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Friday, July 30, 2010

BFF: Let's Do Lunch!(But, not really)

Editing this post because I woke up to find that I'm the Featured Blogger over at Lady Bloggers Society!  Woo-hoo! Thanks so much for featuring me. Welcome to anyone who stopped by from there. I actually feature a blogger on Fridays, too. I encourage you to check out her post below because she's amazing! If you want to read a post from me- as I can't take credit for the one below- please check out the previous one- it's from my meme Pour Your Heart Out- or any of the posts listed in my favs! I'll be by this weekend to visit all of you- Lady Bloggers and my regular readers alike!

This week's BFF is one who makes me think, makes me feel, and draws me in with her writing. Though I "met" her before she started joining in with Pour Your Heart Out, the posts that she linked up were what made me officially adore her.

Adrienne blogs at Stories from the Shoebox. She has one of those blogs that I read and think why on earth doesn't she have a huge following? She's fabulous! She will, though!  She has an amazing faith that comes through as so genuine in her writing. I would totally tell her "Let's do lunch!" and mean it....wait, you'll see what I mean after you read her post.

You know those women who always say they would like to “do lunch”, “get together”, or “hang out sometime”? The women who say these things, but you wonder if they mean it, or if you ever will actually get together? Annoying, right?

Well, I’m one of them. Yup, you heard me.

You see, it’s not my intention to be this woman. But it happens, and I want to talk about it.

I meet a lot of interesting woman. I have a great church, and a great women’s bible study. These two things help cross my path with some amazing women who I would love to be IRL friends with. But the truth is I don’t have the time.

My IRL friends consist of a couple of women I grew up with, and will probably always be friends with. We’ve shared so much of our lives together that I’m pretty sure I will never get rid of them. My old and dear friends are not that accessible to me. I love them and cherish every memory we have, and every visit we get. There is a security in knowing we will be friends now and later in life, but we just don’t see each other much. I look forward to the days when we can catch up and sip coffee when our kiddos are grown and off in college.

Then there are a few women God has put in my life presently for very specific reasons, and I’m so thankful for them!

God has blessed me with these “new” friendships. I think he knows just what I need, and these friendships just sort of happened! I need them, and I think they need me too. We have lots in common in the day to day. Our children LOVE to play together, and “doing lunch” with them is easy and truly enjoyable.

Here’s the thing. I have these kids that are always with me. So wherever I go, they go. They need be fed, cared for, and educated. They need to be socially connected with kids I like, and kids they like. These new friends of mine serve many purposes. They’re my friends, and their kids are my kids’ friends. It’s a perfect match made in heaven. We can visit and chat and our kids can play and really enjoy each other. I’m sure you know how hard it is to find kids you actually want your kids to play with and who have moms you actually want to hang out with and you can be yourself around. Well, that’s the kind of new and dear friends we have. It’s such a blessing.

Then there’s this problem. There are the women you cross paths with from time to time that you would like get to know better, and she would like to get to know you better too. She seems nice, interesting, and you would love to sit and chat with her sometime. Then it happens. She says, “We should get together sometime.” And you say, “Yeah, that would be nice. Let’s do lunch.” And you mean it. It would be nice to get together and have lunch. It really would.

But, as you walk away you realize it’s probably never going to happen. You just turned into the woman who says, “Let’s do lunch.”

Your lives have nothing in common. You have children during the day. The evenings are set aside for family, and the weekends involve much needed family time with hubs that you don’t want to miss. Getting together for lunch means you would have to tote your kids along for a lunch with someone you don’t really know. What can two grown women talk about who barely know each other with two children (or more if she has kids) right there at the table? Or worse, she doesn’t have kids. So you’re on one side with your kids and their mess, and she’s on the other side watching you be a mom. How much could you really get to know a person while you’re distracted by parenting and feeding two kids?

Sometimes, your life just doesn’t fit with someone else’s. Several attempts to get together fall through, and you feel bad. Really bad. You didn’t plan on being the woman who says, “Let’s do lunch.”

Why isn’t it acceptable to say something like, “You know what, I would really like to get together, but the truth is it’s probably never going to happen. Unless you fit into our lives just right I won’t have any time for you. I’m a mom 24/7, and I never get a break. You should give up on me and try to make friends with someone else. I would be a terrible friend to you”.

But, if I was to say this right from the get go I would be some crazy lady! Seriously, can you imagine?

Yet, being the woman who says, “Let’s do lunch” and never does is not nice either?

It’s not that I’m mean or stuck up. I’m just a mom with two boys, one husband, and limited time. I’m at a stage in my life where children and home come first and friendships are way down on the list. In order for me to have them they have to be something that happens by accident and just is. I value friendship with other women. That’s one reason I blog. I just don’t have the time to build new IRL friendships right now.

What do you do when it’s your turn to be the woman who says, “Sure, let’s do lunch.”?

I can so relate, Adrienne! Please, leave her some comment love here and then go follow her blog if you don't already.
Woohoo- I should finally have my laptop back tonight!!!! I've missed you all!

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Blogger Miss Welcome said...

Hi there! I am a reluctant let's do lunch person too. When I was single, I always kept my word, but it gets harder when the family comes along. I guess I've let it go. I know I'm a faithful friend at heart, but right now the most important thing has to be my kids ...

Great post.

July 30, 2010 at 7:31 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

OMG! I feel totally guilty about the exact same thing ALL the time!

What do I do about it? Try not to run into that person again so I don't have to feel even more guilty!

I figure when the kids grow up and move out we'll have time to make friends and do things like volunteer work then.

Yah! for bloggy friends who fit into our daily routines!!

I ♥ Adrienne! She inspires me!

July 30, 2010 at 7:34 AM  
Blogger Sugar Bear said...

I'm the lady on the other end of this it seems. I've spent so much time offering and asking only to get canceled on, stood up or shrugged off last minute.
I get we're Moms but we need time too.
This helped me see the other side...I just want some Mom friends to hang with, that want to hang with me too.
Great post...off to visit you at the shoe box!

July 30, 2010 at 7:37 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I'm one of those women too. There are lots of people I would love to hang out with, I just don't have the time.

July 30, 2010 at 7:38 AM  
Blogger Life Without Pink said...

I can completely RELATE! I have a few very close girlfriends and we all have boys the same age. We get together but mostly because I am not embarrassed when my boys act like wild maniacs. Then there are new friends I meet, some don't have children or kids my ages - lunches will never happen. Like you I always have my kids and noone really to watch them. As much as I would LOVE to sneak away, its not always easy! Great article.

July 30, 2010 at 7:45 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Thanks for the feature, Shell! And congrats on yours too!! I'm already enjoying reading the comments. I love hearing what others have to say about this! :)

July 30, 2010 at 7:49 AM  
Blogger Ma What's 4 dinner said...

Me too! I totally get that. Great feature! Have a great weekend girlie!

Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma, What's for Dinner

July 30, 2010 at 8:02 AM  
Blogger Joey Lynn Resciniti said...

I tried to be friends with a woman that was just terrible at being friends. She already had a million friends and clearly didn't need another. My daughter adored her and her daughter. It took me years to convince my kid that these people didn't want to be our friends after we moved from the neighborhood and it wasn't convenient to drop by and play anymore. It was very painful.

That woman should have known herself enough to put it all out in the open. Unfortunately, I doubt she knows she's not a good friend.

July 30, 2010 at 8:50 AM  
Blogger Oka said...

Also a mother (of four), I hear "Let's Do Lunch" rather than say it. I usually respond with, "Call me and I will see what I can do." Guess what, they never call, they are just as busy. I never think to be disturbed by it either.

I have used special events to get acquaintances to do lunch with me before. For example, this past year, my sons class worked at Bob Evans one lunch and bd's Mongolian Grill another. Both occasions I had to take my two youngest with me. My acquaintances have kids that were in school, so they came kid free, but they came. I also didn't get the impression that they judged me for having my kids there. Almost more like a "been there, done that" understanding.

July 30, 2010 at 9:24 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I am so that person! I find myself saying "we need to get the kids together sometime" or "let's get together'. We never get together.

July 30, 2010 at 10:05 AM  
Blogger Ian said...

I never find myself saying that lol. Matter in fact I turn down tons of happy hours cause I just don't care.

Anyhow, great feature and glad you chose her. We are bro-sister in arms in an unfortunate way.

A knows what I'm talking about :)

July 30, 2010 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger mypixieblog said...

I can totally relate to this, Adrienne, though I don't have children of my own just yet. I think that at a certain stage in life, our priorities just change. Because I work full time and have limited hours to get other things accomplished in the day, I value my preexisting friendships more. And it becomes harder to seek out new ones. I have found myself saying "let's do lunch" on several ocassions and not really meaning it and then I feel terrible... but I don't think it's necessary to beat myself up over it, because chances are, the other person feels the same way. But I would like to change this, who doesn't like to have a nice lunch buddy?

Great post!!!

July 30, 2010 at 10:35 AM  
Blogger Gigi said...

Congrats on your feature today, Shell!!! Love ya!

July 30, 2010 at 10:42 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Thia was great. I'm totally a "let's do lunch person" and sometimes will even schedule it, and most likely? I will cancel. Because I'm nervous. Dorky and paranoid? Absolutely.... sigh.

July 30, 2010 at 11:02 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

LOL ... well, I find myself doing this too. However, I'm still in denial and think I'll actually get a lunch date together! It might be 18 years from now, but, dang it, we'll do lunch some day!

Great post!

July 30, 2010 at 11:43 AM  
Blogger adrienzgirl said...

I do sometimes make time for just me. No, kids, no husband. But, if I were to use that time to go out to lunch with a potential "new" friend that would take away from the time I freed up to spend with now friends/ Doesn't seem likely. Besides friendships are like marriages, they need care and feeding. My friendships happen by accident too. It either works and fits and just is, or it isn't. Maybe way down the road when the kids are all gone.

July 30, 2010 at 11:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can so relate too. I have recently just found Adrienne and I really enjoy her blog. Great pick Shell!

July 30, 2010 at 12:10 PM  
Blogger Kir said...

Oh my goodness, I just saw what saying "Let's do lunch" really means and it's sooooo true. Even with the best intentions, I'm never gonna do it, I can't.
WOW, this was a great post!!!!


July 30, 2010 at 12:13 PM  
Blogger Mel said...

It is an epidemic it seems! At least most of us understand and dont hold grudges.

I must say there are people (on the outskirts) of my social circle that I do try to see but I tend to do the *lets grab a coffee as soon as we have dropped the kids at school* thing. I find that works well, I need coffee and its a great way to start the day because you hang out but you both have stuff to do so it isnt drawn out for hours!

Enjoyed stopping by here!

July 30, 2010 at 1:28 PM  
Blogger Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Same here. Mom, wife, teacher, house cleaner extroidinaire, runner and general time waster doesn't leave much time for lunch for me! I could do a nice one in my head though!

July 30, 2010 at 1:38 PM  
Blogger The Random Blogette said...

Way to go Shell for being featured at the LBS! That is so awesome!

I am also a let's do lunch person and it never happens. Life is so crazy sometimes that it is so hard to find time for myself, let alone going out with someone who is not my husband or my kids!

July 30, 2010 at 2:52 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Congratulations on being the LBS Featured Blogger!

July 30, 2010 at 2:55 PM  
Blogger Maggie S said...

Congratualtions on your Lady Bloggers Society Feature. Thanks for stopping by my place. I am that woman a little bit, but sometimes I am also the honest gal too.

July 30, 2010 at 4:22 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I can sooooo relate to this and I've been on both sides of this battle...it's awkward sometimes! And yes, with little ones, it's just impossible. I'm ready for someday when a real lunch with a real BFF might actually happen....

July 30, 2010 at 5:20 PM  
Blogger Sharon Cohen said...

"Let's Do Lunch"? Me? Please. Let's discover something we could both enjoy doing.

July 30, 2010 at 5:33 PM  
Blogger Nicole Marie said...

I think I've actually done lunch one time...and it was a good experience! I've been invited but am kinda wary...like do I just assume they mean my heathen child can come too? Who knows. Congrats on the feature...Happy Feature Day! :)

July 30, 2010 at 6:13 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Okay, love the post, and if Shell says I'll love ya, than I'm sure I will! Going to check out your blog...and Shell, your feature now!

July 30, 2010 at 10:10 PM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

as an adrienne myself I love her blog because we adrienne's have to stick together ....Oh and she is fun to read!

July 30, 2010 at 10:27 PM  
Blogger An Imperfect Momma said...

Holy mackeral! I thought I was the only one. I have said that to so many people its not even funny...wait I didn't mean for that to sound as bad as it did. Lol. Congrats on being the LBS featured blogger btw :)

July 30, 2010 at 10:31 PM  
Blogger Joy@TPMG said...

I am so bad about this. I truly do mean it when I say let's do lunch or let's get together but then a million things come up and getting together with friends just falls way down on the list. I am going to visit her blog (I do mean it to:)

July 30, 2010 at 10:34 PM  
Blogger Karen Mortensen said...

I follow you and I am glad I do. I like what you said. Really gives me something to think about.

July 31, 2010 at 12:23 AM  
Blogger Angelica said...

So true! I just moved to a new town, so now I am missing my friends that I would do lunch with, the ones that have kids or don't mind mine so much.
And I have been thinking...these "new" moms Im meeting dont have time for me,

July 31, 2010 at 1:02 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Whew! I thought I was the only one who did that? I feel guilty but it happens. And it even happens when with some of my friends that I love to spend time with who also has kids. But sometimes our lives and schedules don't work. It's ok. We've all been there, I guess.
Great post, it makes you think next time when you say "let's do lunch".

July 31, 2010 at 1:31 AM  
Blogger AiringMyLaundry said...

I usually just say, "we should get together sometime." Since I have young kids, doing lunch usually consists of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

July 31, 2010 at 1:47 AM  
Blogger shortmama said...

I honestly dont even try any more. I just cant manage the time! Ive got my bff down the street and we hang out all the time and for now that is enough for me!

July 31, 2010 at 1:55 AM  
Blogger Julia said...

sounds like a great site. Im on my way now to check it out.

July 31, 2010 at 2:57 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

Congrats on the LB Feature :) And i love your Pour Your Heart Out post. It's so easy to go along with the box that other people put us in. Finding out who we are and sticking to it is the best thing we can do!

August 1, 2010 at 3:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My secret is to have lunch at the park. Kids can play and moms can get to know one-another. Plus, no real extra expense. In my book, it's a win-win.

August 16, 2010 at 11:58 PM  

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