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Friday, August 27, 2010

BFF: Expectations

Just real quick before we get to today's Blog Friend Feature- my oldest has his first day of Kindergarten today and Hubs has his surgery to remove his tumor(benign) from his foot this morning. Update: dh is home from his surgery and doing fine. It's a little crazy here today. But, I hope you all show lots of love to today's BFF and I'll catch up with you this afternoon and this weekend!

This week's BFF is someone that I wish could be my neighbor. Because our boys could play together while we chatted- she's someone that I think I would just fall into that easy sort of conversation with, where you don't worry that the person you're spilling your secrets to would ever judge. Meet Kerri from Kerri's Klutter.

My brain's junk drawer is getting full.

I find myself falling back into a bad habit so I’m cleaning shop and ridding myself of expectations, the ones I put on others as well as the ones placed on me.

I’ve got quite a few in there. {{Shaking Head}}

Lately, I've been overloading the rules for the boys with what I expect them to do rather then what I want or need them to do.

When they don't listen when I call them to me, I will say, "When Mommy calls you I expect you to listen and come to me."

It’s such a trap and they know it.

I want them to listen but my want does not get conveyed because of the expectation that they must do it...

There is a ginormous chance that they won't listen because they are children but I need them to understand that I need them to listen.

Rather then continuing to create an expectation of listening and a result of failure I think I'm going to start saying, I need you to listen or I want you to listen because it changes the eventual outcome from failure or accomplishment to listening or ignoring.

If my boys learn what I am teaching them about expectation they could begin applying the logic, if I don't listen to Mommy I expect Mommy to yell. Then they test the boundary to see if I live up to their expectation.

I need to change my ways in order to change theirs.

Personally, I would rather they grow up with the understanding that if they want Mommy to be happy with them they need to listen to her rather then having a fear of failing Mommy’s expectations.

They don’t need the extra limitation.

Life is already a struggle.

Expectations are a tricky thing and I think they come hand in hand with wanting to be in control.

From the very day we're born not only do we have expectations to live up to but we also develop our own expectations of people and the world around us

In relationships, even before that awkward first date or the first playgroup meet up, expectations loom. As if it's not enough stress maintaining a light conversation with someone you've just met, you've got the gut feeling of being scrutinized making you want to run away and hide. Sadly enough, we sit there picking them apart in return. If even one of our expectations is met during that initiation though, we want to search deeper, "get to know them better" and see if they measure up.

Just how realistic are our expectations anyway and why would should we expect things to be a certain way?

Shouldn't we allow our relationships to take their own course?

Who are we to coerce it in a different direction?

Every day life changes who we are and having friends and spouses expecting things of us adds such an unnecessary palpable pressure.

I know I don't function very well as a person, a friend or a wife when I feel like I'm being stuffed into a box full of the "idea of me".

What would our outcomes be with little or no expectation placed on us?

Expectations lead us down a road of disappointment and hurt. When they are not met, we feel unappreciated and not loved enough all because the behavior of others towards us is not what we expect it should be.

Why not allow others to love us in their own way?

There is a "foundation of want" inside of us all and we carry it into all our relationships.

I want to be treated with respect, listened to and treated fairly and equally. I want those I surround myself with to be interested in some of the same things I am. I want to be understood. I want to be liked and loved.

These are just some of my wants.

Our wants are all different.

I can not expect everyone who I come in contact with to fulfill these wants for me. If I expect them to I will be disappointed, surely.

Too many expectations (coming and going) start to hurt who we are inside.

Things under pressure will normally end up cracking. Our friendships will dwindle, our marriages will weaken, and our individuality will suffer.

We must exchange expectations for wants/needs and be understanding that not everyone will possess the ability to fulfill them all or any at all.

Sometimes the pieces just don’t fit but that’s okay because we ourselves have all the missing pieces.

"To protect yourself from being hurt, it is best for you to not have any expectations at all."

Is it better to expect nothing or to want everything we desire?

Shoot for the moon.

A friend I lived down the street from while growing up and with whom I attended school was recently told by doctors that they only expect him to live 2 months due to an aggressive and rapidly spreading tumor on his spine.

If someone were to place that sort of expectation on you what would you do differently today?

While we may rely on them up to a point, don’t let expectations define your wants.

Anything is possible.

Please leave some comment love here for Kerri and then go follow her blog if you don't already!

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Blogger Rebecca Dot Com said...

SHE has such a fun blog! I love her blog! she's one of my favorites too!

August 27, 2010 at 7:28 AM  
Blogger The Mommyologist said...

I will check her out! Hope that hubs is ok!!

August 27, 2010 at 7:32 AM  
Blogger Crisc said...

I left you an award =)


August 27, 2010 at 7:45 AM  
Blogger Kel said...

Well written Kerri! I am definitely an over achiever, so if someone put the expectation on me that I could live 2 months. I would fight to exceed their expectations as I do with every thing else. I am so sorry for your friend/neighbor.

Shell - Good luck with kindergarten and hubby's surgery. Neither is an easy task to stand by and watch.

August 27, 2010 at 7:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this on wants vs. needs! Something that I am struggling with now that the business with going back to work has amped everything up.

August 27, 2010 at 8:12 AM  
Blogger The Princess of Sarcasm said...

I'm heading over to check out her blog!

Hope your hubs and your oldest both do well today. But most of all, I'm pulling for YOU to have a good day!! #teammommy

August 27, 2010 at 8:14 AM  
Blogger Kmama said...

What great logic!

Good luck to your hubs and Monkey today!!

August 27, 2010 at 8:51 AM  
Blogger Di said...

Hoping all goes well with Kindergarten and surgery!

August 27, 2010 at 11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great choice! I absolutely LOVE Kerri!
I hope your hubs is doing okay and your Monkey enjoys his day at school. xoxo

August 27, 2010 at 12:51 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Wishing your son and husband well today, Shell! Thanks for stopping by today. :-)

August 27, 2010 at 12:52 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Yep, I know what you mean about expectations. I'm gonna go check out your blog now!

Shell - thinking of you today! Hope all goes well on all fronts :)

August 27, 2010 at 1:03 PM  
Blogger Sassy Salsa girl said...

Yes, anything is possible. I prefer to think the anything is going to be something good though ;D

August 27, 2010 at 1:18 PM  
Blogger MommyLovesStilettos said...

YAY! Love her!

August 27, 2010 at 1:27 PM  
Blogger Babes Mami said...

Glad hubs is doing fine!

August 27, 2010 at 2:09 PM  
Blogger Me said...

So it's your fault! You're the one who broke my memory card!

Thanks for stopping by my blog.


August 27, 2010 at 2:10 PM  
Blogger Sharlene T. said...

Gonna go check her out... love the way she defines the differences between wants and needs...

August 27, 2010 at 2:24 PM  
Blogger MommaKiss said...

What a great choice for BFF, fab post! Makes you think, I like that!

August 27, 2010 at 3:23 PM  
Blogger MommaKiss said...

What a great choice for BFF, fab post! Makes you think, I like that!

August 27, 2010 at 3:23 PM  
Blogger Beth Zimmerman said...

LOVE Kerri! Excellent BFF choice!

August 27, 2010 at 8:56 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I have loved these blogs you feature- I have added them all to my reader! I'm excited to go explore her blog, Happy Friday!

August 27, 2010 at 9:05 PM  
Blogger Lourie said...

I am going to go and visit her.

As for you...well your week sounds eerily like mine!! I hope your husband is doing okay. Take some deep breaths now and then. ;)

August 28, 2010 at 12:37 AM  
Blogger Tammy said...

Shell, you and Kerri rock! :) Love you both! Kerri, you need to take the cleanse that Shell and I are taking, The inner mean girl cleanse...all about that mean girl inside with tons of expectations etc.! :)

August 28, 2010 at 2:26 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I never thought of expectations that way, but I guess it's a good point. Personally, I have rather high expectations for myself as well as those around me. This can be good, but it can also come back to bite you in the ass.

Hope all is well with your husband's foot!

August 28, 2010 at 1:00 PM  

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