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Monday, December 13, 2010

My Story: The Break

She didn't want to leave.

She wanted more than anything to stay with him, to get married like they'd planned.

She remembered how they were together before the big move and she wanted that back. But, they weren't the same people any more.

That couple who couldn't be in the same room together without touching had become that couple who couldn't be in the same room together at all.

It had been months since they touched.

They weren't talking. Or when they were, there was always hurt and anger behind their words.

If there was some way that she could get him back, some way to get back to how they were, she would stay. If only for the promise that they could one day get back to how they were. But, there wasn't any reason for her to hope that this could happen.

She told him she was going to leave. That she was going to move in with a friend back in NC and try to get her old job back.

He told her he didn't want her to. They were actually talking again.

But, she'd spent too much time feeling like she was invisible to change her mind.

They decided to look at it like it was just a vacation that she was going on, though they both really knew the truth.

She traded in her car for a sporty little black two-seater truck. It was a statement more than a vehicle: it was what a single woman would drive, not what one would buy if they were about to get married and start a family.

She went into the salon a brunette and came out a blonde. She went with him to the tattoo parlor and actually got a tattoo: not something like her at all. But, she was in so much pain that she barely felt the tat; it gave her a good excuse to cry.

Though she'd always been thin, she dropped from a size 4 to a size 0.

It was like she was trying to become someone else. Maybe someone he would love. Or maybe someone so different from who she had been that she could forget their past. Everything about their life together felt so out of her control that she wanted to have control over something.  She couldn't change what she wanted to change, so changed herself.

Shortly before she was scheduled to leave NY, they went out to lunch with his best friend and his best friend's wife as part of her saying goodbye. But, he still didn't really believe that she was leaving. His best friend told him not to let her leave, that he needed to do something to get her to stay.

But, he just shrugged it off, saying that she would come back.

If he had said it with any sort of passion, if he had talked about how much he loved her, she would  have stayed. But, he was more matter-of-fact about it, showing no inclination to go back to the loving man he had been. He was so confident that she could never leave him, despite how he'd been treating her for months.

Part of her thought that he might be right. That maybe she wouldn't be able to leave him. She still loved him so much. The memory of how they used to be together was so strong, so powerful, had such a hold on her, that maybe he was right. That they were connected and that she would rather be miserable with him than be without him.

She worried that was the truth.

And so, even though she wished that something would change and she'd be able to stay, she knew that they needed this break.

A break. That was all either one of them was willing to call it, though they both, somewhere deep down, knew the truth.

And even after she left, they talked on the phone. It was almost like how it had been before: happy and sweet and loving. Though, she could still hear in his voice that things would never be like before. But, could she find the strength in her to stay away? She needed to do something drastic before she gave in and went back to him.

If you missed any of the story of my past, where yes, I talk about myself in the third person, you can check out these links to get caught up:

10 Days After the Hurricane
Was It a Big Mistake?
A Romance Grows
And Then He Left Her
She Moves for Him
The Waiting Game
The Engagement
The Year It All Goes Wrong



Blogger Oka said...

A break sounds like the perfect word actually. It may have started as a "vacation" in your minds, but your subconscious mind knew that it would be The "break" up of a relationship.

December 13, 2010 at 7:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sigh... how I wish we went through all that together. (esp since we were doing the same thing at the same time - we could have been eachothers strength)

December 13, 2010 at 7:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sigh... how I wish we went through all that together. (esp since we were doing the same thing at the same time - we could have been eachothers strength)

December 13, 2010 at 7:32 AM  
Blogger Evonne said...

A break sounds like it was definitely needed. But letting go of the hope that things will get better was hard I'm sure.

December 13, 2010 at 9:03 AM  
Blogger Bibi @ Bibi's Culinary Journey said...

I'm glad he didn't say anything to make her(you) stay. It sounded like some soul searching was very important at that point.

December 13, 2010 at 9:09 AM  
Blogger Venassa said...

What a tough situation to be in - too hard to stay but too hard to stay away at the same time.

December 13, 2010 at 9:14 AM  
Blogger Kmama said...

I know all about hanging on and being hopeful for things to be the way they once were. It's so heartbreaking.

December 13, 2010 at 9:15 AM  
Blogger Go Mommy said...

I couldn't imagine going through that.

December 13, 2010 at 9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your story is so heartbreaking.

December 13, 2010 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Di said...

Sometimes a break is the only way to see the big picture and get a new perspective. I've been there. I love these stories though!

December 13, 2010 at 9:35 AM  
Blogger Jenny said...

Definitely know what a break means...been there before!

Love your stories...it is so interesting to hear others stories of love.

December 13, 2010 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger natalee said...

im literally tearing up... more more.... if you dont make this a book im not talking to you anymore....lol

December 13, 2010 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger Joey Lynn Resciniti said...

I'm actually excited. Next time will be the story of how they (or should I say you?) get back together.

December 13, 2010 at 9:59 AM  
Blogger Alexandra said...

You know what, Shell? If this were a book, It would work.

I'm hooked. It reads like a romance novel. What happens next?

So many women could relate to this. Becoming invisible.

December 13, 2010 at 10:12 AM  
Blogger Kir said...

yes...yes...A BOOK! I like this story very much, even this "break" and I want to know where it's going...where you went and came back to be who you are ...


December 13, 2010 at 10:36 AM  
Anonymous Kimberly said...

This is so beautifully written. I tend to write in a third person when the story involves something painful.

December 13, 2010 at 11:15 AM  
Blogger Stasha said...

Sorry but I have to go here...

You have a tattoo??? What kind? Where is it?

OK, now that that's out of my system...

It sucks to want someone so bad, to love them so much, that it blinds you. That all you see is that person and you don't know if they love or want you back...

December 13, 2010 at 11:16 AM  
Blogger SoMo Mom said...

This is like I've stepped into a Nicholas Sparks book! Hey! Maybe you can make a movie!! Love it!
Thanks for stopping by www.southernmomentum.com today ... loved the comment cuz I actually was going to mention having my kids leave Santa some of this punch ... Santa hates milk!

December 13, 2010 at 11:18 AM  
Blogger Hutch said...

No details on the tattoo? Gah!

December 13, 2010 at 11:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh wow! So glad she got away before marrying him. Of course it would have been better for him to wake up and treat her with an ounce of LOVE.

She needs friends and comfort, not this lonliness!

December 13, 2010 at 12:06 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Oh girl, you have all of us hooked on your story- can't wait to read more. So relatable, it is amazing how you can bring these details to life. It must be a hard thing- I'm not sure I would be brave enough to go back and relive something like this! Thanks for sharing xoxo

December 13, 2010 at 12:08 PM  
Blogger The No Wonder Mom said...

I'm with the Empress. What a great story. So beautiful. So sad. So much love behind the pain. Beautifully written.

December 13, 2010 at 12:26 PM  
Anonymous Craig said...

For all the moments and stretches that I made a loved one feel invisible – I’m reminded today – and I’m sorry. To not speak what needs desperately to be shared, even when the sands have almost all fled to the bottom of the hourglass, is one of the most wretched agonies of life.


Thank You Shell

December 13, 2010 at 12:35 PM  
Blogger Secret Mom Thoughts said...

My husband and I had a break when we were dating too. He needed it to appreciate our relationship.

December 13, 2010 at 12:45 PM  
Blogger Macey said...

This is amazing...she's so strong, I don't know if I could have done it.
And I just read Craig's comment, so touching.

December 13, 2010 at 12:47 PM  
Blogger Helene said...

Every time I read one of the posts in this series, my heart breaks a little bit more because I can so relate to this. Tim and I took a couple "breaks" during our relationship and I remember how painful it was.

December 13, 2010 at 12:50 PM  
Blogger Linda R. said...

This is a great story! I'm hooked on it. Thanks for sharing

December 13, 2010 at 12:53 PM  
Blogger Diane said...

Something drastic?! WHAT?! What did you do?! You sure do know how to leave us hanging for more!

December 13, 2010 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger Liz Mays said...

It's kinda painful to read this, because of what I've been through.. It's making me cry.

December 13, 2010 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger MommyLovesStilettos said...

As usual, written beautifully even if it is a sad story!

December 13, 2010 at 2:30 PM  
Blogger Ducky said...

I'm always fascinated by the building blocks that make up who we are today....were just one little block to be different would it change absolutely everything?

December 13, 2010 at 2:39 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

I've been there before. It sucks, it hurts but looking back I'm so glad I left! I felt it in my bones that I needed to walk away. It's many years later and I'm married to someone else but there are moments when I still remember what that felt like. Heart break is a killer.

December 13, 2010 at 2:45 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

She deserves the best. He is really not at this best.

December 13, 2010 at 4:06 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I don't know how many more twists and turns I can handle!! :)

December 13, 2010 at 4:10 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Ugh. I know what a horribly hard decision that must have been... sometimes "breaks" are the gentler word for the inevitable (sp?)...

December 13, 2010 at 4:14 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Is it odd, looking back now, to see it all play out?

December 13, 2010 at 6:34 PM  
Blogger Emmy said...

Oh this part is just as good as the rest! Yes it sounds like this break was definitely for the best.

December 13, 2010 at 6:50 PM  
Anonymous heidi @ wonder woman wannabe said...

okay, I'm so glad I already know there's a happy ending on the horizon for our heroine! but what will it take to get her there i can only wonder! :)

December 13, 2010 at 9:15 PM  
Blogger shortmama said...

No!!! They cant take a break!

December 13, 2010 at 10:00 PM  
Blogger StarTraci said...

Well, for someone who "writes about herself in the third person", you certainly write from the heart.

I will be checking out earlier chapters that I missed and will look forward to the resolution.

I do know this, holding on to a better past or wishing the present will change never gets us the future we want. I applaud your bravery in making a break, as painful as it was.


December 13, 2010 at 10:19 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

Ugh! These cliff hangers are killing me! Isn't it enough that I get them on General Hospital? :)

December 14, 2010 at 1:13 AM  
Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

My hear breaks for "that" girl!

December 14, 2010 at 6:20 AM  
Blogger Joann Mannix said...

The break that changed her world forever, right?

Another sensational chapter in the story. It is so amazing how we try to change ourselves, isn't it? I'm so glad you found the truth before it was too late. Otherwise, we might not have you here to tell your stories to us. Great post, simply great.

December 14, 2010 at 9:43 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

It's so hard to leave. Even when you know it's the best thing. I can't wait to hear more.

December 14, 2010 at 11:39 AM  
Blogger TheBabyMammaChronicles said...

Ever the engaging storyteller, I always find myself anxious for the next chapter. You definitely pull your readers in.

December 14, 2010 at 12:53 PM  
Blogger Haley Nicodemus said...

Wow - you have a way with writing. I just caught up on your story from the beginning and I feel like I just got sucked into a really good book.

Can't wait to read more.

And also figure out how you ended up where you are at now! :)

December 14, 2010 at 3:27 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

OOh I wanna know, I wanna know!

Next installment please.

December 14, 2010 at 4:05 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I know that was an uncomfortable time.

December 14, 2010 at 6:31 PM  
Blogger mypixieblog said...

I just love your storytelling. This must have been so difficult to go through, but it's so essential to get a different perspective sometimes. When you live in the moment, and are torn between loving a person and not knowing anything else, you have to step back to see if it's worth fighting for.

I can't wait for the next segment :)

December 15, 2010 at 9:52 AM  

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