Pour Your Heart Out: The First Edition!
I hate that I even have to say this, but, whether you are participating or just reading, please keep in mind that the people linking really are sharing something from the heart. So, please, BE RESPECTFUL. We might not agree with each other, but we can all accept someone's right to have a different opinion than we do and NOT attack someone because of this. Play nice. :)
*****
If you would have asked us both around the 2 year mark how long we thought we'd make it, the answer probably would have been: probably not until 3 years, unless the divorce papers haven't quite gone through yet.
And then the comments and emails came flooding in.
With so many of you telling me that you went through something like that in your marriages, too.
Yet, we often don't talk about this. I mean, you don't want to walk up to the girls at the playground, plop yourself down on the bench beside them as your kids run around, and say "Hi, I'm Shell. Did you know that my husband and I almost got divorced?"
Or, even people that you know a lot better than that. I still don't want to admit it.
I worry about them looking at the two of us, judging. Looking for cracks. Betting on if we really will make it. Gossiping. Speculating about the cause of our troubles.
But, it wasn't anything scandalous. From the email conversations I had with quite a few of you, it's really common.
Adjusting to married life can be difficult. Even being head over heels in love, it's still an adjustment.
And, when you first add kids to that, it's even harder.
For Hubs and I, we went from being a spontaneous couple who had a lot of fun to Hubs freaking out over supporting us, a baby who refused to sleep for longer than 2 hours in a row for the first 6 months of his life, and me feeling lost because I no longer had friends around, and I wasn't working any mre. And then later, we had a huge move and job stress, and adding another baby to our family.
We took a lot of our frustration out on each other. (Not physically, no abuse- that's a whole different issue)
Our life together had dramatically changed. And it wasn't "easy" any more.
Isn't love supposed to be easy? Isn't that what we say to each other when we act like our marriages are perfect?
Thank God(and I do mean that literally) that Somewhere along the line, we grew the hell up and realized what it takes to make a marriage work.
It does take work.
What in your life doesn't?
Want to lose weight? You have to watch what you eat and exercise.
Want to a friendship strong? Be willing to talk/email, get together, listen, be there.
So, with marriage, there's work, too. Maybe you don't think of it as "work," maybe you cringe at that term, so how about "dedication" instead?
Making each other a priority. Listening to each other. Respecting each other. Yes, even having a physical relationship. That's the reason behind the Lovin' Challenge post that I wrote last week. If you didn't take it then, I encourage you to do it now. (Yes, I said "do it now.")
I do often wonder if we would help each other by acknowledging the struggles we've had in marriage. I know when I thought we weren't going to make it, I looked at the married couples I knew and wondered why it couldn't be as easy for us. What we were doing wrong.
When, really, I had no idea what their marriages were really like.
I actually broke down crying in my small group at Bible Study one morning over it. And do you know what? Of the 5 women at my table, 4 of them starting telling me stories about the rough spots that their marriages went through and how they came out on the other side of those struggles, knowing that they really were going to make it. And the 5th? She was a newlywed.
That helped me so much. Knowing that our marriage wasn't doomed, just because we had a really rough spot. Knowing that you can have those rough spots and make it.
So, I'm laying bare that for you today. In case you are going through a rough spot. Know that it is possible to work things out together and to have a strong marriage. Maybe even a stronger one, because you've realized that you can have fights with each other and yet still fight to keep your marriage together and win!
Hubs and I just celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary and expect to celebrate many, many more.
*****
Labels: pour your heart out, serious
posted by Shell at
6:33 AM
67 Comments:
I think this is something a mother should tell her children about. I also think that all people should seek pre marital counseling (something we didn't do), and these downs should be covered there.
When you are going through these downs, it's so hard to realize that you aren't the only one. It's good to count on people to help you through them. Yours was a perfect place to start. Nice to know you found a group of women that didn't acted judgmental.
I recently went through this with a close friend, she poured her heart out to two close friends. The other friend told her to leave dodge. All I could do is tell her that I completely understood her feelings, I have similar issues, and they don't mean the end. They are just obstacles you have to find the answers for.
Marriage is not easy, and it's even harder with kids, being away from family and friends, and in unknown territories.
You know the pastor that married my husband and I required that we go through pre-marital counseling with him. It seemed boring and useless atthe time, but I still remember some of his advice and have used some of it over the years. In addition to that I had the priviledge of growing up in a home with a mother that was very honest about marriage. I saw my parents fight, I saw them love and through all of that I saw how marriage "worked."
I think that your willingness to be honest about your marriage ups and downs is really going to make a difference to so many others especially your own kids. Speaking of kids, I should probably feed mine.
Great post and I think it is awesome that you put it all out there like that!
I couldn't agree with you more. Marriage is NOT what I thought it was going to be and it is definitely WORK. It's actually quite a pain in the ass at times, but I feel like I made a choice, and I made a commitment, and honestly anyone who I live with 24/7 is bound to get on my nerves, etc.
My hubster and I went through a VERY rough patch after having our son, but we've finally found our way back to being happy and remembering why we married each other. I think that the struggles only make your marriage stronger.
That and good inlaws, which I don't have. If I could fix that we'd be in tip top shape.
I think marriage is a work in progress. It changes every day along with life. My husband and I are beginning to emerge from two years of grieving from having lost three close family members in the matter of 8 months. Hubs is a different person now and I had to get to know him again. Some of my friends told me to pack the boys up and leave him. I couldn't imagine leaving this man. It was hard, still is, always will be...marriage is about growing with each other...every day and learning..always learning.
This has given me goosebumps. I'm still relatively newly married (8 months) but having come out of a failed first marriage I do understand about the challenges. I used to pretend that my first marriage was perfect - I think I was even pretending to myself because I believed that for the longest time. Hubs and I are trying for our first baby and i know that there will be rough times ahead but I also know that we communicate well and will be able to survive whatever comes our way. If I feel in doubt I'll pop back to this post and read it again. I love the button too and will strive to post a 'pour your heart out' poem very soon.
Thanks x
Great post Shell. I think every marriage goes through similar times, but we are so reluctant to divulge that, because of the reasons you stated.
I've been talking with a girlfriend of mine about her marriage, which is now in it's second year and they are in really rough spot. I told her about our struggles early on in our marriage and she was shocked. I guess we hid it pretty well. But like you, we are in a much better place now. That doesn't mean that it will last forever though...as with everything, there are ups and downs. But I think we're smarter now and can better handle the issues.
I think its great that you wrote about this! So many people act like their marriage is picture perfect when in fact every marriage has their ups and downs. My husband and I have been together for 14 years {ekk almost half my life} and married for 6 1/2 years and let me tell you sometimes he gets on my last nerve :) But life is more hectic now with the kids and we just talked about making more time for the two of us....its hard but marriage isn't always suppose to be easy.
So this was my first "Pour Your Heart Out", wasn't sure really what to write about...next time I'll try to "pour" more out!
Thank you for sharing! I wish the fact that marriage takes work and effort was more publicized and that people were more willing to talk about their struggles and difficulties rather than sweeping them under the carpet for the sake of appearance. It's good to know that you're not alone.
BEen there done that and trust when I say the things we have done and gone thorugh as a married coupel would make the hair fall out of your head. There is a reason my id is singedwingangel cause well I ain't always been there ya know. But I think the absolute best thing I have ever heard on marriage came from a TD Jakes sermon.. He asked a woman who had been married for 63 years how on earth they did it. Her reply? Never fall out of love with one another at the same time. When you hit the rough spot know that ONE of you will always love the other and the marriage enough to pull them both through. Even if the other feels like walking away the love and determination of the other is often enough to make them hang on and get through it.
When I heard that I thought that makes no sense. 15 yrs of marriage later I totally get it..
Three years ago I threw my husband out of the house. I wrote a post about it, but took it down because I'd feel bad if any of my children's friends saw it. But I had no problem with putting it out there.
For the past two and a half years we've been contemplating divorce. The fact that he works and lives out-of-state during the week has helped, as we've had our separate places from which to work. It's also convenient to tell people that, in this economy, it's the only place he could get a job and we're lucky and it's temporary and yada yada yada, but, truthfully, we have much-needed space from each other.
Our marriage now is better. We've been together for nineteen years. We are committed to making it work. But, truth be told, we've been separated for three years. We just have a "cover story" for other people. Some of our close friends know the truth, but for co-workers and such, we're a happily married couple separated by distance due to the economy.
Oh, well.
What a great post.
I used to believe until recently that love and marriage should come easily. Almost like a fairytale.
I was dead wrong. It does take a lot of time, and work.
I am glad to know that I am not the only one who has struggled with a new marriage. We are still struggling at times.
What a great post. Thanks for sharing with us. I agree, I think it's helpful to know that other people are out there that don't have perfect marriages (more often than not!) and it's nice to be able to have someone to relate to. I think it's much easier to talk about on a blog - than on a playground or playgroup with other moms. That's just a hard topic to approach in that situation.
I'm glad you and Hubs are doing great now and I'm VERY glad that he came out of the accident perfectly fine!!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!
First, I want to tell you how awesome you are.
Second, thank you for writing about this. I think there are so many things that we should be more open and honest with. We don't have to give the nitty gritty details, but it wouldn't hurt to just have more people admit that sometimes things get hard, but you get through it. Then maybe more people would ask for help, and then maybe we could help each other out. And it would be a very cool cycle.
Marriage is hands down the hardest thing I have ever done. It takes work every day and there are many days where I wonder if it is truly worth it. We keep plugging along every day though and the good times more than make up for the bad.
Happy Anniversary!
I totally wrote my 'pour your heart out' a few days ago when you first posted that it was coming, I was so excited and had to hold back posting it!
I'm not married yet,but I'm a huge preparer, and I like to have all my ducks as close to in a row as possible. I think this post was amazing and honest and I really appreciate that there are ebbs and flows to a marriage but that if you are careful in who you select from the beginning its worth fighting thru the ebbs with that person.
Thanks for this story.
Also, I hate that there has to be a disclaimer! I wish the blogging world were a little nicer.
It truly is amazing how common it is for people to struggle in their marriage. No wonder divorce is happening more and more. The sad things is people are getting married knowing there's an option for divorce if it doesn't work out. Marriage is a CHOICE, and so is love. You're GOING to fall out of love with each other, you just have to learn to fall back in.
What a breath of fresh air! Found my way here by Kmama and I have to say this is the most honest post I have read in a while. I think our feeling of not being able to talk about the peaks and valleys is due to the "fairytale" we are thought to believe that is going to happen...We will find our prince charming, get married, and live happily ever after. Well no one ever tells you that the "happily ever after" is work and I think the best thing we can do as parents is to teach our kids this and to talk about it. My parents never talked about it and then one day they were getting a divorce?! I think you will go through times in your relationship of being in and out of love you just hope that you both don't fall out of love at the same time.
That which does not kill us, can only make us stronger. I love reading your posts, Shell. You seem like such a strong woman, wife, and mother, and I am proud to call you my bloggy friend. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I will keep them close to my heart.
I agree 100%. I have been married for 11 1/2 years- married at 18!!! and we have had those spots too. Marriage, like life, is not easy, but you do what you can to make it work. You did a good thing letting this out.
Reading this came at the perfect time for me. It's good to know I'm not the only one who struggles with how to stay connected with my marriage in the middle of a life that does everything to disconnect me. Thank you!
I am that divorce mom. I was married for 10 years. The feelings of guilt and failure can be so overwhelming sometimes. I am in another relationship now...heck I live with a man, but I am so shy of it being anymore. Why? because of the rough patches we hit as well. All relationships do....it takes a whole lot of effort on both sides.
Amen Shell you keep at it and just remember being married is hard work but love is easy
I relate so well to your paragraph about going from fun and spontaneous to him stressing about supporting the family to a baby that won't sleep. Did ALL of that. It's amazing what you can get through when you really have the heart to do it, right? I definitely think being married and in love is a decision I have to wake up and make again every day.
Rockin' post, Shell. It's so important to share these things and see the support (and commonness of most issues) is there, but you're right fear and judgment keep us stuck. Champ and I will celebrate our 12 year anniversary in August. We have overcome rough patches in previous year and I know for certain there will be more ahead. I honestly can't even say that I have a trying marriage, but even little things can cause hiccups along the way and tempers (mine)to flare.
I'm trying hard to follow your lovin' challenge, by the way :)
Being in our first year of marriage, it is such a relief to hear this from other women who have been there, and to know that we're not crazy, we're not failing as a couple, and we can get through the bumps.
:)
What a great idea for a meme! (I just linked up.) And I love what you wrote. It's amazing how many couples go thru problems and don't talk about it because what people might say. We're a military family so we have definitely seen our fair share of ups and downs. It's always nice to know you're not alone in struggles. Thanks for your post and your candor.
What a great idea for a meme! (I just linked up.) And I love what you wrote. It's amazing how many couples go thru problems and don't talk about it because what people might say. We're a military family so we have definitely seen our fair share of ups and downs. It's always nice to know you're not alone in struggles. Thanks for your post and your candor.
Marriage, for the first few years at least, is one rough spot after another. It's hard, but I think if you really truly love that person...there isn't anything you wouldn't do to change things. One night, I was feeling especially down. Thinking to myself that we were never going to make it. It just wasn't going to work. Little did I know, Hubby was thinking the same things I was thinking. At the same time, we said something to the likes of "We've gotta change, or this isn't gonna work" at the same time. Maybe that was the part where we grew up? I'm not sure...but it's still not easy. Especially with a 2 year old.
The thing I struggle with the most is talking about how hard marriage is, because when Hubby and I got married...I would almost bet that there were people placing money on how long we would actually last. So, I feel like I can't talk about our struggles, because it would make those people happy. Happy to know that we're having problems, and they might just win that bet.
Thank you for posting this.. I mean it really thank you! I feel like me and my hubs are going thru this "rough patch" right now and Im so scared we wont make it thru, but youve given me hope so thank you!
Thanks for sharing this post. marriage / love is not easy. It does take lots of work. it's good to know that other's go through this in their marriage, too.
Great post! Marriage is always a work in progress. There are times when I would like to choke my hubs & sometimes I want to hug him & never let go.
heck yes marriage is hard work. My story is sooo long (I will definitely participate today after I get home from errands)...anyway I married my "highschool sweetheart" Only had a few other boyfriends before him...nothing serious ya know just the "going out" type of guys!
Anyway I got married at 21 and by 22 I wanted out. I felt trapped and felt like I hadn't experienced life! We kinda sorta split up for a bit while I went through what I needed too only to find out what I really needed and wanted I already had...it took this big struggle for me to see how lucky I was and what a fool I was for almost throwing it away. Since that year of course we still have our ups and downs but we work at our marriage constantly and just celebrated 11 yrs of wedded chaos and 15 years of being "partners in crime"!
~Jen~
Well said. I don't think anyone ever tells newlyweds how it really is - and they should. We came out of our Bad times stronger than ever, but it was a long, hard road.
I think too many people give up and call it quits because they don't know how common it is to be in that dark place...
What a wonderful post Shell. I agree marriage takes a lot of work with both couples. And we all have had our rocky moments. This July me and hubby will be married for 11 years. And last year he asked me if I wanted a divorce. Because my depression and mood swings. So I knew I had to take that step, go to the Dr and even a counselor to talk about what I was feeling and going threw. I did not want to lose my husband. I am glad I took that step and with the help of my "happy" pills I feel so much better about myself, my life and my marriage.
Shell I love this! I will participate all during April Autism month, because Autism is Frustrating at times! Bless you Sweetie!!
Such a great post and SO true! I am about to celebrate my 10th TOMORROW! I can't believe it. :)
This is definitely something every couple deals with-- and I think if they say otherwise, they're lying. Everything can't be sunny and happy all the time. When I was little, I had a cross-stitch in my room that said, "The sky would have no rainbow if the clouds had no tears." That put it beautifully, to me.
We sought both premarital counseling (through our church) and then went through about 4 months of couples counseling after G came along. It was the best thing we ever did. It helped us realize so many things about each other, and about our relationship.
Thanks for another honest post!
~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom
Such an amazing post! Hubby and I have had our rough spots, but you know what? When I was getting ready to get married, I met a very nice strange woman, while I was working in a hotel. We began making conversation and I told her that that was my last week working there as I was going to get married and move to another state. She told me, "Do you want to have a happy marriage?" I said yeah, of course.
She goes: "Read POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE." It's powerful and will always help with rough time in your marriage.
I was all...pfffttt! Please, we love each other (i didn't tell her this of course). I just nodded politely and took her piece of paper where she had written the book title and the author for me, as I thanked her.
As the day of my wedding grew nearer, I became nervous. I bought the book and began reading it. It's wonderful and I recommend it to every single person that is about to get married. My two little sister bought it because I told them about it, before they got married.
Anything worthwhile in this life, takes WORK.
I think so, anyway.
Wow, Shell thank you for being so open and honest. I have to say I have been there too. I think ever marriage goes through it. I am off to pour my heart out now.
I would love to respond to this and join in tomorrow instead of today if that's okay? I have waayy too much going on on Wednesdays (at the blog and at home) Haha. But tomorrow is Thursday, which at my blog is TTFY (take time for yourself) Day, where I try to pour my heart out anyways. Haha.
I truly hear what you are saying. Marriage isn't easy! It is always a work in progress. My hubby and I are pretty close but we do go through our ups and downs. I know so many friends who have just given up. It's an easy out. But when the next guy comes along it will be the exact same problems and issues.
I think if someone past newlywed says they've never had problems, they are probably lying. We had premarital counseling and it helped a lot, but there've still been some bumps in the road. I too, think we're better for it though.
There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Those of us who have been with our significant other for more than 5 years realize this. There WILL be ups and downs. I personally don't think it's a healthy relationship if there ISN'T ups and downs!
I had a hard time with my post today. I started and stopped then started over again numerous times so I ended up using part of my post from Sunday... Will try to be original next week!
This was a great idea for a meme...really...seriously. But I can't add much other than...this is exactly where I am at the moment...the "not knowing if we'll make it" spot.
It sucks...
It's depressing...
and well....that's just about it. Wish I saw this earlier, I would have played along :)
Pre-marital class made me realize that I should NOT marry my ex - but it took me a while after that before I finally called off the engagement. So I think those classes really do provide some insight!
Marriage is definetly work. But with some work, a lot of faith, and love it can be strong and totally worth it!
Congrat's on the good turnout for you first Meme! Wish I could've participated! Maybe I will write something insightful tomorrow and link up! ;-)
First off, Happy Anniversary! And I SO understand the part about growing the hell up. We waited 6 years to have kids. If we'd had our chicas when we were first married, we'd either be divorced or alcoholics...take your pick!
This is a great post.
I've been in your spot where I've looked at other couples and wanted their perfect marriage, when in fact I knew nothing of what their marriage was like behind the scenes.
Marriage does take work and if both halves are willing to put in the effort, marriage can be a wonderful thing. My husband and I have come back from some pretty low places as well.
I don't understand why some women feel the need to always appear strong, when in fact they have demons they are dealing with. I can be one of those women.
I love your post. I always say-
Breaking up is the easy thing to do.
Staying together is the hard thing and it takes hard elbow grease work at times but it is all worth it.
OH and PICK YOUR BATTLES!
I will play next week,the last few weeks have been hectic and I'm working on taking care of a few things so I can have peace.
My husband and I have definitely lived through some STRESS together, and learned that if we want this marriage to work we have to fight for it! It isn't a fairytale movie, and we don't always agree....but it is worth it to work thorough those issues to have all the great things!
I really appreciate this idea! Its so important to have somewhere to release feelings.
Marriage is hard. Besides being a mother I have to say that being a wife is hard--these two are so so hard. And, yep, they take work. Sometimes more work than other times, but when we were going through one of our rough patches I had to sit down. And picture my life without him.
And it was awful. I hated even thinking that...and made me start working that much harder to make it work.
Heart you chica. xoxo
OH - I would love to pour my heart out - but I cannot on my blog - see I feel like I have a blog stalker - she recenlty changed the name of her blog to almost the same as my private one and when I write a post she writes something nearly like it - she is related - somewhat but I barely know her - it is a little freaky.
The only married people who haven't had rough patches are lying or are still on their honeymoons.
I love you for telling it like it is. There is too much bs/paint a pretty picture in the blogosphere and in daily interaction with the Motherbitches.
I just saw this meme on a few other blogs and I'm bummed I missed out on the first edition. But I'll link up next week for sure.
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with us. Marriage is such hard work...Tim and I have had our fair share of difficulties. It's usually me who wants to just throw it all away and give up. He's always convinced me that our marriage is worth putting in the effort, when all is said and done.
It's definitely comforting to know that other couples go through similar things. I wonder why we feel we need to be so strong all the time about something that really shouldn't be so taboo to talk about with true friends.
Oh, I love this idea and the fact that you did pour your heart out in this post. When people let their guards down instead of putting on an act, this is when we can really start to connect.
Any married couple that would say they have "the perfect life" no bumps in the road, no blips on the radar...these are the peeps that aren't being truthful. Mostly to themselves. We've all had issues and they've made us stronger in the end!
Oh, I love this idea and the fact that you did pour your heart out in this post. When people let their guards down instead of putting on an act, this is when we can really start to connect.
Any married couple that would say they have "the perfect life" no bumps in the road, no blips on the radar...these are the peeps that aren't being truthful. Mostly to themselves. We've all had issues and they've made us stronger in the end!
I LOVE this idea...I am too late for this week. It really spoke to me..
"For Hubs and I, we went from being a spontaneous couple who had a lot of fun to Hubs freaking out over supporting us, a baby who refused to sleep for longer than 2 hours in a row for the first 6 months of his life, and me feeling lost because I no longer had friends around, and I wasn't working any more. And then later, we had a huge move and job stress (no baby for us - we would have been done for)."
That was us 5ish years ago. I became the crap catcher for all the work frustration, and we had just had a major incident with my family. It sucked. We worked through it...we moved and it turned out to be the best thing for us. We'll hit 13 years this year (yikes that makes me sound old). I have told hubby however I will not be the crapcatcher anymore.
I am going to mark my calendar for these posts.
What great participation. It is good to talk about marriages hitting rough points and what it takes to get over them. My husband and I counsel a number of marriages because of our role in church; however, we also have had counseling too.
I just wish we were all more open/honest with each other about our marriages and then we all wouldn't feel so alone when we're struggling.
I also agree counseling is THE BEST. we've done it before, and I think we'll be having to do some more again soon. We've been married over 8 years now and I hope we have many more ahead, but unless we keep the communication open, we don't have a chance. Marriage takes work and effort like anything else....
Great post, Shell!
I really love this "pour your heart out" idea. I think having an open forum for frank posts about love, marriage, motherhood, etc...will help many women realize perfection isn't something women have to have in order to be successful. I for one am tired of those women who continue to perpetuate the myth that everything is perfect and "I can manage career, marriage, motherhood, friends, yoga, hobbies and blowjobs no problem."
BRAVO Shell!
Well, where I am it's technically still Thursday and you did say I could post on Thursday. Haha. Better late than never I suppose.
I want to say thank you because, even though it's incredibly lengthy and I know that like NO ONE is going to read it, I love writing this. :)
Oh hunny I was there to! Those non-sleeping kids, and that post baby bod, and the PPD....Love/marriage is work, you need to work at it. Movies make up think it's all easy, if it's love it will be easy don't they? I think true love is hard, that's how you know it's real!
OK - this is a post I missed and I hate that I did.
I just saw it reposted on twitter and ran over to read. I'm sharing it with Preacher T tonight. We are not married and have only been dating for 4 months... but he IS the love of my life no doubt. (and we will likely marry... sooner than later!)
We recently had our first "disagreement/misunderstanding" We came through it ok - but I know it's because we both understand that there will be issues and we WILL have to WORK to get through them.
I LOVE this post!!!
thanks for sharing :)
Great post. It's always nice to know you're not alone. We've got a 6 month old and I find I focus on her way more than my marriage.
Found you thru Twitter talking about Blissdom today!
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