Pour Your Heart Out: A Glass of Forgiveness?
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But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out. There isn't ever a theme or topic that you have to blog about- it's completely a pesonal thing.
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Please grab the button for your post and link up!
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Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)
Forgiving.
I can forgive people pretty easily. An apology goes a long way to help with this.
But, I have a hard time forgetting.
Once someone does something to me that really hurts, it's always somewhere in the back of my mind.
Images in this post are from PostSecret.
Those, I write off so easily that I can't even think of an example to tell you about- because, well, they really are forgotten.
I'm talking big hurts.
Intentional.
Or doing something to break my trust.
Or my heart.
I will give someone another chance. Or even mulitple chances.
But, because I can't forget, the relationship changes.
I was going through something that I didn't want anyone to know about and I chose you to confide in? And you were the only one I told....and yet, everyone knows my secret? We can still be friends, but the next time I go to tell you something, I will stop and think about it, remembering what happened last time. And so, our friendship won't be as deep as it was.
If you went around trash-talking me and lying about me to people and then later
My mom wants to know why weren't aren't close. Maybe it would be because she has decided that I'm not her daughter at different points in my life. You see, I can forgive her and let her back in my life, but I just can't forget. So, no, we'll never be close.
I feel things very deeply.
Hurts stay with me.
Even with a sincere apology, I just can't completely forget.
I've been told that it's not really forgiving, if you can't forget.
But, I see it as self-preservation.
Labels: pour your heart out
posted by Shell at
8:53 AM
109 Comments:
Forgetting past hurts would be nice, but it's so not always possible or prudent. People who hurt you--especially habitual offenders--are likely to do it again. One of my best friends always reminds me, when I'm on the verge of making a bad choice, like trusting the wrong person, that past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. I really believe that's true.
I'm sorry that your Mom chose to cut you off by deciding you weren't her daughter. I can say with confidence that, by doing that, she's missed out on sharing the life of a completely amazing person. I don't think it's wrong to chose to keep her at a distance; you have to make sure that you protect yourself, since she's proven that she won't do it for you.
Love PYHO, as always. Thank you for hosting it.
I SO agree with this. It can't help but stain the relationship. If you can't trust someone, then it's a very surface-y thing.
Thanks for hosting the linky. This is my first week linking up!
Wow. It's hurts the most when it's family that does stuff like this to you. She is the one who loses by doing that to you because she has missed out on what an amazing person you are.
I feel the same way about people, if you treat me like that don't expect me to ever be the same with you again. It's hard because we'll never be in THAT place again. Hope that you find peace somewhere and can go on with the relationship you two have now.
love ya girl.
I was just having this same conversation with a friend a few weeks ago. He asked me why he should tell me things if I was just going to bring them up later on...well the thing is I forgive but I don't forget. How can we forget...are we meant to forget? I don't think so because if we forgot how would we learn. I think in time we don't maybe think about it as much but the experience is always with us.
Great post girl!
Happy Wednesday!
agreed. Sometimes the best thing to do is put up barriers. There is a good amount of healing and health in setting boundaries.
Oh man!! I so agree with you. I can forgive but NEVER forget. NEVER!!
Damn Shell, you and I should host a support group! I forgave my sister for every slight over the years (and there were many), because she was my big sister.
When my Mom died, she finally crossed the line and I can never, ever forgive her.
It makes Christmas awkward because my Dad insists on the family being together, but I cannot and will not have anything to do with such an intentionally hurtful person.
We have to take care of ourselves, even if others may not understand it.
As always, thanks for the PYHO.
I am so much the same. I can forgive quite easily...but it is very hard for me to forget when it cuts to the core.
Thank for sharing. I have been thinking about forgivness the past few days and then saw your post. I don't think in order to forgive you have to forget. Don't they warn that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it?
I think the only one who can truly forgive AND forget is Jesus. We're only human. And best I can remember, He tells us to forgive 70 x 7 or whatever, but nothing about forget -- I think He knew what to expect!
I feel your pain, very deeply at the moment.
My mom and I are not speaking. I am waiting for an apology from her that I know that I will NEVER get.
I can dream, right?
But, I am with you....I can forgive something, even a HUGE something, but I will NEVER forget.
For me forgiving is simple as well forgetting is something I can never do I remember every detail of my days and big stuff grinds at me ...You can only forgive and let it be but you certainly don't have to forget and make it be something it isn't
Soul Sister.
I am exactly the same. Exactly.
Love you!
Deep hurt cuts to the soul of people as passionate as we are Shell. When you feel that deeply, love that deeply and share to your core, a violation just can't be forgotten. Not when the trespasser was so close to us, or family.
Thanks for sharing your raw emotion with us!
I agree 100 percent. I'd have a hard time even forgiving with the situations you describe.
My mother used to say that too. "I can forgive, but I'll never forget." I've always thought that was impossible. If you can't forget, you have not forgiven.
I am the exact same way Shell! I will forgive (although sometimes it is sooooo hard) but I have a hard time forgetting. I am experiencing that right now...one of those friendships where I have been very hurt. She is trying to make her way back into my life (her other buddies have all moved away). I am being friendly but will never ever forget the hurt she has caused or her reaction when I told her how hurt I was. She ignored my feelings. What do you do when our girls are best friends and she lives across the street. You can't ignore, you just forgive and not make the same mistakes again!
First, I love your site and I'm so glad I found it!
I can relate to your post very well. I think that because we forgive someone doesn't mean we have to restore the relationship to what it was. In several cases, I've completely cut ties with "friends." My husband doesn't understand how I can write someone off but that's because he's extremely good at forgiving AND forgetting. I admire that in him but it's just not how I handle things. When someone crosses a certain line there is just no going back.
Once you break my trust or hurt me, I will hate you forever. It's who I am.
I'm just like you, I will never forget if someone hurts me. But, I tend to let that person back in way too easily. I also have a hard time forgetting if I hurt someone else. There are things I did in my teens that I didn't fully understand the hurt I was causing other people. If I think about those things today my heart hurts. I'm pretty sensitive all the way around I guess.
Luckily for the "slighters", as I get older my grudges become as faded as my memory.
Unfortunately, it's not forgive and forget...It's forget and forget for me (-:
I think what is most important is not the forgetting but rather the change that occurs after a hurt.
Holding on to the hurt gives the other person control.
We have to find a way to be stronger then that and move on.
It is not about where we've been but where we're going.
What a struggle it can be. I wish it were a wee bit easier.
Once again, Shell, I find that you are singing my song. Often, just when I think one of those 'big' hurts has faded enough that I've almost forgotten,something will trigger a feeling like I'm right back there again...I won't get angry, and the person who caused the hurt is still forgiven, but it's SO hard to forget!
I'm the same way. I can forgive but I don't forget! We are going through a lot of issues with my husband's family and it has reached the point of no return for me...what's been said and done will always be in my mind even if they do make up.
I don't think forgive and forget go together. Like you, I can forgive, but forget has its own ball-park!
Not forgetting is very important for living and learning. Not forgetting saves us from our mistakes and others mistakes. If we forgot everything, we would continuously get "burned".
i think you said it just right: self-preservation!
Totally with you on this one. I have always said that...I can forgive but I will never forget. It sounds like you always take the high road and you are the better and most fabulous person for it!
Well said!
I forgive just about anything....forget, never. Once a line is crossed, you can't go back. I have family that I am polite to and invite into my home, but will never be friends with because of the hurt they have caused me and my family needlessly. Thank you for putting this so well.
Didn't you once say you had a falling out when you moved away from "home?". Is that when it started and what did she say to you exactly? I mean...beyond what you said above. I know there's more to this.
I'm the same way. I move on, but it's always there, in the back of my head. it doesn't help that I get hurt easily either.
I still remember the first time my mom told me to shut up. I was probably 7 or 8, and those words stung. I remember crying. Thinking that all this time, I had been told that "shut up" was mean and hurtful and bad, and my mom just said it to me. I think about it all the time, and have vowed to NEVER say that to my children, at least not in a mean spirited way.
Some people just don't deserve to be given another chance, and/or your full respect and trust again. And no one should feel obligated to make things all happy if the hurt is too deep.
I can forgive but I too struggle with the forgetting. I forget the details, but not that I was hurt. It's hard. Thanks for sharing!
I feel the same way-- I'm pretty quick to forgive but if you've REALLY screwed me over I might never forget. I wish I could!
Wow, Shell! I'm struggling with this same thing. I know I'm supposed to forgive according to God's word. But it's so hard to forget. Especially when I feel like I need to protect myself from being hurt again. I have a very close relationship that has been damaged and I'm not sure if I will ever be able to go back to the way it was. The way I was. I'm not mad, or holding a grudge. It's just me protecting myself. Great post!
Forgiving does not mean forgetting. I'm the same way. And those big things definitely change a relationship - usually not for the better.
I've given you a Blog with Substance award. please stop by my blog and pick it up!
I'm right there with you!! I can forgive, but have a SUPER hard time forgetting. Thanks for another great post!
I don't think I can forgive for big things if you have to forget to forgive, who can forget when someone really hurts you?
I love postsecret! And I really enjoyed this post Shell!
I agree with Much More Than Mommy - we are only human, & forgetting past hurts only allows them to happen again to be honest. Only Jesus can truly forgive AND forget!
when it comes to these deep hurts, i have a hard time forgetting so i don't even try to forgive. i just know i'll stew on it.
Wow. I understand what you mean, especially when it comes to betrayal.
Forgiveness sets us free but we still have to protect ourselves and walk away from hurtful people.
Oh, I completely understand how you feel. I am the same way. When someone hurts you deeply, it's hard to get back to the same place again. It's darn near impossible. (hugs)
Thanks for sharing this. I had a similar situation with my mom, who has a big mouth, and I should have known better. She opened her big mouth, and almost ruined my relationship with one of my sisters. It's really hard to forget, even after you forgive.
In my estimation, whoever told you that you haven't truly forgiven unless you've forgotten was DEAD WRONG. Forgiving is giving God control of the situation. It is trusting HIM to redeem the situation. It is giving up your right/desire for retaliation. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting--It's hoping and trusting that despite the bad event/situation, things are going to be better.
My final thought is this--whoever is forgiven is biblically mandated (Luke 3:8) to demonstrate "fruit in keeping with repentance"--IE--they must show they've changed :)
Excellent post--it resonates!
I tend to forgive for myself rather than the other person. It's always a relief when I can let it all go ... but, I rarely forget!
Thanks for the great post!
I have a hard time forgiving, let alone forgetting. I think sometimes I forgive the wrong people for the wrong things and don't forgive the right people for the right things. I know as a Christian I am supposed to forgive everyone and love everyone but it's so HARD. I tend to be harder on those closest to me.
You know, I think it's ok not to forget. It's how you learn. I believe you can truly forgive, but still remember ... even if it's just remembering the lesson learned from the hurt. You don't want to repeat mistakes, so you have to remember something. It's God's place to forgive and forget. Well ... that's just what I think :-) Great post.
Forgiveness is difficult for me anymore. It used to come easily, not so much anymore.
*HUGS*
forgiveness does not come all that easily to me. there are those who I have chosen not to forgive.
I have given my mom the benefit of the doubt and forgiven her a few times but after so much I decided I could take no more. I also decided I didn't want my children to be placed in that position to have to forgive the hurt. so I have made a major decision to keep them away from her. unfortunately they have never met her. Do I wish things were different? sure I wish I had a mother that was my BF and I could go to in times of need but I know that is not her so I have to be ok with my decision.
So true about forgiveness vs. forgetting. I'm sorry you have to deal with the hurt caused by someone who, you would think, would never cause such pain.
I think that's pretty fair actually.
I remember my mom teaching me pretty early that when I lied to her, I was giving her reason not to trust me the next time.
I hated the idea of not being trusted and I've carried that with me in how I interact with other people.
When someone has burned me in the past, I have let them back into my life but not back into my trust.
It's pretty painful. I can relate to that.
Turning the other cheek doesn't automatically wipe our memories clean.If we did we would be etch-a-sketches instead of people. Loved the blog and snagged your button. Thanks!
My rule I live by is never to confide in someone who tells me other people's secrets or business. You can not trust them!
It sounds like we may have had pretty similar experiences with our parents. Mine was my dad rather than my mom. It took me years to get back on speaking terms with him and I know that our relationship will never be the same.
I'm sorry you had to go through the same thing.
Oh girl, you summed it up for me exactly. I am the same way. xoxo
Meh, I think the whole forgive and forget part is a metaphor. I mean, I CAN forgive you, and I CAN "forget" in the aspect of not lording it over you every time we have an argument or something, but some things, you can never really forget, even if your heart has peace and your heart has healed.
Most of the time I don't think humans can forget. And I don't really think we're supposed to! You touch a hot stove and it burns you ... you learn to stay away from a hot stove. We need to do the same with people who would choose to hurt us. Forgiving really doesn't have anything to do with forgetting, and it's not saying it's okay, or it didn't matter, either! Because if it hurt you ... it's not okay and it did, and does, matter! Forgive is simply choosing to allow God to choose their discipline rather than attempting vengeance and retribution ourselves!
I'm sorry, for whoever here, did your hold your secrets in confidence. I'm sorry that you have lost your safe place, and I'm sorry that all of us will be a little less close as a result. I wish it was possible to fix that.
Parent/child relationships are so tricky! My older two (step-kids) were always Daddy's kids and pretty much still are. The step in my definition doesn't help. And I was always the stricter one. The one with higher standards, etc. And although I love them and they love me ... we are not as close as I would wish. My youngest (my only bio child) I am much closer to but I was an older, wiser, and more laid back parent. And he was a different child. We are close and yet he is pulling away and flexing his wings and my heart breaks .... just a little.
It's not easy to be a parent ... especially of an adult child who makes choices for themselves that you would not make for them. It's also not easy to be a child who feels a nagging guilt for making those choices! And it is natural for the child to be the one who pulls away. If the parent cannot, or does not, allow that separation, or if the parent forces the separation before the child is ready ... I think it leaves damage in it's wake.
Well ... there ... I have written you a book! :) One thing I am sure you know, sweet Shell, you have a Father who loves you! And a friend who will always keep your secrets! Lean on them when the going gets hard!
I completely understand. I struggle with what forgiveness means if you don't forget too.
P.S.
I am sorry for whatever happened between you and your mom. Maybe that topic is for another day....or not.
That's a great post. I've had family members try to destory my life before. They've never admitted to it - I "think" I know who it was, but because of it I can't trust any of them.
After five years, I can talk to them and be cordial. Be Facebook friends and all - maybe go out to dinner or family functions, but they will never be an active participant in my life. It's sad really... I finally forgave them, but I'll never forget.
AWESOME, AWESOME post! One of my favorites I've read :)
I think that is what they mean by saying words can kill.
I still remember hurtful things people have said to me and I probably always will.
Awesome, and I total get it...it's one of the reasons I may never be able to work for a female boss again. I can forgive the backstabbing, but I will never forget it.
I am the same as you...I just can't forget. And I think of it as forgiving the person for having faults and making a mistake, but not forgiving their actions.
Honey, I'm TOTALLY with you. I think remembering can be healthy as long as you aren't obsessing. If we forgot, we might make the same mistakes again, whether it was a mistake we made or a mistake someone else made. And I couldn't forgive myself if I let that happen.
I have forgiven one HUGE hurt in my life. I love dearly the one who intentionally performed this atrocity against me. I do not assume that they are planning on ever doing it again. But things between us changed. They had to. The person at fault understood and accepted the changed was necessary.
However, I live with this memory every day. Every. Day. Some days more pungently than others. But Every Single Day. I don't mope about it. I don't dwell on it (usually). But I do remember. Vividly. More vividly than the offending party. And I do still hurt because of it.
But I have chosen to keep this person in my life. And that is part of the package I have chosen.
I'm the same way: I can forgive but I can never forget. So it makes it a difficult balance sometimes.
I am exactly the same way with 99% of people. If it's my husband or my mother, I can usually get past it, as long as it's not a monumental hurt, in which case, I probably won't forgive in the first place. I agree that it's self-preservation. I won't get hurt twice in the same way by the same person. Hang in there!
I am sorry that you were hurt in such a way that made it so you couldn't let a person back in. But I agree, after we are hurt in such a way, we do what we must to protect not just ourselves, but those we hold closet to us.
You are not alone in this.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for the comment on my blog!
This is a great post. I sort of touched on it on a post last night to follow up one of my post it messages.
Forgiving is a huge act and to forget is asking for the world. I'm sorry but if someone's hurt me I can accept an apology but you will never be the same person to me again. I'm only human. Don't they say forgiveness is Divine, they mention nothing of forgetting.
I agree with this so wholeheartedly. I've forgiven a lot of people for a lot of things over the course of my life and I've never forgotten the things that hurt me. In many cases, I eventually just didn't talk to the offender anymore after awhile because the friendships were never quite the same.
It's sad to write people off like that, but in the end I have surrounded myself with a group of friends that I know would never purposely hurt me.
I know what you are saying. If someone hurts me, I will eventually forgive them but it will be very hard for me to forget.
wow. It is easy for me to forgive but I have a hard time forgetting too. Every so often things creep back in. I just can't dwell on it. I guess the not forgetting part makes us human.
I'm not sure it would be wise to forget. I think having your guard up a little toward that person is a good idea.
Girl, I've had so many people do awful things to me in my lifetime. And it sucks--really, really sucks.
I may smile at them--and if they're lucky acknowledge them. But in the end I will never forget the hurt they caused--and continue to cause when I think of those times.
xo
Awesome blog! I LOVE IT! I grabbed your buttons and put them on my blog and I will add you to my blog roll.
I think its true forgiveness even if you cant forget. I have been hurt by people and I forgive them...but I dont forget. I agree with you completely. But then when it comes to my son - its hi and goodbye. Yea someone did go low enough to insult my 7mos old son. I forgive them because they are just that sad to do so. But I am choosing to leave them out of our lives. We dont need that kind of negativity. I just pray for them & leave them in Gods hands. No use wasting my brain power on them ya know? I dont think the hurt can really go away...can it?
XOXOXO to my very best friend.
I actually forgive and forget too easily. I just find it easier to move on. BUT, I'm married to someone who never forgets and has a hard time forgiving too. Which means that if someone messes with me, I might forgive, but my husband... never will.
Which can sometimes be worse!
Shell this is an amazingly honest and heartfelt post and resonates with me so very deeply because I am the exact same way and yes, it is about self preservation. When anyone hurts me deeply I cannot forgive and forget. Over time I can accept what has happened but just like you, the relationship is changed forever.
I'm an elephant, I NEVER forget.
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma, What's For Dinner
www.mawhats4dinner.com
My post was along the same lines as yours except you actually manage to forgive!
I am kinda the same way, but I get over the hurt more easily.
I am commenter #83?! You are a blogging magician!
I am the same way. I can forgive, but then I am left with a nagging doubt, a feeling that makes me question things---pretty much forever. I actually wrote a post that I had to revise because a family member was worried about who might read it- about this...trying to forgive, and my inability to do so. In the end, I wish that I had acted differently in one situation, but even now..though I forgave....I still wonder if I can trust.
Forgiveness is a little like revenge...a dish best served cold.
I go into self preservation mode almost every time and have a situation right now with a sister that I am just not willing wo put myself out there again...
I know what you mean here. ANd forgiving is even harder when someone has deeply hurt one of your cubs. I have dealt with a motherbitch and her daughterbeotch's. It was a lot of drama and petty crap for me and my daughter. We have moved on, but yeah the hurt stays.
Big acts of betrayal are hard to forget...I have one of my own with my brother. I am working up my courage to join in this one day.
Some things in life can be a bit harder to get over even tho we can do the forgiveness part.....but its ALMOST Imppossible to do the forgetting....especially depending on the impact of it. I myself am going thru a similar phase to where I have done the forgiving but can't seem to move on from the forgetting. I'm not bitter with it, but its seems to play a role in ma personal space of life. I made up in ma mind that I was gonna work at it to no necessarily forget....but to let go. I pray you find that peace. *smile*
I can forgive but I can't forget either.
I relate so much to this post! You've just inspired me to be more honest with my writing - I need to blog about things like this, too.
Oh Girl... I'm just now reading this. I completely understand this, and agree with the "self-preservation" part. Once you know what someone is capable of doing, or how they can be at their ugliest, its soooo hard for that relationship to go back to how it used to be. I have the same type of relationship with my dad; it's just easier to think of him more on a surface, frienship type level than a father. This PYHO was amazing, so much so, I needed a day to think of what to say to you :)
It is the forgetting that is the difficult part. And I do agree .. it is self-preservation. You cannot truly forget an intentional and malevolent hurt.
And Post-Secret gets me every time. They are like perfect little art pieces that just say so much with so little.
I couldn't agree more, there's certain hurts that shouldn't be let go. It keeps you from making the same mistake again with that person or another. I move on quickly, but some things get tucked away in the back for a lifetime. I'm ok with this.
Wow. Thanks for the raw honesty. That's kind of refreshing because everyone preaches forgiveness, but I think a lot of people are like you.
We are very similar about that. I forgive, but I don't forget. It comes back and causes even more damage sometimes, too.
If there were just an easy way.
nice meme you got my dear^_^
everyone of us had suffered enough just to prove that the world isn't a bed of roses for always...
difficulties and trials are always a part of life
Forgiveness is hard but Jesus did it for us all to saved from our sins...
we're only human beings and it is normal to get angry on things we don't like--
Move on and have a happy and peaceful life...
i am a new follower from POUR YOUR HEART OUT hope you can swing on to my blog.
have a nice time^_^
wow my dear I can't forget and I try to forgive but I have a hard time on that. I'm working on it.
I might have to print this out and give it to someone. Self-preservation, indeed.
I, too, was moved by those recent postcards. Yes, it's important to forgive, but that turning the other cheek thing is just not for me.
Holy moly!! 100 comments?? How do you keep up??
Anyways -
I dont forgive and forget easily at all. Or ever actually.
I can SO relate, that I cannot read any of the other comments.....still too tender.
HOWEVER,
with God's help,
I WILL reclaim my joy,
my worth (that depends on NO human).
For HIS sake alone,
will I forgive....
with HIS mercy, His love.
Only for Him,
will I conquer
as many moments with freedom/peace that I possibly can!
The joy of the Lord is my strength,
and NOBODY will steal that from me!!!! again.
I refuse to give the enemy another foothold.....he's stolen enough!
Wow! I totally understand and agree. It is hard to forget.
I am pretty forgiving, once, twice, but after awhile I am done.
You know what I always wonder. When you see on the news that someone has been murdered and their family says they forgive the murderer. That just boggles my mind. I don't think I am a good enough person to do that.
Wow, I'm so sorry you've experienced this much pain from someone in your family. I can't imagine what you're going through but you are right to keep your guard up. Chances are, if it's happened before, it'll happen again and there are just so many times in life we can allow someone back in to administer the hurt all over again.
I hope you find the peace you are looking for and I also hope that you can resolve some of your underlying issues with your mom. Though it's an effort that would need to be reciprocated on her end as well. Best wishes to you and thanks for such an honest post--I know this couldn't have been easy to write.
I definitely think forgiving is the easy part...the forgetting not so much.
I have a few girlfriends who have burned me. Forgiving is almost necessary because we have mutual friends and it's easier than rocking the boat, but our friendship has never been the same and never will be. It's kind of sad, but it's the way it needs to be.
Thanks for stopping by today! I haven't commented in a while, but I am keeping up with what you're up to!
I agree - I don't think we are supposed to forget. Because remembering is how we learn, do we really need to be hurt over and over again? And so often the things that hurt aren't one-offs, that's who they really are. So were we really so close before? Or did we just not know the truth.
I dropped in from Lady Bloggers, I'm glad I did it was a thought-provoking post.
Just stopping by from the Lady Bloggers society Tea Party! I love the design on your blog!
Nice to meet you :)
Stop by One Fine Wire if you get a chance, I'd love to have you!
www.finewire.blogspot.com
Stopping by from Lady Bloggers --- interesting take, and love the background!
I think remembering is like any other form of reprimand. Cause and effect. You're right. It's all about self-preservation. Live and learn.
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