Pour Your Heart Out: Loving AND Liking
If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.
But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.
Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.
Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)
I always love my husband.
But, sometimes, I don't like him.
The little things get to me. Maybe even some big things, too.
Going back "home" to visit family and friends last month didn't help. Because I realized just how much I missed everyone. And was jealous that he had that all the time. And though I made the move last year, knowing what I was leaving behind and also knowing that it was best for my family, it doesn't stop my feelings that I'm the one who really made a sacrifice with our move, while it made his life easier and better.
Add to that all the time that he works. Even though I appreciate just how hard he works for us, it's still hard when he's gone for most of the time that our children are awake. And when you aren't spending much time together, it's sometimes hard to remember why you like your spouse.
Or, you know, stupid things like how he does a half load of laundry that is just HIS clothes, instead of filling up the washer with the dirty clothes that are sitting right beside the washer. Or drinking the last Mountain Dew. Or using my shampoo.
So, I've been sort of crabby with him. And he's been crabby right back.
Then, the weekend before last, we went to a festival. We brought the boys with us and walked around for a while.
But, then, we took the boys to mil's house.
And went back to the festival.
Alone.
We walked through the festival and went to a restaurant to eat. We sat out on the deck, overlooking the water. Ordered drinks and our favorite crab dip.
And we talked. About silly things. Things from before we had kids. Things from before we even met. Saw people out on the water, kayaking. And made plans to do that soon.
We went back down to the festival to listen to music. Watched couples dancing. Hubs suggested that it would be fun for us to take swing dance lessons.
Something happened as the day wore on.
We actually started to like each other again.
Smiling, laughing, making plans.
We picked up the kids and headed home. Stopped to get a movie that we watched that night, cuddled up together.
It was a good day for us. And a great reminder to me that we have to make time for each other, so that we don't just love each other, but like each other, too.
Ironically, I wrote this post yesterday afternoon...all full of love and sparkles...and then he irritated me last night. Go figure.
Tell me: what do you do when you are still in love, but not in like? How do you get that lovin' feeling back?
Please try to link up below- if it isn't working for you, leave the direct link to your post in your comment and I will add you here.
Labels: Hubs, marriage, pour your heart out
posted by Shell at
12:01 AM
78 Comments:
I don't think there's a better way to get the "like" back than spending time and being silly. The "like" will come and go, as long as the love is there to bring it back, I think we're good. :)
Oh, and now I want crab dip. At midnight.
Hmm, I thought i was the only one who loves my hubby but just can't stand him sometimes! A night out on the town without children and some good ol' bedroom quality time usually will do the trick! Now, I want crap dip too. Or lobster dip--they have a fabulous one at Firebirds.
With all that is on our shoulders right now, and the fact that we work opposite schedules and have no money to go out, I feel like we are more roommates than married. It sucks. But I know we will make it through.
And your post made me feel less alone ;)
We just had our 30th anniversary and I can certainly tell you about not liking your spouse anymore..happens way to often for my liking.
We both have birthdays coming up and hope to go out alone and enjoy ourselves for a change.
We have our good days and bad too. It's hard some days. I keep telling him we need to go on a date. As sad as this is when we go to Spokane for my Grandma's funeral, we will be alone for 2 days and it will be nice! I think we forget to ask for time for ourselves and it's so important to reconnect.
I'd answer your question except I'm heading for a divorce. So... I moved away from all my close friends over 12 yrs ago to live where he was from and to a degree still hate it here. I mean it's MN where it's super cold in the winter and humid and buggy in the summer. I have some good friends, but it's not the same. It's hard not to be bitter. Won't be moving because now this is my kids home. Kinda stuck cuz I'm never leaving them.
~Mimi
PS glad you remembered you still dig your hubby!
That time alone together (not spent talking about bills or problems or stresses) is the most important thing....and something that my marriage does not have enough of.
You are on the right track with what works for us, you need to date each other still. You need that one on one time and doing things together.
I'm pretty sure there is not enough crab dip in the world to convince me to like my husband again, but it sounds like you two are very lucky to have each other!
This is one of those posts I don't have a comment for. Yikes. But I did hit publish on my dad post... just for you. :)
It's hard sometimes not to get caught up in the stresses of the daily grind. BDC and I always feel better when we take some time to be "us" again. Away from the kids, away from the bills, away from the stress, an escape to when we fell in love. Makes you remember why you chose this person as your partner for this life! ;)
I'm really loving reading your Pour Your Heart Out posts! This is so true. My husband and I go through this a lot! Especially since we rarely have date night or time to ourselves. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the daily mundane. It can be exhausting. We always feel better when we can steal some time away and have an uninterrupted conversation. You've inspired me to set one up soon. We could sure use one!!
Here's hoping you two get back "in like" too :)
Good question Shell!!
Good question!!
Erm... stay far outta their way until you can stand to be in the same room without throwing something??
Make them a sandwich and a coffee and plonk it down on their desk and say "I am doing this because I am trying to be forgiving and I'm hoping that it will work soon...?"
Look at photos of happier times and try to remember the GOOD things?
Write a nice blog post about them saying all the things you LIKE about them and hope that by the time you hit "publish" you will mean them ALL???
Ahhh, I'm all out here.
No clue.
xx
Okay, obviously I can't answer your question, because with a blog name like "Single Mom in the South" I didn't do so well with the liking/loving thing, but YAY for you two for making the time, because it is so easy to forget when daily life gets "sticky" (catch the reference:))
And I DO say to my kids frequently, "Mamma loves you more than she can say and always will, but I don't LIKE your behavior so much right now!"
Over the weekend I fell back into Like with my husband and as the week wears on and us out we fall back into routine and the mundane.
It's all about balance and sometimes it's just not there. I try not to let it go on for too long but I start to build grudges.
Communication and Connection....whenever you can.
I can't answer that question right now, I don't have an answer.
It's great that you know the way.
I sooo hear you on this one!!! And usually, it's a date night that brings us back together. My husband is also a physical love language kind of guy0 he needs touch and sex to feel connected. So sometimes... I admit that I go that route just to calm things down and then plan a night out.
And just my personal opinion... it sounds like you still have some stuff to work out from the move. Until you get that resolved, there might always be that underlying tension...
That is a good question, because I feel the same way and especially more so in recent months. Marriage takes lots of work and it requires both husband and wife to work at it. Two people fall in love,then get married and then you have to bring those two lives together and make it work.
I've found that it's best to not sweat the small stuff like using your shampoo, not picking up his clothes, leaving a 1/4 glass of milk in the jug, forgetting to take out the trash or leaving the kids in pj's all day aren't worth getting irritated over. Especially since I'm sure there are things that drive my husband crazy about me. Take the "like" moments and reflect on them and make sure you get that one on one time together.
You have to remember why you fell in love and why you decided to get married. That is the basis of your relationship, the foundation. You have to have a strong foundation to keep the marriage strong. If you ever need to talk, email me. I'm with you.
It is so easy with the stress of kids to get annoyed with your spouse that is why it's so important to take time for each other. To remember what you actually like and love about that person.
This is sweet, but I had to laugh that he irritated you again last night! So typical. ;-)
We fall out of "like" a lot...or at least, I do. But a little one-on-one time (or me crying like a baby to him) usually fixes things.
We have a night out without the boys coming this weekend. Just once a month helps tremendously.
Oh Shell, I can totally relate to the first part of your post..the dislike, and the move that gave a closer relationship for your husband and his family..My story didn't turn out as great as yours..My husband (ex) became a child again to his mom, which she loved..
I don't ever think that I've ever once said I don't like my wife. I don't ever once think to myself that I wish things were different. I guess it's just the way I was raised, the vows that I took, the way I see divorce taking and took a toll on my family, etc.
I get past that. Its gone in a fleeting instant.
Not to say that the wife doesn't annoy me at times and vice versa. Walking away and when ready to come back to discuss that which is bothering you is best. Not talking about whatever issue what's on your mind is the most harmful thing that you can do. Then and only then can you learn from your mistakes and grow as a person.
Thankfully my wife and I both agree to do just that, and we learn and grow together.
Speaking of together, we never aside from our birthday dinner/anniversary dinner/gift shopping/holiday shopping/weddings do things without being an entire family.
Makes us stronger as a family and that bond carries us through the long hours and long weeks both of our jobs enforce on us in order to live the life that we do.
There really is no time apart, as if there was, it would be unfair to our son who's in day care all day long as we are in work all day long.
So for us, the time we all have together, albeit short like you described when your husband is home doesn't allow for those annoyances to occur much. And thankfully for that, we miss each other too much to allow that to happen.
Good post and my advice to you is to appreciate him more, and in return, he will or at least should without "coersion", appreciate you more back.
If all else fails, fall back on your vows and remember, "for better or worse".
Because it could be alot worse.
You have it good. Remember that.
Isnt it amazing when you reconnect... That happened to me last year,,, hubby and I went on an overnight trip.. we had dinner alone and i actually said to him ... "oh ... i forgot that we used to be best friends and I liked you...lol"... I think its human to feel like you want to ring your husbands neck at times.. (well im hoping it is...) hugs!!!
Little inside jokes and "suggestive" comments seem to help relight the spark for us.
It is really hard to stay in like all the time!
((hugs)) Miss you!
great post!
Sometimes I don't like my husband either. In fact, these days with the stress of life and a new baby, we don't like each other more than we do like each other. But it's a stage... all marriages ebb and flow, and at the end of the day, we love each other. Marriage isn't about happy fluffy feelings, IMO. It's a commitment, and you make it work even when you have those "I don't like you" days.
Those first 2 sentences are where I am lately.
It's hard to get time just the 2 of us, but even something as silly as sitting on the couch together watching football or hockey while making silly little jokes can be a reminder that we like and love each other still.
We some need some time to be silly and together. We're really snippy with each other right now and feeling disconnected. Hmmm...maybe grammy can watch the little one for a bit this weekend.
Bleh. I totally get where you're coming from on this. And it's not like you want it to be over or anything like that, you just want him to pick up his own darn socks (oh wait, that's me...). Date nights help. Always.
I think we are too soon into our relationship for me to relate. Although I've been there (with my ex). Danny and I have only been together 2-1/2 years and have barely lived together a full year yet so we are still all mushy and probably annoying to everyone around us cause we like eachother so much. LOL Give it a couple more years right!? haha.
I think the best thing you can do is just what you two did, get a babysitter and hang out just the two of you. You need a lone time to keep your sanity and to re-connect.
Were you in my head this weekend? :) Usually - I just wait. Dh was a prize winning jerk to me last night. I didn't like him at all. He called me at 7 this morning to apologize. I knew he would get over it and I would too. Just takes time for us.
It was sweet to read about your date. It's so needed isn't it? We're about to celebrate our 10th anniversary and we're spending 4 days in the Loire Valley - the longest ever without the kids. woo hoooooooo!
But on a regular basis, hubs decided never to watch tv alone anymore and now we go to bed at the same time, even if it's just to read side by side. It's companionable and that helps us.
I totally know what you mean! At the end of July, we drove to a wedding with the girls that was 2 hours away. The girls just watched their DVDs the whole time and we just talked and talked. By the time we got there, we were holding hands in the car! And we both said that we missed just talking like we used to.
Hubs and I are in a phase where we are bickering a lot right now. We've come off of about a 2 year period where generally speaking we've been very close and gotten along well.
Not coincidentally, the 2 years were the toughest emotionally and financially that we've had in our 13 year relationship.
It seems to me that we do best when we have to pull together as a family and when there's no time or energy to quibble about the small things. The less we had, the less we fought.
Now, we're back on our feet, and things are good and we can't seem to get along
I keep telling him we just need to remain poor to be happy. :)
I make this joke with my husband all of the time, I love you every day, but I don't like you every day.
This past week he is more on the "I don't like you" side. I hate not liking him, but then, we enjoy a new wine together, or a new movie, or go for a random drive in the country and get lost (both of us having to pee BAD). Those times I start to like him again.
Then the next morning I am sleeping on the sofa because he wouldn't keep still the night before and he wakes me up with a vacuum cleaner because that's what every good husband does at 8 in the morning.
I loved your post :) I could really relate. thanks for sharing!
I never get when couples tell me that they have spent way to much time together and thats why they aren't getting along... They more time I spend with my hubby the more happy and connected we both feel. Sometimes we have to make ourselves go on a date weather we like it or not because the end result is so worth it.
Visiting from SITS
Connecting, and staying connected, can be so tough. I understand the aggravation in moving somewhere you don't necessarily want to be because it's better for the family- and that can really take a toll when you're the one whose daily life changes more than his. I mean, he works and has a routine wherever he goes, right? (I may be projecting a bit here.. ahem.)
I'm glad you got some time, and sorry he ruined the moment the same evening you wrote this! Men. Sigh.
Shell!
I really needed to read this. I have been in this place with my husband for 6 weeks. And we've HAD babysitters but it's always been for something we had to do for other people. A bachelorette party, a wedding, a wedding, a wedding, a hospital stay...so leaning on those people more or being away from the boy more haven't really seemed like an option.
I guess just knowing we're not alone in this feeling is good for us. Thanks for posting. I'll send some shampoo as a thank you gift.
Awwww, Shell. Your writing always gives me goosebumps all over.
When you're with someone for a long time, it's easy to lose sight of certain things... like the importance of spending quality time together. I love that you enjoyed a beautiful day at the festival and that you are vowing to one another to go kayaking and take swing dance classes together. Gestures like these prove your dedication and devotion to one another, something many other couples struggle with.
And I know what you mean about the little things that start to irk. It's the socks on the floor, the dishes that don't find their way to the sink, the toilet paper roll that always needs to be changed... but it sounds as though you're both learning which are the important battles to fight... and that can take a lifetime.
Have you seen the show "Parenthood"? I think you might really enjoy it if you haven't seen it already :)
I totally know what you mean when it comes to feeling like you're the only one who's sacrificed. I moved 2000 miles away from home to be with him and we are close to his family but far from anyone I care about. I've been here 7 years and I'm still struggling on finding friends here. It's hard not to get mad at him when he's putting in his 80 hour work weeks and I'm taking care of the boys alone and struggling with my health.
There are times where I am so frustrated with him. I think the one thing we do is take some time to ourselves and doing something for us. Problem is our kids are so little it's really difficult to get away when the kid is on tap.
I say that to hubs when I am annoyed, "I love you, I just don't like you right now", stress the right now...
When we can we try to take a date night but more often than that we try to take one night a week that we are both home, get the kids to bed, neither of us opens the laptop, no one does anything around the house and we just be us, cuddle, watch a movie/tv, or something else to fill the time.
Remind each other why we liked each other in the begining!
I love that when I read your posts, I feel like I've written them myself. That's one reason we blog, isn't it? To feel connected, like someone else is experiencing the same things and living through it somehow.
My response to your post is a big fat DITTO.
You made me tear up with the first section about not being in like anymore. And I had a huge grin on my face while reading about your date. And I totally got your last statement about him ticking you off again after you wrote the post. Everytime I decide I'm going to love my husband to pieces or that he is absolutely amazing, he does or says something that makes me change my mind.
Marriage is such a flip-flop of emotions.
Silliness is the key to any relationship.
Only I'm not in a relationship, so clearly I'm just making this up.
p.s.~ Why don't you allow the Name/Site option for commentors? It's ever so much nicer.
It's true we get to that point too, good for you for finding that spark again to like each other. Sometimes it's hard. But we when we are at that place, we have to make the effort to spend some time together talking. Communication really does help. Thanks for sharing because it's so easy to reach that point with the day to day grind of life.
It's been so long since I've had the love part (sad I know) I'm not sure I can remember overcoming the not liking part. It's nice to hear about it though :)
When the like goes out, you have to work harder at showing some 'like' to someone that isn't likable at the moment. It will take hold and grow and he'll start liking back.
Shell, I identify with this SO MUCH. We've had a few rocky weeks, and I am at my wits end. I am going to study the comments section, and hopefully we will both find some answers....
I have so many things in common with you. sheesh.
Lots of love in my home. Always. Like? That takes work ;)
Honestly I've had to let go of most of my mental list. You know the one where he should pick up his socks and pants, put the dirty dishes in the right place, spend a set amount of time playing with his daughter.
I still remember the list, but I don't hold him to it.
I ignore stuff. It helps me be a better wife.
I absolutely feel this lately, as the twins are headed toward 3...I find that we are more like Friends, or referees with them than Hubs and Wife with kids..
and I never really put much thought into the 7 yr itch but I think I have it, I don't want to cheat, I will NOT cheat, but somewhere in me, I want to my hubby to WANT me, to make me feel like a wife and not a mom, a prison warden ..etc...you know????
I want to feel beautiful and amazing to him.....I know I AM...but I want to FEEL it.
when we have times like this, we go to NYC by ourselves, or get a sitter and go to dinner and a movie and it helps, to just be us. I'm really hoping that we get to do it a lot more often...
HUGS
I'm trying to figure that out myself... right now. :-(
Mine does the same thing with the laundry. One day to will hear about it on the news when I go postal!
I find if I make the point of talking to him no matter how tired we both are, it reminds me why I liked him. Dates are always a good thing!
The elusive alone time. Can't remember the last time that happened. I also noticed that when we get cranky with each other? The kids also get cranky. Which makes me feel like an awesome parent. NOT.
Anyway, you are so not alone!
Spending time together without the kids helps to remind each other why you like each other. We try to make time for date nights at least once a week (even if they are just at home dates.)
I don't know, but if you find out ... please let me know!
I feel the same exact way with my marriage. It's like everday he irriatates me ... usally with stupid stuff (oh, and he does the EXACT same thing with the laundry!) and then we have a great night and I remember the spark at the begining.
Maybe love and marriage is all about trying to remember those moments while living in the sometimes annoyance ... I don't know ...
Everybody has different stresses and issues in their life. Even if you love someone unconditionally there are times (sometimes more often) when you don't see eye to eye and you dislike each other.
As long as there is strong love and respect the loving feeling ALWAYS finds it's way back. Sometimes it's quick and sometimes it takes little work and little time.That's what makes it interesting and unpredictable.
Sounds like you had a really nice time with him...and I think that the more time you spend like that, the more you remember why you're together to begin with :)
This happens to me more often than I care to admit. But, I think it is natural and healthy as long as you still love him. When I feel that way I just have to try to remember all the reasons I fell in love with him and it usually works. It is nice to hear we are not alone.
I think intimacy and being in love and in like wax and wane. Sometimes you're so close that the love and like is almost palpable and sometimes you go through phases where you're just not connecting. I think it's totally normal and something that either a long talk and a good bottle of wine or just time can fix.
I find that flipping him the bird when he's not looking always gives me a bit of satisfaction.
Great great post. This was never an issue for us pre-motherhood but is a constant one now. Finding the time to be a couple is so very hard and you are right, without that one on one time, resentment builds.
I have to tell myself all the time "pick your battles"
We really need to start having date nights. Heck I get excited when we go for ice cream together.
It made me laugh that he irritated you again last night because that is just the way it goes, right? Thank you for your honesty! I appreciated this post so much. I love my husband, but sometimes I want to put him in our backyard boulder launcher and release it. Maybe next time when I get mad at him, I'll buy a bunch of those generic Reece's peanut butter cups you say you like so much. :)
Love the classic line..."I love my husband, but sometimes I don't like him!" Think we've all been there and I'm quite sure my husband has felt the same way towards me. But heck that's a marriage for ya, right?! Great post, thanks for sharing!
I think it's awesome that your husband suggested swing dancing lessons. My husband would never. He'd probably be all, "Wanna go to some Taco Bell?"
"Fake it 'til you make it." And hold on to those good times.
I just LOVED this! Although I do get irritated quite often with my husband, I believe that our commitment to weekly date nights have kept things fun between us. Sometimes we have a rough week, but then we get our alone time once a week to rekindle the flame :) It really does help. Marriage is HARD, there is no doubt about it.
I try to do something for him that he will appreciate.
It sounds like you had a wonderful time. Swing dance lessons sound great. I used to go swinging dancing when I lived in Washington.
That's great! My wife and I have those moments all too often, so we make it a point at least once a week to have some alone time. Spending time w/ and investing in our kids is important, but they're going to get old and (hopefully) leave the house one day, and that woman I fell in love with so many years ago? Well, I hope I'm not only still in love with her, but I like her and that we'll enjoy decades of childless bliss - until the grandkids anyway.
I can so relate to you. There have been many times where it has been extremely hard to like my dh. I always love him.
Wow girl, you had 70 comments. You rock
To keep the like in your marriage I think you have to do just what you did take time for one another. I think once the kids come along we can get so wrapped up in them we forget each other. Then the not liking comes around. I also think that keeping in mind if you can't change something you have to change your attitude also helps me.
Nobody ever said being married was easy or for that matter figuring how to juggle everything would be either. Darn it.
i do not like my husband at all. he irritates the shit out of me 99% of the time. and he is never home. but that is good. bc when he is, he irritate the shit out of me that last 1%. yes, we should prob be divorced but we have 2 kids together and a deal is a deal. we have to raise these kids first and then worry about this other shit later. we do not argue or fight, generally, we just do not fit together at all. and i wish i could say THAT on my blog but i can not.
I try to remember how we got here in the first place.
What is causing the reason for the love but not the like, is it stress? Or maybe the need to get out myself and I try to fix what isn't working.
It is hard, I can so relate.
We have those days especially since my husband works long hours and has to travel sometimes. We talk alone just the two of us and lay it on the table. Then we "like" each other again. I sometimes forget that it can be just as hard on him as it is on us. Sometimes I just need to hear him say that to make it better.
If you figure out the secret to gettin' that lovin' feeling back, let me know.
I totally know what you mean...I definitely don't like my hubby all the time either, and Lord knows I'm no picnic for him!!
Making time for each other definitely helps. We're doing an overnight date in Boston tomorrow night and I can't wait!
The best way that we reconnect is to have sex and stay up talking or watch a movie snuggled on the couch or take a date night. We both seem to know when the other is feeling a little blah and I will actually cook dinner (I suck at cooking) or he will mop the floors. Little things like that.
It's so hard...when you're in love but not in like. It takes time and a conscious effort to get back to the like part.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home