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Friday, January 28, 2011

Gigi's BFF post.

For today's Blog Friend Feature, I chose a fabulous blogger that I wish was here with me at Blissdom because I know we would have a blast hanging out. But, unfortunately, she couldn't be here...so instead, I decided that she would be the perfect to take over my blog while I'm away. And I hope you show her lots of love.

Gigi from Kludgy Mom does it all.  She did an amazing series this fall about improving your blogging. She has post that make me laugh, post that make me cry, and posts that make me think.  Meet Gigi!

First, I want to thank sweet Shell for featuring me today. I found Shell’s blog through the Ultimate Blog Party last year. I immediately felt welcome here.

A month or two later, when I was still fumbling my way thru blogging, Shell took time to try and help me work on a blog badge. She barely knew me and had scads of followers. She was a perfect bloggy role model and I’m grateful for her friendship!


So you know how it’s sort of easier to be angry or mean at a stranger than it is someone you know personally? The dude who parks his car like a jackhole in the parking spot next to mine? I curse at him. The person on Twitter whose face I can’t see and gets on my nerves? I mutter under my breath and plan her undoing.

But… the mom who irritated me during baseball season? I usually put my Nice Girl hat on and usually find I her…even though I had been previously designing her voodoo doll in my head.

I’ve decided that same theory applies to our body parts. The more we get to know them, the less likely we are to hate them, curse them or want them surgically nipped, tucked, altered, stretched, removed or enhanced. We need to make friends with our bodies!

I know. Easier said than done, right?

Well I think I can do it and here’s how: I’m going to name all of my body parts.

If I have to call them by a name, then I will have to be nice to them.

So I’m going to share with you what I’ve named all of the body parts I currently have an issue with. I hope this inspires you to make friends with your body, too.

The Saddlebags.

My most-hated body part. Yes, the fine Italian-Polish heritage of which I boast has given me what I currently like to call Fatballs on both my inner and outer thighs. There are four of them in all, lined up in a row: outer, inner, inner, outer. My kindergartener would call that an A,B,B,A pattern.

So I think it’s only fitting that I hereby rename my Fatballs Annifrid, Bjorn, Benny and Agnetha: ABBA.

Good day to you, Agnetha. It’s chilly today, isn’t it? And Benny? You have a little goo…um…yeah, go look in the mirror.

I’m feeling better already. Onward!

Crow’s Feet.

I have about five really prominent crow’s feet lines on each eye. Kind of like this picture. Although mine are worse.

Crow’s feet sound so ugly: they’re words you want to hate. So for my ten facial lines, I think Jon & Kate Plus 8 sounds better. I haven’t named the individual lines. All those damn Gosselin kids look the same anyway, except the one mean one. I can always identify her.

Muffin Top.

Sure, sure, muffin top sounds okay. Good enough to eat. But I prefer a more personal moniker to my fat rind. My muffin top shall heretofore be called Otis Spunkmeyer.

Old Looking Hands.

When you pass 40, your hands start to look kind of creepy. Veiny and crepey and wrinkly-like. Also, if you are into coke and meth and heroin and you never eat, you get these hands. Perez Hilton calls them Zombie Hands. They have prematurely afflicted many young Hollywood starlets.

And while I don’t have any age spots currently, I might get some.

So, I’m going to call my left hand Porcelana and my right hand, Nicole Richie. She’s pretty fashionable, anyway. Even with her zombie hands.

The Nether Regions.

So, while my nether regions look perfectly fine these days, I know full well that they, too, will start to, ahem, show the signs of aging. At the rate the hair on my head is graying, it can't be long.

So if Lindsay Lohan has absolutely no problem showing off her firecrotch, I will have no problem showing off the old silvercrotch in 15 or 20 years. What better designee for my future silvercrotch than the queen of SNL and the Twitter, Betty White? Hellllloooo, Betty!

Saggy Boobs.

I had the world’s tiniest boobs before having a geriatric pregnancy and turning 40. Now, it’s the double whammy: saggy AND tiny. So I figure that if I’m going to have tiny boobs, I should invoke the names of women who have PERKY tiny boobs.

From this day forward, my tiny, saggy boobs shall be named Twiggy and Paris, respectively.

Dimply Bootay.

My buns, once made of steel, are now sponsored by Krispy Kreme and Ghirardelli. They’re not what they used to be. So when I make friends with my bootay, I want to think of musicians who have CELEBRATED the big butt.

Left Butt Cheek shall now be known as Sir Mix-A-Lot. Right Butt Cheek shall now be known as Mystikal.

I decided to spare you the photos of my butt, or anyone else's I could take off Google images, for that matter. I'm sure you thank me.

Unhappy Feet.

I have big feet. Size 11 big. Size-I-have-to-shop-at-Nordstrom-for-shoes-accursed feet. And the older I get, the more my feet resemble those of, say, an 80-year old guy. But there are plenty of attractive people with biggish feet. When I think of my feet, I want to think “cute.” And when I think of cute people with biggish feet, I think of Hobbits, so, with my One Toe Ring To Rule Them All, I hereby dub my feet Frodo and Sam.

So that’s it. I’ve named all of my hated body parts and I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship! I encourage you to start making friends with your body, too!

Kludgy Mom

Please leave Gigi some comment love here and then go follow her blog!

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Anonymous Making It Work Mom said...

Too funny! And I have to agree it is so unfair to have tiny and saggy breasts. I mean honestly we should have been to catch a little break and not have the sag! Going over to check out your blog!

January 28, 2011 at 7:15 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I have much of what you describe. It is getting scary.

January 28, 2011 at 7:29 AM  
Blogger Joann Mannix said...

Oh My Gelatinous Inner Thigh!

That is hilarious and you have a little goo...You are such a freak, girl. And I love it.

I think I'll name my fab taa-taa's which are not small, but not too big and used to be just just right but now...well, they're just sad, I think I'll name them after the Spice Girls. Of course, one would be Scary. And the other would be Sporty. And since she's always looking down all slumped over, probably because she's miserable with where her life has taken her, we'll call her Bad Sporty.

And by the way, isn't Shell just like the best thing? I might love her more than Reese's Pieces. Might, I said because Reese's Pieces are MY heroin, so it would be tough.

January 28, 2011 at 7:48 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Bwahahaa!!! Gigi- You are amazing! Love,love, love this!

Betty White? I just snorted my coffee out my nose (not a pretty site!).

I'm not sure I could make peace with my body as you have, but you have given me hope.

Thanks Shell for sharing Gigi with us today! :)

January 28, 2011 at 8:56 AM  
Blogger Go Mommy said...

Oh the hands! I was just looking at mine while I was reading, mine are so bad!!!

January 28, 2011 at 9:04 AM  
Anonymous Megan (Best of Fates) said...

This idea is brilliant.

Tomorrow, I shall start naming my stretch marks. I think I'll name each one after a hurricane.

Not that they're destructive or horrible, but because I like wind.

January 28, 2011 at 9:37 AM  
Blogger Alexandra said...

Hey! I came here to feel good.

(I kid, geeg, I love you. This was hysterical, hilarious, and LOL)

Shell has great friends.

January 28, 2011 at 10:04 AM  
Blogger chele said...

That was hilarious. I feel the same way about my hands. I made the mistake of taking a picture of my hands and my daughter's hands after we both had manicures. I was horrified and immediately deleted the pic!

January 28, 2011 at 10:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love her blog! And I hate feet.

January 28, 2011 at 10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That pic of the muffin top- oh dear! And white pants.
I'm going to give this some serious thought. And get busy following Betty White on Twitter.

January 28, 2011 at 11:13 AM  
Anonymous JennyBean said...

"My buns, once made of steel, are now sponsored by Krispy Kreme and Ghirardelli."

I howled when I read that!


Jenny, who also has to shop at Nordstrom for her size 11 feet

January 28, 2011 at 11:20 AM  
Blogger This Mid 30s Life said...

I can really vouch for this - it absolutely works. Years ago my friend and I called our guts Stella and Bronte and since then, mine has bothered me less.

Try it!

Thanks for the post, just found this blog through Twitter. Not sure why it's taken me this long.

January 28, 2011 at 11:21 AM  
Blogger MommaKiss said...

Gigi I was cursing my ABBA this morning as I pulled on my jeans. I used "other" words however. ABBA is a wiser choice.

You rock, woman!!

January 28, 2011 at 11:30 AM  
Blogger MrsJenB said...

Okay, that's not a muffin top. That's half a butt. I feel nauseous.

This is brilliant. My size 10 Wide feet thank you for reminding me that they need love, too.

January 28, 2011 at 11:55 AM  
Blogger Oka said...

Reminds me of my elementary/middles school librarian. She named her boobs Jack and Jill. It was kind of creepy hearing her talk to them and question them for approval.

You might be on a slippery slope now that you named it all.

January 28, 2011 at 12:00 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

Amazingly funny! Starting to think of names now....haha..

January 28, 2011 at 12:10 PM  
Blogger Tracie Nall said...

Very funny. I think I'm still a little scared to name mine.

I think that when you eat muffins, it should shrink your muffin top. I have been trying this theory for years, and for some reason it doesn't seem to be working.

January 28, 2011 at 1:36 PM  
Blogger Desperate Housemommy said...

It's just that easy? Name the parts and be at peace with my bod? I'm off to find me a pile of those "Hi, My Name is..." stick-on labels. Thanks for the tip!

January 28, 2011 at 1:41 PM  
Blogger Emmy said...

Thank you for sparing us the butt picture, the muffin top one already made me gag enough :)

What a great idea! I will have to start coming up with names.

January 28, 2011 at 1:41 PM  
Blogger kc said...

that was too funny!!! thank you for the giggles.

January 28, 2011 at 1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bawhahahhahaha!!! I think I need to go name all my body parts now!

January 28, 2011 at 1:52 PM  
Anonymous Amanda said...

Oh, this made me laugh!
Thank you!

January 28, 2011 at 1:53 PM  
Blogger Kmama said...

Oh my goodness. That was hysterical. Frodo and Sam feet? LOL

January 28, 2011 at 2:17 PM  
Blogger mypixieblog said...

I love this post so much. And I have always hated the use of the words "crow's feet." You're absolutely right: just sounds horrific together. I might be completely alone in feeling this way, but I kind of think they're a sexy sign of aging. Just me??
Thanks so much, Shelly, for featuring another excellent blogger. Will stop by and show her some love :) Hope you're having a great time at Blissdom!

January 28, 2011 at 3:34 PM  
Blogger MommyLovesStilettos said...

I love it! Totally going to follow her!

January 28, 2011 at 3:42 PM  
Blogger mypixieblog said...

Also, FYI: I think the links in this post for Kludgy Mom's blog aren't working but the link in the badge is. Just thought I would let you know!

January 28, 2011 at 3:44 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I think I'll name my problem points...that might make me like them more (doubt it)!

January 28, 2011 at 4:03 PM  
Blogger Leigh Ann said...

I am rolling on the floor over here! This was awesome.

January 28, 2011 at 4:27 PM  
Blogger Vodka Logic said...

too funny, just wish my thighs looked like that first picture.. mine are well... bigger

January 28, 2011 at 5:06 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

You put a picture of yourself in your underwear on the internet. ON.THE.INTERNET. If I took a photo of myself in underwear that small you would not be able to see them.

January 28, 2011 at 5:07 PM  
Blogger Maude Lynn said...

You killed me with the ABBA pattern. Hilarious!

January 28, 2011 at 5:52 PM  
Blogger mdforkids said...

Gigi, you are hilarious!!

Love the Jon and Kate plus 8 and omg...silver crotch...that's gonna stay with me for a while, thanks.

January 28, 2011 at 6:22 PM  
Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Oh Lord! This is hysterical... I am dying here!

January 28, 2011 at 7:29 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

HAHA! Love Gigi & LOVE this post! :)

January 28, 2011 at 7:35 PM  
Blogger Joey Lynn Resciniti said...

Nooooo Gigi! Don't do it. I love Otis Spunkmeyer. Don't make me associate warm delicious cookies with that ladies ass crack. Please!!!

January 28, 2011 at 8:16 PM  
Blogger thingsthatkeepmesane.com said...

What a funny post, thanks for the laugh.

January 28, 2011 at 9:56 PM  
Blogger Cyndy Bush said...

I have those same saddlebags! I sometimes yell at them and punch them, but I've never named them.
I call my muffin top a Cupcake Top.

January 28, 2011 at 11:29 PM  
Blogger Sherri said...

Oh, I'm right there with you as you well know! And you have me wondering if I might make peace and friends with my parts if they had names....

No, probably not. Maybe I should throw a wake for them.

Thanks for the giggles, and nice to see you at Shell's place!

January 28, 2011 at 11:35 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Haaa!!! What a GREAT idea! Love that! You really had me giggling when you said Sam & Frodo looked 80 years old.

January 29, 2011 at 1:53 AM  
Blogger Red said...

The husband calls my 'muffin top' chicken nuggets.
And i love me some chicken nuggets, which make MY chicken nuggets get bigger.
Not sure its so great now that i have typed it out.... :)

January 29, 2011 at 4:48 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

I workout almost every day and still have those damn saddlebags and extra stuff by my arms :P.

January 29, 2011 at 10:05 AM  
Blogger Imaginative Me said...

Hahahaha! I totally love the names! Maybe if I started naming mine with famous people names, some of them would just disappear!
Love it!

January 29, 2011 at 12:42 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

That was hilarious! Betty White - I have to remember that one.

January 29, 2011 at 1:51 PM  
Anonymous Practical Parenting said...

I wish I had read this sooner...because that was hilarious! Heading over to her blog now!

January 29, 2011 at 4:26 PM  
Blogger Twincerely,Olga said...

You are awesome and you made me laugh out loud! Gonna stop by to say hi!

January 30, 2011 at 12:18 AM  
Blogger Cameon said...

After reading this, I will DEFINITELY be adding you to my "morning coffee reads."

Incredible. "Betty White..." that's so wrong and yet so funny.

January 30, 2011 at 1:23 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I love it. I'm still fighting with my body parts. Haven't gotten to affectionate nicknames yet.

January 30, 2011 at 2:11 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

bwhahahahahaha!!!! So funny! I don't refer to any of my parts very lovingly. THis is excellent!

January 30, 2011 at 10:18 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Gigi....LOVE this, it is so right on! This was an early morning laugh I definitely needed :)

I'm including this on my Monster Likes on Saturday!

January 31, 2011 at 10:17 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Bahhaaaa!!! I loved the ABBA pattern! I'm cracking up! Great feature. I know I'm like a week late, but hey, what are you gonna do? :)

February 1, 2011 at 7:56 PM  

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