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Saturday, October 17, 2009

Favoring Monkey

I don't get it. (This is kind of a rambling rant this morning, as there are lots of things going on- I'm aware of this, but can't stop my brain from going in a million different directions and find one focus, so I apologize ahead of time)

I have three adorable boys.

And yet, their grandmothers all favor my oldest.

He gets more attention, more toys, more everything.

Okay, so he's the oldest.

But, it still doesn't add up.

My mother is currently having a fit about us taking her grandchildren away from her.

I'm trying to get us all packed up and moved in about 2 weeks. Hubs has an amazing job opportunity that we simply cannot pass up. My boys are so excited to live on the beach. And yet, according to my mother, this move is all about her. She keeps screaming that she wants to know what she did to make us move away, why are we punishing her, and what can she do to make us stay. All that drama is enough for several posts of its own, if it wouldn't make my head explode, trying to explain it.

Anyway, she is demanding that she get Monkey for several days before we leave.

Just Monkey.

And she'll see the other two when she picks up/drops off Monkey.

Her excuse for not wanting Bear is that she has never had him sleep over at her house and she doesn't know if he would do okay there. And that Cub is still a baby whom I should still be breastfeeding(damn- I bf him for 15 months, wtf does she want...and it's not like I'm going to start up again).

I'm okay with her not wanting to take the youngest two because she is having some medical issues that cause all of us kids to doubt Grammy's ability to take care of our kids. But, Monkey will be okay since he is 4 going on 30 and Grandpa is around.

But, to only care about seeing him?

It's such a bunch of bullshit.

She started taking him by himself when he was just 17 months old(when Bear was first born- to give me a break). So, there isn't the excuse that you can related better to a 4 year old than you can to a younger child.

What really makes me laugh is that both Bear and Cub are super-affectionate, loving children. Monkey, though, is only like that in order to get things from his grandparents, and then he has no use for them.

The whole situation irritates me so much.

Btw, I am not letting my mother take Monkey for several days. Not only am I concerned about whether or not she can physically take care of him, but I don't want her filling his head with all sorts of garbage about not wanting to move, how he should tell Mommy he wants to stay with Grammy, and how Grammy loves him best.

Though, my official excuse is that he has school, a haircut, a doctor's appointment, field trip to the pumpkin patch, church, and a birthday party all in the next week.

She can have her "chosen one" for one night before we move.

And then we'll move and I'll have mil being the one who favors Monkey.

Could you hear my scream of frustration through your computer screen?



Blogger Evonne said...

My mil is like that with my daughter. She took her on her day off to give her a break from daycare. When my son came along and my daughter went to school, there was no offer to take him on her day off. And heaven forbid we ask her to babysit both kids. It's like pulling teeth. And my daughter always gets way cooler stuff (and more of it) than her brother.

I feel your pain and I'll scream right along with you!

October 17, 2009 at 9:40 AM  
Blogger Poolside with the Girls said...

I can hear your screams. Can you hear mine? I have similar issues. I have someone in my life like this and I've chalked it up to them being a narcisist. "oh, your house burned down, how is this going to effect ME????" It's always about them and how your situation effects THEM. They have little or no empathy for others. Unfortunately this is not something that they choose, it's sort of a character flaw. It seems abusive at times doesn't it?
I can't tell you the disappointments that I have encountered because of this. It's awful. There are times when you think that you are the crazy one, but I assure you that you are not. By any chance was your Mom an only child?

It's funny how the older people like this get the more OK they are with not hiding their favoritism and narcisism. They just can't keep it up appearances any longer so they just lay it out there.

I hear you loud and clear and I applaud your decision to not let him go.

Hang in there!

October 17, 2009 at 11:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I heard your screams loud and clear...growing up my older sis was the favored one, my other sis still has problems to this day with her because of it, very bad situation.

October 17, 2009 at 11:45 AM  
Blogger Shell said...

Poolside, my mom actually has a younger sister. But, everything is about how it will affect her. She has yet to support me in any major life decision that I have made(with the exception of moving back here) because she didn't like the way those would affect her. Nevermind that they were all decisions that were the best for me and my family. It's all about her.

It is completely driving me insane that she will not support our move next month, just because she wants us to be nearby. And is being very vocal about it. To me and everyone else around us. Negative about every single freaking thing.

It's even worse than the favortism.

October 17, 2009 at 12:04 PM  
Blogger Foursons said...

Oh gosh. That is wrong in so many ways!

October 17, 2009 at 12:42 PM  
Blogger Chief said...

I have this issue! My mother in law favors the oldest and ignores the youngest. We have to buy birthday presents for him from her so that he doesn't think she forgot!

It is ridiculous and she will burn in hell for it (or so I hope)

October 17, 2009 at 2:26 PM  
Blogger Poolside with the Girls said...

A narcissist can't continue to be narcissistic without their "narcissistic supply" (a fan club) so when you try to take that away (by moving away) it causes them pain which is a big no no! (remember, it's all about them) I don't know if she is or isn't, but you may feel better if you do some research,(like you have time for this)

Once I figured out that I was not causing this person's bad behavior, I felt better. Not great, just better. I stopped blaming myself.

We probably all have narcissistic tendencies. But they take it to an extreme. They do or say whatever they want to and don't care who it hurts. Meanwhile people like us are being eaten up from the inside out wondering how someone so close to us could be so insensitive and cruel in our time of need, joy etc. We want the typical mother who wishes you well and lends a hand when you are overwhelmed EVEN if your move IS painful for her. That's because we are normal, we expect them to act normal too. But they only think of how things will affect them. They cannot put other people's feelings before their own.

Unfortunately, they will never accept criticism even if it's constructive. When denied their "fan club" they move on to find another one. They offend people on a regular basis and are very easily offended. Like the old saying, they can dish it out but they can't take it. If you treat them the way they treat you..LOOK OUT! They get really offended and usually attack verbally. They go away and give you just enough time to forget how cruel they can be and then come back around and get you to come just close enough so they can slap you in the face again. It's a sick cycle.

They tend to be bad gift givers as well. Like Chief said, her MIL gives to one and not the other. They do things like that and almost dare you to call them out on it so they can point out how ungrateful you are.

My advice is to do some research so you can better understand this odd behavior and if it applies to your situation. If it does, then you might consider limiting the amount of contact you and the kids have with her so you aren't constantly setting yourself up for disappointment. Hard, I know. It's your mother for cryting out loud. Try to keep things on your terms and not hers. Another tough thing to do. Oh, and they tend to have a terribly negative outlook or take on just about everything that isn't directly benefitting them.

Sorry this is so long. It took me years to figure out what this was all about. I wish I didn't know so much about it. I just hope you don't blame yourself because this is her problem, not yours.

All we are just guilty of wanting support and normalcy. Shame on us right?

October 17, 2009 at 4:22 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Yikes. That's rough. My MIL totally favors my oldest (and actually told me once that she doesn't even understand why we had any more) but since it's my MIL and not my mom, I can just blow her off and forget about it. It's tougher when it's coming at you from all sides. A move to the beach though...man, I wouldn't pass that up either!!!

October 17, 2009 at 7:16 PM  
Blogger Shell said...

Poolside, thanks for giving me a lot to think about!

Soon, it will be mil who is around and favoring Monkey. But, it's easier to ignore when it's her and not my own mom.

October 18, 2009 at 11:14 AM  
Blogger MommyLisa said...

YOU are LUCKY your MIL likes eve ONE of your kids!

My MIL never sees any of our kids - my step-kids and the youngest in the family. She cannot be bothered to come to anything or ever see them. My daughter saw here SIX TIMES in her first year of life. My dad has seen more of my step-son's baseball games than my in-laws have ever seen baseball games, period.

My parents treat all the kids equally. My steps and the two grandbabies they now have.

My in-laws treat all the kids totally differently.

October 19, 2009 at 10:53 AM  
Blogger Tracie said...

I have the same thing with my kids and my in-laws. It makes me so mad! My MIL also favors my oldest. The good thing is that she largely ignores all of us most of the time.

October 19, 2009 at 1:39 PM  

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