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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out: A Glass of How I Feel About a Personal Choice

*If you are here looking for the Back-to-School Celebration giveaways, the links are in my sidebar.

If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.

But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.

Please grab the button for your post and link up! Any linked posts without the button or at least a text link WILL BE DELETED. Not to get all mean and harsh, but some people are abusing the linky, so I've had to go to this rule.

Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)


The following post has been sitting in my drafts for over 8 months. I wrote it and then let it sit there because even though it's how I feel, I know that it's a touchy subject. And a personal one for people who have benefited from/could benefit from someone who feels differently than I do. But, I finally decided to go ahead and publish this as part of Pour Your Heart Out, because sometimes, when we pour our hearts out, what comes out is something that not every one will agree with....but it's real and how we feel.

I had this small group of friends, back before I moved...who would ALL be surrogate mothers IF THEY COULD.

None of them can or are medically advised against having any more children.

All either lost babies or had premature babies or both and struggled with infertility.

Me, I'm the one who can get pregnant as soon as Hubs says "Oh, baby!"

Why did they have the experiences they did and I had it easy?

I don't know.

Why did my Bear get seriously ill and other kids are just fine?

I don't know that, either.

I've stopped trying to figure out the whys.

But, one night, over some margaritas, the subject of being a surrogate came up.

And they all agreed that if they were able to or if their doctors wouldn't be totally against it, they would do it.

They would do it because they know the pain of wanting a child and not being able to have one.

They know the pain of losing a child.

And it would be the ultimate gift to someone.

Me, I kept my mouth busy by chugging down my margarita and signaling to our waitress for another one.

Because I think it's a very noble idea, to be a surrogate.

But, none of them can, so I don't know how fair it is to say that they absolutely would do so.

Because each of my children were mine as soon as I found out I was pregnant.

When I could see them on that first ultrasound.

When I felt them moving around in my ever-expanding belly.

Pregnancy drained me. I was always exhausted and sometimes sick.

When I was on pregnancy #2 and #3, I felt like a sucky mom to the kids that I already had. I was too tired to do the things I'd like to with them. Or I physically couldn't do something with them.

As soon as each of my boys was born, I felt that pregnancy was totally worth it. Seeing that little face...instant love.

I think my heart would break if that child who was just born was not headed for my arms, but someone else's.

I know, I know, I've heard that that baby isn't really yours, it's not your egg.

To that I say: I'm not attached to my kids because it's MY egg that they came from.

Maybe an alien implanted me with their eggs while I was sleeping: maybe all three of my boys are aliens- I don't know.

But, I'm bonded with them because I carried them and gave birth to them.

I don't think I'd feel any differently if it was someone else's egg.

I think I would walk around for the rest of my life, feeling like someone out there had MY child. And I'd want him/her back.

I wouldn't be able to be as good of a mom to my kids because I'd forever be mourning their "sibling" who doesn't live with us.

I don't know if I'd be able to recover.

I know that there are many different sides to this and many different ways to look at it.

I think that women who are able to be a surrogate are amazing and I know that they bless the lives of the family whose baby that they carry.

But, as for me, I couldn't do it, I just couldn't.



Blogger Unknown said...

Being a surrogate mother is definitely an emotionally trying thing. I don't think anyone can fault you for your reasonings. How can you hold it against someone that they would love the baby growing inside of them too much to ever let them go?

August 11, 2010 at 12:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I couldn't imagine - my Mom gave up her first baby for adoption, and she said that it was the hardest thing she had ever done.
Whether its your egg or not, a bond is formed

August 11, 2010 at 12:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

While I'm not close to having kids anytime soon, I honestly couldn't imagine giving my child up. While I do realize that some people want to do that, there is nothing wrong with knowing you wouldn't be able to. I think the hard part would be thinking you were able to and then feeling that attachment when it was time to give the child up.

August 11, 2010 at 12:06 AM  
Blogger Tracie Nall said...

I know what you mean....even though it wouldn't be my egg, it would be a baby in my body for nine months. Moving around and kicking....I'm not sure I could just hand him over at the end of labor.

Maybe if it was for a close family member, so that the baby would still be a part of my family and in my life.....but even then I think I would still feel that I was his mother.

I think it is beautiful that people can do this. But it isn't something that I think I could do.

August 11, 2010 at 12:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel the exact same way you do. I've always known it would kill me to give that baby up. That I just couldn't do it. I do think it's admirable and I totally respect those who have done it and will do it. I just know it's something I could never do.
Thank you for sharing this girl.

August 11, 2010 at 12:14 AM  
Blogger Cheryl D. said...

I couldn't do it either, but I'm glad there are people out there who do it. I really wish the adoption process was improved in this country. It's so hard to adopt. If the process were easier, the feeling for a need for a surrogate would go down, I think.

August 11, 2010 at 12:15 AM  
Blogger Laurel said...

I think you're amazing. It's so important to know yourself, to know what you can and can't do, and you wrote about this topic so beautifully. I'm glad you posted this.

August 11, 2010 at 12:18 AM  
Blogger Farah Jasmine said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

August 11, 2010 at 12:22 AM  
Blogger Farah Jasmine said...

Shell, I wrote a post yesterday about infertility for my "Makes It All Worth It Fridays." It's scheduled to post this Friday! I know that physically I can't be a surrogate, but if I could I would carry my sister's child if she ever needed me, but I'm not sure if I could do it for anyone else. Selfish, perhaps, but at least then it's for someone I love. I know she would have done the same (although, when I was struggling with infertility she actually told me to wait until she was "old" so she could at least enjoy her non-mom body LOL!"

August 11, 2010 at 12:22 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I would love to help someone out by giving them the gift of a child but honestly I couldn't do it. Like you I bond with the child from day 1 of finding out I am pregnant. I just couldn't do it

August 11, 2010 at 12:27 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I'm certainly glad that there are mothers out there who are willing to sacrifice all that they do so that other families can benefit from that and I do think that they're amazing for doing it!

I guess it's just an individual choice for everyone though and I don't think you can be judged either way.

Who are we to tell you that you're an awful person all because you would bond with a baby that grew within you?

It's not happening and I don't think there's anything wrong with the way that you feel...no matter how you approach this issue!

August 11, 2010 at 12:32 AM  
Blogger Jules AF said...

Surrogacy wouldn't be something I could do. Ever.

August 11, 2010 at 12:35 AM  
Blogger shortmama said...

I dont know if I could either. In my head Id like to say that I could do it for someone in my family but in my heart, Im not sure I could

August 11, 2010 at 12:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I SO agree with you. It is not the whole your egg, my egg thing. It is actually having a baby rely on you to grow inside of you and be part of you. And like you said, give birth. I couldn't do it either.

August 11, 2010 at 12:36 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I have often thought to myself what an incredible thing this would be, to give someone the chance to have their "own" child in this way, and it would have been the easiest thing, pre-motherhood, to imagine doing so. I've thought [way back in my *youth*] that I could consider being an egg donor, as well. But now, as a mom, I can't imagine it. I just don't know that I'd be able to do it. As someone else mentioned, maybe for a family member -- I often think of Phoebe on Friends, and how she said she wanted to keep one of the triplets -- but maybe not even then. To those women who can do this for others, I wish them many blessings, I just don't know if it'd be something I could ever do. Although at my age/weight/etc. nowadays, I'm kind of sure that it would never be an option. So I guess I'm glad I never have to decide. Thanks, as always, for sharing. :)

August 11, 2010 at 12:40 AM  
Blogger Gigi said...

I think that this is a topic where no matter what side you choose, there are winners.

If, like you, know you could never give a baby up in a surrogate situation, it's a win because you'd never put yourself in that position - to hurt yourself, or to the family for whom you'd carried that baby.

And for the women that choose to be surrogates, it's a win. They are doing something that makes them happy, and obviously they are bringing joy to a family that has likely been through much pain in TTC.

August 11, 2010 at 12:41 AM  
Blogger carissajade said...

I don't think I could do it either. I sure would love to say that I would, but I fear that I won't even be able to have children of my own... I'm not even sure I want children of my own. I feel like maybe that makes me incredibly selfish to say that I wouldn't do it for someone else.. but I dont even know if I wold do it to myself.

August 11, 2010 at 12:43 AM  
Blogger Oka said...

There is no reason to feel bad about it either. Not everybody is designed to think the same way, let alone act the same way.

I also think it easy to say one thing and a totally different thing to do it. For one thing there is way much more involved than verbally agreeing to do it. Being a surrogate requires more than a physical body. There is a psychological aspect (like you mentioned) and there is a legal aspect on top of the physical aspect. Let's not forget the psychological aspect isn't just the woman's but her families and the other families.

I think some people would back out of it or get so stressed it didn't happen, if they really got into figuring out what it took to accomplish.

I mean really, there are not that many surrogate moms there, if you consider the number of women who could do it.

August 11, 2010 at 12:45 AM  
Blogger Bethany said...

What an interesting post! I have never really thought much about it, but there are some things you mentioned that would turn me off to it. Mostly, I know how much hard work it is to be a good mom when you're not burdened down with something as huge as pregnancy, much less one that will not end in a baby for you. I am not the kind of woman who can add that to my plate.

I'm sure there are women out there who are perfectly cut out for it, and to them I say "Good for you. It is noble." But you have to be ready for all the baggage that comes with it.

It's not something I am cut out for, but I can admire those who are.

August 11, 2010 at 12:46 AM  
Blogger Holly Lefevre said...

That is a tough one. I am not sure I could do it either. I have admiration for the women who can do it. My friend almost did this for her sister, but to me that is a little different - they are very close and live near each other and, etc. etc.

I once had someone ask to buy my eggs...and even though I needed the money I couldn't do it...I would consider that baby mine - such a fine line to walk.

August 11, 2010 at 12:53 AM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

I whole heartedly agree with you. I couldn't do it either. I have a friend who takes in new borns, looks after them for a few months and then they are adopted. She handles it so well, I would have bonded by that time and that would have become my baby and I would so not be able to give that baby up.
It totally doesn't matter who's egg the baby comes from, caring for it, feeding it etc would have made it mine.
Great post, thanks for sharing.

August 11, 2010 at 1:45 AM  
Blogger Kisha said...

I completely understand why you feel the way you do. I say now that I think I COULD surrogate for someone, but how do you really know for sure until you're in that situation? Alas, there will be no more pregnancies for me in any capacity thanks to preeclampsia, but a girl can dream:)

August 11, 2010 at 3:11 AM  
Blogger mdforkids said...

I admire your honesty and I have to say I agree with you...I couldn't either. I think the women who do and can...wow...I don't know how. But, thank goodness for them.

August 11, 2010 at 4:44 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Before I was a teenager I had an older friend that couldn't get pregnant. I always thought to myself.. "I would be a surrogate. What a great gift!" Even after my first baby whenever the topic would come up with other people I said I would do something like that.

Then my husband heard me talking about it and he really questioned me and made me think. Then I had baby #2.

I'm on the same page with you now. I couldn't do it. I couldn't give that little person that I'd been talking and singing to and rubbing and patting for the last 9 months away. They are used to my voice... they would miss me!

August 11, 2010 at 6:34 AM  
Blogger Life Without Pink said...

I agree with you. I think it would be so hard and I dont think I could do it. Like you from the moment I knew they were in my belly I felt such a bond with my baby. Its a hard decision. I really think women that can be surrogate are really amazing women.

August 11, 2010 at 6:54 AM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

There is nothing wrong with the way you feel about it. You're in no way a bad person for feeling that way. You just know that if you were carrying that baby for nine months you would feel connected to it despite the fact it was not YOUR egg or sperm. I agree, it would be hard but I think I would do it. That's me.

Before I had my son I had said I would LOVE to be a surrogate. I have watched many shows where the parents get this child from a surrogate mom and they are so ever thankful. Watching these people who cannot have children it gives me goosebumps and I cry. Who knows? Maybe it's like an open adoption and they send pictures and updates. Why wouldn't the receiving parents do that for this woman who has carried their blessing for 9 months? It is the least they could do. Whether or not, it is a noble thing that those women do.

August 11, 2010 at 7:07 AM  
Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

A great, honest post, and great dialogue in the responses!

I completely understand with what you are feeling and agree with most which is why I don't think I could ever do it for a stranger. BUT, I think I'd do it for my sister, hands down, if she finds herself unable to carry a child. To me, that's different. It would be hard, okay, most likely extremely difficult but I'd do it for her. If she wanted my eggs, needed my uterus, I'd jump through hoops for my sister.

August 11, 2010 at 7:15 AM  
Blogger Sugar Bear said...

I struggled with deciding to donate an egg. I ultimately could not do it knowing for a fact that part of me, my heart, my mind would go with it....and the wondering and the yearning to know would burn to badly.

It's a beautiful and wonderful things for those that can surrogate or donate eggs.

Not everyone is built the same way and that's okay....

August 11, 2010 at 7:25 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I admire women who could do it. But I do not think I could.
Between HATING being pregnant and never wanting to let go of my babies - it's not the role for me.

Throw in too old now and that pretty much sews it up.

August 11, 2010 at 7:34 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

Sorry I didn't get a chance to stop by yesterday! But I am glad I came today and read your post. You have a very, very good point of view on this. We sturggled with infertility and found our cause and things are no longer an issue but, husband and I have had talked about this just to see each others point of view. It's is a tough topic!

August 11, 2010 at 7:43 AM  
Blogger Maggie S said...

Deep stuff.

August 11, 2010 at 7:55 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I think it's great that you know that you couldn't. I have had many people offer their womb to me, since we're "infertile" but I couldn't ask them to do that. I was really hurt when my own sister said that she wouldn't but then I realized why. I get it, I totally do. Even after I struggled with infertility for years, I wouldn't do it for someone. I think it brings up too many emotional issues. Good for you for knowing who you are and what you can and cannot do. Even better that you're able to say it!

August 11, 2010 at 8:22 AM  
Blogger The Random Blogette said...

I have to say that I feel the same way. While I would like to think that I could give the baby to whomever the parents were, it would be too hard because I would bond with that baby. Now if it was for mys brother and sister that may be different but I just can't imagine it. Especially since I want another baby so bad, but the hubs is against it.

August 11, 2010 at 8:25 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

See, I like to think that I would be able to be a surrogate mother but I would like to do it for someone that I knew like a sister or my best friend or my gay brother (which I don't have). Then I could still see the baby.

I understand where you are coming from, saying that you wouldn't be able to give the baby away but I think that you have to approach this roll differently. From the get go, you know that this baby is not yours to keep. You are just giving it life.

Not that this would make it easier, it was just prepare you more.

See, I think that all mom's who have to deal with infertility would agree to be surrogates because we all at some point considered using one. Myself, included.

August 11, 2010 at 8:27 AM  
Blogger Joey Lynn Resciniti said...

I agree. Except that I'm also attached to my eggs. I wouldn't give those away either.

August 11, 2010 at 8:31 AM  
Blogger ~✽Mumsy✽~ said...

I've great admiration for those who can do this. It takes a lot to reach a decision..

August 11, 2010 at 8:33 AM  
Blogger Kmama said...

I'll keep this short and sweet. I completely agree with you. Surrogacy is an honorable thing, but it's not for me.

August 11, 2010 at 8:33 AM  
Blogger Mom2zqb said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this hard subject. I think that surrogacy is a wonderful thing, but I don't think I could do it now. Earlier in my life I would have considered it.

August 11, 2010 at 9:03 AM  
Blogger HC said...

I cant imagine carrying a baby for 9 months, and then having to hand him/her over. I think that women who do are incredibly strong and I look up to them. Even though I've had my own issues with getting and staying pregnant, I just dont think I could. I tend to get very attached to things that are mine, and I know it wouldnt be long before the baby growing would be mine.

August 11, 2010 at 9:05 AM  
Blogger Ian said...

Speaking from the POV of an infertile couple, surrogate mothers deserve all the compensation they receive. They, like teachers, should be held in the absolute highest regard in society.

August 11, 2010 at 9:05 AM  
Blogger MommaKiss said...

I can see why this may have been hard to publish. Every story I've heard about with a surrogate has similar questions...how can you just give away a baby you carried, etc.

And honestly for me, I have no idea what I'd do. I've said in the past I'd donate eggs, which is almost a bit backward, right? I mean - the egg is part of you...so even though I wouldn't carry it, there could be a kid out there who was part 'me' - but that pregnancy attachment wouldn't happen. I'm rambling, but wanted to say - I'm glad you finally published and hope you get good dialogue here.

p.s. thanks for bullying me last night. You know I love ya long time

August 11, 2010 at 9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if I could do it for a stranger but I know I would definetly offer if it were a relative or really close friend. I would have to be a close part of that child's life.

I had great pregnancies (once I was able to keep them) I felt a little tired, but great - a lot of heartburn... but totally worth it. I would totally be pregnant again if it meant I wouldn't have to get up every 2 hours at the end of it LOL

August 11, 2010 at 9:12 AM  
Blogger Evonne said...

It's strange, yet beautiful how we become so emotionally attached to someone we have to wait months to meet.

Based on past experiences, I think I could be a surrogate. It would definitely not be easy, physically or mentally, which is why I completely understand your feelings.

August 11, 2010 at 9:18 AM  
Blogger Miss Welcome said...

Emotionally I couldn't, but even philosophically I wouldn't, given how many needs there are for adoption. My brother and sister were adopted and I always assumed I would too (which it's not as easy in France so you really have to be motivated). But I was unprepared for how much I love being pregnant and ended up having them all myself.

August 11, 2010 at 9:20 AM  
Blogger My Mad World said...

I feel the same way as you. It wouldn't matter if it was my egg, their egg or an alien's egg, (which I think my daughter is an alien) because once you see/hear that heart beat for the first time, see that little bean dancing around, feel it in your tummy you love it no matter what! Before it is born you bond so much with that baby in your tummy. Being a surrogate is such a great gift to give to someone but it takes someone very strong to be able to do that.

August 11, 2010 at 9:27 AM  
Blogger Di said...

I agree with you too Shell. I've struggled with IF but even going through it I know I could never give up a child I carried for 9 months. I am already so attached to Jellybean that there is no way I could just give this baby away. The women that are able to do it amaze me to no end!

August 11, 2010 at 9:31 AM  
Blogger Dalia (Generation X Mom) said...

I understand completely what you are saying and right now TODAY say, I could not do it either. HOWEVER, I think unless we are put in a certain situation we really don't know. You know? The thought of giving up a baby who I gave birth to and felt moving in my belly all those months seems unspeakable. But, like I have said before on my blog, 'Never say Never'. You really don't know. Some day your feelings may change because of something you have experienced or something someone you know very well has. You never know. :)

August 11, 2010 at 9:31 AM  
Blogger Ash said...

I almost found myself with this decision as my brother and wife struggled with carrying a child for a while - eventually they went onto have 4 (!) healthy children, thank goodness, because I would have felt compelled to help.

But honestly, I hated being pregnant - harsh, yes - but the worry, the exhaustion, did I mention the worry? I would have done it for them though, but for no one else. I know that for sure.

Surrogates are incredible.

August 11, 2010 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

What's weird(and a little selfish) is that I would not be able to be a surrogate mother, for the exact reasons you talked about, but if I can't get pregnant soon, I would absolutely use a surrogate. I guess some people are just better equipped to handle that....

August 11, 2010 at 9:49 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

You know, I agree with you completely. I considered adoption when I was pregnant with Leah, and honestly I don't think I could have survived that, but I totally support all people who choose that route. And while it's different than being a surrogate, I totally feel that bond created with my babies when they are growing in me. I talk with them. I tell them stories and secrets. I totally respect anyone who could handle that choice, but I know that I am not one of them.

August 11, 2010 at 9:49 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I support the crap out of people who can do that, but I don't know that I would survive it emotionally or mentally.

August 11, 2010 at 10:04 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

I agree with you Shell! Women who are surrogates have a special place in my book. I know I could not do it for the exact reasons you listed. You're not alone in your thinking!

August 11, 2010 at 10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I completely agree with you. I became a mom as soon as the EPT told me I was pregnant and doubt that I could give up a baby once I had carried him/her for nine months. I appreciate you tackling such a difficult subject.

August 11, 2010 at 10:21 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Shell, I understand what you are saying. I think that women who are surrogates are amazing, and selfless miracle workers. That being said, I could never do it. I feel too much like you described to be able to give a piece of myself up!

August 11, 2010 at 10:24 AM  
Blogger Cristy said...

My sister in law did it for her aunt after she had experienced 15 (yes that's the right #) miscarriages. She carried twins for her and to this day, they are so incredibly thankful for what my sister in law gave them.

I would be a surrogate to a very few and select group of people, but you are giving them the gift of life and i think that's pretty special.

that being said, I completely understand why it would be tough emotionally and why some people would not want to do it. It's like your title said, it's a very personal choice.

I do think it's important to praise those that do it though because they are truly helping some deserving families out there.

August 11, 2010 at 10:30 AM  
Blogger MommyLovesStilettos said...

For selfish reasons I could never be a surrogate. But I fully support some of my friends that have been a surrogate and want to be a surrogate in the future.

August 11, 2010 at 10:34 AM  
Blogger chele said...

While reading this post I was nodding my head and agreeing wholeheartedly. Then I thought about it a little more. The only person I could be a surrogate for is my sister. No one else. At least that way, I would still have a relationship with the child. Pregnancy, labor and delivery are such personal things in a woman's life and I couldn't imagine going through all of it and just handing over the baby to someone else. I'm just not that selfless.

August 11, 2010 at 10:37 AM  
Blogger Perfectly Unperfect said...

I have to say that I agree with you 100%.

IF I could have a baby, which I can't, I would not be able to be a surrogate.

It would just be too hard to have to give up that baby after carry him/her for nine months. Way too hard.

However, I do applaud those women who CAN be surrogates. What they can give is the ultimate gift.

August 11, 2010 at 10:49 AM  
Blogger Angie said...

I couldn't do it either...I just wouldn't be able to let go...You have an award at my place, pop over!

August 11, 2010 at 11:19 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I think I could do it and in theory I would - but in actuality I don't know if I could. I LOVED being pregnant, so it isn't that part that concerns me. For me, it's the parting with the baby. When that baby is growing inside you and you can feel it grow, feel it kick, it becomes a part of you and it would be extremely hard for me to jsut let that baby go.

August 11, 2010 at 11:20 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

I couldn't do it. Probably more so because I was so sick in my own pregnancy ... I wouldn't even consider putting my family through it for somebody else. It sounds selfish, and I guess it is. But, I do admire people who would/can/do it ... I've joked with my friends about them being my surrogates because I wont be giving birth again. And, I have a friend who, without batting an eye, says 'sure' every single time. I think there are amazing people out there who are capable of this gift. I wish I was one of them. But, I'm not.

August 11, 2010 at 11:21 AM  
Blogger Tina L. Hook said...

Since I am not yet a mom, I don't know that I could answer this question with any authority. Perhaps it is easier to say YES when have not had to walk the walk.

August 11, 2010 at 11:24 AM  
Blogger Babes Mami said...

My little sister will not be able to get pregnant easily, they said it will be a miracle if she does so I have offered to surragate for her. I would NEVER be able to do it for a friend or a stranger, ever. I think that my love for my sister would enable me to give her that gift and I would still be able to be around and in it's life. It would still be difficult but like I said for my own sister I think I could.

I have to agree, I think it doesn't count if you can't have kids to say you would. They don't know and will never know so they can say that all they want.

Congrats on bravery of posting!

August 11, 2010 at 11:59 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

When I lost the ability to carry anymore children, my VERY close friend offered her womb should the situation ever present itself. And because of my struggle with infertity, I'd like to say that if able I would, but only for a VERY close friend (or sister if I had one).

But I do see your point very clearly! And it is easy to say since I would never be in that situation. In fact, I don't know if I could even ever consider my frien's offer.

August 11, 2010 at 12:10 PM  
Blogger The Drama Mama said...

I could never do it either, and my father in law even asked me to, just so my sister in law could have the baby she's always wanted. I know that I couldn't do it either, for the same reasons you stated. I've already given up my heart twice (my adopted twins) and I could never ever do it again. I totally understand how you feel. This is not something that can be just done, and, you are 100% right. Until you've done it, you just can't know how you feel. Maybe it takes going into it in a different mindset, and some people are capable of that, but I am not one of those people.

August 11, 2010 at 12:16 PM  
Blogger Melinda said...

Hmmm.. that is so tough. I don't think I could do it either. It's such an emotional, complicated issue. You handled it so well, though.

August 11, 2010 at 12:34 PM  
Blogger Your mom said...

I'm with you--I don't think surrogating is for me (surrogating--is that a word?). I'm sure I would do it for my sister if she needed it (which she doesn't--she has 4 kids). But that's it.

More power to the women who can do this!

August 11, 2010 at 12:40 PM  
Blogger Grand Pooba said...

I know what you're saying. That would be so hard to do! My sister and I have been throwing around the idea of donating our eggs and of course along with that we started talking about how hard it would be to be a suragate. I've never been pregnant so I don't know what it's like but I agree with you, it's got to be the hardest thing to do!

August 11, 2010 at 12:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is not safe for me to have anymore kids. Both of my sisters have said that they would have a baby for me if my husband and I wanted more. While I think that is amazing for them to say, I think it would be incredibly hard. i hope that it would be something that I could do for them, but I don't know. I'm with you, the instant I knew I was pregnant I was attached and can't imagine giving up the baby I grew in my belly and cared for, for 9 long months. I think the women that are able to do it are amazing. I am not one of them.

August 11, 2010 at 12:59 PM  
Blogger Non Sequitur Chica said...

Wow this is tough. I guess that I might think about it after having my own kids (working on that)...like if my sister or a good friend asked. But if it was for a stranger? And I would never see the kid again? Definitely not. I think that you do form a bond whether the kid is from your egg or not.

August 11, 2010 at 12:59 PM  
Blogger Hutch said...

This is a tough subject and I applaud you're ability to say you wouldn't be able to and definitely understand you're reasoning. My best is going through a tough time with conception right now and all she's ever wanted is to be a mom (she'd be an awesome one too). But I've thought if it came down to a surrogate or adopting, I wonder what she would choose. I'm curious the view from the mom side. If you chose surrogate would you want to know the person or have it be a complete stranger? I don't know that I could be a surrogate either way, but I think to a friend might be more difficult with the constant reminder.

August 11, 2010 at 1:13 PM  
Blogger Steph said...

I, too, have no issue with fertility. I don't take that forgranted...at all. I know it is a blessing and my heart breaks for people who struggle.

I've thought about this subject a lot over my adult life and as I've watched friends struggle with miscarriage, infertility, stillbirths etc.

I just don't have it in me.

And part of me has felt guilty for the fertility I have been given.

I've come to realize that true strength in a person comes from recognizing and acknowledging ALL of oneself. The good and the bad.

I think that there are people designed to do everything...and I believe those women who are a surrogate for others are such a gift and blessing.

Write your book.

August 11, 2010 at 1:18 PM  
Blogger Lucky Dame said...

Not sure I could ever be a surrogate mother. My heart would ache to be with that child, even if it doesn't have my DNA....but I helped him/her to come into the world.

Kudos to the women that can do that. Amazing!

August 11, 2010 at 1:24 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Shell, this is definitely a subject I feel very much the same way as you do on this. I've tried to think to myself if somebody that I was very close to like a sister or a best friend was having trouble getting pregnant if I could do this for them, because I too get pregnant by my husband just looking at me that way, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't feel that baby moving inside of me {like I'm feeling as I type this} and know that this baby will not be placed in my arms for me to love for all eternity. It would destroy me.

August 11, 2010 at 1:29 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...


First, I commend you on stepping out of your comfort zone and posting something that clearly has caused you such angst.

Please know that there is NOTHING wrong with your choice. It is not for everyone. And it's for only YOU to decide, it is YOUR body, after all.

I think that I, too, would get attached to the baby growing in my belly....and I think I'm a horse of a different color here because I did struggle to get pregnant, so I know that pain. And it would please me to no end to give that gift to someone else. I'm not saying it would be easy for me to hand the baby over, but....

I tried to become an egg donor recently and was rejected because I'm too old (or my eggs are). I think I made it into a PYHO post, and if I didn't, it should've been. My husband was angry with me when he found out I'd applied. But it's my body.....and even he doesn't know what it felt like that it was MY body that let us down while we were trying to conceive....

Anyway...there is no shame in not wanting to be a surrogate. NO SHAME. I love you just the same. Are you listening? It doesn't change the way I feel about you, I don't respect you any less, etc....it just makes you into the person you are. And you are amazing and phenomenal in so many ways.

Don't let this hang on your shoulders, sweetie.


August 11, 2010 at 1:54 PM  
Blogger Foursons said...

I couldn't do it either. For one, I HATE being pregnant.

August 11, 2010 at 2:00 PM  
Blogger Sonora said...

This is something I have actually thought a lot about. I am like you, I get pregnant really easily. I have been lucky to have never lost a baby (KNOCK ON WOOD) and I actually have thought about being a surrogate because I know there are people out there that can't have babies and it really doesn't seem fair. On the flip side I was so sick with the boys that the thought of being pregnant and not being there for my own kids makes me sad. I can totally understand where you are coming from and I think it is good that you know how you feel and are comfortable with that. There is nothing wrong with how you feel and I don't think you should feel bad at all. Thanks for being so open with your feelings.

August 11, 2010 at 2:34 PM  
Blogger Nancy C said...

There's a lot to think about here. I love reading work that makes me think in such ways.

I suppose it depends on context. Could I do it for a friend vs a stranger? Would I?

I wonder.

August 11, 2010 at 2:36 PM  
Blogger One Photo said...

There are so many different scenarios that calling this one straight is not possible. I think if you have been through the pain of trying to have a child and the even worse pain of losing a baby then that makes you feel a certain way. Also if I were able to have a baby for a close friend who could not, I would do it. Would I do it for money for a complete stranger? No, too complex, too much chance of attaching to the baby not knowing the people whose baby it really is, too many life complications for the family I already have. So I would do it for love, never for money.

August 11, 2010 at 2:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonderful post Shell. I couldn't do it either. There is that bond you form with the baby in those nine months. It would be very hard to carry a baby then hand him over.

August 11, 2010 at 3:39 PM  
Blogger Beth Zimmerman said...

I couldn't do it either Shell! I am incredibly empathetic because I have lived with infertility. But stepping away and allowing someone else to raise a child that has lived in my body? NOT possible!

August 11, 2010 at 3:43 PM  
Blogger Together We Save said...

I would have loved to do it... and I really think I could have handled the emotional toll it takes on a person, but my husband would never hear of it so I let him decide. But it would be tough to do and it is a very personal choice.

August 11, 2010 at 4:03 PM  
Blogger Lothiriel said...

I'm in tears!
It's so true!
I always said that I would do it (only because I have fertility issues and after many years I was able to have Emma). If I could have children easily, I'd probably SAY NO as well.

Reading this post made me realize, that I wouldn't either. The thought of parting from Emma makes my throat very dry.

My two sisters offered to be surrogates for us (hubby and I), but now I feel they have no idea what they're talking about!

Thank you.

August 11, 2010 at 4:13 PM  
Blogger Stacey @ Chasing Cloud 9 said...

I don't have too many words, because you said it all. Pregnancy and I never got along, so physically I couldn't do it...but I couldn't carry a baby for 9 months and then give him/her to someone else.

August 11, 2010 at 4:40 PM  
Blogger A GAL NEEDS... said...

I know I couldn't, personally. I am (or I should say, was) perfectly able to have kids and wanted more. My husband can't. I wouldn't ask any woman to be a surrogate mom because I couldn't do it myself. I'm just thankful for the two kids I do have.

August 11, 2010 at 6:57 PM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

It would be so hard! You pretty much summed it up here, but I don't think I could do it either. It would be devastating to say good bye. Good post!

August 11, 2010 at 7:03 PM  
Blogger Simoney said...

Hey Shell... I found myself nodding in agreement all the way through your post. Like you, I can get pregnant asily, but the pregnancy is the tough part. I tunr into dragon-mummy. I have no ebergy. I am sick and tired and in pain all the time.
I don't enjoy pregnancy AT ALL - so to consider surrogacy would be a HUGE thing for me, and I wouldn't even consider it for THAT reason alone. But as you said... you are bonded to your baby because you carried it, you felt it move. You gave birth to it and once you saw its sweet crumpled little face, the pregnancy was totally worth it.
I am selfish. I couldn't do it, even if I could physically (which I can't).

But like you, I totally admire the women who CAN. because that gift of a child means EVRYTHING to families who can't have their own babies.

So... I guess I am with you all the way on this one :)

August 11, 2010 at 7:34 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I don't think I could do it. I lost a child shortly after she was born so I know the hurt. I would like to be able to give someone that kind of joy, I really would, but I don't think I would be able to let go.

August 11, 2010 at 8:39 PM  
Blogger Rebecca Dot Com said...

what an interesting post! I think i could be the person who WOULD do it and then NOT want to give the baby up - because I would feel bonded to that child!


good topic - and great read!

August 11, 2010 at 8:59 PM  

holy shitballs girl. you've gone like cosmic with this thing. i'm so happy for you. really. and i am with you. i could never do it either. that's why i have so much respect and admiration for women who do and for those women who have opted for adoption instead of abortion. i can't imagine their pain and am thankful i don't ever have to. xoxoxo kelly

August 11, 2010 at 9:20 PM  
Blogger Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

well said and true for so many women. I don't see anything controversial about knowing yourself and knowing your limits. That is a powerful thing.

August 11, 2010 at 9:44 PM  
Blogger Emmy said...

Great post and very well said. It is always easy to say we would do something if it isn't an option... But those women probably all would if they could. Me, I don't think I could do it either.

August 11, 2010 at 11:18 PM  
Blogger Frugal Vicki said...

I agree with you. There is now way. And it may not be my egg, but it was my blood and my body that supported that baby. It was my heartbeat that they fell asleep to. There is no way.
And I think you are brave for admitting it in such an honest post. Good for you!

August 12, 2010 at 12:06 AM  
Blogger AiringMyLaundry said...

I don't think I could do it either. I'm not one of those women who like being pregnant.

August 12, 2010 at 1:34 AM  
Blogger Kaye said...

I don't think I could ever do it either. But I have two amazing friends who have done it. And I will forever be in awe of that. They are such strong women and the families they carried for are so very blessed to have them.

And good for you for being honest with yourself...with us.

August 12, 2010 at 7:56 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

It is the ultimate gift, but I also know there is no way I could do it.
That baby belongs to me before I even pee on the stick:)

Ohhh and PS I mentioned you in my blog today.

August 12, 2010 at 8:38 PM  
Blogger MommaKiss said...

in case I didn't say it, thanks for helping me link. me and my 'firewall blocking day job' crap :p

I intended to click around tonight after working, but...didn't get to it. I can't wait til i have bit more time!

August 12, 2010 at 10:17 PM  
Blogger Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? said...

That would be so tough. And, what a hard thing for people to say knowing that they really can't do it. It's a little strange.

I think I could maybe do it for my sister...and that's really about it. It would be too hard for me to let go. I would be too attached.

August 13, 2010 at 12:00 PM  
Blogger Mrs. J said...

I loved your post. I just started my own blog and have no clue how to link up! haha...but I did my first pour your heart out...a few days late.

My husband & I have talked about getting a surrogate, but I think like you, I don't think I could be ok with giving that baby up, so I don't think I could ask someone to do it for me. We have 2 wonderful children, I can't have anymore, but I am SO beyond blessed with my two...I don't want to be greedy.

Love your blog, found it a few weeks ago. It's fun.

August 13, 2010 at 2:19 PM  
Blogger Messy Mommy said...

Being a surrogate is actually something I've always wanted to do. I really loved being pregnant and giving birth. I don't want any more kids but I would love to carry someone else's. Weird I know. Unfortunately Nebraska laws are a little whacky and I probably don't qualify because of my happy pills.

When it comes down to it, who knows. I completely understand your side.

August 15, 2010 at 1:22 PM  
Blogger L said...

What a subject! Good for you for being brave enough to openly share :) I've thought about what it would be like to be in a surrogate situation;how nice to be able to provide that for someone, but I'm 100% with you on feeling like your kid is out there in the world, I couldnt do it. Missed your blog :)

August 23, 2010 at 8:01 PM  

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