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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Anger: Mama's Going to Explode

It's a dirty little secret that as a mom, you will sometimes get angry with your kids. Angry at what they are doing. You will sometimes feel like you are going to explode.

Just a note before anyone gets too worked up about this topic: I'm talking about normal, able to be controlled anger, not anger that leads to child abuse. So, if you are planning on lecturing me about that, you can give your fingers a rest and skip it.

Who wants to admit to anger? We want to say that we're in control and never lose our cool. That we handle everything with grace and never have any moments when we feel like we're going to lose our minds over the day-to-day goings-ons in our households.

Um, I wish that described how I handled everything.

Another note here: the following scene does describe what happened in my house this weekend. It's not normal behavior for my boys. If it were, I would have run away from home by now.

On Sunday morning, I heard the pitter patter of little feet upstairs in our main living area, which is directly above my bedroom. Looking at my clock and seeing that it was only 6am, I decided not to head right upstairs.

I'd left the tv tuned to the Disney Channel and figured the boys could entertain themselves for a little while. Cub was still sleeping, so I wasn't all that concerned.

About a half hour later, I headed upstairs because I started to hear loud crashes- which turned out to be just my boys running around.

But, oh. The mess.

The horrible, awful mess.

Both boys had their pj shirts off and were COVERED in paint and glitter.

Paint that was on the highest shelf of one of the kitchen cabinets.

That the only way that it could have been reached was by Monkey pushing a chair over to the counter, and climbing up on the counter, standing on his tiptoes, and pulling it down.

They even painted each other's backs.

And then, sat on the couch.

The dining room table was covered, too.

They'd tried to get out juice, too.

Broke the childproof lock on the fridge AGAIN and got out the juice.

Isn't it lucky that the store was having a sale on my favorite blueberry-blackberry juice?(seriously, though buy 2, get 3 free)

The floor was a purple, sticky mess.

They'd also eaten their way through an entire box of cereal bars.

They turned the dishwasher on.

They tried to be helpful and clean themselves up in the bathroom- which resulted in paint on the walls of the bathroom and the throw rugs in there.

Though the paint is washable, the dishwasher wasn't broken, and the floor could be washed, I still lost it.

Yes, they are 5 and 3.5 and probably shouldn't be allowed to be upstairs by themselves for that long- I should have gotten up out of bed- it didn't keep me from turning into flipped-out mommy.

I don't want to be that mom.

The one who SCREAMS at her children and then gives them a sound spanking on their tushes.

For something that was awful and shouldn't have happened, but was still a lot her fault.

After scrubbing the paint off them in the tub, I sent them back to their room while I cleaned up the mess.

And cleaned through teary eyes.

Part of me was crying at the mess. But, it was mostly because I don't want to be a screamer.

It makes me feel like a bad mom all around.

For being a mom whose kids would do something like that in the first place- I must suck as a mom if they'd do that. After all, my friend J's kids would never do something like that.

For screaming at them. I know it scared them. Everyone else handles these situations calmly, don't they?

And yet, when I went down to get them, I found that Monkey had left the room, gone to the laundry room, gotten the detergent, and poured it all over his carpet so that there was a huge blue puddle on the floor.

What did I do? Did I learn my lesson and handle it in any better?

No, not at all.

There's even a book out about this by Julie Ann Barnhill called "She's Going to Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing With Anger."

The best part about this book was realizing that I'm not the only mom who occasionally feels like there is steam coming out of her ears.

A quick search of Amazon this morning showed me that this is hardly the only book dealing with anger and parenting.

We were discussing this topic in my small group at MOPS a couple years ago and one of the moms in my discussion group(who had FOUR children UNDER 3 at the time) sighed and said, "You know, I get why you hear about shaken baby syndrome. Why a young mom would get that angry and not be able to handle it and just want the baby to shut up for one minute."

There was a stunned silence at our table, as we all processed what she meant.

None of us thought that she was implying that it was okay to shake a baby(or hit a toddler or whatever else you'd do in a moment of anger), but that it's okay to acknowledge that you do occasionally feel that anger and frustration.

It's all about how you choose to deal with that anger.

I'd love to tell you that I've mastered my anger, but from the story about my day, you know I don't have any answers.

I DO love my boys and love being a mom. I think that anger is a normal emotion, though not a pretty one to admit to.

What about you? Do you ever feel like you're going to blow? How do you handle it?

Labels: , ,


Blogger Cassie said...

I still have a really young child (19 mos), so I usually just drop him in his playpen and go scream in the other room when I get too frustrated. It gets my anger out but doesn't make me feel guilty b/c I'm not taking anything out on him really...especially b/c I know that at his age he would have no idea what was wrong with me!

Stopping by from SITS!

January 20, 2010 at 8:06 AM  
Blogger ~Kristen~ said...

Stopping by from SITS to say hi!

I am not a Mom but I have a Mom, I am a very involved aunt, and I have several friends with kids. I feel like I can confidently say that sometimes losing it in anger most certainly does NOT make you a bad Mom. We can't hold everything in, even with our kids. It is not healthy. And children do need to learn they can't do what you described above, and that there are consequences. I think your reaction to that situation is very very normal. And I think it happens in many more homes than people will admit...

January 20, 2010 at 8:07 AM  
Blogger Adoption of Jane said...

Breathe... if this makes you feel better...i know what you are going through.. mine was a wee bit worse.. my son took off his #2 diaper and spread it on the walls!

January 20, 2010 at 8:41 AM  
Blogger trooppetrie said...

i have so been there. last summer i posted 2 days worth of mess pictures on my blog from my 3 year old and i was in the next room. i did not clean it up thought. i had her clean it up which took longer but she remembers it. it is hard when you are angry

January 20, 2010 at 8:41 AM  
Blogger Lift Like A Mom said...

Oh, goodness! I think I would've popped with frustration. I know what you mean though, and have thought about writing a blog similar to this topic. When my son had colic, I thought there were several days I was going to lose it. Seriously! The only thing I could do was scream in a pillow so the neighbors wouldn't think someone was being slaughtered over here! Stopping by from SITS and love your blog!

January 20, 2010 at 8:53 AM  
Blogger Kmama said...

Seriously, I could have written that post...and almost did today. I had it in my head, titled, Parenting by Kmama.

I have a short fuse and while I'm working on it, it's there. I think because I know this, I'm better about it than I could be...but honestly not great. It's really a good thing that I am not a SAHM. Seriously. I just couldn't do it.

January 20, 2010 at 8:54 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

Oh dear... I would've totally lost my cool if that happened at my house. Luckily, our little one is still happy in his crib but I'm guessing I'll wake up to some disaster when I let him out of the cage.

I think every parent blows up. And screaming at your kids is fine - it lets them know that mommy is VERY unhappy and what they've done has upset her. I think as long as your screaming voice is not your 'inside voice' that you're doing fine.

I, too, have mumbled that I totally get Shaken Baby. I do. We had all kinds of eating problems with ours and went through numerous formulas, medications, etc and finally at about 3 MONTHS we found a good combo. Until then - the crying... it never stopped. Many a day did I put him in his crib, shut his door, go downstairs and cry.

You're a good mommy.

January 20, 2010 at 9:12 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

I have a two year old. I have made her sit down by herself when she had not listened. I was all by myself all day and night and I needed a break. I ask her to help me when she makes a huge mess. I think if she has to help me then maybe she will not make a big mess. NO she still does. My heart goes out to you. Big a Mom can be ruff at times.

January 20, 2010 at 9:19 AM  
Blogger Evonne said...

I would have flipped out, too!

We all get angry because we had one of "those" days, but it doesn't mean we're bad moms. I used to be a screamer when I was working. My job was that bad and the stress would follow me home. Any little thing and I'd yell. I hated myself for that. I'm not saying I never yell now, because I do, but I'm a lot better.

January 20, 2010 at 9:20 AM  
Blogger Ma What's 4 dinner said...

I say that thing about the shaken baby all the time. I would have blown a gasket. I need to get that book already! We all have days like that, and with these boys we have them more often than not. I do love that they tried to help with the dishwasher and laundry soap. Give them a hug, have a glass of wine, and get yourself a pedi!

Love you!

Alex aka Ma, What's For Dinner?

January 20, 2010 at 9:24 AM  
Blogger Ducky said...

Anyone who says their child would never do that is a got dang liar! OR a helicopter parent and so far up their kids ass they don't have TIME to do something like that...

YOU ARE NORMAL! You are NOT a bad mother. Did you belittle your children? Beat them within an inch of thier life? No...give yourself a break...

I'm sending the link to this post to my sister. Her kids are two and five...she's had several of these episodes lately and she'll love this one.

Probably insensitive of me but I'd really like to know if you took pictures... that's what my sister does...she takes pictures until she's calmed down enough that words pour out not just steam :O)

January 20, 2010 at 9:25 AM  
Blogger The Mommyologist said...

Oh yeah, I definitely get those "I'm gonna blow" moments! I'm really trying to get better about it though because I always feel horrible after yelling at my little guy and he gets all scared. :(

January 20, 2010 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Lee said...

Oh honey...I scream about 20 times a day. I am at first calm, but then when that doesn't work, I end up yelling. I think it's called being a mommy.

January 20, 2010 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I can feel my blood pressure rise somedays. I send the kids to their rooms when I'm going to lose it and make them and me have a time out. I still yell. I still feel guilty. It is tough to be a mom.

January 20, 2010 at 9:46 AM  
Blogger MommyLovesStilettos said...

I try really hard NOT to let my anger get the best of me. It takes a lot to get me riled up and mad. And I think that's because being a single mom of a six year old and a three year old - I've gotten used to all of the responsibility being on me. There are moments where my kids are just BAD - it doesn't happen often but when it does I usually go outside and take a deep breath before I react. It's HARD. But it helps me deal with everything so much better. My kids have woke up before me in the morning and I didn't realize it and I came into a mess similar to what you described. I cried. And I yelled. And I scared the crap out of my kids by doing that. Ever since then I've really had to make an effort to try NOT to flip out. Parenting isn't easy. It doesn't come with a rule book (I sure wish it did!). We all yell sometimes and we all have moments where we feel like we're not the best mom we can be. But no one is perfect. And I personally think it's important for my kids to know that I'm not perfect either and that certain things they do really upset me. I sat them down after that incident and explained that mommy was really upset and I should have calmed down before I yelled at them. It made me feel better to explain myself even if they didn't understand :)

January 20, 2010 at 9:47 AM  
Blogger Queenie Jeannie said...

You aren't alone. We ALL are "that Mom" at one point or another. Anyone who says different is a big, fat liar!!!!

Nothing can make you as crazy as your kids. Not even your husband.

I used to smoke, but quit. I haven't found a replacement yet. Some say exercise, but I dunno...sweating just isn't my thing. I think I need to learn a foreign language. That way at least when I scream, the hurtful things aren't understood!!!!

January 20, 2010 at 9:51 AM  
Blogger carissajade said...

Girl, I think you handled the situation pretty well! I would have probably completely lost my marbles. Probably why I shouldn't have kids for a while!!

January 20, 2010 at 9:54 AM  
Blogger Brandi said...

I don't see how a mom can drowned her kids in the bathtub or shake her baby... I just don't, but to be simply angry at a certain outrageous behavior and yell is pretty 'normal.' I don't think any mom could honestly say she hasn't been there.

January 20, 2010 at 9:57 AM  
Blogger Serenityville said...

Wow, kudos to you for your brave post. With all your followers I can't imagine you won't get some negative feedback, but I liked your post a LOT. Disclaimer: I don't have kids.
My mom was an angry mom, and it sucked. It never got more physical than a spanking, but the emotional anger was the worst. BUT there is a HUGE difference between healthy and unhealthy anger, specifically, unhealthy anger is the kind that she kept inside all her life and then took out on us. The healthy anger is the kind that comes from someone doing something inappropriate or that invades our boundaries in some way, something that comes more easily with the exhaustion of being a mom, which it sounds more like what's happening here.
The fact that you're thinking about it and sharing it is FABULOUS and I hope it's as cathartic for you as my blogging about my battles with weight loss and unemployment. (both of which are going great, I'm sure partially b/c I get it out in blogging!)
Ok, longest comment ever, but I relate to your post and appreciate again your bravery and honesty.

But there's a HUGE

January 20, 2010 at 10:19 AM  
Blogger Working Mommy said...

I haven't been in that situation yet - thankfully the babe is only 6 months - so I don't know how I would react. I do agree with that mom from your group, though, in that I can understand how a young mother could be so enraged that she shakes without thinking first. It is sad that people feel that is the only answer when really...they're just kids...they don't know any better.


January 20, 2010 at 10:19 AM  
Blogger Mae Rae said...

shell, you are not alone. I, myself have three boys. their ages are 16,13, and 8. i think with time comes experience and with experience comes tolerance. The biggest obsticle you need to over come is the guilt. If you show NO anger they think it is okay. If you show NO anger they don't know that what they did was wrong. You need to channel that anger and scream sometimes just not like a banshee. I have had many a day where i was going to duct tape them to the wall. Just three years ago, I spent some serious money on pots and pans. Something I NEVER do for myself. The oldest decided to cook mac and cheese for everyone and then forgot he had done it. You know the old saying "I don't cook, I burn even water"? Well he did that, and my $200 pan. I FREAKED! I used the ole, "Why can't I have anything nice" line my mom used to and then locked myself in the bathroom for over 20 minutes crying. It all goes away and the boys will never paint themselves with glitter paint again. You have my word.

i cannot promise they wont paint their brother though.

January 20, 2010 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger Kearsie said...

Just this weekend I had a blow out with my kids. And like you, I felt so terrible afterwards. My mom was a screamer, I said I wouldn't be a screamer. Yet here I am, screaming. Not always, but enough that I hate it. I might need to check this book out.

January 20, 2010 at 10:31 AM  
Blogger Taylor Stoddard said...

Oh my gosh, you poor thing! I'm pretty sure I would have been the same way. What a mess! I think we all have that moment of letting anger get the best of us.

At one and three years old my boys haven't been able to get into too much trouble... yet. I know it's coming. It won't be the older one that starts it though. When my one year old turns 3 we're all in trouble!

January 20, 2010 at 10:48 AM  
Blogger Masala Chica said...

Shell - you are so spot on with this post. I fear that I have lost my cool for far less than what you lost yours with. My daughter knows exactly how to push my buttons. She is only 2 1/2 and I know for a fact that sometimes she does things and hides a little smirk behind her hands. She has actually said one time when she was messing with me "This is fun!" and then giggled maniacally while I was close to tears.

Shaila = Little Devil

My mother had a terrible terrible temper. Like, really bad. I was scared of her most of my life until she worked through some of her issues and sought help. I was an adult when that happened, but my childhood memories are ones in which anger, hitting and fear played a large role.

I love her dearly - but fear that some of it has definitely impacted me. I struggle with it every day.

You sound like a lovely mother. Great post.

January 20, 2010 at 10:49 AM  
Blogger Yankee Girl said...

I have no experience with this, but wanted to say that you probably handled it the best way you could. Live and learn, right?

And we all know you rock as a mom, so no worries there.

I probably would have blown up too.

January 20, 2010 at 10:53 AM  
Blogger Bibi @ Bibi's Culinary Journey said...

This is only beginning. Consider yourself Novice screamer. I am entering the major league. My son is turning into a full blown teen.

January 20, 2010 at 11:27 AM  
Blogger Shannon K. said...

Every. Day. I have to just breathe. Sometimes I am able to let the yelling moment pass right by, and others I don't. When I don't, I quickly regret it because it causes my kids to act out even more. Sigh. Never ending battle. I think I will be checking out that book.

January 20, 2010 at 12:33 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Sweetie you are a MOM and a human being. I too didn ot want to be like my mom who was a screamer and a Hitter. But I found myself there with 3 rambunctious boys. I so feel ya.. I have found that if I take a few minutes and walk away, the damge and mess is already there. I can get a better hold o my feelings nad emotions.. sending yo many hugs and lots of love from other mothers who totally get it and don't think bad of you at all..

January 20, 2010 at 12:38 PM  
Blogger The Princess of Sarcasm said...

You're not a bad mom, you're a real mom. And mom's are human too. I remember a stage I went though where it seemed like all I did was yell at my kids. For me, in MY case, (not saying yours) I noticed they tended to get out of hand when I started cutting them some slack...like summer. So now when I start to hear my voice rise, I start enforcing the rules more strictly. It's not near as much fun, but it does save my sanity. My kids are older, so I think that has helped a good bit with the quick temper too. I'm not nearly as exhausted as I used to be. But there are still times when I want to shake my children and call them names. (I haven't done either....EVER.) I have to remind myself that I am the adult. The feeling usually goes away as soon as they wrap their little arms around my neck and say "Sorry Mommy. I love you." They immediately reduce the Queen of Mean to a puddle of Princess....

January 20, 2010 at 12:40 PM  
Blogger Foursons said...

After glancing through your comments, I don't think I'm alone in saying I would have been right there with you. Screaming and spanking and sending to their rooms. And when I went and discovered the 2nd mess, I would have blown my top again. I don't think anyone can blame you for you reaction- only a saint would have said, "No no boys. This is unacceptable." Honestly, they need to know how upset their behavior can make us. And when I feel that my response was out of proportion to their behavior, I will apologize later. Which they need to see too. Don't be so hard on yourself. ((hugs))

January 20, 2010 at 12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh I miss being a little boy again, and doing that sort of thing...this story takes me back to my younger yrs, I was always doing something like that...once I took all my moms perfume and powder, mixxed it together and tried to make glue...she was not happy:)

January 20, 2010 at 1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girl, i hear ya. You have already read my admissions to my own anger problem.

January 20, 2010 at 3:05 PM  
Blogger Gucci Mama said...

Kind of makes you realize why some wild animals eat their own young, hmm?

I totally understand what you're going through here. I'm trying REALLY hard not to be a yeller - I grew up with a my dad who was a HUGE yeller and I don't want to be like that with my children. But it's so difficult because sometimes they just act like aliens.

Hang in there, Mama. Things won't always be this tough!

January 20, 2010 at 3:43 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

Just the other day, we were all in the car and I got angry at my son asking me to do something. I yelled. My hubbys says, "you need to calm down". Yes, I probably do! But I had enough! Some days are like that. I yell at times and usually later will say that mom is sorry and ask for forgiveness. My son cries when I raise voice since I don't do it very often.

Are you still in MOPS? I was for 5 years but needed to graduate myself out. You were a coordinator right?

January 20, 2010 at 4:00 PM  
Blogger Alexis AKA MOM said...

Oh girl as you know my boys are just as crazy @ 5 and 2 I've been there right along with you. Really I would love to say I'm perfect and don't scream, don't loose it and don't have times I let the kids play in the other room. But this is my real life I'm not June Clever or a mom on TV I'm mean and it happens! You're right there with the rest of us, yes it all can be cleaned and washed up but sometimes we just reach a point. We'll give loves and hugs but everyonce in a while we're human!


January 20, 2010 at 4:11 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

Hi, stopping by from Apple Juice & Milk :)

I totally relate to your Mommy anger. As of late, I swear I have been having chest pains from yelling at my 2 year old. I don't want to yell, but she forces me to. When I tell her not to do something, not once, not twice, not three times, but half a million times all in the same breath & she still continues to do it...I get a little angry and I have to yell just to get her attention.

I need to read that book. Because I don't want to be a yelling, screaming Mommy who has a heart attack at age 22 because she couldn't control herself.

January 20, 2010 at 4:14 PM  
Blogger Margaret said...

I don't think you did anything wrong. You are human and got pushed over the edge. Since you don't do it all the time I think your kids will be fine!

January 20, 2010 at 4:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm, I wonder what Super Nanny would have done!?
Me? Vodka works, or rum and coke if it's later in the day.

January 20, 2010 at 4:24 PM  
Blogger Michelle @Flying Giggles said...

If a mother says she has never had one of those moments, she must be lying. I think it is completely normal to loose it once in a while. I feel the same guilt when I raise my voice. I do not do it all the time, so when I do, my daughter knows Mommy is serious! What a horrible morning to wake up to! I hope you are having a better week.

January 20, 2010 at 4:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honestly my kids are so used to my screaming they dont even care anymore. What does that tell you?

I usually lock myself in my room and tell them that for their safety I am in time out and to leave me alone!

January 20, 2010 at 4:36 PM  
Blogger Sarah and the Gentlemen said...

I don't want to be a yelling mom either.

The most common phrases I yell are:
Get OUT of the fridge!

When a mess happens like you described today, I've been putting into practice sending them first to time out or their room then dealing with them when the anger of the moment has passed. That waiting time seems to help them think about it too.

I try to keep in mind what the most important thing is. People. Specifically my children.

Your description made me laugh. Dang... How do they that? Be glad you don't have a fishtank.

January 20, 2010 at 4:58 PM  
Blogger Helene said...

Oh girlfriend, I totally get what you're saying. I also don't want to be a mom who screams but I do it every single day. My mom was a screamer and I swore that would not be me. I can't help it though...I can literally feel my blood boiling when I get angry. Sometimes I'm smart enough to take a time out and sometimes I have a complete meltdown while the words come flying out of my mouth.

And I know what you mean about the looks in their eyes...they know we've lost control and they're scared. Even though I've never hit my kids when I've been angry, the looks on their tiny faces almost read like "is this the one time she's gonna freak out and smack us?"

Some friends and I were once talking about a mother here in our town who shook her colicky baby so hard, she killed him. We were heartbroken over it...especially for her becuase we all understand how you can get to that point. It doesn't mean any of us will do that but we totally get how you can lose control so easily to the point where you don't recognize yourself anymore.

Hang in there...there are no manuals on motherhood. We are works in progress, where we can only get better with each passing stage.

In the meantime, I'm gonna see if my library has that book! I appreciate your honesty in this post. I was nodding my head the entire time as I read it, seeing myself in the same exact spot as you.

January 20, 2010 at 5:00 PM  
Blogger Corrie Howe said...

I think everything was normal. I've told my husband and doctor that I can understand mom's who have flipped and end up killing their kids. Again, not that I agree and hopefully never be like that, but I've had explosive anger that's even disturbed me.

The answer for me? Two years of working through some bible studies with my pastor about how it is a heart issued. "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks (and the rest of the body acts)."

When my heart started changing, my anger started going away.

January 20, 2010 at 5:28 PM  
Blogger Shandal said...

I can SO relate to this post. My 3 yr old has been just awful lately. He just will not listen. Time outs just don't phase him at all. He probably gets put in time out like 10 times a day. I just don't know what to do anymore. I seriously feel like I'm going to explode with frustration and anger. Being a SAHM is the Hardest job in the world. At least that's what I think.

January 20, 2010 at 6:02 PM  
Blogger Liz Mays said...

There can't possibly be a mom among us who hasn't felt as if she were going to explode at some point or another. I think I had more of a temper at times when I was stressed about moving or something. We moved a lot!

January 20, 2010 at 6:47 PM  
Blogger Elle said...

I'm not a mom, but I wanted to let you know that I think it was brave for you to post this very honest post. Based on all the moms I know, you are completely NORMAL. I would've completely and totally lost it...I might've run away from home and NEVER come back! (This has a lot to do with why I'm not a mom and probably never will be.)

January 20, 2010 at 8:32 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Lordy Lordy do I know how anger feels.

My mom was a big yeller...also a big buster of ass for the slightest altercation.

So, here I am a mom with 2 boys who have severe special needs and on some levels do naughty things because they are little boys, but also do things because they cannot help themselves (obsessive/ compulsive acts) or they do not understand why something is wrong.
I have to daily step back from myself and remind myself (sometimes audibly) that I need to take a breath, count to 10 (or 100) and remain calm.
My 7 year old still wears diapers and still to this day he will dig his hands into his diaper and smear the poop if I do not change him immediately. Every time he does it I want to scream. Its disgusting, it smells, and it is one helluva mess to cleanup after. But, if I scream at him and tell him for the millionth time to tell Mommy he needs a change it is not going to sink in. He just does not understand the cause and effect of it.
Its maddening sometimes. Actually, all the time.
I deal with my anger in a number of ways.
*I count to 10 (or 100)
*I go in the other room and scream into my pillow
*I wait until they are at school and I take a nap because I find I am more angry when sleepy (which is all the time)
*I go for a long walk (after they are in school, of course)

And sometimes, no matter what, I still lose it. I still yell. I still lose my cool.
And on those days I remember that other moms do too.

And then I drink a really big glass of merlot.

January 20, 2010 at 9:20 PM  
Blogger Confessions From A Work-At-Home Mom said...

So much to say...

First, G isn't really old enough to willfully disobey like that, so I haven't had a lot of chances to lose my cool... yet. But I was "That mom" one particular Sunday at church, and it gave me a peek into the future.

Second, I just saw a sign for MOPS at a local church, and I was thinking about signing up. I'm going to have to bend your ear about that topic on email.

And third, I saw on Shandal's blog that you cut your gorgeous hair-- picture? I am so envious of your blonde locks, they're absolutely gorgeous!

Confessions From A Working Mom

January 20, 2010 at 9:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oy! I feel like that for sure. Anger management here I come.

January 20, 2010 at 10:09 PM  
Blogger Sarah at The Stroller Ballet said...

I don't think you handled this badly, and I think you are a great mom for even worrying about it. I definitely would have blown my lid over that one.

January 20, 2010 at 10:24 PM  
Blogger Desert Rose said...

I do not know one single mom that hasn't felt this way, not one. Myself included. Parenting is the hardest job ever, and though the anger may make us feel guilty in the end, it is still something that we choose to do.

January 20, 2010 at 10:25 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I was just talking to my sis-in-law AND a friend about this very topic today! What a wonderful post. Very timely for me. I dislike yelling, but it's what comes naturally when I'm being so blatantly ignored - "Can you not hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!" Dang it. Thanks for your words, sista-mama. :) I'll be dropping by your blog more often.

January 20, 2010 at 10:51 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Hun, I am so.with.you.

Everyday I think that I am the only mom who blows up. My 2 year old is out of control most days. Screaming. Tantrums. Hitting. Pinching. I try SO hard. But it happens. We're human. We will raise our voices. We will spank.

Being a Mom is hard. Harder than I ever imagined but at the same time? Teaches me so freaking much...

Hugs to ya momma.

January 20, 2010 at 11:41 PM  
Blogger adrienzgirl said...

I can't even tell you with two ADD/ADHD boys how many parental time outs I have had to take. There are too many to count, and too many to retell. For the safety of my children they are sent to their rooms and I cannot talk to them or look at them.

Don't get me wrong, mostly they are pretty good, all things considered. But when they are bad? THEY ARE REALLY BAD.

I think it is human nature to get overwhelmed. If there are mommies out there saying they are perfect and their children are perfect and everything is sunshine and rainbows, I have one word for you.


January 21, 2010 at 12:45 AM  
Blogger Kimberly@PrettyPinkMomma said...

Oh no! I so feel your pain - that sucks! I have totally blown up at my boys for much lesser things. After all, there is only so much that a mom can take! We are all human and anger with some yelling involved when we are VERY irritated is only natural. Even if we know that we have some small part in the reason behind the chaos. I can totally relate to you because I too have let the boys go downstairs before me, Disney Channel, milk and poptarts ready to go - just so I could sleep for just a little while longer before the baby woke up. I consider myself lucky that nothing this disastrous has ever happened to me. My heart goes out to you. {{{HUGS}}}

January 21, 2010 at 1:07 AM  
Blogger Mellodee said...

Your report of the incident with your boys makes me want to scream! I am 63 years old, the mother of one grown up daughter and the daughter of a mother with 2 children. I grew up in the 1950s and 1960s. If there is one thing I wish I could pass along to every mother is that moms get MAD...kids act STUPID...moms yell, or scream, or screech....and sometimes, the kids get spanked. (I'm not talking about the abusers, the lunatics, or the clueless. I'm talking about moms like you and me!)

It is all part of life. A 3yr old and a 5 yr old will NOT remember all the things they're not supposed to do. Its unreasonable to expect it. Their memories and attention spans are not capable of doing so.

My mother would sometimes yell at me for some behavior. I occasionally got spanked (only for the big things I knew I wasn't supposed to do). I survived, I learned!! Mom survived, without guilt! She learned!! I did the same with my daughter. She survived, and she learned.

It is so completely unrealistic for anyone to think that she is the only mom capable of getting angry. Everybody gets angry. Anyone who tells you they don't is either lying or on serious drugs! Do not feel guilty. A little yelling never hurt a kid if it is deserved. The trick is knowing when it is deserved. Do you yell at every little mishap or accident. Wrong, choose your battles when you can. But if you lose it and let go with a string of very unpleasant remarks, I guarantee you that as long as those children feel surrounded by your love (and there are a million ways to show love!) being disciplined by mom screaming at them for something naughty they did, will not seriously hurt them. I swear! Children need to learn that their actions affect other people and it is not okay to do something they know is wrong. This is why children have parents, if they could figure it out on their own, or take care of themselves, there would be no point in having two grown-ups a part of the process.

Please let your guilt and worry go live somewhere else. Love your children, help them learn, apologize when you're wrong, let them experience life. Don't try to protect them from everything. If they don't encounter real life, how will they ever learn to get through their own lives?

January 21, 2010 at 2:44 AM  
Blogger mintifresh said...

I have been there sooo many times! I always thought parenting would bring the best out of me when really it just brings out a more pissed off me, most of the time. I hate it. I have done the screaming, I have done the spanking, I even pushed my 5 year old the other day after she pushed the 2 year old and said, "Did you like that?? Neither did the one you pushed!!" Yeah, not my best moment but it seemed like a good idea at the time! EEK! It scares me some time! My mom has told me some of her doozies, too and we all made it ok! We're doing the best we can in a fantastic but incredibly hard situation!

PS- after my long ramble-I gave you an award over at my blog :) See?? You can't be all that bad! hahaha

January 21, 2010 at 2:51 AM  
Blogger danita said...

have i ever felt like i was gonna lose it? definitely. some days i just know it's coming. last time i lost it, i threw all the kids' toys down the stairs--well, only the ones they had left all over the family room and they hadn't cleaned up. boy, were they upset. they still talk about it. there's a good section in the no-cry discipline book about parents and anger and how it's everyone's dirty little secret. man. i wish i could remember what she says i'm supposed to do when i get super pissed off.

January 21, 2010 at 7:46 AM  
Blogger Conservative Knit Mom said...

I feel like I am hoarse from screaming so much-- I know I feel like I yell constantly. I am always checking what my tone. My fuse is short and I know I lose my temper way too much. I applaud you for just surviving that day! Please don't beat yourself up-- mommy guilt is the worst! We are with these little people 24 hrs a day(I don't have to tell you)Sometimes it gets to us--a lot more than we can admit.

January 21, 2010 at 8:11 AM  
Blogger Vodka Logic said...

I am a bit of screamer too. When they were little I would feel bad, now they are older not so much. I tend to scream less anyway

January 21, 2010 at 9:08 AM  
Blogger Kiera said...

Dude, if my kids did that I would have LOST. MY. SHIT. like sent them away for a day. and then cried. I scream all the time and i HATE IT. my husbnad AND mom tell me that I'm scary when I scream. I hate it so much- you're totally not alone, and realitstically it's a good way for kids to realize that, well, that's just sometimes life. Don't feel bad.

January 21, 2010 at 12:03 PM  
Blogger gina said...

They even turned on the dishwasher?! lol. I don't mean to laugh AT ALL but this post at least the description of the mess was funny. The emotions definitely are not! MAn, I yell so much it doesn't even effect my kids anymore. :( At least I did until my Celexa kicked in- it's really helping. It's hard to START the day feeling on edge BEFORE anything even happens. I try to remove the kids from the room without saying a word (try) and clean the mess myself. It's worse to have them underfoot apologizing and alot of my frustration gets taken out in the cleaning. And later I often do laugh about it- laughing keeps mommies sane!

January 21, 2010 at 1:39 PM  
Blogger MommyLisa said...

Yup. Remember, I was there...over FAR less.

Ugh. I am my mother.

January 21, 2010 at 4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. I don't even have kids and I threw my blackberry through a wall today. Oy.

January 21, 2010 at 6:25 PM  
Blogger becca said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

January 21, 2010 at 10:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know from reading my blog that I absolutely have my screamy days. Days that I hate. Days that I regret. We're moms and we're human. Some days are thankless. No one gets what we do unless they do it too and if they do - they have days like this too. I'm so glad today was a better day. As I've said, I think we're handed these days so that we appreciate the easy ones more. xx

... not sure how I deleted the one above! Woops!

January 21, 2010 at 10:14 PM  
Blogger Eternal Lizdom said...

I'm totally late to the party on this one!

One thing I think you've seen about me is that I am pretty dang honest about parenting and how hard it is and how hard the beahviors are and how I struggle.

I get angry. I feel my blood boil and my blood pressure rise. I have made snap decisions that are not at all in line with how I want to parent my kids.

But you know what else? I think it's ok for kids to see that moms and dads get angry- really angry- too. We want them to learn how to deal with their own anger and not be scared of those feelings, right? So seeing that the adults can feel angry, too, teaches them that. And yes, making the best choices when angry is HARD. I often apologize to my kids... The few times that I've spanked, I've apologized. If I've yelled and really scared my daughter, I apologize.

So you just sound normal to me!

January 22, 2010 at 8:43 AM  
Blogger Stone Fox said...

i am leaving this link if you want to read it. you are definitely not alone.


January 22, 2010 at 11:25 PM  
Blogger The Double Dipped Life said...

I've dealt with this issue a lot. It seems that my kids don't respond to anything other than in-your-face yelling. But, that needs to stop. I hate it. I've tried other disciplinary measures, and they work for awhile... I just let my temper get the best of me too often. (Now, don't be calling child services, it's not THAT bad!) I just have to remember that they are young, and learning! Thanks for this post- it's something I thought a lot of this weekend.

Congrats on your sits day!

May 10, 2010 at 9:58 AM  
Blogger  said...

I lose it all the time. And then I end up crying because I don't want to be that mom either. Then I end up teaching my kids to tell when angry. :(

May 10, 2010 at 11:15 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

You're absolutely right that we do get angry, and then I always feel so guilty and terrible after. But its healthy to acknowledge that you get angry, makes it worse if you bottle it up. You're also right about how to handle it. Sometimes you just have to walk away. Make sure they are safe, and hopefully have run out of paint and walk away.

August 9, 2010 at 5:45 AM  
Blogger Brenda Susan said...

You obviously are NOT A SCREAMER in normal life or it would not bother you so much. We all have the tough days, but thankfully they come between lots of good ones!

August 9, 2010 at 7:27 PM  

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