< Things I Can't Say: That's Not Me Anymore

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Friday, November 27, 2009

That's Not Me Anymore

Having 3 boys under the age of 5 at the playground tends to keep me occupied.

I don't really notice other things. Just constantly count my boys to be sure I know where they are. 1...2...where's?...oh!...3, 1...2...3...

So, I might not notice someone calling my name from across the playground.

I'm not intentionally being rude by not answering you, I'm just busy.

But, if you call me by a name that no one has called me in over 8 years, I won't even look in your direction.

Yet, it happened on the playground last week.

"Emmy? I thought that was you!"

Blank stare at the girl heading across the playground towards me, toddler planted on her hip.

"It's Michelle," I stammer.

"No, it's Sarah, don't you remember me?" I blink and let her think that I got her name wrong, not that I'm correcting her.

She probably never knew me as anything other than "Emmy."

And I really don't want to explain to this girl why that isn't me anymore.

She plops down on the bench near where I'm standing and proceeds to tell me all that she has been up to since we last saw each other. I vaguely remember that she was married to someone who worked under my X.

I'm not paying much attention to her, still counting my boys to be sure they are all where they are supposed to be, but I'm starting to get lost in thought.

Lost in memories.

Luckily, Monkey rescues me by racing over to remind me that I promised that he and Bear could throw stones down by the sound.

I smile and excuse myself from Sarah, plunk Cub in his stroller and head off towards the water to let the boys try to skip rocks(aka try to make the biggest splash possible).

Sitting beside the stroller, with the two bigs throwing rocks right beside me(close enough to grab should they decide to go for a swim), I let myself think about Emmy.

And of course, that leads me back to X.

A long, long, long, long time ago, I loved him. Anytime I think of him, I think of a line from a Poe poem: "We loved with a love that was more than love." He's the McSteamy character in my life, though I married McDreamy(whom I love very much, btw...I can't help that I got hit over the head with this memory)

One day, when we had been dating for about 6 months or so, as we were taking a walk, arms wrapped around each other, he squeezed me and said, "One day, you'll be me."

I laughed and asked, "I'll be you?"

"No, you'll be ME. Your initials, after we get married, will be ME. M....E.....Emmy. I think I like that better."

And so I became Emmy.

That's how he would introduce me to people. And it was always with a wink or with a squeeze of my hand or my waist. It was his way of reminding me that he wanted to marry me.

We did get engaged.

Started planning our wedding.

It didn't work out.

Too much time has passed now to really even explain it.

But, it ended.

And I was heartbroken.

One of the last conversations I had with him, he said, "I'll always love you, Em..." and he broke off, knowing that he shouldn't call me Emmy anymore.

I laughed through all my tears and agreed that that was who I was now: "Just M. I'll never be M.E."

Looking at my 3 beautiful little boys, I'm glad that I never did become Emmy.

The most important name change that ever happened for me was when I became their Mommy.

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Blogger InspiredDreamer said...

What a beautiful post. A little sad, but beautiful. Stopped by from SITS and glad I did. Thanks for sharing.

November 27, 2009 at 2:07 AM  
Blogger The Mommyologist said...

This was so beautiful! And you are so right...there is nothing I would trade for being my son's mom!

November 27, 2009 at 7:26 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

They (the girls before me) are right...this is a beautiful post.

November 27, 2009 at 4:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*cringes* I became my husband's G.G. But along time ago I was supposed to be somebody else's, by a different nickname. Those who were mutual friends of my exes and mine still call me it. I think it annoys the hubby...

I love my little girl and I can't wait 'til the day she officially dubs me "mommy" (at 5 months and not a word yet, I think I'm still that crazy lady who makes faces at her, feeds her, holds her, and wipes her butt.)

November 27, 2009 at 11:08 PM  
Blogger Karen M. Peterson said...

What a thought-provoking post. I hope someday soon I'll meet the McDreamy that will make me forget about McSteamy.

Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

November 28, 2009 at 9:02 AM  
Blogger Melissa B. said...

Thanks so much for sharing this poignant post. We all need a wake-up call from time to time, don't we? SITS sent me by, and I'm glad they did. Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

She's Got Spirit...And Your Vote?

November 28, 2009 at 11:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a heartfelt post! I bet a lot of us are glad we are who we are today and not who we almost became! You expressed that perfectly. My son said a few months ago, after we moved, it was great to be around new people who didn't define him by who he was in the 4th or 5th grade. Sometimes, we need new soil to transplant the seeds of who we really are - enabling us to flourish! You are definitely flourishing

P.S. My oldest son and his wife just visited. I hope she loved being with in-laws - I never want my sons wife to inwardly scream, "Let me out of here" rather, "Let's go - I so love them."

It's a mother of sons things!

November 28, 2009 at 11:22 AM  
Blogger Angelica Bays, TygrLilies.blogspot.com said...

Nice post.
I mean- it was very poignant, and I don't mean to downplay the content at all? But I had been searching for something worthwhile to read- so much useless junk out there, ugggh! YOu don't want to reward it with a comment, but this really held my attention- made me want to read more.
Good work. ;o)

November 28, 2009 at 2:38 PM  
Blogger Confessions From A Work-At-Home Mom said...

Stopping by from SITS...

Wow, what a POWERFUL post. I've always gone by "Elizabeth", except for a very transitional point in my life when I started telling people to call me "Liz" instead. It's funny, I look back on that time now and realize, I was very, very lost.

Your story made me remember how far I've come!


November 28, 2009 at 8:31 PM  
Blogger Kmama said...

Amazing post. It brought me to tears.

November 28, 2009 at 10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. An intriguing post. I love your Grey's referencing, by the way. Reading this was like reading an Emily Giffin novel for me. Maybe you should try your hand at creative writing. You definitely have insight. Looking forward to reading more of your poignant posts. :)

November 28, 2009 at 11:23 PM  
Blogger Karin Katherine said...

What a terrific post. I felt like I was there. I stopped over from Sits and I'm glad I did. I have another blog in my reader. Looking forward to following more of your journey and posts.

November 29, 2009 at 7:55 AM  
Blogger Ash said...

Beautifully written - I agree - creative writing should be on your "to do" list.

I know, all that free time with 3 little boys...

November 29, 2009 at 10:22 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

That was a great post. And that will always be a chapter in your life, which made you who are today.

I had a McSteamy too. But to see him now, I know I made the right choice.

November 29, 2009 at 2:00 PM  
Blogger Tracie said...

That was really great. It's funny how one thing can trigger a trip down memory lane.

November 29, 2009 at 8:16 PM  
Blogger rachel... said...

I was engaged once before I married my husband, too. Had the dress and all... And though I can't regret that it didn't work out (for the same wonderful reasons: my kids!) it's hard to not wonder sometimes how my life would have been different if it had...

Great post!

I'm so sorry about your husband's grandfather and I'm thinking of that sweet baby today, too.

November 30, 2009 at 8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post! That's a lot to have to sort through, especially at a moment when you were least expecting it. I feel the same way at times, that I'm not who I used to be. I'm so much more. And from the looks of it, you are too.
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I love what you've got going on here.

Kristi, Hello...Is This On?

November 30, 2009 at 8:00 PM  
Blogger beenomom said...

This post just made me become a follower. Talk about not being afraid to bare your soul for others. That is quite an accomplishment! I haven't quite gotten there yet, but hopefully I will someday!

Props to you and look forward to reading more.

December 2, 2009 at 8:48 AM  
Blogger Mary Freaking Poppins said...

Loved this.

December 2, 2009 at 12:16 PM  
Blogger BLOGitse said...

Beautiful posting!
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Sunny greetings from Cairo! :)

December 3, 2009 at 5:24 AM  
Blogger MeghanM said...

Visiting from SITS...what a great post, and I like the idea of having a blog where you can write this stuff that you don't want relatives to see! I have one too, but it's private because I'm too worried someone will find it!

December 27, 2009 at 3:21 PM  
Blogger Charity said...

I am so glad to be who I have become and not who I WAS TO ANYONE ELSE. Thanks for sharing and Happy New Year.

December 27, 2009 at 6:49 PM  
Blogger  said...

I really enjoyed this post. We all have an Emmy whom we used to be. I loved your last line about become Mommy, though. :)

May 10, 2010 at 11:09 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I have a similar story, but I actually married him. And so glad that it ended, now. Sometimes those memories just come out of nowhere.

August 16, 2010 at 8:08 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I know this is an old post, but your post today led me to skim back a bit and try to figure out how long I know you. ;) Anyway, this is a touching story, thanks for sharing and for being YOU! Not "me" ... You rock!

September 9, 2010 at 2:21 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I'm here for the same reason as Andrea. ;-)

September 28, 2010 at 7:00 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Shell...thanks so much for sharing this with me! I love this story and I'm going to include it next weekend in my Saturday faves. It's a beautiful memory.

April 24, 2011 at 6:26 PM  
Blogger Kir said...

that is one beautiful post and memory. WOW. I'm so glad you gave it to Nat and shared it with us. Loved it.

May 2, 2011 at 12:24 PM  

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