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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Pour Your Heart Out: Leaving Others Out

If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.

But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.

Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.
Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)



 



Last week, I wrote about how I felt left out at Bible Study.


But, it got me thinking about how I could unintentionally make someone else feel left out.


You see, here on my blog and even on twitter, I'm "loud."


I say what I think, I talk to tons of people. That talking is in the form of leaving blog comments, replying to comments and tweets, but it's talking.


No problem with public speaking or if I have a specific topic to talk to someone about. Hand me a microphone and I can speak to a packed room, no problem. I'll probably even tell you that I don't need the microphone and do a silly dance for the crowd while I'm at it.


But, if you were to meet me IRL...in a small talk type of situation...I'm quieter.  Much quieter.


I like to take things in and I'm not always the first one to jump into a conversation. Especially if there is a group of people standing or sitting together: that group might very well be incredibly welcoming, but it takes a lot for me to join in.


At the Blissdom conference that I'll be attending next week, there will be a TON of bloggers.  And I'm so excited to hang out with them. There's my roomie, plus a bunch of girls who I've exchanged phone numbers with, girls that I met at previous conferences, and some I've been tweeting with for a while.


We either have plans to meet up or when we bump into each other, I know we will be doing that squealing and hugging girl-thing because it's exciting to meet someone IRL that you've gotten to know online.


And so, if you were to see me at Blissdom, you might find me in a group of girls, all chatting away. And it might seem like I'm clique-ish. That I have my friends and am not interested in talking to anyone else.


Or you might see me tweeting on my phone or trying to write a post for Famecrawler, which I still have to keep up with while I'm away. I could look like a standoff-ish snob.


But, neither is true. At all. I want to meet as many people as I can while I'm at Blissdom.


I'm going to try to remember that this goes both ways: that if I see a group of women all talking to each other, it just means that they are excited to have met- it doesn't mean that they wouldn't be just as happy to talk to me.


And that this doesn't just apply to Blissdom, but to everywhere else, too.

Labels: ,

79 Comments:

Blogger Oka said...

It's a great way to look at it, and more often than not, true.

January 19, 2011 at 7:05 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

I'm going to try to remember to look at it both ways, too. I guess I am just prone to thinking, "How could anyone think I could be clique-ish" when in my head I loathe that whole thing....and dealt w/ bullies growing up, etc...so I am going to make a supreme effort next week.
;-)
Thanks for letting me link up!

January 19, 2011 at 7:29 AM  
Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Gracious me! I am the same way... if I had a dime for every time someone, who'd gotten to know me over time told me they thought I was a witch when they first met me! I know I come off as standoffish and I'm not... what I can be is shy in new situations, but often people don't realize it because I'm so animated when I'm comfortable!

Have fun at Blissdom. I wish I could be there squealing with you!

January 19, 2011 at 7:37 AM  
Blogger Angie said...

What a good reflection to have Shell.

Have fun!

January 19, 2011 at 7:37 AM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

It's nice to see the flip side of things. Sometimes our minds play dirty tricks on us, and what we percieve things to be isn't always the case. Have fun at the conference! I wish someone would do a "get to a conference" how to post. Hint, hint :)

January 19, 2011 at 7:52 AM  
Blogger Renegades said...

I have a cousin in-law that when first started being involved in family things I thought was snobbish. Once I got to know her she told me she was so so shy. It gave me a new outlook on her and I passed on how shy she is and now we all think she's the sweetest thing.

At a blog conference I think would be hard. There's the bloggers you've been reading and commenting too and then all the new ones. It would make it hard for it not to seem like high school to me????

January 19, 2011 at 7:57 AM  
Blogger FreeFlying said...

I have always been so taken aback by peoples' tendency to categorise me as snobby. The same people, mind you, who have never said a single word to me. So strange. Like we're not all overwhelmed and a little nervous about putting ourselves out there for people. I hope you meet a ton of new, non snobby people at your conference. ;) I want to go to one of those soon! (But I'm nervous because I won't know anyone. Ironic.)

January 19, 2011 at 8:08 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Everyone always used to think my mom was a snob. She never talked to anyone & never made eye contact. The truth was she was just painfully shy. She didn't handle new situations well. Once you got her one on one, it was completely different.
My husband is the same way. It takes a minimum of 3 encounters before he's comfortable enough to truly have a conversation with you.
Me? I'm the same in every situation. And I'm getting super excited about being one of the squealing girls at Blissdom with you!!!

January 19, 2011 at 8:09 AM  
Blogger Kisma said...

Ya know, over the years, I have caught myself trying not to pass judgement on a person until after I have had the chance to really sit and talk with them. Only then do I make my opinion of them. I have been burned so many times because I am such a social butterfly, that I have had to become a hermit and chose my friends a bit better. But I also don't pass judgment on a person until I have really given them a chance which means I have to really pay attention to them.

Does that make since?

Great post!!!

January 19, 2011 at 8:12 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

So true! I've never been a cool kid---not in high school, not in college. But all of a sudden when I joined a church after college, I somehow became the head of a clique. Me! My group was considered the "cool" group. We didn't even really have a group! It was just some people who got along, and we'd have movie nights once a month or so. We didn't exclude others---we just happened to all find each other. It was weird.

Now that we've moved and go to a different church, I've had people refer to me as one of the "cool kids." I don't know what they're talking about! I spend my days blogging and watching Buffy! Since when has that been a "cool kid" thing?! It's like I'm in bizarro world...

January 19, 2011 at 8:20 AM  
Blogger singedwingangel said...

Hmm I would have to say one on one I am better. Large crowds I am timid and shy.. I tend to blend in the background. I can understand the feeling that a group is being clique ish simply because I am outside looking in... and I have learned too that I was wrong...

January 19, 2011 at 8:20 AM  
Blogger Eternal Lizdom said...

My father in law keeps complainnig that there are a couple of people at church who are never friendly to him... but I know that they are nice people but are just a little shy, perhaps. Perception and our own insecurities or confidences have so much to do with how we take things in!

You're going to rock it at Blissdom. I wish I was going!

January 19, 2011 at 8:22 AM  
Blogger Kmama said...

It's hard to the see the other side in any case. Good for you for trying to remember that there IS another side.

January 19, 2011 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger Di said...

I think its normal to be apprehensive about approaching a group or striking up a conversation with someone new. We all go through it!

That being said I wish I was going to Blissdom so I could meet you IRL!

January 19, 2011 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger Gigi said...

good for looking at both sides. I feel left out very easily and am overly sensitive to it. I try to be conscious of it when I'm in groups - that someone else might be feeling left out - and include them when I can, but I don't always succeed at remembering.

Great reminder!

January 19, 2011 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

I can totally relate to this post. I am much quieter in real life and ppl often think that I am stuck up or a snob which is not true.

I am just a little shy but I do really, really want to be friends. :)

January 19, 2011 at 8:47 AM  
Blogger Evonne said...

I'm the same way when I'm talking to people IRL. I hope I don't come across as snobbish because that's not the case. I'll have to remember that this does go both ways.

I hope you have fun at Blissdom and meet lots of new people!

January 19, 2011 at 8:57 AM  
Blogger The Professional Family Manager said...

I've suffered with social anxiety disorder all of my life. Like you, I can talk in front of a packed room, have led meetings and events, was even on the debate team in high school...but it's very different when it is one-on-one. I completely freeze up. It takes every ounce of courage I have to look someone in the face and talk to them.

It's tough entering a room where people have already gathered into groups. And, when you're one of the people in a group, you sometimes miss the people coming in late. This is one of the reasons I avoid group situations whenever I can.

(But I seriously doubt Blissdom will be anything like the bible study group! Have a great time!)

January 19, 2011 at 9:20 AM  
Anonymous Megan (Best of Fates) said...

I bet you're incredibly warm and inviting in person - all those other gals at Blissdom will be lucky to meet you!

January 19, 2011 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger Ms Bibi said...

I think that's why I love blogging. In a real world I am very shy and reserved. People don't make me nervous, but I never was to be the one to make the first move. I've been told that I come across and stuck up and unfriendly. Believe me I've been working on it for years.
I would love to go to conferences and meet other bloggers, but I have visions of sitting in a corner looking at everybody else having blast.

January 19, 2011 at 9:50 AM  
Blogger KLZ said...

This is such a tough balance to strike - this forming friendships thing. You'll do great.

January 19, 2011 at 9:55 AM  
Blogger Emmy said...

Yes it really is intimidating to approach that group all talking and laughing together. Moving all the time has helped me be better at it as well I have to or I'll never have friends.

January 19, 2011 at 9:56 AM  
Blogger blueviolet said...

The first conference I went to I felt a little uncomfortable, but now that I have been to several, I'm totally fine with it and the more people I meet the merrier!

January 19, 2011 at 10:07 AM  
Blogger JG said...

It's human nature to see a group of people talking let's say, and you are on the outside with nobody to talk to.

The end.

January 19, 2011 at 10:09 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

This post made me smile! :)

See you in a week!

Squeal!!!

January 19, 2011 at 10:13 AM  
Blogger Andrea (ace1028) said...

I totally get that. It's so hard and it's so weird to remember that when you've finally connected with a group that others might feel excluded. I totally understand.

January 19, 2011 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger LindsayDianne said...

I think a lot of "popular bloggers" get all tied up in how great they feel and how much fun they're having and can totally forget how other people are not being included or invited along. It is nice to see someone really thinking about the impact that they're having through pre emptive consideration rather than it dawning on you after the fact.
Great thoughts that were probably hard to share, so thanks. :)


And have a tonne of fun!!

January 19, 2011 at 10:31 AM  
Blogger Vodka Logic said...

A good point, never thought about being the one excluding.
I do often felt left out.

January 19, 2011 at 10:37 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

I am THAT girl ....always that girl...on the outside looking in. ALways thinking that there is no room in that group for me...so I wander around alone...a lot.

Have a great time!!!

January 19, 2011 at 10:42 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I'm glad you wrote this. I am kind of the same way, and people usually just assume I'm stuck- up, and I really am not (ok, a little bit). I love to meet new people, I just hate to introduce myself. This was a good reminder for me that friendships, esp. new ones, are a two way street!!

January 19, 2011 at 10:56 AM  
OpenID Robin ~ PENSIEVE said...

Having been to quite a few blogging conferences, I can vouch for your spot-onness with this post (is that a word?) (it is now). GOOD for you for writing it and I hope lots of Blissdom goers read it!

Well, done....it would serve us all to remember this perspective!

January 19, 2011 at 10:58 AM  
OpenID Robin ~ PENSIEVE said...

Having been to quite a few blogging conferences, I can vouch for your spot-onness with this post (is that a word?) (it is now). GOOD for you for writing it and I hope lots of Blissdom goers read it!

Well, done....it would serve us all to remember this perspective!

January 19, 2011 at 10:58 AM  
Anonymous Craig said...

And I'm really looking forward to meeting you at Blissdom. And since I've been reading, and you are so darned real, you'll be a little less "Idol-y" and easier to say hi to.

January 19, 2011 at 11:03 AM  
Blogger MrsJenB said...

I find that my husband and I are always on opposite sides when it comes to this. He sees people acting a certain way and jumps to the conclusion that they're snobby, cliquey, whatever. I tend to try to see the other side of things.

Of course, this is only when it's something that happened to HIM. When it's me? I jump to the same conclusions he does. Sigh.

I'll have to keep this in mind if and when I ever manage to attend a conference - it's definitely something worth sharing and I'm happy that you did!

January 19, 2011 at 11:50 AM  
Blogger Mommy Lisa said...

It is hard to remember that all the time. Great post!

January 19, 2011 at 12:05 PM  
Blogger The Blue Zoo said...

So true! Last year I didnt know anyone at Blissdom. Only my sister. So I felt kinda weird - I mean everyone was off in groups talking. But everyone who I did meet was SO nice! Not one person acted snobby. (not even the super popular bloggers!)

January 19, 2011 at 12:18 PM  
Blogger We 2 Bees said...

That is a great way to look at it! It easy to want to feel left out, but often case not the truth! I'm the quiet one IRL as well, until I'm comfortable and it's never the case that I want to leave someone out! Thanks for the new insight!

January 19, 2011 at 12:53 PM  
Anonymous julie said...

I'm so glad that you posted this. I am not going to Blissdom, but I wish I were. And if I had gone, I'd have been one of those completely intimidated "New Kids" who would've assumed no one was interested in meeting me. Everyone has enough friends already, right?
Thanks for reminding me that a lot of that insecurity is in my own head.
Perhaps not everyone is as inclusive as you. Sure, there are cliques.
But maybe, just maybe, someone actually would want to meet me.
I will try to remember that the next time I see a group that I presume is a closed one.
A warm smile goes a long way, after all.

January 19, 2011 at 1:23 PM  
Blogger MiMi said...

My friend and I talk about this a lot. Do we make people feel left out sometimes? We don't mean to, and we always welcome people who want to hang with us...but we don't invite it ya know?

January 19, 2011 at 1:45 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Oh. I would definitely feel uncomfortable....like I was the only person there who didn't know anyone.

I hope you have fun and all are included!

January 19, 2011 at 2:28 PM  
Blogger John and Allie Fields said...

I'm loving the Pour Your Heart Out posts. Maybe I should start doing them.
I'm not going to Blissdom because 1. money issues 2. I am afraid of feeling left out. Horribly afraid. =(

January 19, 2011 at 3:05 PM  
Blogger JDaniel4's Mom said...

I hope you have a great time. I know you went out of your way to reach out to bloggers at the Type A Conference.

January 19, 2011 at 3:14 PM  
Blogger bigguysmama said...

Ugh, see I'd get into this situation and try to be my "funny" self and I'd end up sounding like an idiot! I hear myself saying some things and realize I'm not being natural, but trying too hard!

Have fun and you can only do what you can. I'm sure everyone will love meeting you.

~Mimi...the jealous one

January 19, 2011 at 3:30 PM  
Blogger WhisperingWriter said...

Yeah, I'm much quieter in person than on my blog. I can be quite shy in person.

I so wish I could go to Blissdom!

January 19, 2011 at 4:00 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

That's funny, I think I'm louder in person than I am on my blog.

January 19, 2011 at 4:12 PM  
Blogger Elaine A. said...

Glad I found your post today. I was on chat with you earlier about Blissdom, with the Crayon Wrangler. Thanks for saying this because it is hard when you are in the moment and possibly feeling left out, to remember that everyone has similar feelings AND that someone else may be feeling the same way! Does that all make sense? I hope so. Hoping to meet you next week!! :)

January 19, 2011 at 5:11 PM  
Blogger NotaSupermom said...

I'm new to this and didn't quite understand the assignment. I'll do better next time.
Love the blog, Shell!

January 19, 2011 at 5:34 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

You know, I've heard a lot of women talking about how when they go to conferences it seems like everyone knows each other. Which they don't. But I know when I went to blogher I was REALLY excited about hanging out with some specific people so maybe I wasn't as open to people I didn't know.

Food for thought for sure!

January 19, 2011 at 6:37 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

This is so well-put! I have similar tendencies and know next week will tug me out of my comfort zone just a bit. I'm an excellent listener and very friendly but I like to have some alone time so it's hard to peg me as an extrovert or an introvert. No matter- I'm looking forward to meeting you!

January 19, 2011 at 6:48 PM  
Blogger kc said...

very nicely worded! I know about being quiet and not really feeling as if I will fit in; and I remember the out-going social butterfly world (hard to believe I was that way once upon a time). I think its great that you are creating that outlook for yourself!!!!

January 19, 2011 at 7:20 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Thanks for reminding me that things aren't always the way they seem. And thanks for prompting me to "pour my heart out." I DO feel better. And that's what it's all about, right?!

Thanks!

Mich

January 19, 2011 at 8:05 PM  
Blogger Babes Mami said...

I'm the same way! I try so hard not to be but I continue to go right back to being how I am.

Have fun at the conference!!

January 19, 2011 at 8:44 PM  
Blogger mintifresh said...

I've been accused of being clique-y a couple times. I don't mean to, I just feel close to who I feel close to. It doesn't mean no one else is welcome but I do need to do better at being more open to others, too.

January 19, 2011 at 9:25 PM  
Blogger TheBabyMammaChronicles said...

Aw, yay! That'd be fun. Hope you meet lots of lovely new friends!

January 19, 2011 at 9:44 PM  
Blogger Veronica said...

I'm the same way minus the public speaking ;)

I am quiet and observant and more times than not I have put off an air of being a snob without realizing it.

Have fun at Blissdom!

January 19, 2011 at 10:15 PM  
Anonymous Making It Work Mom said...

I am the same way. I have no problem speaking in front of large groups and being silly with my close friends, but put me in a situation of "small talk" with acquaintances or new people and I freeze. I also feel like I am intruding. Oddly enough I also feel like this when I call people, like they would be annoyed to talk to me which is why I LOVE LOVE email and texting.
So jealous that you will be at Blissdom! Have fun!

January 19, 2011 at 10:37 PM  
Blogger Dysfunctional Mom said...

I thought I was the only shy person on earth who had no problem with public speaking. It's a contradiction, isn't it? I am SO much like you described.
I hope you enjoy blissdom, and sorry I'm so late linking in here but I really wanted to get in! =)

January 20, 2011 at 12:45 AM  
Blogger Tammy said...

I swear we are sisters...I am the exact same way girl. You will have so much fun at Blissdom! Sounds like some great girls are going! Have you thought about blogher? I am not sure if I am ready for that one but would love to go if the opportunity arose.

I am going to Bloggy Boot Camp in June. Finally a blog convention of sorts! I am excited.

January 20, 2011 at 1:21 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I wish I was getting to meet you!

January 20, 2011 at 1:55 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I'm usually the obnoxious person who will walk up to a table of people I don't know and say something ridiculous...people must think I'm crazy, but it's better than being ignored (or ignoring), right???

January 20, 2011 at 7:11 AM  
Blogger Mandi Miller said...

Feeling left out is the pits.. it sucks. But you are right, just because it may "look" like a group is a little snobbish doesn't mean they actually are... Have fun at the conference!

January 20, 2011 at 8:25 AM  
Blogger Erinsgobragh said...

Ha I grew up in a upper Jewish neighborhood. When I got a job at this gourmet I was working in the bakery. Hubby worked there as well and thought I was just one of the JAPS until her got to know me better and learned I was the total opposite.

January 20, 2011 at 9:31 AM  
Blogger Ashley said...

Great perspective! I hope you enjoy the conference! I'm looking forward to hearing about it. I'm hoping to go to Bloggy Boot Camp in October for my first blogging...well...anything! So exciting!!

January 20, 2011 at 11:44 AM  
Blogger cornflakegirl74 said...

It's always difficult to imagine the other side, but this is an interesting post. I hope you have a great time at Blissdom and expect a full recap upon your return :)

I'm so excited to attend one of these myself but I wonder if I would be terrified. I imagine myself as the new girl in school, looking for a group to sit with and eat my lunch.

Even though I haven't met you IRL just yet, I imagine you would be on a welcoming committee for all newbie bloggers. You do so much for this community with your interaction and support :)

January 20, 2011 at 12:28 PM  
Blogger TornadoTwos said...

Yes, this is very true! I always feel intimidated to approach a group of women already in conversation with one another and need to remember what you've said.

January 20, 2011 at 12:52 PM  
Blogger We live in a Zoo! said...

Well said! :D

January 20, 2011 at 1:34 PM  
Blogger adrienzgirl said...

You're totally in my clique! Ha! That is such a stupid word.

Great post Shellerific!

January 20, 2011 at 2:28 PM  
Blogger *LLUVIA* said...

You know, I used to be an approacher...but, it would be someone else who was alone; I'd introduce myself, and meet people. Many times, it was great, as the other person was relieved to know someone.

But there were times, when the person was just not interested, and would take my friendliness for being too cocky. Over the years, I noticed that people would get annoyed with my outspoken ways.

I stopped being like that because it sucks when someone doesn't like you and i like to please people. It sucks to be rejected.

But I realized that I gained a lot mroe by being the way I was before, so I started again! Who cares if someone thinks that I'm full of myself! I don't want to be friends with them anyway...!

Another great post!!! Can't wait to hear all about Blissdon...no idea what it is...been away from Blogger too long! But I'm back!

January 20, 2011 at 2:34 PM  
Blogger platanosandmangoes said...

so true. it's very easy to feel left out even when i'm on the outside looking in with my hand on the door!sounds like you decided to turn the knob yourself :D

January 20, 2011 at 3:10 PM  
Blogger Diane said...

I've been perceived as snobbish and stuck up more times than I can count and it always bothers me because it is so far from the real truth.
I'm impressed that you are comfortable speaking to large groups. My husband is that way too but it terrifies me!

January 20, 2011 at 3:18 PM  
Blogger Mrs Montoya said...

I've always been accused of being snobbish, but sometimes I just don't know what to say or how to join a group. I love the way you wrote this. I hope you have a great time at Blissdom!

January 20, 2011 at 3:38 PM  
Blogger shortmama said...

I know exactly where youre coming from. I am that way in a small group setting. Its hard to get over that "am I being judged feeling?" and just enjoy yourself sometimes. Once I get to know someone or feel comfy in the group though....oh boy I dont shut up!

January 20, 2011 at 4:55 PM  
Blogger Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

Lots of times that icky feeling we get when we feel other people are being "clicky" comes from our own self doubt. I tell myself this when I walk into the teacher's lounge as a substitute teacher's aide. I remind myself that no one is trying to make me feel out of place. Suddenly, I fit right in.

Hope you have a fabulous time at Blissdom.

January 20, 2011 at 8:37 PM  
Blogger The Empress said...

Seeing the number of comments here, and the ones I've read through, WE all relate to cliques.

I will try to remember this, but I think of the unfriendly ones that shoot you the evil eye if you even try to venture in.

Have a wonderful time in blissdom, and I will look forward to the honesty of your posts.
Have a wonderful time!

January 20, 2011 at 10:05 PM  
Blogger Lourie said...

YOu are so very lucky to be going! Have a grand time. I am sure you will be just fine. ;)

PS How long is this linky up?

January 20, 2011 at 11:11 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

I'm squealing on the inside for you and I'm not even the one attending! I can't wait for the details!

January 20, 2011 at 11:25 PM  
Blogger Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I find it harder to meet people in real life for sure. Have a blast at Blissdom.

January 21, 2011 at 10:56 AM  
OpenID ninabadzin.com said...

I liked this a lot . . . I was thinking recently how cliquey Twitter can seem sometimes. Sometimes I'm probably part of that sensation, sometimes I feel left out or ignored by others. I guess it's hard to balance being comfortable with the people you know and remaining open to getting to know the newbies.

January 22, 2011 at 10:19 AM  
Blogger Andi said...

Great post I can relate. Blissdom was my first blogging conference ever in 2009 and it was such a great experience. I have to say in 2010 and 2011 it got a lot bigger and a little more overwhelming, but it is good. It is hard to be "out" there but worth it when you make those connections.

April 5, 2011 at 10:50 AM  

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