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Friday, November 4, 2011

Things They Can't Say: Letters for Lucas

This week's featured blogger is Tonya, who writes beautiful, heartfelt posts at Letters for Lucas.

Just Us

He brought home flowers last week.

White and yellow gerbera daisies.

They made me smile.

The flowers were a very small token of his generosity and his concern for my mental and physical well-being.

As I lay on the table with needles stuck all over my body, trying to calm my mind and visualize healthy eggs and a new wonderful addition to our family, all I could think was: when was the last time I told him I loved him?

Isn't that awful?

I couldn't remember the last time I spoke the words: I love you to my husband. It must have been on the phone yesterday. Our calls always end with an "I love you". But when was the last time I said it to his face?

I'm a terrible person.

Sometimes I feel as though I am a much better mother than I am a wife.

Our two-year-old son, Lucas always comes first.

But the two of us? We come and go like two ships passing in the night.

Lucas consumes the majority of our time together, leaving very little left over for just us.

Our conversations are about our son, the latest funny thing he’s said or done, an outing we have planned, his days at pre-school. We spend a lot of time sitting cross-legged on the floor laughing, singing and playing with cars and trains, puzzles and Play-Doh. He brings so much joy and goodness to our lives.

As of late, our attention has also been focused on adding to our family: fertility treatments, fertility expenses and fertility appointments.

As I tried to relax I knew exactly where I was headed after my acupuncture appointment was over.

I desperately needed to see my husband. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him.

I needed him to know that no matter what the doctor told us today, no matter what life had in store for us that I loved him and we would be okay.

We would be okay and I would be okay.

It may take time, but we would figure out what to do next.


We have faced worse.

We are strong.

And we are lucky, so very lucky.

I love you.

As soon as the needles had been removed, my next session scheduled, I said all that and much more.

Letters For Lucas
Please leave Tonya some comment love here and then go follow Letters for Lucas. You can also find her on twitter @letters4lucas and on facebook.

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Blogger Jessica said...

Such a beautiful post from Tonya although I wish she wasn't going through all of this. Infertility is so unfair but you are always able to find what is important through your experiences, Tonya. Wishing you all the best and a little one very soon.

November 4, 2011 at 7:18 AM  
Blogger Singedwingangel said...

Aww hun I think we often forget our spouses in the hubbub of life itself, seeing ourselves in the mother role. I cannot imagine going through all you are and have to conceive but I can absolutely understand why someone does. Sending you all love and hugs

November 4, 2011 at 7:30 AM  
Blogger angela said...

My husband always jokes "the dads get the shaft," but sometimes I feel the same way you expressed here, so much more eloquently than he did. It made me want to go hug him.

I am still saving my penny wishes for you.

November 4, 2011 at 7:35 AM  
Blogger Jackie said...

It is so easy to get consumed with the children, right? I think your post, Tonya, was the kick in the butt I needed today. The healthy reminder that we are just as important as them!

November 4, 2011 at 8:11 AM  
Blogger JDaniel4's Mom said...

This post wonderfully describes why mom and dads need "we" time.

November 4, 2011 at 8:37 AM  
Blogger Alison@Mama Wants This said...

I feel the same way sometimes Tonya. That my poor husband comes second so often. Thank you for the reminder.

Wishing you luck in your treatments. xo

November 4, 2011 at 8:43 AM  
Blogger Jen @ After The Alter said...

It really is difficult! my son is 11 months and I feel he takes up all my time and energy...I think that the fact that you recognized that you needed your husband was good. We all need a little reminder and a night for "just the two of you". I know I have to stop and think about it every once and a while. It never used to be such an effort, but I guess it is what it is...now you need to MAKE time, but it will be worth it. Good luck with your fertility treatments! I did acupuncture and got pg with my son!

November 4, 2011 at 8:45 AM  
Blogger Robbie K said...

Beautifully written. This last years has taught me to appreciate and love the everyday moments because you never know when those will be a thing of the past. i would give anything to see my husband's face everyday, feel his arms wrapped around me.

November 4, 2011 at 8:55 AM  
Blogger Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year said...

Such an honest post, Tonya. I've always said that I was a better girlfriend than I am wife. For the same reasons that you write about here today. It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day of kids, work, life that it seems like you go through the motions.
Sending you lots of good wishes that your fertility treatments are successful soon!

November 4, 2011 at 8:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can so relate, and I need to do a better job myself. Good luck with your fertility treatments. I've been there, and they are so very stressful.

November 4, 2011 at 9:34 AM  
Blogger Kir said...

OH Tonya, oh my friend. Isn't this where we have all been as we become parents? How we take lots of time for those little people but we find it so hard to make time for each other?

I find myself just looking at John and saying"THANK YOU..thank you for putting up with me, for loving me in spite of myself, for living through all this bullshit with me"

this was just soooo beautifu and real, I had been crying this morning anyway, seems it will continue. Yet, A good reason. Love seeing you and your words here my friend. xo

November 4, 2011 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger Jenna said...

thank you for letting us into this moment. Your transparency is beautiful.

November 4, 2011 at 9:43 AM  
Blogger MommaKiss said...

I think that as long as you know you need to say these things to him, you make it happen, that's what matters. it happens to us, too - sometimes barely even seeing each other during the week. Reconnection is so worth it ;)

November 4, 2011 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger Ali - My Suitcase Full of Tricks said...

Tonya. You're right. You WILL be OK. I think it's so important that you recognized this. Too many of us go way too long without appreciating the people in our lives. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

November 4, 2011 at 10:46 AM  
Anonymous Denise said...

It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day and forget to truly express how you feel to each other and how much you mean to each other.

November 4, 2011 at 10:46 AM  
Anonymous Mrs Dzo said...

Beautiful. A wonderful reminder to take a breath and remember why and how you became a mom in the first place.

November 4, 2011 at 11:01 AM  
Blogger Christine Siracusa said...

I think there's an ebb and flow in closeness in any marriage and with a 2yo it is definitely low tide. Add in fertility issues (sorry. they SUCK.) and it's a real challenge. You will find your way back to each other. In fact, it sounds like you've already started...

November 4, 2011 at 11:30 AM  
Anonymous Tonya said...

Love being here today! Thank you, Shell. I needed to write this and your series was the prefect place. :)

November 4, 2011 at 11:47 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

What a beautiful post. I hope you and your husband had a lovely moment.

And I'm just horrified at the thought of being covered in needles, but I'm trying to block the image.

November 4, 2011 at 11:54 AM  
Blogger Rach (DonutsMama) said...

It's so hard when the kids are little to find those moments with your husband. So much of our interaction is in passing or on the phone. Thanks for the reminder to make some time.

November 4, 2011 at 11:59 AM  
Blogger Helene said...

I know the feeling. I'm guilty of the same thing...I think we often get so consumed in ourselves as mothers and trying to do best for our kids that our husbands take a backseat.

Sending positive thoughts for a successful cycle...and glad you took the time to tell your husband how much he means to you!

November 4, 2011 at 12:06 PM  
Blogger Tayarra said...

Ah, making me cry today. It happens to us too and then I'll realize we haven't connected, get stressed about it, and do my best to make it better. Good for you for running after it. You guys will be OK no matter what. I'm thinking about you.

November 4, 2011 at 12:23 PM  
Blogger Lourie said...

Wow...this is a beautiful and poignant post.

November 4, 2011 at 12:25 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Lovely. AND an important reminder! Thanks.

November 4, 2011 at 1:06 PM  
Blogger Not a Perfect Mom said...

that was so lovely to read...
my hubs go away at least once a year for a week or so without the kids...for exactly that reason...
we need to remember why we're together, why we have children...why we fell in love

November 4, 2011 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger Not a Perfect Mom said...

oh, and praying that your fertility treatments work for you, I can't even imagine the stress that brings to the family unit...

November 4, 2011 at 1:22 PM  
Anonymous Julie said...

I absolutely loved this. It sounds as though you take care of each other in so many ways, and just the thought made me smile.

I've been rooting for you for some time, so from a total stranger...I'm wishing you success on this journey.

November 4, 2011 at 1:29 PM  
Blogger LLA_Princess said...

Good thoughts and prayers your way int he fertility treatment.

Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone int he struggles of marriage and the importance of not always putting the kids, but each other first

November 4, 2011 at 1:30 PM  
Anonymous tracy@sellabitmum said...

Oh Tonya. Love you.

November 4, 2011 at 1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful post and so true. It is so hard to make time to work on the marriage part too. Take care.

November 4, 2011 at 2:23 PM  
Anonymous Stephanie said...

A friend and I were just talking today about how marriages can get lost in the busyness of raising a family. How as mothers we can become so wrapped up in our children and their lives that we forget to nurture the marriage relationship.

Good for you for remembering. And I bet it made both your days a little better.

November 4, 2011 at 2:51 PM  
Blogger Missy said...

So beautiful. And such a good reminder. We always put ourselves last as mothers, it seems, but sometimes our husbands are a close second to last. I'm so glad you shared with him what was in your heart. He's a lucky man.

November 4, 2011 at 2:52 PM  
Blogger Emmy said...

Great post!! And yes, it is easy to get caught up in our other rolls and forget the roll that started it all. Thank you for this

November 4, 2011 at 3:08 PM  
Anonymous McKenzie Haraschak said...

bare boned and heartfelt. a wonderful first look (for me, at least) into your life. thank you for sharing.

November 4, 2011 at 3:58 PM  
Blogger January Dawn said...

Our poor husband's DO get the shaft and all to often (yet thankfully) take most of it with grace and in stride. I wish you ALL the best with the conception of your next blessing. Sending positive thoughts your way. Lovely post.

November 4, 2011 at 3:58 PM  
Blogger I'm Jennifer. said...

Beautiful post. You're not alone when it come to putting mommy over marriage. I did it too for many years. Now that my kids are older (5 and 7), they don't need me as much. So I'm consciously trying to focus more on my relationship with my husband.

Best of luck to you with your family planning!

November 4, 2011 at 5:04 PM  
Anonymous wendy @ mama one to three said...

and that is why you married him, yes? because he is all that. I wish you much luck!

November 4, 2011 at 5:30 PM  
Blogger Life As Wife said...

Thank you for reminding me to tell my hubby I love him today!

November 4, 2011 at 5:36 PM  
Blogger Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

Very beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this. My husband gets put on the back burner a lot. A needed reminder for me!

November 4, 2011 at 6:06 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

What a wonderful reminder...my husband is usually last on the list too. And SO SO sorry you are going through infertility struggles right now.
I'm praying your treatments work. XO

November 4, 2011 at 6:40 PM  
Blogger Hines-Sight said...

That was a lovely post, and so true.

As a parent, things just switch around. Conversations switch. It is important to keep those date nights or date lunches.


November 4, 2011 at 7:20 PM  
Blogger Mom of 12 said...

Such a sweet post. I'm sure he knows you love him. Life is just like that sometimes.

November 4, 2011 at 7:23 PM  
Blogger Sherri said...

Oh, Tonya...hugs to you.

And at times, it does seem like the toddler consumes most of our love and energy. It's normal, but so healthy for your marriage that you recognize it.

Fingers crossed for you guys.

November 4, 2011 at 7:48 PM  
Anonymous Coreen said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this Tonya but am happy you have him in your corner, to hold your hand. I'm there with you on the mother/wife thing and work on that daily myself. Parenthood redefines almost everything.

Marriage is teamwork and you have a strong team that includes not just your husband but also your family, friends and community. xo

November 4, 2011 at 7:49 PM  
Blogger Amanda @ It's Blogworthy said...

I can count on one hand how many times my husband and I HAVEN'T said "i love you" as we hang up, but then we spent the evenings just sitting side by side after the baby goes to bed in our own little worlds. It's true, things change so much after a child. This is a lovely reminder.

November 4, 2011 at 8:59 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

What I wonderful lesson for everyone. Sometimes (make that most of the time) we take each other for granted.

November 4, 2011 at 10:29 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

I often feel the same way. Our kids take up most of our time and almost all of our energy, leaving us with little to use for ourselves. This is a great reminder to let him know how much I do love him.

November 4, 2011 at 10:33 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

What a wonderful post. I can't wait to head over to her site.

November 4, 2011 at 11:25 PM  
Blogger championm2000 said...

As someone who has lived through IF twice, this post was spot-on.

I wish I could say it ended when we finally had babies, but just the other morning, I went through my daily morning good-bye to the twins. There was laughing, hugging, kissing, "I'll miss yous." Then I turned to the hubby and just said bye.

So glad he called me on it.

November 5, 2011 at 9:53 AM  
Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Beautifully written and so very wise.

November 5, 2011 at 10:16 AM  
Blogger The Anecdotal Baby said...

What a beautiful and honest post. I hope your addition to your family comes sooner than later!

November 5, 2011 at 2:06 PM  
Anonymous Teresa (Embracing the Spectrum) said...

I can relate to this. My husband and I are working on our relationship... When you've got kids, it can be a challenge to keep your spouse from getting lost in the shuffle.

November 5, 2011 at 5:57 PM  
Blogger Jen Has A Pen said...

I find it can sometimes be difficult to find time to cultivate my relationship with George (in light of our fertility struggles) and we don't have any children in our home. I am sure you are stretched very thin at the end of a day, and unfortunately, sometimes we forget to show gratitude to the person who helps us survive those days. I hope you will find some answers soon. I hope you find yourself knocked up. :-) Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life.

November 6, 2011 at 7:46 AM  
Blogger Kristy said...

Very re-latable. I think many of us feel much better at being a mom than being a wife.

November 6, 2011 at 5:05 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

Life is not always easy on our marriages. Good for you for taking note and doing something about it.

November 6, 2011 at 9:04 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Tonya I'm sorry to hear about your struggle with infertility but I'm happy to hear that you took some time to tell your husband what he means to you. It seems after kids come into the picture our focus shifts to kids instead of our spouses.

November 7, 2011 at 1:47 AM  
Blogger Sela Toki said...

Such a sweet post. Children happens and then life automatically revolves around them. We just need to make time for the hubby unless he's willing to wait until the nest is empty! LOL.

November 8, 2011 at 11:57 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

I'm so glad that you have a place to go share things like this with. It's important to get it out there and not keep it inside. Especially when writing is such a big part of your life now. It's also very brave of you to write it out anywhere. As always, we look for the silver lining in really bad situations, or at least we try to, and perhaps, this whole experience has really brought you and Todd closer. Who knows? Just know that no matter what happens, I am here for you and I love you very much. XOXO

November 8, 2011 at 2:22 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Such a beautiful post. This was happening to my husband and I so we started making more of an effort to have some couple time where we had real conversations and spent quality time together.

November 8, 2011 at 3:52 PM  
Blogger Just Jennifer said...

I know that feeling so well, when you feel you simply MUST tell someone something and it's all you can think about until you do. And then you feel such a relief once you do. Now, just don't forget to love on each other some. :-)

November 8, 2011 at 5:56 PM  
Blogger Charlotte said...

This is such a beautiful post and I'm glad she made it a point to tell her husband how much she loves him. I imagine that sometimes life and kids get in the way of such things; but the important thing is to make the effort.

November 8, 2011 at 11:55 PM  
Anonymous A Mother's Thoughts said...

Lucas is a very lucky fella to have you as a mom! You are focused. You children are your first priority and there is nothing wrong with that. Your husband understands, that it's always like that in the beginning. Being a parent is hectic!!


November 10, 2011 at 1:37 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Beautiful Tonya. Best wishes to you and your family.

November 10, 2011 at 7:32 PM  
Anonymous Robin | Farewell, Stranger said...

I'm so behind on commenting, but this is so poignant. Love to you, T, and fingers crossed for success.

November 11, 2011 at 1:23 PM  
Blogger Sara Barr said...

Tonya - this post is so intense to even try to imagine and so emotional for any woman to read. We often say the three words, "I Love YOU", as if it's a way to get off the phone, or to send someone on their way, or whatever..... I'm reminded today and always to say "I love YOU!" and really emphasis it every time I speak it because I truly mean it. I LOVE YOU!

November 11, 2011 at 10:29 PM  

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