problems. Ours were mostly petty that we blew up into something much bigger than what they really were.
I try to offer support and encouragement to women who are going through the same sorts of things that Hubs and I went through: feeling disconnected, feeling like you're growing apart, feeling like you want different things out of life, thinking that the passion is gone, thinking that your spouse doesn't make you happy any more. Things that I think can be worked on. Situations where a little effort can make a huge difference and turn your marriage around.
I want to be that voice that you can hear telling you that it's possible to make it work. I've had email conversations with a lot more of you than you'd ever guess about what you are going through in your marriages. I bet you even read some of the blogs by the women I've emailed with and you would never, ever guess what is going on. Don't worry, no names. I want to be encouraging because I was lucky enough to be surrounded by a group of very caring women who encouraged me when I was the one who needed to hear it.
Because I know that if you confide your marriage problems in someone, there's a big chance that person could say, with head bobbing and finger wagging, "Ooooh, girl, I'd leave his ass." Because it's easier to say that than to know what else to say. Divorce is so common these days, right? So, what's the big deal?
So, for those of you who are in situations like what Hubs and I were in- I do encourage you to try to remember what made you fall in love in the first place and to fight to save your marriage.
But, if your marriage is/was destructive, like my parents' was, I applaud your strength in getting out. And, if you have kids, they'll thank you one day for getting them out, too.
Marriage and divorce...just like every other choice in life, is a personal thing and I would never begin to think that I know what someone else went through.
Labels: marriage, pour your heart out
posted by Shell at
12:05 AM
83 Comments:
you know what's funny, i totally agree with your outlook on marriage and divorce...said the woman going through a divorce (from a marriage that was neither destructive or abusive)....
I agree with your view too. Again, you said it perfectly. xoxo
I agree, there should be deal breakers to marriage.
I also agree that a couple should try the darndest to make a marriage work.
I have my deal breakers and my husband knew them before we were married. I'd like to think all of them are set in place to protect myself and my children.
We still have our issues, but I never ever considered divorce as an answer for our issues.
I'll be back in the am to link up Lisa's post.
I got divorced the month before Katiebug's 4th bday (she's 22 now) and was very upset that I couldn't make it work with her day and carried that guilt for a very long time. Until the day she told me she'd "rather come from a broken home than live in one." That was the greatest gift I think she's ever given me. Thanks for understanding both sides.
Thanks for this. I don't often hear/read much about divorce in the mommy-blog circles I travel.
I'm a soon-to-be-divorcing woman myself from a man who is sadly, much like your father. As much as it pains me that my kids will be from a "broken" home, I KNOW that I've done EVERYTHING in my power to try and improve my marriage and that there is, simply, nothing else for me to do.
It's good to know someone else understands.
I agree....staying in a loveless marriage makes no sense...and kids are so smart they can see something is wrong.
My husbands parents are divorced...thank God!!! I also believe that there are some people that should never get married either!
I have been told many times "leave his sorry ass" and he has been told the same thing...either we are dumb enough to stay together or we just make it work ;)!
Another fabulous post Chica!
Great post Shell. My parents divorced due to addiction when I was 6...fortunately, my dad got sober really quickly and they amazingly remarried each other a year later - now on 53 years!
My husband and I have been to the verge of divorce and back again. I think it can indeed make the marriage so much stronger going forward.
I think what you said was dead on. I totally agree with you. My parents should have gotten divorced years ago but are still together. My mom is now always grumpy and unhappy. Anyways, i agree with all you said. Great post!
There are piles and piles of truth in your wise words.
I got married when I turned 18 and got divorced when I was 22... LONG story but I got married WAY TOO YOUNG...
At the same time I decided to get divorced, I met Randall online... We have been engaged this whole time, almost 10 years, and I am OK with that. We have discussed getting married and want to, just haven't been able to do it yet...
Anyway, I agree with everything you said here! There are some issues that you can work on in a marriage and make it work and there are other issues that may not be worth trying to work on and it's better to get out of the relationship than try to make it work...
Fully agree with you're outlook on marriage and divorce.Just like you mentioned marriage is something that we can't just go about judging because you never truly know what occured within that relationship that was unseen.
Again you say things so very well and perfectly! Oh and I LOVED your post "can you change your husband"! Love IS a decision and I think thats such a great way to look at it.
Honestly, I was pleased when my parents divorced. It was the best choice for everyone.
Awesome post. I am a firm believer in marriage also, but there comes a time when you have to draw the line. I agree with your view and that we should not judge other people on the basis that they got divorced. We don't know what was going on and if we walked a minute in their shoes we might just know.
Nicely done. There is a time to work and a time to let go.
Love it...Husband is a little quicker to judge other marriages than I am...maybe that's b/c my parents were divorced too. You just never know what is going on in someone else's marriage.
They seemingly had the perfect marriage, but not so much when you were on the inside. My mother apologizes sometimes too, but it's needless...my father has rewritten his own history to make himself feel better.
i am definitely a believer in your views as well. my parents went through a rough patch when i was younger but they worked it out bc they remembered what made them fall in love...sometimes that is all you need.
Ok, all your posts rock, but hands down, this is one of your BEST EVER. I think that you offer great views from different perspectives since you've seen both sides of the marriage and divorce issue.
I think you are giving women the courage to get out if they need to, but also the strength to try and change things and make it work if that is what they truly want. Sometimes I don't know which choice is harder.
I always said that I never believed in divorce...until I got married. I never understood how much work marriage is. And I never understood that sometimes, people DO change. I understand why people get divorced, and I would never judge either because you don't truly know what is going on in a marriage looking in from the outside.
As always, thank you for your friendship and for being a source of strength to all of your readers!
One of the Mom's in our current playgroup knew of me and my "past". The other Moms did not. At one of our first get togethers this motherbitch says to me across the room, "you got married really young, right? and then divorced?"
It happens from time to time and it still always surprises me. I have been married before and divorced. It is another life, completely.
There is always a bigger story then anyone normally shares.
Thank you for not judging...there are so many out there that do.
Oh, you say it so well, Shell. That was the thing that was so hard for me with my divorce...my ex didn't want to make the choice to stay together. Our problems were not insurmountable and we could have probably made it work...that said, with hindsight, he did me and the children such a favor. We just grew up to be different people and we wouldn't have made each other happy long-term...our core values turned out to be too different, but at the time, I wasn't ready to admit that, so in the end, I'm fortunate (I know, that sounds weird) that he made the choice for me!
And on a side note...since I'm still painfully single and you live near a military base, I think I'll come for a visit! ;) J/K
I never knew the what the phrase "You can love someone, but not like them" meant till I got married. Liking and loving are two very different things, but if you love your husband enough to work on the little nagging things in your marriage, then it can work. The Big Things like what your parents went through---no one should have to go through.
I play dumb when I hear of someone's marriage problems. They really aren't my business, but I try to be there to listen. And listen only.
I completely agree with what you had to say.
Just the other day, I heard on the radio that divorce rates are falling. I think it's due to the economy. People can't afford to get divorced (or sell their home), so they are forced to stay together, and maybe, perhaps, work things out. At least I'd like to believe that it's forcing people to work things out.
Great post! Marriage definitely takes work. If both parties are willing to put the effort it, it can be great. But there are definitely deal breakers.
We shouldn't judge other's marriage because it is not our way. People telling you to leave because there is an issue without knowing the full story drive me nuts.
I agree with your view on marriage too. Sometimes it is hard but you can make it work. Sometimes it is hard to leave but it is the best decision.
I come from a family of no-divorce...my Gran was horribly abused (both mentally and physically) by my Grandpa, but stayed with him, and my Mom and Dad were 2 of the most unhappy people I have ever met, but my Mom stayed because she was scared to go at it alone (my Dad was a long-haul truck driver, so he always had an escape).
I believe that alot of people think marriage is a throw-away and don't put in the work needed - but I've seen first hand that in some cases divorce is a necessary evil.
That's a really great post, Shell! And I love your honest and optimistic angle on it all.
This really hits home for me. My dad is an addict and well you know about Katelyn's dad. I'm struggling with a lot of it right now (with father's day coming up). Thanks for sharing this with us!
Great post. I totally agree with your points. Marriage should be worked at and vows should not be taken lightly ... but there are times when divorce really is the only option. I've done it twice.
Awesome Post Shell....I'm gonna go back and read all your posts on marriage. What you described that you went through and all those feelings are almost exactly what I feel right now. Thanks for sharing!
Ditto my friend, that was a great post!
Now, this was a great blog! I applaud you for putting your thoughts out there. Many people do not realize how much work a marriage is. It's absolutely NOT like being boyfriend and girlfriend where you can just leave when you want. Sadly, a lot of people don't feel that way! It's always good to read another persons point of view!!
my parents divorced, too. I was very little, and do not remember much, but I do know my mom did what was best. FOR HER. Not for the kids - which honestly - is the most amazing thing to do. I look at her as a hero now, for having the strength to leave a bad situation and raising kids on her own.
Fully agree that marriage is hard work, but also do not for one second judge those who choose to dissolve a relationship.
I'm sure people wonder why I'm getting divorced when my hubs and I get along so well.
Once the divorce is filed, that's when you tend to forget the differences because you're sad about the divorce taking place. But they're still there and it takes strength to realize it and know that the decision was not made lightly.
Sometimes I wonder whether it's a blessing or a curse to be good friends while going through it.
This was another amazing post. I struggle so much witht his. While my husband and I are not in an unsafe situation, it's also not a healthy loving one. And I feel guilty for wanting a divorce. So thanks for this, it helped :)
My parents divorced when I was 4. I never, ever remember being one of those kids who wanted her parents to get back together. Our family was happier after the divorce.
That said, now as an adult, I'm dealing with friends going through separations after just a couple of years of marriage. It's hard to know what to tell them. I just say that they should do everything they possibly can so that they come away from their situation - whether together or apart - without any regrets.
I do think people give up on marriage too easily these days. But, sometimes divorce is the only way to go too. Every situation is different and nobody should judge.
Great post, Shell.
Excellent post Shell!
I believe strongly in "whatever works for you."
That's also the future therapist in me talking.
Oh Shell, we must be soulmates because I feel such a connection to your right now. I was nodding my head through your entire post! I have firm beliefs about certain things... except for my exceptions.
I feel very strongly about the vow of marriage and that it should not be broken, but I do not judge my aunt who got divorced because her husband was financially neglectful. I do not judge your mother for getting out of an abusive situation. I feel the same way you do; you need to recognize what will take work to resolve and then what is actually hurting you and know the difference.
This so ties into the sermon I heard at church Sunday too. It was about judging others and not knowing what the "back story" is. I admit, I'm very quick to judge, and I can be rather harsh about it too, but I'm going to try to withhold judgement going forward. It's true you never know what someone is going through until you walk in their shoes.
I have to agree with you. I try to keep my mouth shut, but sometimes it does runneth over lol .. I have to remind myself over and over that your deal is not my deal. What works for one does not work for all .. most of the time it works ;)
As a divorced mom who left the guy who cheated on me I 100% agree
Amen Shell. I agree with what you said.
Beautifully, and wonderfully, put Shell! You are a blessing to many!
Just dropping by to say that I'm your newest follower. :)
prendalestelle.blogspot.com
I think you and I probably see eye to eye on this topic too, Shell!
My parents were divorced too and while I don't agree with what got them there (snarky moves), they were better off that way. They made SUCH better friends than husband/wife and were both so much happier when they remarried!
I completely agree that it is a personal choice, for the two people involved, and it's not my business or anyone else's! Great post!
Amen sister!! :) I agree with you 100 percent. If there is harm emotionally or physically it is time to get out.
What a great post, seriously, I have yet to talk about marriage on my blog, and I agree with everything you said. Marriage can be soooo hard, but the problems can usually be worked out, unless it's something serious like what you talked about. And, wow, crazy about your dad. I know how it is to have a dad with a bad addiction, although his wasn't drugs it was much worse in my opinion. I don't dare even talk about my dad on my blog, I wouldn't want to cause problems among the family, but it was REALLY bad.
There are definitely deal breakers outside of destructiveness and abuse, so I agree with you. People are much too quick to judge without ever knowing the full story or facts. This saddens me. Thanks for pouring your heart out today.
My mom stayed married to my dad until the divorce was finalized yesterday. She left him years ago for work. And just never returned. When I was in 7th grade I remember the divorce word being thrown around. And I just wanted them to get divorced. I was tired of dad always being drunk, verbally abusive, and....the secret I was keeping about what he did to me at night. I wonder, if they had gotten divorced when I was younger, would I be happier now?
I have to say I agree with you, and although I have never spoke of this on my blog I grew up in a very similar situation as you. However, I still have to deal with it today, and it can be quite hard. My parents divorced when I was 5 or so though.
I am so glad you and your hubby were able to make things work and find that spark again. :)
people have such a hard time realizing that they never ever know 100% what is going on within the lives of others, yet they feel so free to judge...it's heartbreaking
GREAT post!!!
As always...great post and well spoken. My moms first divorce was sad, they couldn't work it out but the second one was necessary. She wasn't happy and she couldn't make it work. I'm hoping that Chris and I never have problems we can't work through but you never know.
As always, a great post!
We think we know what is going on behind closed doors, but we have no idea. We have no right to judge other's on their decisions.
That's great that you have been able to talk to other's about what they are going through. We all need friends like you!
I agree. I feel very strongly about the sanctity of marriage, and divorcing because of everyday stuff just isn't in line with scripture. But being in danger, infidelity, and so forth, now that's a whole different thing! No one should ever have to fear their spouse, and every mother has the right to protect her children!!
Shell first of all I have to say I am sorry to know that you had to learn the hard way at such a young age that not all marriages are worth saving and that some are far better off not being saved. That is a tough life lesson to learn at the age of 10.
Secondly, great post today - I am sure this will comfort some and encourage others on the right road with their marriages, whatever their problems and ultimate decisions might be.
What a thing to go through at such a young age. Marriage really is something that you need to work at but there are things that you can't compromise on and sometimes you just need to walk away.
My mom used to say that you can never understand a couple's marriage unless you are sleeping between them. I didn't fully appreciate what she meant until I started having friends who had troubled marriages. Now I, too, try not to judge but to just be supportive.
When my sister and I were in high school and college, we used what we called the Relief Test to decide whether it was time to be out of a relationship. Would you feel relieved if you woke up and it was over? Sure, sad, but any relief? If so, it was probably time to be done. If not, it's time for plan B, which usually involved making some changes and a bigger effort. I now ask all of my friends this if they are having trouble. So far it hasn't ever failed any of us one way or the other, even if the original answer is no and then yes a few years later. Marriage is wonderful and hard work, and divorce has its place, too. Thanks for touching on such a hard topic.
Wow Shell! This was so perfectly put. My hubs and I have been through a lot, especially after we got full custody of his son. There were times when I was ready to take my daughter and leave, but we have worked through it and I am so glad that we did. I hope that someone who is going through the same think really takes your words to heart. You should so have an advice column or your own TV show! I would watch it...or read it!
I'm in my second marriage. My oldest child was born from that one as well. He was abusive in MOST ways. But it was getting to physical, and I highly suspected him of cheating...My daughter was just under 5 months old when I left. And I never looked back.
Soul Sister.
I come from a happily married set of parents.
I am once divorced and not yet married to the true love of my life. ♥
I have experienced that judgment and I appreciate your sharing your wisdom...always.
Great post Shell! And I agree 100% with you. Me and hubby almost called it quits but we decided to work on our marriage and things are so much better now. And we are both very happy with the decision we made.
I love reading your pour your heart outs, because you really do.
I am so sorry about your dad.
And once again you put a great perspective on an issue that just can't ever be black and white. Simple fact of the matter is sometimes it's just better for everyone involved if 2 people divorce.
Great post, as always, Shell.
I totally agree with this post. It's a very touchy subject too. And you handled it quite well.
Divorce is a sad thing. Its a failure. It hurts.
But you're right, its a personal thing and we all fail and we all hurt.
None of us are perfect and so I say let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
I could never judge someone for getting divorced...but I could hurt for them.
I couldn't agree more! It is so easy to say "divorce him" because it's become so common. I'm not saying people should stay in a bad marriage but it's so easy to go in and out of it that people do just that. I've been through a divorce, for a very valid reason, and now I'm married again. I really hate when people make me fee like that's a bad thing, but until they know my situation they shouldn't judge, because somehow I'm certain that they'd have made the same decision.
I am so sorry you had to deal with a father who was an addict. I cannot begin to imagine....you are right---addiction and abuse are exceptions...and of course my dad being gay is another one, LOL!
But I agree with you that people should at least try to work it out instead of just throwing in the towel quickly....divorce seems all too common these days. But I'm certainly no authority myself and hubs and I have had our fair share of rough spots and I'm sure there will always be bumps in the road here and there.....
you my dear friend are a voice of reason to soo many...Great post!!!!!!!
wonderful post. i agree completely. my hubbs and i have been together 12 years and ive always thought, if we truly cannot make it work, then we get out. luckily there has always been light at the end of the dark tunnel.
ive passed the award to you for the beautiful blogger award.
check it out.
http://happynest-happynester.blogspot.com/
L
I really could relate to your post. My husband and I went through a time of separation, but our issues were things that could be worked on, and not things that were creating a danger for ourselves and our children. I think it is awesome to try and fight for your marriage, but if someone were to decide that they did indeed want to divorce their spouse, I would not assume to know what drives their motives. Only the people in relationship are prepared to make that type of judgement. Thanks for sharing!
Dee
It's my first time linking up. Glad to be able to join in.
Great post of yours! Can't wait to participate regularly.
You are so right, I believe in marriage and doing the hard work to make it work and last. But when I was 16, I was the girl telling my mom to leave my lying, cheating, manipulating, scheming dad...because I was leaving whether she came with me or not. Ten years later, she is living a happy life...happier than she ever was with him....and i"m thankful that she got out of that awful marriage. I'm thankful that I got out of that awful house. I hope for my father that one day he will want to change and he can have happiness and peace as well.
Divorce is one of those tricky subjects. It's really really hard to know what to say to someone who is thinking about it and confides in you (me)....... Anyway great post!
You always have such a great perspective on things. I love that you chose to share this, because you make it clear that while you have your beliefs and convictions that apply to you, you know life is not a one size fits all. Thanks for sharing, as always! I love reading these posts, even on the weeks my kids drain all my energy and I don't link up :)
Ah, Shell, I couldn't have said it better myself. Obviously there are going to be times in which a marriage is irretrievably broken, but sometimes, even when there seems like no hope, there is a chance.
My hubby and I separated two years ago and thought all hope was lost. After almost six months, we decided we were more miserable apart than together and decided we needed to figure it out-now we are happier than we've ever been. That experience really taught me the resiliency of true love:)
Very well written. Yes the past 4 years of my life have taught me you never know what someone is going through, so don't judge.
I agree. Marriage is a tremendous amount of work. Every day work. Not once a month/once a year work. I never imagined it would be this hard. This hard to keep having conversations - sometimes HARD conversations. Or this hard to feel like I've given up so much more than my husband has. But it's worth the work. Because I believe the issues we get through actually make us stronger as a team.
But if there are huge problems in the marriage, sometimes it actually takes MORE courage and strength to leave. And I applaud those who open their eyes wide enough to see that leaving is what will bring the most happiness to the family.
Thanks for opening up on this topic Shell! I need to participate in this Pour Your Heart Out event... it's great!
You make a lot of very good points. I believe if it's nothing that theatens your safety, you should at least try. That's why its marriage and not just a simple relationship.
My parents never got married, neither did my mother and my siblings' father so marriage is a funny thing to me.
I think you are very brave for sharing this Shell. I appreciate your perspective and agree with what you've said. I'm so glad that things are better for you.
I couldn't agree more with you. Marriage is hard work. I just finished reading a book today where the husband cheated. I was so angry at him and applauded when the wife kicked him out while she figured things out. In the end, they stayed together and agreed they both needed to put more into the marriage. I was happy with the end and ended up being glad they stayed together. Thanks for always pouring your heart out! You rock!
Ahhh, I missed this yesterday!! I was looking out for it too :(
Oh well I linked up anyway, tho a bit late... Love this pouring Your Heart out; it's great.
xx
Wow, Shell, I just read this (er, after I'd linked up, sorry for my slacko-ness)
but WOW. What a beautiful post. So heartfelt and genuine. no-one could mistake you for judging in any way. It's wondeful what you are sharing here on your blog. Love it.
Two thumbs up, Shell.
xx
Visiting from the Lady Bloggers Tea Party.
This was a powerful story and really good example of how things are always more complicated than they appear at the surface. Thanks for sharing your experience - sounds similar to that of my aunt and cousins.
Wow, wow, wow. Thanks for pouring that out. I love getting to know more about what makes you tick, esp. through your writing! Were you blogging when you and hubs were struggling? I don't think you were, but can't remember.
I can't believe you went thru this - esp. the incident w/your pain meds and your dad. HOW HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, for a child to go through. Do you still have contact with him?
Hugs, Kat
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