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Friday, March 18, 2011

Blog Friend Feature: A First Pregnancy Scare

There are a few people who have the ability to always make me laugh. This week's Blog Friend Feature is one of them. Her posts, her tweets, even her comments- make me crack up! She's quirky and off-beat and the kind of girl you know you would have a blast hanging out with.

Megan from Best of Fates is not a mom blogger, but she does have this hilarious post about a time she thought she was pregnant.

Pregnancy is frightening.

There's the nausea, the pickle cravings, being accused of eating a baby* - each concern piles upon another. If the pregnancy is unexpected, there's the worry over what others will think. Friends, local celebrities, your parents - all standing by, waiting to judge you or send taunting fliers about the cost of child care.**

I was sitting at a desk, daydreaming, when I first had the thought.

"Am I pregnant?"

My mind started racing, imaging just how could I tell people, what I would do, but most of all, questioning just how did this happen?

I was a good Catholic girl.

I attended weekly mass and confessed my sins and hardly ever sold drugs or illegally downloaded music.

Why would God let this happen?

Was it because I watched Pretty Woman?

(It does perpetuate negative stereotypes of couture saleswomen.)

(They're people too.)

(Fancy, mean-spirited people.)

Was it punishment for not eating my vegetables?

(Has God tasted peas? Because blaming me for his lack of flavor inclusion did not seem all that "just and mighty" to me.)

My fifth grade mind just couldn't figure out what I had done to deserve such a fate.

It also didn't fully understand how a girl got pregnant.

But however it had happened, the result was obvious. Pressing my stomach into the desk in front of me I could clearly feel a heartbeat.

What could it be but my unborn child's heartbeat?

(Brace yourself for the twist ending.)

Turns out, it was my heartbeat.

Turns out, I wasn't pregnant at all.

Not that I was informed of my barren womb***** by a medical professional. I was too ashamed to tell anyone of my coming bun, given it's placement in my unmarried and oh-so-young oven.

I kept my frightening knowledge to myself. As days and weeks and months passed I never confided in my mom or dad or best friend or loyal beagle******.

I don't remember the moment I regained confidence in my childless state. Yet gradually my fear faded and one day I looked back and realized there was very little chance I was about to be a mom.

Yesterday I told my best friend the story of my traumatic heartbeat and discovered she also had a childhood pregnancy scare. Attending a dance with her middle school boyfriend, the costumes required them to wear each others' clothes. This included underwear, and following the dance she slowly convinced herself that his underwear had gotten her pregnant.

Hearing this story filled with a sense of vindication and a strong desire to do my laundry.

I'm not suggesting that all people have a childhood pregnancy scare story, but rather that disproving my assumption, I'm not the only one.

This is all the rationalization I need for my happiness. For if an embarrassing incident once also happened to a stout man in Romania, then isn't it just a universal human experience and nothing for which I need to feel shame?********

*I've never actually been pregnant, so might be wrong about some of the issues involved therein.

**Different people show love in different ways. Like how when you're a little girl and that boy in your class pulls your hair and throws rocks at you and you have him arrested for assault and battery and fraud. The lie you told about him stealing your identity to assure the maximum sentence? That's means you like him.***

***You won't realize that's true until a college psychology class taps into your deepest soul and informs you that you were once Cleopatra and then an insignificant butler in Victorian England and your only chance at true love was little Timmy so you should hope that boy's got himself a MySpace page and is currently open to new paramours.****

****I sometimes confuse psychology with pseudoscience because they both have more than three syllables and are in the same encyclopedic volume. (You should enjoy that reference because you're the last generation that will understand it.)

*****Barren might be a strong word. Currently unoccupied? Though given the first *, it is possible my womb is barren. Truly, there is much medical science still doesn't know about my womb. It's like the last space frontier. Or Alaska.

******Named Muffins*******, my beagle was sweet and snuggly and a voracious eater, though she never once attempted to use a typewriter. Though I never provided her with one, nor was I particularly supportive of her possible literary dreams, so maybe that is my fault.

*******Though a singular dog, her name was a plural noun. Because I said so, that's why.


Best of Fates

I know you had to snort with laughter at least once during her post, didn't you? Please leave Megan some comment love and then go follow Best of Fates if you don't already!

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Blogger Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

I never had a faux pregnancy scare, but there was a point in my life that I was convinced (thanks to my grandfather) that if I ate chicken noodle and stars soup I'd turn into a star.

March 18, 2011 at 7:09 AM  
Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

LMBO! I can honestly say I never had this experience when I was still in a virginal state... you see, I walked in on my parents for the SECOND time - really, if you get walked in on while on the pull out couch once, wouldn't you learn???- when I was 7 and at that point, my mom explained it all, so I knew EXACTLY where babies came from and to stay out of certain rooms late at night :)

March 18, 2011 at 7:09 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I love Megan, she is genius in her funny and this post just proves it. Hilarious and I'm going to visit her now to tell her so one more time.

March 18, 2011 at 7:15 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I love all the disclaimers. What a fun post!

March 18, 2011 at 7:30 AM  
Blogger Oka said...

Surprised my sister never tried to convince me I was pregnant when I was young. She tried to scare me all the time, with all theses different scenarios. Back then I was gullible enough to believe ever word she said. I mean, she was 6 years older than me.

March 18, 2011 at 8:08 AM  
Blogger Not a Perfect Mom said...

Megan cracks me up! I make sure to visit her a couple of times of week...

March 18, 2011 at 8:15 AM  
Blogger Tina @ Life Without Pink said...

Oh my I love Megan, she is so hilarious! I remembering thinking this as a young girl too...used to freak myself out..so naive, lol.

March 18, 2011 at 8:33 AM  
Blogger Kmama said...

I about died when I got to the part about her being in 5th grade. Hilarious!

March 18, 2011 at 8:41 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

Never had a pregnancy scare, just a real one lol. Too funny! I mean I'm trying not to pee my pants lol!

March 18, 2011 at 8:57 AM  
Blogger MommyLovesStilettos said...

LMAO! That is hilarious!! :)

March 18, 2011 at 9:03 AM  
Anonymous Heidi Smith Luedtke -- LeadingMama said...

Maybe this is more universal than you think? I can recall thinking that maybe I was pregnant. Being very scared and confused. And thinking "this can't be true because there would not be more than ONE immaculate conception and I've never had sex." Even that didn't make me feel better. But somehow the thought faded away.

March 18, 2011 at 9:52 AM  
Blogger Just Jen said...

Thank God my boss wasn't in the office when I read this, because I laughed out loud quite a few times. Eat a baby?!?!? Too funny!

March 18, 2011 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

That was pretty funny! I've had a few pregnancy stares, but I was a litle older than 5th grade!

March 18, 2011 at 10:26 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Cracks me up!

March 18, 2011 at 10:29 AM  
Blogger Mandi said...

Oh wow! She had me CRACKING up!!! She is awesome!!

March 18, 2011 at 10:43 AM  
Blogger Sonora said...

What a great guest poster. She is one of my favorites. I did have a to snort with laughter more than once. Once she finally said she was in fifth grade and then the part about feeling a heartbeat. So funny!!!

March 18, 2011 at 10:50 AM  
Blogger Amanda @ It's Blogworthy said...

Oh wow....she is hysterical!!! So glad she was your BFF. Off to check her out now.

March 18, 2011 at 10:54 AM  
Anonymous Ilana @ mommyshorts said...

This is hilarious! I remember the moment I found out how people really got pregnant and it was totally horrifying. Kids are funny creatures.

March 18, 2011 at 11:07 AM  
Blogger Suniverse said...


March 18, 2011 at 11:37 AM  
Blogger Helene said...

I sooooooo needed a laugh this morning so thank you so much for this!!!

Love her sense of humor and her storytelling ability is perfect!!!

March 18, 2011 at 11:47 AM  
Blogger kc said...

very funny!!! great BFF this week!!!!

March 18, 2011 at 11:59 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Ok. That was fun! Thanks for the giggles!

March 18, 2011 at 1:15 PM  
Anonymous Kimberly said...

I am dying...you convinced me that as I am wreched over laughing so hard at you Megan that I am dying because I cannot catch my breath...and amazingly while I'm dying I can still type up this comment.
You crack me up.

March 18, 2011 at 1:18 PM  
Blogger Jayme said...

I love Megan, she's one of my favorite bloggers- great choice, Shell!

Reading this makes me think Megan needs a baby. Think of the hysterical blog fodder! Megan with pregnancy cravings and symptoms? Megan in labor? Megan analyzing baby supplies? Dealing with baby bodily functions?

Do it for the blog, Megan.

March 18, 2011 at 2:23 PM  
Blogger Ma What's 4 dinner said...

Love me some Megan! She's awesome! Thanks for showcasing her.

Lots of yummy love,
Alex, aka Ma What's For Dinner

March 18, 2011 at 2:26 PM  
Anonymous Jessica said...

This is hilarious.

March 18, 2011 at 3:25 PM  
Blogger Rhiannon said...

this is such a great story

March 18, 2011 at 4:23 PM  
Blogger Crystal Escobar said...

Oh my gosh, that is too funny!
What a story.

March 18, 2011 at 4:45 PM  
Blogger Hutch said...

Hilarious! Loved every word. Thanks for a new blogger to follow!

March 18, 2011 at 4:56 PM  
Blogger Macey said...

THAT was awesome.

March 18, 2011 at 7:57 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I LOVE Megan! :)

March 18, 2011 at 9:15 PM  
Blogger Desperate Housemommy said...

You, Megan, are a HOOT.

I was all sweating bullets for you. Girl, I truly was. The horror of it all!

And then I ended up laughing my arse off.

Oh, how I love that 1-2 combo. Good stuff!

March 18, 2011 at 9:24 PM  
Anonymous Mom Went Crazy said...

Oh my! Hilarious. I lol'd for real when you said fifth grade self. Wasn't expecting that.

March 18, 2011 at 10:22 PM  
Blogger Lily Dawn said...

this post was awesome! =)

March 19, 2011 at 12:02 AM  
Anonymous Jacqueline said...

What a great story....I was told I would grow a watermelon in my belly if I swallowed a seed, and yes,I thought I got pregnant when I was in 4th grade because of a swimming pool. Following you from The Organic Blonde!

March 19, 2011 at 5:53 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Shell, thank you so much for bringing this blog to my life! Love it. I'm sharing it with all my friends!

March 19, 2011 at 9:20 AM  
Anonymous Shanon said...

"Was it punishment for not eating my vegetables?" Indeed! Megan, you are too funny!

March 19, 2011 at 11:15 AM  
Blogger Emmy said...

I had to go back and reread it with all the * inserted in, so funny! Definitely will have to check out her blog

March 19, 2011 at 12:36 PM  
Blogger MrsJenB said...

I absolutely love this. I read it for the first time yesterday, on the train...and that 5th grade line made me laugh out loud. There I go again, looking like that crazy person on the train. Thanks a lot. ;)

March 19, 2011 at 7:18 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

I got a giggle. Off to follow:)

March 20, 2011 at 11:09 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Oh this is so funny. I knew quite early on what would cause a pregnancy so never got my knickers in a twist (either literally or figuratively) over it.

March 22, 2011 at 12:16 PM  

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